


Where The Water Hides Your Tears

by strawberrysummers



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confident Na Jaemin, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Football | Soccer Player Na Jaemin, Fuckboy Jaemin, Light Angst, M/M, Renjun takes no shit from anybody, Summer Adventure, Summer Romance, Underage Drinking, Witty Renjun, except the order is different, jaemin is soft for renjun, lots of sexual tension??, really wordy writing, sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:53:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 99,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23615521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrysummers/pseuds/strawberrysummers
Summary: Summer of 2018 rolls around, and when Na Jaemin's picture-perfect world of parties, soccer wins, and girls start to lack the excitement it originally had, he rides his boat along the coast of Sokcho in search of something exhilarating to do.What he didn't expect to find was a boy--pretty brown eyes, small shoulders, sharp tongue--on the beach, in uncharted terrain far from the city.And in that boy, Na Jaemin finds the exhilaration he'd been looking for.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 216
Kudos: 894





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes! 
> 
> A good song to listen to for this:  
> RINI - Meet Me in Amsterdam

Na Jaemin first met Huang Renjun on an unexplored, shrouded strip of beach in the summer of 2018. It was the summer before his senior year, and the brown haired boy was sick of Sokcho. Nestled along the coast of a quieter part of Korea, Sokcho didn’t seem to offer much. Every aspect of the city felt static to Jaemin. He knew how many steps there were from his house to his school. From his school to the hospital. From the hospital to his fifth cousin removed’s dog. Sokcho’s charm was growing old. Na Jaemin was growing old with it. Being Daejun High’s soccer star player and captain wasn’t enough. Being invited to more parties than he can attend wasn’t enough. Being shamelessly hit on by more girls and guys than he could make time in the day for wasn’t enough. The sense of initial excitement that life in Sokcho had to offer Jaemin had dwindled, yet the need to feel exhilaration remains.

He didn’t know why, but a week after school had let out for the summer, he felt the urge to get out on the water. Even though he lived on the coast, Jaemin found it such a normal part of his life that he rarely paid attention to it. Everyone in Sokcho owned a speedboat, yet today was the only day Jaemin ever actually touched his own, aside from when he was first taught how to drive it so many years ago. As he whips further out onto the water, he could feel a weight being lifted from his shoulders. The further behind him Sokcho is, the less he felt the need to be ‘on.’ He didn’t have to act like a star athlete. He didn’t have to drink at all the after parties because everyone’s urging him on. He didn’t have to give out devilish smirks to girls just so he can make sure he’s still on top. Behind him, Sokcho became smaller and smaller as he travelled along the coast.

He was approaching forest territory, where trees and marsh-like shrubbery dotted the sand and coastline, unlike in Sokcho where a nice beach was flattened out for summer beachgoers. Here, the fish don’t stay away from the shore from fear of humans. The trees weren’t afraid to climb out onto the white sands.

What Jaemin was not expecting, on his boating expedition far out of Sokcho on the wild coastline, was to see a person. A person. Why was there a person here, Jaemin wondered, brows pulled together. He could see a vague outline of a person, sitting on an untouched shore. It was in the middle of nowhere, so naturally, Jaemin was curious.  
As he pulled his boat closer, the vague figure became more clear. It was a boy. Looked to be around his own age. With dyed blonde hair, so bright it looked almost white. His skin was equally as white to match, with slightly rosy cheeks. The boy had a baby blue shirt framing his small shoulders and a pair of beach shorts on. He seemed normal enough. He stood up from where he was sitting on the bank as Jaemin’s boat approached.

“Hey” Jaemin shouted, waving his hand in the air, “What are you doing out here?”

The boy crossed his arms and stared at Jaemin irritatedly, “Admiring the view before _you_ came and disrupted me.”

Jaemin lifted an eyebrow. He took notice of the boy’s features more carefully, now that he was close enough to anchor. A tall but slender nose. Sharp but almost doe like eyes. And his voice soothed like honey. He was pretty.

“Well, the view’s still here if you want to look,” Jaemin joked, gesturing his hands at himself. He had gotten off his boat at this point and made his way across the small stretch of sand. Still, Jaemin stood at a distance, cautious of this mysterious boy who happens to be in this mysterious location without any boat in sight.

Jaemin could see the boy roll his eyes at the comment, replying with a snarky, “You’re one of those Sokcho boys, aren’t you.”

Jaemin grinned, “How can you tell?”

“You reek of arrogance,” The boy replied.

  
Na Jaemin let out a laugh at that. It was true. Sokcho boys had this air around like they were on top of the world, with their perfect parents and perfect houses and perfect lives. It was that same comfort that drove Jaemin out here.

  
“So I’m guessing you’re not from around here?” Jaemin asked as he scanned his surroundings, “Don’t tell me you live in this jungle?”

  
The boy put his hands in his pockets and looked back on the ocean, “I live in a neighboring city. My dad dragged me out here to go fishing, but the thing is, I hate fishing. So I told him to drop me off here until he comes back.”

  
“Well that’s a little irresponsible,” Jaemin replied humorously, even though nothing was particularly funny.

  
“You can’t really be talking. You’re boating alone on an untouched coastline and you see a boy in the middle of nowhere. And instead of having a normal reaction--like getting creeped out and driving away--you not only come closer but you actually get off your boat,” The boy refuted, “For all you know, I might lure in lost sailors like you to eat for dinner.”

  
“Like a siren? From Greek mythology” Jaemin grins, “Sirens are supposed to be pretty, right? I guess it makes sense.”

  
The boy’s cheeks tint pink and Jaemin enjoys the sight of it.

  
“Okay I take it back,” He says, “The point is, I could have been a serial killer and you just came to me.”

  
“Who said I couldn’t also be a serial killer?” Jaemin retorted.

  
“Now you’re just making me uncomfortable,” The boy rolled his eyes.

Jaemin lets out a small chuckle, and they fall into a silence. He looked back out onto the sea and watched as seagulls hovered just above the crashing waves.

  
The strange boy breaks the silence, “What about you? Don’t Sokcho boys have something more important to do: get wasted, fuck around? What brings you out here”

  
Jaemin shaked his head in feigned sadness, “I ran out of booze to drink and girls to fuck.” He joked.

  
The boy let out a snort.

  
Jaemin looked back onto the beach, thinking. This kid, whoever he was, didn’t live in Sokcho. He didn’t know Jaemin. After today, he’ll probably never see him again. It was a perfect stranger scenario. There was nothing that was stopping Jaemin from being honest and letting it all out, knowing that he’ll never see this boy again.

  
“The truth is, booze and girls get tiring after some point. I mean, there’s always fun in it. I’m not going to lie. I enjoy it. But it won’t ever bring me exhilaration. I guess that’s why I’m out here,” Jaemin confessed to a stranger, “I’m trying to find some exhilaration. Sokcho...gets, I don’t know, suffocating.”  
The boy stayed silent for a bit. In Jaemin’s head, he thought that he had probably scared the boy away by suddenly being so serious with someone he had barely met.

  
Just as Jaemin was about to speak up, the boy spoke, “When do you have to be back?”

  
“Hm?”

  
“Geez, do I need to sound it out? When do you have to be back home?”

  
Jaemin didn’t need to think about it, “I don’t have a curfew.”

“Then stay with me for a little while. I have something to show you.”

  
Jaemin cocked his head to the side a bit, undoubtedly feeling a bit weird about the situation, “You do understand how worrying that request is, right?”

  
The boy shrugged his shoulders, “You said you wanted exhilaration, right? What can get more exhilarating than this? You boat to the middle of nowhere, and see a mysterious boy, me, who wants to spontaneously show you something totally awesome.”

  
“I don’t even know your name,” Jaemin said, but in his head, he already knew he was going to come with the boy. Because he was right. What could get more strange, in an exhilarating way, than this? Still, he wanted to know what this boy called himself. A name to match the face.

  
“And I don’t know yours.”

  
Jaemin playfully teased, “Can’t tell you. I’m a bit of a town celebrity. Can’t let it go around that I’m so desperate for something new that I hang out with weird beach strangers, can I?”

  
The boy gave Jaemin a playful shove.

  
“Huang Renjun.” The boy finally said, “My name is Renjun.”

  
Jaemin smiled, “Na Jaemin.”

* * *

Renjun ends up taking him to a lagoon grotto further out into the ocean where small but plentiful pillar islands dot the waters. He had given Jaemin faulty, horrible directions the entire time, swearing up and down he still remembers the way to get there despite having only been there once when he was little with his dad. The grotto was in the small opening of a rock island, where the lagoon water was so turquoise and blue that it looked like diamonds when the afternoon sun reflected off its moving surface. It was beautiful. Na Jaemin lived 18 years in Sokcho and never once thought there would be a place like this.

They spend the day pretending to be Olympic divers as they both perform amateur routines off of Jaemin’s speedboat. The water was warm, embracing the clothes that matted to their skin. Jaemin could see the outline of Renjun’s small body through his soaked baby blue shirt. _Cute_.  
When swimming got boring, they lounged on the floor of the boat, shielding the sun from their eyes with their hands. And when that got tiring, they competed to see who could dive the deepest. The transparent, crystalline waters deceived just how deep it actually was. Ultimately, as the sun begins its descent, unbeknownst to both boys that so much time had passed, they settle on the nose of the boat, legs dangling off the side, arms propped back behind them. Conversation took hold. Jaemin found it easier than he should have to let Renjun know about his life. And it brought him comfort to know that Renjun felt the same way, judging by the way the boy broke off into long tangents about things happening around him that Jaemin wouldn’t ever know about. He still didn’t even know what city Renjun lived in, and it didn’t matter. It only mattered that they both listened. The sun set a beautiful array of pinks, purples, and oranges. It splattered across the sky in bountiful ribbons of fanning light. It was at this moment that Jaemin believed that yes, this was in fact, exhilarating. Even as the sunset fades to darkness, save for the stars, they were still talking. Renjun loved to tease, to test the waters with his words as if he had nothing to lose. And Jaemin doesn’t mind playing that game, knowing that there are no consequences. Night fell, but not before the two covered about a million topics of conversation about things as simple as caterpillars to heavier subjects that both people had no problem telling each other. After all, by the next day they were going to be strangers again, weren’t they?

When the morning comes, it wouldn’t matter what Jaemin ends up telling this stranger.

* * *

It’s been a week and a half. A week and a half since Jaemin had dropped Renjun off at the beach per his request. However, the beach was at Sokcho, the public one in Jaemin’s own city. There, Renjun would actually have cell signal to call someone to pick him up. Just from that, Jaemin knew the boy couldn’t have lived too far. When they left, they had not exchanged phone numbers. Hell, they hadn’t exchanged phone numbers, despite having exchanged so much within the past day.  
Jaemin had left before Renjun’s ride showed up, whether it was by boat or car. His mother had blown up his phone about how he needed to pick up some chocolate for her ASAP. Something about period cravings. Jaemin practically had no choice. But as he turned to walk away from the boy who gave him exactly what he wanted that day, he didn’t bother to turn back. They’re never going to see each other again. What’s the point?

* * *

Huang Renjun didn’t mean to run into Jaemin again. But a week and a half later, Renjun had all but forgotten that one day. It felt like a story that closed too soon. But he wasn’t going to go against reality. He was never going to see Jaemin again. His chiselled jaw, symmetrical lips, naturally hooded gaze. It was all a fever dream, and he was not stupid enough to care too long about idle things. Summer had been coming along slowly. He spent his afternoons at an ice cream parlour with his friends then lounges around the beach for the rest of the day. There was something about the endlessness of it all that intrigued him. The mysteriousness that he wanted to unveil. At least once a day, Renjun takes his own boat out onto the waters when his family wasn’t using it. He explored the crevices of island chains, the coastline, anything to take his mind off just how slow the summer was coming along. His parents were rarely home, giving him nothing to do around the house. He didn’t blame them. They had important jobs to do.

The clock was approaching 4PM, and Renjun was anchored on bobbing waters underneath a naturally formed arch made of pink limestone. Over time the seas had weathered its natural shape down to a stunning arch, all for Renjun to find. He was a bit up north of his own city, far enough away that he couldn’t see the coastline of where he lived. The sun had already passed its peak hour, meaning the light wasn’t nearly as bright thank goodness, but since it was summer, it would be at least another two hours before the sky even starts to darken.

Renjun’s brows furrowed when he suddenly heard the sound of a motor. It was a distance away, yet the faint buzzing seemed to get a bit louder every minute. It seems like he wasn’t the only person exploring today. Renjun rolled his eyes, annoyed that he had to potentially make small talk with a stranger as they passed by.

However, upon seeing who it was aimlessly riding around in a speedboat, Renjun felt distressed. _Was this a joke? How is this even possible. It’s not like the ocean is vast or anything. How the fuck._

Na Jaemin.

He caught Renjun’s eyes not long after the smaller did, and when he did, Jaemin had the same surprised look on his face also.

“I thought we weren’t supposed to ever see each other again,” Renjun looked at Jaemin, as the taller boy anchored his boat next to Renjun’s.

  
Jaemin shook his head, not believing it himself, “We weren’t. You must be stalking me.”

  
“Little shit, I was here first.”

  
Jaemin gave Renjun a smile like this was the craziest thing to happen, “Small world.”

  
“So last week wasn’t a fever dream?”

  
Jaemin chuckled, “It did seem like it, didn’t it?”

Renjun sat back down in his boat as Jaemin climbed into his to share, “Did you run out of booze to drink and girls to fuck again?”

  
“Sure did. Moving on to cute boys, now.” Jaemin said with a wink.

  
Renjun almost pushed him off of his boat.

  
Almost.

That day, they stayed a bit longer. Renjun had originally came there for the sunset, but he stayed for something else.  
Jaemin felt like a secret. Out in the waters, it didn’t matter what Renjun was like in school. It didn’t matter what Jaemin was like in school. They were who they wanted to be. Renjun could go off into long conversations about how much he hated tofu or loved bunnies and it didn’t matter. He was himself. And Jaemin was too. Renjun could sense it, by the way Jaemin aggressively rants to catch him up on all that’s happened throughout the week, as if he’s been holding in things. He knew about the girl Jaemin fucked, about how she’s been at him for a while now. Renjun listened, humming along. He knew about his best friend Lee Jeno, and how although they were like brothers, Jeno was wanting to replace him as captain next year. Renjun listened. And whenever Renjun wanted to talk, Jaemin listened. They were like a safe of secrets.

By the time they needed to go home, Renjun made up his mind about something. If they were going to keep running into each other like this, he might as well have Jaemin’s number.

* * *

Every other day.  
They saw each other every other day.

Renjun always had something new to explore: a cave, an island, a new stretch of beach. Jaemin was contributing too, leading them to marshes, to reefs. They never stepped foot on land in either of their cities, aside from the beach in Sokcho that first night. There was something about the rawness of their friendship that made them both want to keep how it was. Neither needed to know what the other was like when they were not with each other. At least, not further than what was told in stories. The Jaemin that Renjun was with was not the one that dominated every game in his sports career, was not the one who had girls and boys alike lined up to kiss his feet. The Jaemin that Renjun was with got excited about swimming to new waters, about boating as fast as possible until the wind was deafening.  
Renjun liked the way they would start out quipping, teasing, some may say even flirting and then later, as their day ends, it would simmer down to some deep conversation.

  
He found out that Jaemin puts his heart and soul into soccer, having grown up with the sport and developing a passionate, intense love for it. He was especially nervous for the upcoming season, knowing that some university recruiters were going to be there to watch him. Renjun listens as Jaemin tells him how he still _loves_ soccer, but he doesn’t feel as _in_ love with soccer as he had before. Over time, Jaemin felt as if winning was not good enough of a motivation. Renjun understands.  
Jaemin found out that Renjun feels like a roommate to his parents, who are always out of town every other day for business. Renjun doesn’t say where. The boy knew they loved him, but as he approached his last year of high school, he couldn’t help but feel as if he hadn’t seen them enough. Jaemin understands.

The summer lasted two months, but it felt like it flew by in two weeks. Renjun should have known. The moment the boy had seen Jaemin pull up in his boat that first day, Renjun had allowed himself to indulge in the company of the Sokcho kid. He had allowed himself to divulge his secrets to him, to brush his legs up against his, to let himself laugh freely around Jaemin under the impression that none of it matters and after the summer, Renjun won’t see him again. However, as the summer ticks by, Renjun regrets letting himself be this open. Because now, the thought that they will be strangers once more after the summer ends no longer brings him comfort, but instead, it brings him a tiny, _tiny_ amount of pain.

  
Renjun couldn’t help but feel his heart speed up a little when he gets a text from “Nana” asking to meet him at the arch. It was a nickname that Jaemin grew to like. Jaemin had told him it felt sincere, and vulnerable. But what he didn’t know was that Renjun was starting to like a lot more than that. Renjun knocked it down to him overanalyzing. Jaemin sometimes did things that he may not know had such an effect on the smaller boy. The way Jaemin reached down to stabilize Renjun’s hips when the boat was rocky. The way Jaemin flirtatiously teased him started to hurt a little more knowing that it was just that: teasing. It didn’t mean anything. Jaemin’s winks were even starting to get to him, despite Renjun knowing that was just his natural behavior. Renjun pushed those thoughts away and instead, spent what time they had left of summer together.

  
Maybe it was a fever dream after all. A very long, beautiful one.

Renjun dreaded the last day of summer, especially when he was laying on Jaemin’s arm on a strip of beach they found nestled between the walls of white limestone cliffs. The strip of beach was a semicircle shape, and the two laid in the middle of it, boats docked nearby. They were just friends, but the way Renjun wanted so desperately to wrap his arms around Jaemin’s body as they laid there and not let him leave made him want more. He just wondered if the other boy wanted it too.

Both knew what day it was, and yet avoided the topic even as the sun began to descent. The day seemed to slip away so quick, and Renjun wasn’t sure if he was ready. At this point, Renjun knows Jaemin’s scent by heart: a clean musk of some expensive cologne. He could recognize Jaemin’s deep chuckle from anywhere. He could picture the boy’s signature grin in his sleep.

Jaemin was droning on about something that Renjun couldn’t find himself paying attention to when he finally worked up the nerve to interrupt, “Na Jaemin, let’s address the elephant in the room. Today is our last day.”

Jaemin stopped in his words.  
“It is, isn’t it.” Jaemin replied. For some reason, Renjun expected more distraught in his voice, yet he failed to find any. Jaemin had stated it like a fact that had no feeling with it, no implications, no history.

Renjun was quiet for a while. When he spoke again, he tried to hide the bitterness he felt, “Is that it?”

“What do you want me to say?” Jaemin asked, almost impatiently.

 _That you feel sad about this. That our friendship or whatever this is meant something to you. That these past two months were real. That this wasn’t just something to pass your time in the summer._ Renjun thinks. But instead, he says, “I don’t know.”

They fall into an uncomfortable silence after that, something they haven’t felt since the first day they met on the beach. And even then, the silence had less of a heavy weight than it did now. Renjun had taken his head off of Jaemin’s arms and was resting against the cold sand. Every time the wind blew, it would whistle by his ear. He knew it would be all in his hair, but he didn’t care. Sand in his hair was the last thing he was thinking about.

Suddenly, Jaemin pulled himself to a sitting position, prompting Renjun to do the same.

“You’re going to go back to being you. And I’m going to go back to being me. And trust me, Renjun, you wouldn’t like me the way I am usually.” Jaemin spoke nonchalantly, not breaking eye contact with the smaller.

Renjun let out in a small voice, “You wouldn’t like me that much either, don’t kid yourself.”

“You know we don’t _actually_ know each other, right?” Jaemin suddenly said, “I know you, Renjun, as a kid who loves exploring and loves ranting about how much you like the rain. But I don’t know the details that matter: how you are with your friends, what you do when you get home from school, where you’re even from.”

Renjun looked away, biting his lip as he stated, “You _do_ know the details that matter. It’s the details that don’t matter that you don’t know.”

Jaemin sighed and suddenly brought his face up closer, until Renjun could almost feel the ghost of his breath on his skin. Renjun’s heart sped up by a mile a minute.

“Renjun,” Jaemin spoke, voice low, “I’m the type of person who would have fucked you a long time ago just because you’re pretty and I wanted to.” He brushed Renjun’s cheek with his finger. “I’m the type of person who gets faded Saturday nights because I can. We’re from two different worlds” He lingers but then pulls his fingers away and Renjun misses the ghosts of them already. “You’re too innocent.”

Renjun’s brows furrowed and he scoffed, “Na Jaemin. You think that because you’re the only one ever talking about it, that I’m innocent?” Renjun’s voice turns into one somewhat of a sneer and he brings his face just as close as they were before, “Like you said, you _don’t_ know me. You don’t know how I act when I’m not with you, so why do you assume that I’m some loser obsessed with being a squeaky clean geek? I might not know how to fuck, but I know how to get fucked. I can take a couple beers before I feel it. I can grind my ass onto someone while dancing. It’s not that I’m too innocent. It’s that when I’m with you, I don’t need any other entertainment. I don’t feel the need for any of that. It’s just…” Renjun’s voice went soft, “...me and you.”

Before Renjun could gauge Jaemin’s reaction, he turns away. He was being too obvious wasn’t he. Renjun silently cursed at himself for being so openly weak. Jesus, this was a boy who he _knew_ was going to leave. Upset, he picked himself up off the sand, walking backwards towards his boat while still looking at his friend, “But you’re right. We do have two different lives. Once summer ends, we’ll both be too busy anyways.”

“Renjun.”

“What?” Renjun answers. Jaemin had said his name with such strength and validity that inside of his heart, for some unknown reason, he was hoping that Jaemin disliked what he had said, about them being too busy. He was hoping Jaemin would want to convince him to stay. In his head, Jaemin would tell him that Renjun and their summer rendezvous would make an impact well beyond summer. But Renjun knew better.  
Jaemin didn’t speak for what seemed like an eternity. And when he did, Renjun could swear he felt something ache in his chest.

“Thanks for the summer,” Jaemin said, with a wink and a side smile before getting up himself to head towards his own boat.

Renjun felt anger bubble up inside of him. That’s all he was worth. He was worth a summer, a shallow wink, and a smile that lacked the genuinity that he had seen from Jaemin so many times the course of their summer. It was Renjun’s fault. He should have seen it coming. Hell, even Jaemin said himself that he was like this. Renjun wanted to be angry, yet more than anything, he felt a deep sharp pain in his chest. Why did he let himself get attached. He practically dug his own grave, and now he was jumping into it like a fool.  
He put his fingers on the keys of the boat, ready to turn on the vehicle and get the hell away from there.

But before he could, Jaemin spoke up one more time. And this time, it hit deeper than a bullet wound.  
“And Renjun.” Jaemin began, looking right at the latter, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’ve developed feelings for me.”

Renjun paused, not breaking eye contact with the other. Heat rose up his chest and suddenly, he didn’t feel the pain. He just felt anger. When Renjun spoke, he channeled all of his newfound hate in it, “Goodbye _Nana_.”

The nickname, which sounded so sweet before, so endearing, was now dripping with a hate so incredibly thick that anyone could hear it in every crevice of his voice.

  
Renjun could’ve swore he saw a falter in Jaemin’s smug expression he had on before, but he couldn’t bother to care any further. His boat engine started, and before Jaemin could see the collapse of Renjun’s mask that he put up, he had turned the boat around, where the cliffs can hide the slight wateryness of his eyes. If Jaemin had seen, he would have known. He would have known that what he said had been true. Yes, Renjun _had_ indeed caught feelings for him.

**Notes**

Next chapter will be out soon!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter ahead! And suddenly, this story will take another ~2 chapters to finish because I get carried away

When school started again, Renjun expected any thoughts of each other quickly disappeared like a dream you’d forget ten minutes upon waking up. But it wasn't as if a friendship so full of memories and wordless passion was easy to forget. Renjun still refuses to go back to the coves that they frequented or places that they shared secrets at. 

However, it gets better by the day. As Renjun progresses through the months, he finds out that senior year wasn’t as easy as people make it out to be. Alongside excruciatingly filling out long applications to Korea’s top colleges, Renjun had also stacked up on Advanced classes as if he didn’t just have 24 hours in a day. On top of that, he had numerous school clubs to tend to, as well as tennis. He had started this year, considering he made the team last year but never played due to a small ankle injury from slipping on water. Lame, he knew. It was a way to forget, just like everything else he was doing. 

He had pushed Jaemin down deep in the back of his mind, with the logic that the other boy probably never spared him another thought after that summer night. After all, they were just keeping each other out of boredom during the summer, right? He hated that it still made him angry. Renjun allowed himself to simmer that pot of anger silently, and go on about his life. He was not going to let some kid, in some other place, in some other life hold him down. He had his own life to live. 

Tennis racket in hand, Renjun took out his emotions on the poor ball during practice. He wasn’t too special of a player when he began. In fact, when he had first joined, he was undoubtedly the worst player. However, his performance drastically improved with every practice and game. He attributed it to the fact that he could so easily force out all of his negativity into the ball.

Renjun found that he can channel his feelings all into a play: whether it be stress from an exam, anger from some kid spilling coffee on him, or

The fact that he was moving to Sokcho in two weeks time. 

  
  
  
  
  


His parents had given Renjun such a late notice that he didn’t even have time to properly panic.  _ Renjun,  _ his parents had sat him down the other day,  _ we’re moving to Sokcho, next year. _ Renjun remembered wanting to scream. But he should have known it was coming.  _ Business is thriving there- almost quadruple- the amount it is here in Yangyanggun  _ His father spoke like a businessman  _ We’ve been telling you this would eventually happen since last year, Renjun _ . 

Sokcho was only an hour and a half away by car, yet his parents commuted there and back for work almost every day. Renjun always found it strange, especially considering that gas adds up to a pretty penny at that rate. But at the time, he understood. He still understands, even if he hates the decision. Their business was started here in Yangyanggun, where Renjun lived, when Renjun was quite little. However, over time when it had gotten successful, his parents had expanded more branches, including three in Sokcho, all of which surged profit considering the average household income in Sokcho was generally wealthy to some degree. Renjun was not disgustingly rich, but he definitely was more than comfortable. Renjun knew it was only a matter of time before the demand coming from Sokcho outweighed staying where he was, and the sentimental value of Yangyanggun just wouldn’t be worth it to his parents anymore. But still, he had hoped. 

His life was here, his friends were here. But most importantly, Na Jaemin was  _ not _ here. Renjun had always disliked Sokcho well before he even knew of Jaemin’s existence, understanding that just about everyone were intense, snobby people whose parents had a business house in Seoul and a vacation house in Jeju. But now, knowing that he’d be in the same city, walking on the same streets, frequenting the same beach as Jaemin, he hated it even more.

  
  
  
  


It had taken Renjun some time to calm down and be realistic. Sokcho wasn’t that small of a city. There were upwards of 7 high schools when he had done his research. What are the chances that he goes to the same one as Na Jaemin? Even then, why did it matter? Renjun convinced himself of that. It was the only way he knew how to deal with the situation at hand. He knew that at some point, he was going to have to move to Sokcho even before he had met Na Jaemin. But actually hearing that his parents had already put a down payment on a house there made it feel more real than ever. He had seen pictures. It was a gorgeous home in a nice neighborhood. Traditional, but modern. Quaint, but chic. Renjun convinced himself that he should be happy too. His parents had decided to just give him the boat he had been using and getting a new one for when they wanted to go out onto the waters themselves. And he knew that the docks in Sokcho were much more well maintained than those at Yangyanggun. 

  
  
  


The week before he had to leave, his friends threw just about two separate parties for him, which Renjun would usually consider overwill but right now, he wanted all the time he could get with his friends. It was mostly Jungwoo’s suggestion, whose life practically revolved around parties. Renjun’s tearful departure was just an excuse to have several. He had dragged Renjun to over ten of them this past semester alone, and although Renjun knew how to party, he preferred the serenity of the seas any day. They were all at Winwin’s house, who decided to host it, and all around them were a plethora of people. Renjun didn’t expect this many people to be affected by his leave. He carried a cup in his hand, almost empty of some bitter alcohol he never even remembered pouring for himself. It soothed him, going down his throat. Allowed him to relax into the mood and he sat there, taking in everything from his soon to be old life as he could. The smiles on his friends’ faces. The sound of music blaring through speakers. The smoke escaping someone’s lips. 

“You’ll visit often, right?”

“Of course,” Renjun smiled at his friends, “I’m only a little over an hour away.” 

“What school was it that you were transferring to?” Winwin asked. 

Renjun tried to remember, “Daejun High? Something like that.”

“Ah, isn’t that where that one star soccer player lives?” 

  
  


But Renjun didn’t hear that last part. He had already been standing up to go get himself another drink. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His first day of Daejun High had been warm and welcoming. He had been completely nervous, for being a transfer student in the middle of a semester was never a good thing. By then, people usually had their friend groups and cliqued off. He had moved into his house a couple days prior, yet had no time to explore the area or make friends before going into school the next Monday. There were still boxes of furniture and home decor lying around their house. Even in Renjun’s new room, he hadn’t finished unpacking his clothes. The lack of preparation had made him extremely nervous for the first day, but Renjun bit that feeling down as best as possible, knowing that he couldn’t just fit into the ‘quiet, shy transfer kid’ stereotype. 

However, it seemed that he had nothing to really worry about. Upon arrival, the principal had shook his hands warmly and offered any help if Renjun were to ever need it. Then he had a student in the same year as him show him around. 

“I’m Donghyuck,” The boy introduced himself. He had medium brown hair and a bit of a baby face, but it worked with him. His voice was soothing and commanding at the same time, but still came off as friendly, “I practically run the whole show here. If  _ anyone _ wrongs you, and I mean  _ anyone _ , just tell me and I’ll take care of them. I was a transfer too, and I know how it can be sometimes.” 

“Jesus, you sound like a hitman, But thank you” Renjun smiled playfully, “I’m Huang Renjun.”

Donghyuck let out a laugh, “Well, I’m glad you can be candid with me. Usually, transfer students don’t like to talk.”

“Oh that won’t be a problem,” Renjun insisted.

  
  
  


He finds out that Donghyuck does, in fact, run the whole show. He was in theatre, choir, student council, two different community service clubs, and men’s volleyball. It was definitely impressive, and Renjun felt a sense of comfort in him, for he knew what it was like to be so hectic with schedules. And also because Donghyuck was not afraid to treat him like a normal person, and not a transfer student. It hadn’t taken long for Donghyuck to stop all of the formalities and upheld good-boy behavior with Renjun, as they walked around the school before the day started, permission granted by the principal himself, and Renjun felt more relaxed by the minute. 

  
  
  
  


Renjun always knew that he wasn’t ugly. Or maybe he was, and that’s why so many people were talking about him as he walked next to Donghyuck in the hallways. He even had a couple waves. When the doors finally opened for students to come in, Donghyuck insisted that he walked Renjun to class, enjoying the new transfer student’s company a lot more than he had expected. 

“Donghyuck, do I have a fat pimple on my face or something?” Renjun whispered as they navigated through the large halls of Daejun. This high school was much larger than his previous one. More loud. More people. 

Donghyuck laughed, “No. If you’re wondering why people are staring at you, it’s because you’re objectively pretty, even for a boy. Not to mention you’re new.” 

“Wow, calm down your boner, Hyuck. We just met,” Renjun teased and elbowed him.

His new friend shook his head and blew a raspberry, “Renjunnie, I think we’re going to be great friends.”

  
  


In his first three classes, Donghyuck had to leave, but the students weren’t any less welcoming to the new transfer student. Renjun had actually made friends with his seatmate, a kid with a bright smile and sarcastic manner of speaking who called himself Chenle. Renjun had noticed a small, almost unnoticeable tattoo on the side of Chenle’s finger of a chinese character. Upon asking about it, Chenle was surprised to know Renjun had even known what it meant. After that, Chenle and him hit it off well, finding out that both had moved from China when they were young. They went through the same struggles of integrating into Korean society. He had even expected his one free period to be awkward, for he didn’t know anyone well enough to just hang out with someone. And the people who he did want to be around had their free periods another time of the day. Renjun settled himself into the library, intent on studying to catch up on what the teachers had been teaching prior to his arrival, but he couldn’t even get that far, considering an array of different people came up to him asking where he had transferred from and asking him curious questions. Renjun appreciated the gesture. As the day went on, Renjun felt the nerves in his stomach go away. 

  
  


When his fourth class rolled around, he had been excited. Multivariable calculus: He loved math and knew theorems and its proofs like the back of his hand. The only problem was that he was running a bit late. Located on the A wing of the school, the boy wasn’t exactly sure where it was despite Donghyuck having shown him this morning. Renjun figured that he and his new friend had been too busy getting off topic and bonding that Renjun forgot to actually pay attention to the tour. 

It had taken him two different student’s guidance for him to make it to the door just as the teacher, a slim woman looking in her thirties, was about to shut it close. 

Upon seeing the new transfer student fumble in hurriedly, cheeks flushed from running, the teacher’s face lit up. Her name tag read Mrs. Jun. She had kind eyes, but a hardened forehead, as if she was sick of dealing with rowdy children all day even though she loved her job.

“Ah! Class. I wanted to introduce you to our new transfer student. Everyone has to be nice,” the teacher spoke as she simultaneously pulled Renjun’s shoulders across the classroom to stand in front of the chalkboard. She stood near him, urging him on with a hand on his shoulder as if Renjun was a fragile child. Although the boy appreciated the gesture, he wanted to roll his eyes. Everyone always felt the need to protect him because he was small. He can take care of himself, but he appreciated the teacher for making sure he, as a transfer student, wasn’t left out.

The class, despite the announcement made by the teacher, was still rowdy and talkative save for a handful who were already paying attention to the front. Students played around on their phones or busied themselves with conversations about their weekends. They weren’t purposefully ignoring the teacher. It just seemed as if they were naturally boisterous and just didn’t hear her. 

In the back of the classroom, Renjun notices a crowd concentrated. A group of boys all sat near each other, some on desks, some  _ in _ desks, some standing around. All had some sort of athletic build to them, and when they spoke, their voice carried. When they laughed, it was collective. Renjun noticed a handful of both girls and guys constantly oggling them too..  _ Ah _ , there was always a group of jocks. Renjun hates to say it because of how cliche it was. There is always a group of jocks in a classroom, but Renjun didn’t expect that classroom to be  _ multivariable _ calculus. He was partially impressed.

Beside him, Renjun could feel the teacher getting frustrated. Her foot tapped lightly and her voice puffed. Under her breath, Renjun could hear her muttering something along the lines of ‘why don’t they ever listen.’ Renjun bit on his lower lip. It definitely was rude, and the late bell had already rung. 

Renjun cleared his throat loudly, garnering the attention of the classroom, “Hi everyone!,” Renjun let out a dazzling smile. First impressions are important, and Renjun knew that people who seem to be extroverted usually fare better in situations like these than those who crawl into their skin and let their nerves take over them. At the sound of a pretty but strong new voice, the students began to turn their heads back to the front of the classroom, remembering that it was time to settle down anyhow. Upon turning around, he was met with a reciprocated smile from many of the students, having seen some of them in prior classes today. 

As he had begun introducing himself, the group of boys in the back started to turn around, all except for one. Broad shoulders. Light pink hair, like that of cotton candy. That boy was busy telling a rendition of some story that he had not noticed the rest of his friend group had turned around, until one of his friends elbowed him and motioned his head towards the front. 

Realizing most of the class is listening to someone else, the boy with the light pink hair began to turn around. Renjun hadn’t even noticed until he scanned the eyes through the class as he began to speak. And that was when Renjun recognized him.

“I’m Huang Renjun. I just transferred today from Yan-” 

and when he had, when Renjun had noticed him, his words stopped in his throat. Quite literally. Just as Renjun was going to say  _ Yangyanggan,  _ he caught a glimpse of an unmistakable face and his spit went backwards. Shooting down his throat, he began choking.  _ Fuck _ . His chest constricted. Heat ran up his neck and Huang Renjun began internally cursing his ancestors for more than one reason. For  _ him _ being there. For having him choke on his own spit, he could barely even breath. 

Renjun is wheezing and in the background, he could hear some of his new classmates' concerns and his teacher patting his back, asking if he was okay. 

Renjun shot her an incredulous look and managed to wheeze out, “Do-es it  _ lo-ok _ lik-e I’m ok-ay?” 

Between coughs. Renjun reached down to his water, needing to take a swig out of it. And he continued mentally cursing. Of  _ fucking _ course, It was like a fucking korean  _ drama _ . 

Of  _ course: _ out of all the schools in Sokcho Renjun could have transferred to, it had to be the same one that Na Jaemin attends. 

And of the five different calculus level courses and seven different class periods in a day, Renjun had to be taking the one that Na Jaemin did. 

Na Jaemin. He was here. 

Renjun knew it. He knew it. He knew it. He knew it. The universe had a  _ vendetta _ against him. In his past life, he must have burned a sacred temple or slaughtered a village. Or else, this  _ wouldn’t _ be happening. The universe had it out for him. 

As his breathing calmed down and his hearing came back in, he nodded to everyone’s constant worried questioning. But he could barely pay attention as the class settled down after that fiasco, for he could still feel heat crawl up his neck as he felt a pair of eyes bore into him. 

Renjun hadn’t prepared for this. He had convinced himself so hard that there was no way he would end up at the same school as Na Jaemin, just so he could even leave his house this morning. He repeated a mantra in his head that it wasn’t going to happen so many times he actually believed it. He had convinced himself so much of it that he hadn’t even come up with a plan if it  _ did _ happen. Suddenly, Renjun wished he was back at his home, in Yangyanggan. Where the city is quiet and nothing daunting plagues his mind. Nothing daunting like Na Jaemin, leaned back in his chair, looking at Renjun like that. 

The teacher from the side continued to introduce him to the class, but Renjun could barely pay attention to any of it. 

_ -you guys might actually know Renjun’s family! His parents have a very popular busi- _

  
  


It went in one ear and out the other. Renjun bit the bullet and looked up to where he knew Na Jaemin was  _ shamelessly _ looking at him. Renjun met his gaze and held it, breath caught in his throat but this time without a choke. The taller boy looked different from when Renjun last saw him more than four months ago. Daily soccer practices after school meant he was working out intensely every day. And it showed. The physical hardship had filled his arms up more, his chest, his shoulders. All of which were toner than when Renjun last remembered. The light pink hair was strange, but it worked on Jaemin. Of  _ course _ it worked on Jaemin. Why wouldn’t it. Renjun cursed. It was styled up, with a hint of dark roots at the bottom, yet still had stray wisps of hair in his face, and Renjun suddenly felt a roar of emotions, layered on each other so that it made it hard for him to pick them out individually. 

Memories of a finger brushing his cheeks came back. Of tanned skin lounging in a lagoon. Of loud laughter when someone was being pushed off a boat. Renjun looked at Jaemin and could see the boy who threw him over his shoulder and jumped off a small cliff out on the ocean. He could see the boy who would confide in him little nuances of his life, like how upset he was that his favorite coffee shop ran out of his specific black brew that day. It brought back feelings Renjun had been trying to suppress. 

But then Renjun remembered. This was also the boy whose words stung like a thousand pins stabbing at his heart. Who felt nothing after what felt like everything to Renjun. 

Remembering that, Renjun greeted Jaemin’s intense gaze with one of his own. The pink haired boy seemed shocked to see Renjun, but once that shock settled down, his lips turned upwards into that of a smile. 

Renjun had to shield his heart. Or else, it would have melted at the sight, and he would still have to be there, to pick up the broken pieces. 

  
  


“Renjun,” Jaemin said, voice almost thundering across the classroom. Renjun narrowed his eyes at the boy, internally surprised that Jaemin was going to address him. That  _ fake _ grin that dripped with false sweetness still graced his lips.

“Na Jaemin,” Renjun said, with an obvious flare of annoyance. He said Jaemin’s name the way he used to back when they first met and began hanging out, with a clear disdain for Sokcho boys and all of their arrogance. Jaemin would recognize it. It was a trademark. The class around them was quiet, not sure what to make of the situation. Not even the teacher. 

Jaemin chuckled as if it was funny and looked up at Renjun from under his wisps, “I almost forgot how you used to say my name like that.” Renjun could now hear whispers from other parts of the classroom, just small, yet noticeable. Renjun knew they were wondering how the soccer sweetheart with a taste for pretty people and pretty parties knew the transfer student, who lived an hour away prior and they have never even heard of before.

“I almost forgot  _ you _ , in general.” Renjun spat back. 

He lied. He could push Jaemin in the back of his mind all he wanted to. He could distract himself with tennis and class and clubs, and it would work somewhat but even  _ then _ , Na Jaemin is still there. Somewhere. But Renjun refuses to let himself dwell on it. He no longer liked Na Jaemin in that way, he told himself. In fact, he adamantly  _ dislikes _ the person in question. His smile, his eyes, his voice. Renjun dislikes it all. 

The teacher started, “Um...so h-” 

But Jaemin interrupted, grinning even wider than before, “Almost, huh.”

“Yeah, almost.” Renjun gave back an equally wide smile before lying through his teeth. Was this his moment of revenge? He began lying, “I can’t seem to forget the part where you stalked me around the whole summer,  _ always _ showing up wherever I was,  _ begging _ for me to date you.” Renjun let out a  _ tsk tsk  _ following it, and immediately saw the effects as Jaemin looked around the room at the gaped faces, his own turning red like he was fuming internally. 

What was Jaemin going to say? Confess that the truth was, the summer had been spent forming a sweet, deep friendship and then he threw it away like an unwanted toy?

Renjun saw a friend of Jaemin’s poke at the boy, shaking his head, “Wow, didn’t know you were like that, Jaemin.” 

“Shut up, Jisung,” He breathed out, exasperated. 

The whole event brought the class into a fit of whispers. Renjun could feel himself wanting to run out of the classroom, down to the dock and whisk himself away somewhere. Somewhere the sun kisses the horizon and the endless depths swallow him up. 

But Mrs. Jun finally ushered the crowd, pointing Renjun down to his seat. 

“Now, Mr. Na, you’ve gone by without a seatmate for a couple months now, but our class just filled up with Mr. Huang being here, so he’s going to have to sit with you.” Mrs. Jun said hesitantly, “I don’t know what’s going on between you two and I don’t care. We’re here to learn some calculus!” 

“It’s no problem,” Jaemin replied, smiling at Renjun as he sits down begrudgingly, “After all, why wouldn't I want to sit next to someone I apparently  _ stalked the whole summer _ .” The last few words came out like a seethe, and Renjun almost gulped to himself. 

  
  


For the rest of the class, they didn’t speak. Renjun was glad. It was better that way. Although he could feel the obnoxiously large presence of Na Jaemin to his right, at least he didn’t have to interact with it. Not today. Not when the news is still hitting him fresh in the face. In his nose, he could catch the scent that he almost missed. That strange, comforting cologne that used to embrace him. He used to come home after a long day of being out with Jaemin smelling like it. Renjun shook his head. He can’t fuck himself over again. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Tell me how you know Na Jaemin, again?” Donghyuck asked. He had asked Renjun to come sit with him and his friends at lunch, to which Renjun happily obliged. At the table, there was Chenle from his english class and Kun from a grade below them. Renjun had made many more friends throughout the course of the day, but ultimately he felt the closest to these people who had quickly become friends from initially being strangers.

“How do you know that I know Jaemin,” Renjun furrowed his brows. He mixed his rice bowl with a pair of chopsticks. The events of last period had ruined his appetite a bit, but he still forced himself to eat.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, “Renjun, precious child, one thing that you will come to learn about Daejun High is that everyone knows  _ everything _ about Na Jaemin. Including what happened in your calculus class today.” 

Of course they did. Renjun should have remembered. Back in the summer, one of the things Jaemin always complained about was his privacy, and how he had none of it. Everything there was to know about what he did in school or outside of school in the city was spread the next day. Renjun was almost surprised people didn’t know where Jaemin went off to almost everyday back in the summer. Renjun remembered how exhausted Jaemin sounded telling him about his days. How even though he loved the attention and perks that came with it, sometimes he wanted time to himself. How he let Jaemin lay in his lap under the sun and run his fingers through the boy’s hair, easing the tension out of his shoulders. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


After school, Renjun ran. He had thrown his backpack at home and ran to the dock. The streets of Sokcho were winding and confusing. After all, it was a city he’d never explored before. All he knew was a general direction: towards the blue expanse of the ocean. There, the vastness of it would drown out how  _ small _ Renjun felt. The waters will calm his nerves. He could find some strange place alongside the beach and have no one bother him. 

He had docked his boat here from Yangyanggan when his family first moved into their new home, knowing that he would need it more than ever. He would need it to escape the suffocating atmosphere of Sokcho, where it wasn’t as quiet as his old home and not as spread out. Suddenly, Renjun understood why Jaemin always wanted to escape. And then the boy slapped himself on the wrist.  _ Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin _ ,  _ why do all of your thoughts always go back to Jaemin.  _

Renjun had worked so hard. He had worked so hard to push the boy who made him feel on top of the world down to the bottom of his thoughts. He had worked so incredibly hard just to have everything fall back down just with a look at Na Jaemin. Na Jaemin who looked more handsome now than ever. Na Jaemin who told him that last day of summer that Renjun didn’t actually know who he was when he wasn’t with Renjun. 

Well, Renjun thought, now he would. He stood at the dock, letting out a small laugh at the irony of it all when a voice startled him. 

“Is something funny?” 

Renjun recognized that voice anywhere and for the hundredth time today, he cursed  _ everyone _ . Renjun closed his eyes, allowing himself to gain composure. The world had a way of wanting to see Renjun suffer. It wanted Renjun to run and cower, and to hate all the decisions he has ever made. The only thing that brought him comfort was knowing that Jaemin probably felt the same way also. Jaemin probably never wanted to see the boy who he spilled all of his secrets to and let all of his emotions out to ever again, knowing that Renjun holds such a powerful part of himself. And yet here he was. Renjun was everywhere. And Jaemin was everywhere with him. Renjun was beginning to think of conspiracies. 

Renjun was silent for a while, not bothering to answer Jaemin’s question. He stood rooted in his spot, arms holding himself away from the cold wind. He hadn’t brought a jacket.

  
  


“Should I stop trying?” Renjun finally looked beside him to Jaemin, who now stood on the dock to his left. Jaemin had changed out of his school outfit and into a white hoodie over a pair of gray joggers. His shoulders were accentuated and Renjun thought that he couldn’t have looked better. The boy glanced at Renjun briefly before staring back into the neverending ocean. 

“Trying to do what?” Jaemin asked, tone so curious, it made Renjun want to vomit. 

“Trying to avoid you, you know? It seems like no matter what I’ve ever done, all I do is run into you,” Renjun spoke his bitter truth with a tinge of exhaustion. Jaemin was quiet. Renjun didn’t like it. 

Renjun continued, “You’re like a leech, my god. Why are you so obsessed with me.” He joked. 

He hated himself for joking. Jaemin didn’t deserve to be like that with Renjun anymore. Not after the  _ awful _ accusation. But right then, as Renjun was thinking about it. Why  _ was _ he mad at Na Jaemin? The boy had implied from the very beginning that the reason why they were able to get so close was because of the fact that they will essentially one day become strangers. The boy had only spoken the truth when he had suggested Renjun developed feelings for him. But for some reason, Renjun still wanted to be angry. If not angry with Na Jaemin then angry with himself for not listening to Jaemin in the first place when the boy had warned him. 

Jaemin let out a laugh at Renjun’s commentary, and Renjun listens to the sweet sound and thinks that it was almost worth it to hear that sound again. Almost. He pinched his own finger. 

“I missed you, Renjun.” 

Huang Renjun had not been expecting that. His doe eyes went wide and he turned to look at the taller boy.

Renjun refused to search for sincerity in Jaemin’s eyes because he wouldn’t know what to do if he found it. 

Just as Renjun revealed his surprise, he masks it again with a sneer, “No you don’t. Don’t you fucking act like that.” 

“Act like what?” Jaemin prodded. 

“Like I mattered to you,” Renjun breathed out and when he did, he saw his breath formulate in the air. It was cold. 

Jaemin smiled to himself as he looked down to his feet, “Would it make you feel better if I didn’t?” Jaemin had such good composure that Renjun was immensely jealous.

Renjun was quick to reply, “Yes, because at least then, I’d know you aren’t going to fuck with me again. At least then, you won’t accuse me of having feelings for someone who is such an  _ asshole _ .”

Upon bringing up the elephant in the room, Renjun saw Jaemin shift his body as if he had negative emotions associated with those memories. But just as he let out an air of discomfort, Jaemin made himself cool and composed once more. 

“Fine, deal,” Jaemin shook his head in agreement and Renjun didn’t know why a part of him felt a bit of disappointment, “So, if it really doesn’t matter anymore, on both of our parts, then it also wouldn’t matter if you go on a ride with me, would it? Right now?”

Renjun stared incredulously at the taller boy, but Jaemin did not budge. Is he joking? “You’re joking.” 

Jaemin pursed his lips, “Why would I be?” 

“What makes you think I’d want to do that?” 

“Your obvious crush on me,” Jaemin smirked. 

Renjun felt his blood boil.  _ Now _ , Jaemin was just making a fool out of him. He hated how even though Renjun never had and  _ will _ never admit to ever having had a crush on Na Jaemin, that the taller boy most likely sees through it. Worse, that he is playing around with it, as if human emotion didn’t matter. Renjun knew that if he stood there idle a moment longer, one of them was going to be pushed into the ocean. And it was not going to be himself. 

“Fuck you, Jaemin,” Renjun hissed before turning his heels, heading down the dock towards the direction of his boat. 

He heard footsteps jogging to catch up behind him, and Renjun gave it everything he’s got to not go off. The footsteps got louder as they closer, and Renjun wished they would go away. Wished  _ he _ could go away. Why did it feel as if he always unintentionally wore his heart on his sleeve. 

“Renjun, don’t be like that,” Jaemin said firmly, “I was just messing with you.” 

Renjun ignored the other, eyes dead set on driving away someplace where he can have his peace and quiet. Maybe he’ll go back to Yangyanggun. It’s an hour by car, but forty minutes by boat if he rides directly along the coastline. Or maybe he’ll find some private cove somewhere he can mope around in. 

“Renjun,” Jaemin grabbed his wrist this time and pulled the boy to face him. Renjun let out a  _ get off of me _ , not wanting to look in his former friend’s eyes, and struggled to get out of the grip. But then Jaemin brought both of his hands to grip on Renjun’s arms, one on each side, pulling him closer but still at a distance. Jaemin’s grip was not tight, for he knew it would not take make. Renjun crossed his arms, giving up as he knew Jaemin had the upper hand. Still, he refused to meet the taller’s eyes. 

“Look at me,” 

Renjun refused, pretending that a seagull perched on a wooden pole was more interesting than what Jaemin had to say. 

“Renjun, I said look at me,” This time, Jaemin brought his fingers to Renjun’s chin, lifting the smaller boy’s face to look at his own. Renjun wanted to shiver at the touch, wanted to lean into it, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t. 

Jaemin’s voice then went soft, “I was just kidding.” 

Renjun’s brows furrowed, “Were you kidding last time?” 

_ Last time. _ Renjun couldn’t help asking, despite doing all that he could to prevent himself from remembering those words;  _ “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’ve developed feelings for me.” _ Last time it had hurt so bad. It had hurt so bad because it was the truth. A truth that Jaemin just played with as if it was his toy.

A truth that he never spoke out loud, but he was sure the other could see it etched within his lips, written in his eyes, carved into his soul. 

Even if Renjun were to take his crush out of the equation, and assumed that he just saw Jaemin as a friend, the mere fact that Jaemin let go of a friend that he spent almost every day with so quickly  _ hurt _ . Not to mention, it was under the ruse that they’d be too busy to hang out once school started again, or that they’re too different to understand each other, when the entire summer, Renjun came to the conclusion that no one understood Renjun more. 

Renjun could see the taller boy, who was standing too close for comfort, chew on the side of his lip for a moment.

“No, but I’ll believe you now if you say what I said back then wasn’t the case,” Jaemin spoke, and Renjun hated that it sounded sincere. 

“Well, it wasn’t,” Renjun lied. He lied to save his heart. 

Jaemin let go of Renjun. Opting to step back a moment and nodded satisfactorily, “Then we’re okay, right? You can go on a ride with me? For old time’s sake?” 

Renjun scoffed.  _ For old time’s sake.  _ Jaemin wanted to hang out with him again for the sake of nostalgia? What a dumb fucking excuse. No, they were not okay. Because there was still the issue that Na Jaemin could not care  _ less  _ about completely cutting ties with a person who he had grown so close to, even though neither of them ever explicitly said that they couldn’t continue to be acquaintances after the summer. Jaemin didn’t even give him that pleasure. And Renjun knew, he had a feeling that he knew, if he were to let the other boy in again, who’s to say he won’t do it again? 

“No, we are  _ not _ friends. And I’m not going anywhere with you. You always told me you hated how your popularity made people afraid to reject you,” Renjun said as he walked away, “Well, here’s me rejecting you.” 

  
  


He untied his boat, and got ready to ride. Not once did Renjun look back at his old friend, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t listen out for when he’d hear Jaemin’s footsteps walking away. And he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised it took the other boy a good moment to do so, as if he had something else to say. Whatever it had been, if it had been anything at all, is now gone along with Na Jaemin’s presence. 

That night, Renjun didn’t go home for a while. The black speedboat cruised along the upper coast, a place he’s never been before, until it found a little cove nestled among a thin species of oak trees. Its roots touching the water, buried underneath wet sand. There, Renjun let himself scream at the waves, wanting it to scream back at him and tell him his heart was being stupid for beating faster when Jaemin was around. And then, when he had let it all out, he settled. Into the body of his boat, laying looking up at the stars. 

His body was chilly. Winter was not over and Renjun was all but prepared. His short sleeved shirt felt like paper on his skin, unprotecting of the bite that the winds of the ocean took out of him. But he didn’t let himself care. At this moment, he just wanted rest, knowing that for the time he’ll be at Daejun High, there will be none for him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The following day was better. Donghyuck, Chenle, and Kun greatly eased the transition of being at Daejun High. It helped that they seemed to be on great terms with most of the school’s population, allowing Renjun to reap the benefits. It also helped that the students at Daejun High seemed to love the fact that there was a new face in school, since within a given year, there weren’t many. It would make sense too that they’d be delighted to see a fresh face. Renjun felt himself letting go of his preconceived stereotype that all Sokcho people were arrogant kids with a trust fund. They were a determined group of students. From his new friends, he discovered that students here were heavily involved with a variety of extracurricular activities, determined on making it to SNU in Seoul or any of the top universities, like he was doing himself.

He also discovered from Chenle, who was awfully interested in the activities of Jaemin’s group of pretty-boy friends, that Na Jaemin was on SNU’s watchlist for soccer recruits. 

Renjun didn’t tell Chenle that he had already known this. He had known this because of those quiet nights in the summer, when Jaemin would stress about improving his performance this season, about getting rid of his nerves. He would rant about how fucking terrifying those recuiters were. Renjun would always tell him, “ _ It’s going to be okay, Nana.”  _ Simple, but effective words, for Jaemin’s shoulders always seemed to relax at those words. Jaemin called it the Renjun Effect. 

“So what are you going to join, Renjun?” Kun asked, shoving rice into his mouth. 

Renjun was quick to answer, “Well, at my old school, I was doing tennis, art club, choir, and a couple community service clubs. I’ll just try out for those here if they’re still doing auditions. I saw a poster saying tennis tryouts for the new season were soon.” 

Donghyuck nodded in approval, “That’s a good load. Mind you though, that group over there,” He gestured over to Jaemin’s group of friends, “always attend the tennis matches.”

Renjun was confused, “Why is that?”

Chenle let out an amused laugh, “For the girls. They’re hot.” 

Renjun rolled his eyes at that, “Of course that’s why.”

“How can you even play knowing that they are watching you,” Chenle fans himself. 

Renjun elbows the kid, “What is up with your  _ obsession  _ with them.” 

  
  


And that was how Renjun found himself listening to Chenle point out each and every one of the people in said group, sitting a couple tables away eating their own lunch.  _ That’s Jisung _ . Chenle had spent a suspiciously long time talking about him. Renjun looked to where he was pointing. The boy looked tall, and had black hair with messy fringes almost covering his eyes in a charming way. Chenle had droned on about him in particular that Kun had to remind him to move on.  _ That’s Mark _ . A boy with wide shoulders and a wide smile to match. His hair dyed a light brown. This time, it was Donghyuck who rambled on about the kid. Chenle skipped over Jaemin’s introduction, figuring that Renjun probably knew enough about him already.

_ That’s Lee Jeno _ . Renjun looked to where Chenle was discreetly pointing. Jeno was wearing an adidas jacket on top of a white tee, but Renjun could still tell that underneath that, Jeno had a good amount of toned muscle. It could be seen simply from the way he carried himself, or sat. Jaw seemingly cut from stone and strong eyes. He was undoubtedly attractive. 

Renjun hadn’t realized he’d been obviously looking until Lee Jeno looked over and met his eyes. Stormy black. Chenle immediately stopped talking, muttering to the table  _ oh shit, Renjun look away _ . When he did, it was too late. In Renjun’s peripheral, he could already see Jeno saying something to the table, only confirmed when Renjun could practically sense that their whole table had turned to look at his own. Donghyuck cursed under his breath and kicked Chenle under the table. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Say, Jaemin, isn’t that the new kid you had that little argument with in class yesterday?” Lee Jeno had asked. 

Jaemin hummed in response. 

“Huang Renjun, right?”

Jaemin hummed again. 

  
Lee Jeno had a bit of a mischievous grin on as he looked over to the other table, where the boy with the light blonde hair had now turned away, “He’s a cute one.” 

Jaemin looked up at his friend, knowing that Lee Jeno had an incredibly high standard for people he found attractive, and looked over to where Renjun sat, talking to his friends, “Isn’t he?”

  
  
  
  
  
  


The rest of Renjun’s school day could have been a lot worse. In calculus, he hadn’t tried publicly embarrassing Na Jaemin again. And the other didn’t try stepping out of line with Renjun. 

In fact, he kept it almost annoyingly civil, save for when he was frustrated with a problem and asked Renjun for help. Regardless of the occasional mental block, Jaemin was smart. Renjun certainly hadn’t expected that, especially with how Jaemin made himself out to be. He had been expecting a dumb jock, not one that was decently good at multivariable calculus. His annoying civility would go away when he would turn around in class to converse with his friends. Then, he was more charismatic, talkative. He would flirt back if some classmate flirted with him. He would quip if someone quipped with him. Renjun almost felt left out. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Go on a ride with me, for old time’s sake,” Jaemin asked. 

“ _ Again? _ ” Renjun stared incredulously at him, “You’re going to ask me this again?” 

“Yes. I go on rides either way. Come with me.”

  
  


Renjun did not understand why he was having this conversation again. Moreso, Huang Renjun did not understand why once again, he had come to the dock for his daily rides and Na Jaemin was jogging up right behind him. Today, Jaemin had changed into an athletic sweatshirt over a pair of running joggers. Renjun hated to say he looked stunning. The school colors, black and gold, adorned in his outfit, contrasted greatly with his light pink hair. A bead of sweat ran down Jaemin’s face. A pair of cleats still on his feet.

“Did you just come from soccer practice?” Renjun asked, ignoring Jaemin’s previous request. 

“Obviously,” He smiled. He had perfect teeth. Perfect, white teeth. Of course he did. 

“Well go home and take a shower,” Renjun rolled his eyes. 

“How about we go swimming instead?” Jaemin asked, head motioning in the direction of the ocean. 

“No.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That night, the waves weren’t loud enough to scream at. Instead, the ocean calmed itself, and Renjun cursed at it for being able to be calmer at heart than himself. He could still smell the freshly mowed grass of the field off of Jaemin from earlier, mixed with that same husky cologne he always wore. He wanted to hate it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“We’re going to have a project due in two weeks,” Mrs. Jun announced, prompting mutual groans of overworked, tired kids across the classroom. She clapped to herself, “Okay we’re going to have none of that in here. Get excited! You get to work with your seatmate!”

Renjun sucked in some air, already disliking the situation. He looked over. Jaemin twirled a gel pen around his finger. He didn’t seem to care much. 

“I want you to find two applications of partial derivatives in real life, happening around you. After, you need to make a video, five minutes minimum, explaining the two applications and giving algebraic proofs.” She announced while handing out a rubric. 

She had given the class the rest of the block to discuss with their seatmates a plan of action, considering this will be a completely out-of-school project. Renjun would love to do anything but this right now, but unfortunately, he loved having an exceptional grade more. 

However, Jaemin apparently didn’t feel the same, for his seatmate was busy. Beside him, Jaemin had his body turned opposite of Renjun, preferring instead to indulge the company of his friends around him, completely ignoring the teacher’s instructions. They were conversing about something Renjun could not find himself caring about, at least not more than getting this project finished as soon as possible. 

“Na Jaemin,” Renjun’s voice demanded attention. 

“Yes, princess?” Jaemin smoothly spoke as he turned back around in his seat. Renjun was not amused. 

“First of all, don’t ever call me that again,” Renjun started, flicking the side of Jaemin’s ear where he knew the boy was sensitive, “Second of all, I’m going to need you to actually  _ work _ with me in school and not just pretend that you don’t know me.” 

Renjun heard the unmistakable sound of Jeno snorting behind him. 

Jaemin leaned his head back to shoot his friend a dirty look before turning his attention back to Renjun, “I’m not pretending I don’t know you. I’m just being considerate not to bother you.” 

“And how’s that going for you, so far?” 

Jaemin shook his head with a cheeky smile, “Not very well, I must say. I bother you just by breathing.” 

“Exactly,” Renjun said, smiling in agreement, while pulling out a notebook, “What’s your schedule?” 

Jaemin raised a playful eyebrow--Renjun wished he hadn’t--and propped his chin up on his palm too close for comfort, “If you want to go on a date, just say so. Just get straight to the point, Renjun.” 

Renjun’s face heated up, “If you want to get a zero, just  _ say so _ . Let  _ us _ get straight to the point, Jaemin. We need to have two applications.”

“Easy,” Jaemin said, speaking casually as if he had already put lots of deep thought into it, “In soccer, we can use partial derivatives to find out what slope of our kicks provide the best distance. And since I already have practice most days of the week, just pick a day to come by and you can film me. And watch me, of course.” Jaemin winked at that last part.

Renjun did not like how Jaemin’s suggestion was actually quite clever and would work really well. Renjun nodded, ignoring that suggestive wink near the end, “And for the second one, I’ve got an idea. It’s something easy. You know how glass cups usually pinch in near the bottom? We can use partial derivatives to measure relative distance.” 

Jaemin thought on it, “Yeah, that’s good. I’ll take you to a diner. Does today after school work for you?” 

Renjun shook his head no, “I got tennis tryouts today.” 

At this, Jaemin raised his eyebrow again--Renjun wished he could stop doing that--, “I didn’t know you played.” 

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me. You don’t  _ actually  _ know me, remember?” Renjun wanted to bring back Jaemin’s own words and he could see Jaemin uncomfortable shifting in his seat. 

The bell rung. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“ _ No _ , Jaemin. I am not riding with you,” Renjun said in an exasperated voice. 

“C’mon. For old time’s sake,” Jaemin asked. Renjun was getting sick of hearing those words. It was day three and Jaemin did not fail to show up jogging to the dock. Today, still in his soccer practice attire, just with a different shirt. A light wind blew across Jaemin’s face, sweeping some strands of hair across his eyes. Renjun wanted to reach over and brush them out of the way. 

“My god, do you live near the dock or something? How do you even get here this fast?” Renjun spoke, untying his boat from the pole it had previously been attached to. 

“No, I just go on a looped jog everyday.”

“So what I’m hearing is that I need to change the time that I go down here?” Renjun asked. 

Jaemin gave him a signature smile, “You’re not going to do that, though, are you. I know you always leave to see the sunset, Renjun. You wouldn’t miss it unless you had to.”

It hurt Renjun to know that Jaemin still remembered. It was a pain brought on by the fact that Jaemin spoke as if they were long time friends. 

When Renjun didn’t reply, Jaemin asked, “How were tennis tryouts?” 

“We’ll see in a week,” Renjun replied while fumbling for his keys. He knew Jaemin was dissatisfied with the lack of a proper response. He could tell by the way he stood idly around, waiting for some expansion of thought. Renjun didn’t want to offer any.

“Come on a ride with me, Renjun.” Jaemin asked once more. 

Renjun couldn’t help but stop and look at the taller boy, handsome in all of his glory. Renjun was convinced that Jaemin  _ had _ to have known that Renjun would say no. The boy had to be asking knowing full well Renjun will say no again. Before Renjun could say no, Jaemin interrupted.

“There’s a party tonight. If I go then I’ll drink too much. I’ll flirt too much with girls I barely know the names of. I’d have fun, but if you tell me right now that you’ll ride with me tonight, I won’t hesitate to tell them I’m not going.” 

Renjun bit the inside of his lip. Here Jaemin was, wanting to rekindle their friendship. Here Jaemin was, willing to choose him over a party that he would have a great time at. But Renjun convinced himself that he knew the reason why. 

When he spoke, Renjun spoke softly, “I’m not here to just be your form of escape when you want to take a break, Jaemin.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Renjun, you’re telling me that Na Jaemin would give up that  _ wild  _ ass party from last night to hang out with  _ you _ ?” Chenle asked, mouth gaped. And then he closed it again, “Not saying that you’re not worth it, but wow. And you refused?” 

“Yeah. I’m not going to be that friend he only goes to when he needs someone to use,” Renjun said, spoon swirling around his soup. 

“Besides, Chenle, how would you even know it was wild?” Kun and Donghyuck both inquired.

“I was there, stupid,” Chenle replied as if it was obvious, “Courtesy of Park Jisung.”

Renjun disliked how curious he was, “What did Jaemin end up doing at the party?”

Chenle looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember, “Well, he didn’t drink that much at all. He did end up going up to a room with Kim Jaehee though.” 

Renjun pinched himself to distract his mind from thought he didn’t want, “Expected.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Renjun was in an empty classroom flipping through his advanced chemistry notes. He had a free period off before he’d have to go to that class, but Renjun never really considered it “free” since he spent most of that time huddled up in some corner on campus studying for some class or planning his pieces for his newly inducted fine arts clubs. Here, it was quiet. 

His world history teacher was also a coach for the school’s volleyball team, and this was the period they had practice. When Renjun had asked her if he could use the classroom for studying, she didn’t hesitate to say yes. Renjun could have chosen the library. It would make the most obvious option, but the library was not as quiet as people may think, especially with the occasional ruckus of rowdy underclassmen giggling over something on their phones.

Here, he could do his work in peace, with the only sounds being occasional footsteps up and down the hallway as someone passed. 

Renjun had been deep in study when he felt the sound of a hand slapping a door frame coming from the front side of the classroom where the entrance was. Renjun looked up, large circular framed glasses slipping down his nose. He only wore them when he studied. At the entrance, Lee Jeno had poked his head in. He donned a pair of joggers that revealed how large and well built his thighs were-- _ soccer thighs.-- _ and the plain t-shirt he wore as a top accentuating his toned arms. 

“I was looking for Coach Yoon, but you’ll do,” Jeno said. He was carrying a packet of papers in his hand. Probably something he needed to deliver or makeup work. 

“Excuse me?” Renjun deadpanned, as Jeno made his way across the classroom. 

“I  _ suck _ at World History. I can’t remember dates.” Jeno explained, “I came here looking for help from her.”

“Oh,” Renjun understood. Although Renjun was good at memorizing dates, courtesy of being exceptional in numbers, he wasn’t that wonderful when it came to memorizing names of the millions of historical figures, “She’s in the gym right now: volleyball. But what does this have to do with me?” 

Jeno shrugged, pulling out a chair in front of Renjun before sitting down. The boy eyed the chair, wondering how long Jeno would be staying, “Tips? And maybe a study buddy? You’re supposed to be ridiculously smart, aren’t you?” 

“I won’t deny it, but I gotta ask who told you that,” Renjun gave him a smile. 

“Jaemin,” Jeno replied while laying out his papers in front of them.

_ Jaemin _ ? Renjun inquired further, making sure to be nonchalant about it, “He talks about me?”

“Here and there,” Jeno replied and leaned back into his seat, now looking up at Renjun, “Sometimes good things. Sometimes bad things. Anyways, are you down for” He gestured to their seating situation and the papers, “this?” 

Renjun thought about it. Although he did like being alone, he was probably alone for too much out of self-isolation. It wasn’t as if the classroom would get that much louder with one extra person in it, right? Besides, he  _ did _ need a bit of help with the names, “Alright. You help me with names of historical figures, and I help you with dates, deal?” 

“Deal,” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The coach whistled. The sound was deafening to Renjun’s ears. 

“Again!” He yelled at the group of boys. 

Renjun had found himself sitting on the soccer team’s bench, with special permission from the Coach. Jaemin had notified the coach of their little project beforehand, and the coach was not one to deny their star player anything. The boy had a small camera in his hand, and had been steadily filming close up sequences of Jaemin’s practice kicks. He knew that he was supposed to be looking closer for mathematical elements, but Renjun couldn’t help but be in awe. 

Jaemin really was as good as everyone said he was, even at practice. The fluidity in his movements when a play called for it, the switch to sudden sharpness if a different play called for it. He was truly in his element, for nothing could bring the athlete out of focus. Everything the coach yelled at him for, he listened attentively and fixed it by the next practice round. He tamed the ball between his feet. It was almost as if Jaemin was the sun and the ball revolved around it. Renjun was mesmerized and he suddenly understood why everyone else always was too. The team itself was well coached and well put together. Jaemin may be the star player, but everyone else on the team was also crucial to the fluidity of the group’s function and great dynamic. Renjun couldn’t help but admire it. 

Jeno jogged up to him, sweat beads up and down his face and neck. His hair was practically wet from the perspiration and his chest heaved, “You’re a bit small to be our new player,” Jeno joked, “You’re here for the project, right?”

Renjun nodded and he watched Jeno unscrew his water bottle and massively gulp down, “You guys look incredible out there.”

Jeno gave him a funny, lopsided smile and ruffled Renjun’s hair a little bit, “This? This is just practice, Renjun. This is nothing.” 

Renjun’s eyes went wide.  _ This _ was nothing? If this was nothing, then Renjun could not begin to imagine just how good they’d be in an actual game. 

Before Renjun could reply, a ball whizzed behind Jeno and knocked straight into the back of Lee Jeno’s head. He brought his hand up to the back of his head, rubbing out the ache just inflicted upon him before turning around to face the perpetrator. 

“Back in practice, Jeno.” Jaemin said with authority. A couple meters behind Jeno, Jaemin jogged by, not sparing a glance as he spoke. 

Nodding, Jeno gave a brief goodbye wave to Renjun before heading back on the field. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“How was it?” Jaemin asked, as they walked alongside one another. Renjun was headed towards the dock, but Jaemin kept insisting that his house was in the same direction.  _ You have a car, why don’t you drive. _ Renjun had asked.  _ You also have a car. Why don’t you drive? _ The boy had replied, knowing full well it was because Renjun simply enjoyed the serenity of a walk. Renjun had told him before, back in the summer. 

“It was good. I got some good footage, and I think from that, I’ll be able to make a proof,” Renjun replied, his fingers palming the end of his thin pull over. 

“No, I meant how  _ was _ it?” Jaemin asked, stopping as they were nearing the dock once more, “How was I?’ 

Renjun understood what he was asking now. And he could tell Jaemin was truly listening by the way his voice seemed to seek approval. Was there a hint of nervousness there? Renjun could refuse to give Jaemin the pleasure of boosting the boy’s ego and tell him he was average, knowing that Jaemin put his entire being into soccer. But Renjun knew that it would be a disservice to God to say so. 

“You were better than people even claimed you were,” Renjun spoke truthfully. 

A smile spread on Jaemin’s face and Renjun hated that it made him feel good. It felt good to know that stunning smile was because of him. Renjun had missed it more than he’d care to admit. 

  
  


“Go on a ride with me, Renjun.” Jaemin asked then, “For o-”

“For old time’s sake,” Renjun finished, “I know, Jaemin. How many times are you going to ask?” 

“How many times are you going to say no?” And then Jaemin added, “Numerically. How many times” 

Renjun rolled his eyes. How was he supposed to know that? “What? I don’t know, a billion times?” 

Jaemin smiled at that, “Then I’ll ask a billion and one times.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter out soon! Thank you guys for reading <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, 5 chapters, instead of 4. I'm sorry for keep on adding chapters but  
>  I realized that I should probably split things up so you guys  
>  aren't reading 10k word chapters asdfasdf
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

  
  
  
  


“Congrats on making the tennis team,” Jeno had said after he came in for the fourth day of their study sessions.

As Jeno set his two bags, his backpack and his gym bag, down, Renjun’s eyes went wide, “I made what?” 

“The tennis team,” Jeno smiled, patting Renjun lightly on his cheek, “The roster was posted in the commons just a moment ago.”

Renjun’s heart swelled with joy and his smile radiated it. He didn’t expect to make it, knowing that he had only started the sport not too long ago at his old school. Besides, it was an extremely competitive process to make it onto Daejun High’s small tennis team, and he felt as if his tryouts could have gone either way. It was a great surprise to make up for a relatively uninteresting day at school, and he couldn’t help a feeling of extreme pride. He jumped up out of his seat, scattering some papers on the floor, and jumped, giving his friend an excited hug. Jeno’s body went rigged for a moment, and then he embraced back. Basking in his own happiness, Renjun hadn’t even noticed Lee Jeno staring a bit too long as he left the classroom to see the list for himself. 

When Renjun had came back ten minutes later, having gone and spoken a little bit to the coach and his new teammates--4 girls and 2 other boys--, he was still radiating with good energy. Coming back into the classroom, Jeno was jotting down notes from a textbook while munching on a crisp apple. The boy slid into the seat in front of his friend and got started on his own work. Renjun didn’t mind Jeno’s company. He was fun to look at and fun to talk to. When they did study, he could get serious. When they did play around, Jeno could make bad jokes and Renjun would laugh, not at the joke, but at how horrible it was. 

Renjun couldn’t help but notice how the other behaved though. On any given day, Renjun lost track of how many innuendos Jeno came up with, often directed at Renjun. Lewd sexual comments that would make any girl swoon, but Jeno would always follow it up with _I’m just messing_ before Renjun would get too uncomfortable. It was also as if Jeno had a hearing problem, for he never heard anything Renjun had to say and continuously scooted his chair closer to the smaller boy until they had no choice but to keep brushing arms and legs. Renjun boiled it down to just that: Jeno just naturally liked to make weird comments and he also had a hearing problem. He chalked it up to being Jeno’s natural personality to act outrageously flirtatious. Aside from that, Jeno was good company. 

  
  
  
  
  


“So it’s time for an intervention, Renjun,” Donghyuck slammed his fists down at the lunch table dramatically. 

“About what,” Renjun shrunk back, evidently scared by his friends’ approach.

“You and Na Jaemin,” Kun whined. Renjun gulped, before his friend continued, “People have been spotting you and Jaemin at the dock down on 14th street, like, more than once. What is going _on_?”

Renjun played with his food, “It’s nothing important.” 

“Bullshit,” Chenle narrowed his eyes.

Renjun sighed. He knew it was no use trying to make up dumb excuses, especially when his friends have been nothing but loving and transparent towards him, “He comes every day after soccer practice, which is when I usually go down to the dock to boat, to ask me to go on a ride with him.”

Chenle put his chin on his palm with a dreamy look in his eyes, as if he found it to be the most romantic thing, “Every day, huh? Why do you say no? This is Na Jaemin you’re talking about.”

“I told you guys this,” Renjun quieted down, “I...can’t. He just wants to satisfy his nostalgia bone. He doesn’t actually want _me_.” 

The atmosphere suddenly got a little awkward from Renjun’s sudden shift to somberness, his voice was laced with a hint of sadness, so naturally, Donghyuck tries to lighten the mood at their table. 

“Ah, I thought you had been meeting up to suck his dick or something,” Donghyuck quipped. And just like that, their moment was over.

Renjun kicked his friend under the table harshly and threw a raw carrot at his head, “I’m sure Jaemin already has plenty of people lined up to suck him off without him actually having to work for it.”

A voice sounded behind him, an all too familiar voice, and Renjun suddenly wanted to die, regretting his entire existence. 

“So what you’re saying is that if I work really hard for it, you’ll suck my dick?” Jaemin asked, chuckling, before taking a seat beside him, elbows resting on the table and his teasing eyes bore into Renjun’s soul, “That’s not that bad of an offer,”

Renjun’s face must have clearly been red, but he spoke through gritted teeth nevertheless, “What are you doing here.”

Jaemin waved his hands around the air, “No, no, I want to go back to what you were saying earlier? Something about having your pretty lips wrapped around my co-” 

“Finish that sentence, and Coach will wonder why you didn’t make it to practice today,” Renjun threatened, to which Na Jaemin laughed. At their table, Donghyuck, Chenle, and Kun pretended to be involved in another conversation, despite listening in very intently and barely being able to wait to tease Renjun about this later. 

“Alright, I’m done playing,” Jaemin said while laughing, “I’ve just come to ask if, after my practice today, I can pick you up and we can head to that diner for the second part of our project.” 

Renjun had his first tennis practice after school, but since that ended an hour before Jaemin’s soccer practice, he should be good, “Yeah that’s fine. I’ll text you my address.”

For some reason, Jaemin’s face lit up, “You still have my number?” 

Renjun slowly replied. Was he not supposed to? “...Yes?” 

He didn’t tell Jaemin the truth that after the summer ended, Renjun still held on to the hope for a little while that maybe, Jaemin might call him one day and tell him he hadn’t meant the things he had said or did. That the night before they parted ways never happened and that they were okay. It never came. 

“Is it…” Jaemin seemed more hesitant to speak now, “...still saved under the same name?”

 _Nana_ . That was what Renjun had saved Jaemin’s contact under, during a time when that nickname was precious and unique from Renjun to Jaemin. Jaemin always smiled after Renjun would call him that, enjoying the intimacy of the nickname only he gave him. After the entire fiasco between them, Renjun hadn’t actually bothered to change it, fingers always hovering above his screen to do it but never actually being able to. It was still _Nana_ , but Jaemin was not about to know that. 

“I’ll see you at 7, Jaemin,” Renjun avoided the question. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

“You look nice,” Jaemin smiled. 

Renjun hated that he was blushing a bit at the compliment. He was adorning a thin, chiffon cream colored shirt on top of a pair of houndstooth patterned pants that came to a skinny leg at the bottom. But Jaemin was no one to talk about looking nice. After practice, Jaemin had showered and changed into a pair of messily ripped jeans and a classic white pullover. He looked like he was born to break hearts. How could someone look so good effortlessly? It made the thumping in Renjun’s chest a lot more difficult to hide.

“Thanks,” Renjun said sheepishly as they stood in front of the diner, “I’m gonna be on camera, might as well look decent.” 

It was a retro decorated diner, American-themed like in the movies; the food, however, was Korea-American fusion. Honey butter pancakes, korean spiced sausages, melon-flavored milkshakes, savory hashbrowns with gochujang seasoning. Renjun could smell it hit his nose the moment he walked in. His first tennis practice had been tough, and his stomach was fiending for food to restore his energy. Elvis memorabilia and classic American vinyls decorated the walls, with a vintage boombox in the corner. There were pop culture references everywhere. Renjun didn’t actually think he could find a place this interesting in Sokcho, and silently thanked Jaemin for bringing him here, in his white 2019 Jaguar XF, might he add. 

Renjun couldn’t help but notice that while at the diner, they had spent less than 10% of their time actually doing the project, and the rest of the time talking. It wasn’t intentional, for Renjun would never dare intentionally open himself up to Jaemin again. But he couldn’t help it. There was a relaxed, comfortable aura around his former friend, who had kept prodding questions until Renjun would finally answer him. _Do you still sleep with a moomin plushie? What do you think of this song? Should I dye my hair another color?_ He just chalked it down to Jaemin being naturally talkative. No matter what, they steer clear of the subject of the past unless it was harmless. Both knew that it would open up a can of worms that neither seemed ready to talk about just yet. Renjun couldn’t help but smile ridiculously at their strange conversations.

The 10% of work for the project that they _did_ had to be taken in over fifty shots. Laughing the entire time over spilled milkshakes, it was hard for shaky hands to record anything. Not only that, but having had much more interesting conversations in the past hour or however long they were there, it was hard to even concentrate on cracking numbers for calculus. For the video, Jaemin had to recite lines about partial derivatives while holding the glass of milkshake up as a prop, yet just as he would begin, Jaemin would catch a glimpse of Renjun trying to hold in his own laughter by blowing air into his cheeks and shortly after, he’d burst out into laughter himself. 

“I swear to God, Jaemin,” Renjun exasperatedly said between bouts of laughter, hands shakily holding the camera, “Get yourself together. We need to get this project done.” Earning an incredulous look from his project partner. 

Jaemin waved his arms in the air accusingly and pretended to flip the table, “You’re the one that keeps laughing first! This is all your fault.”

Renjun and Jaemin both could just feel the impatient eyes of the restaurant manager, probably wanting to come over and tell them to quiet down any moment now. It made them want to laugh more. Renjun never ceased to be amazed with how sweet the sound was.

Jaemin ended up paying for Renjun, despite the smaller boy insisting that he’s got himself. Jaemin wasn’t taking any of that, already laying his card down on the tab before Renjun could even dig out his wallet. They drive together in a relaxed quiet ambiance, music in the background. Renjun had suggested “Ride to Melrose” by an American pop singer Charlie Puth, wanting something to lay on the mood thick. And as they drove through the streets of Sokcho on their way to the dock, as Renjun requested Jaemin to take him, he sang along to the slow, vibey R&B track, letting his pretty voice echo through the car. His seats smelled like fresh leather, and a red rim decorated his steering wheel. There was a touchscreen in the middle where the music and car functions could be controlled. It was definitely a nice car. In the middle compartment, Renjun spotted a pack of condoms. _Magnum_. Of course. Renjun could have guessed Jaemin wore the largest size. He tried to push down the thought of how many people Jaemin had taken home in this car for that purpose. It wasn’t his business what Jaemin’s sex life was. It wasn’t as if Renjun was innocent himself. He wasn’t, but seeing the condoms lie in the compartment of Jaemin car had him wondering what he could do wi-

_No_ , _stop it Renjun._ He cursed at himself. 

“You can have some, if you’d like,” Jaemin said without taking his eyes off the road, head gesturing in the direction of the condoms. Jaemin’s thoughts flashed back to the last night of their previous summer, when Renjun had revealed that he wasn’t as innocent as Jaemin would have thought. Jaemin wasn’t sure if he wanted to see that side of Renjun, or if he didn’t. 

Renjun bit the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want to share Jaemin’s condoms, and besides, “My...um, position, doesn’t require condoms.”

Jaemin knew what he meant. Renjun could tell he knew too, by the side smirk on his former (?) friend’s face. He didn’t know how to feel about revealing to Jaemin his intimate life, but they were approaching the dock anyways so it wouldn’t matter in a couple minutes. Renjun hadn’t even noticed that Jaemin had taken the long route there. 

Stepping out of the car, a harsh cold bite nipped at Renjun’s body. The temperature had suddenly dropped when night fell, and his teeth chattered at the abrupt change in temperature. In Jaemin’s car, it had been toasty and warm. Unlike out here where the cold was much more unforgiving. Jaemin opened his trunk, pulling out a thick hoodie. It had his name on the back as well as his soccer number. 

“Wear this,”

“It has your name on the back... _and_ number,” Renjun commented, holding himself. 

Jaemin shrugged, “Rep me, then. Besides, you’re going to freeze to death if you don’t wear it.” 

Renjun took the hoodie out of his hands, knowing he was right, and slipped it on easily over his head. Renjun’s small shoulders and small frame was swallowed up by the hoodie, giving him the classic sweater paws. Jaemin smiled at the sight. He never thought he’d see a day when Huang Renjun would be repping him in his clothes. He felt a sense of pride. Suddenly, he wanted to go onto the field and practice some sets to make sure Renjun doesn’t wear his jersey number in vain. 

“Careful, Jaemin,” Renjun said softly, “You’re venturing too dangerously in the good friend territory. I didn’t know you were capable of that.” 

“Ah, you’re right,” Jaemin ruffled the back of his own head, “I can’t let people know I have a heart.” 

Renjun shook his head and crossed his arms, teetering forward and backwards, “You know, you are a lot better than you made yourself seem. Yes, you have a lot of sex, you drink, you do all kinds of things, but you do know that doesn’t necessarily make you a horrible person, right? People don’t just talk about your rendezvous, you know, but also your incredible grades, how you’re actually pretty charismatic, and all of the little things that make you not an asshole.”

Jaemin didn’t say anything. 

Renjun continued, “I just wanted to say that to let you know that you don’t have to hide your ‘soft’ side. People won’t love you any less. It’s not like you have to give up your crazy night outs just because you become more true to yourself” 

Jaemin looked down at the ground for a moment, a hint of a smile blooming on his handsome face. When he looked up to meet Renjun’s unsure eyes, Renjun wasn’t sure what he was looking for in Jaemin’s kind smile. 

“Renjun,” Jaemin spoke firmly. The latter hummed in response. Jaemin continued, “Thank you.” 

He could hear the sincerity in Jaemin’s voice from a mile away. It was unmistakable, and Renjun lied to himself to say he did not miss hearing that tone in Jaemin’s words. 

“Of course” Renjun shook his head in acknowledgement, “Well, you can go home now. You’ve been here long enough that I’m sure one of your many fangirls knows you’re here. They already think something’s going on.” Renjun needed fresh air. He had been with Jaemin for far too long today.

“I don’t care. They’re going to start rumors about us regardless of whether I leave now or if I leave later,” Jaemin began, “Go on a ride with me. For old time’s sake.” 

“No,” Renjun said, this time with no hostility, and turned his heels. 

“Renjun, we were having a moment here!” Jaemin yelled after him, “I even gave you my hoodie!”

 _Well, I gave you my heart_ , Renjun thought to himself, “I’ll give it back tomorrow” He yelled back. 

“Keep it. It looks good on you.” 

Renjun was glad it was nighttime, for the pink flush on his own face was unmistakable. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Renjun had stopped counting the number of days that Jaemin showed up at the dock as Renjun was approaching, asking him the _same_ question. And when Renjun would ask why he even wanted to so bad, Jaemin would reply with the _same_ answer: “for old time’s sake.” There was something about that wording and its implication that irked Renjun’s nerves. For old time’s sake. Just that? That is the only reason why Jaemin was so desperate to spend a night out on the waters with Renjun? He was beginning to think Jaemin had nothing better to do, but he knows that wasn’t the case. Because he heard stories all the time about the star soccer player. 

Renjun had also stopped counting the number of people who wanted so desperately to please Jaemin. He could see why the boy wanted to escape, despite Jaemin seeming to revel in it at school. Renjun knew that at times, it could be suffocating. Sokcho loved Jaemin, maybe a little too much. He finds out that people were not kidding when they talked about the athlete’s reputation. Anything that he did got around. Which party he was at. Where he took his younger cousin to hang out. What girl he had his hands all over the other night. How many drinks he had. Even what his grades were. They even knew that Na Jaemin, for some reason, kept being spotted at the dock talking to that transfer student, Huang Renjun. It never amounts to anything, but nevertheless, it was awkward to have people constantly coming up to him asking him questions. Renjun never indulged anyone in those conversations. In class, he’d complain to Jaemin about it, yet the boy refuses to stop coming to the dock. 

Renjun disliked how despite him putting up barriers, Jaemin didn’t actually have to do anything to make Renjun himself tear them down. The pink haired casanova was relentless in his witty remarks, shameless flirting (albeit, he does that with just about everyone if they weren’t doing it to him first), and ultimate tomfoolery. Renjun could not deny Jaemin’s charms, but he had to pinch himself to snap out of it. He hated how the taller boy made him feel. He hated how Jaemin had recently changed his walking routes in the hallways so that he had time to exchange a couple of conversations with Renjun. He hated how now that Jaemin knew where he lived, he’d come over asking for help in English, where he would do the tiniest amount of work and spend the rest of the time bothering Renjun. It didn’t take Renjun long to figure out Jaemin was actually great at English. Upon being confronted, Jaemin even had the audacity to admit to it. _Yeah, I’m pretty great at English. I just needed an excuse to hang out with a friend._ Renjun kicked him, “You know friendship is two sided, right?” _Renjun, you injure me._

Life at Daejun was better than Renjun had expected it to be. The clubs were not difficult to handle, and he still had plenty of ample time to himself. His rides in the evening were lonely, but relaxing nevertheless. He would wonder what would happen if he gave in and came with Jaemin, but he never let himself linger on that idea for long. Jeno, if it was even possible, had gotten even more outrageously flirty with Renjun, never failing to mention how pretty he looked that day or giving him a suggestive wink. Sometimes, Renjun would go along with it just to tease the other. Renjun knew Jeno had to be playing around. He was sure the boy was like this to everyone. But it didn’t help Renjun’s already hectic schedule that in addition to their hour long study sessions, Jeno was constantly asking him to come to a soccer game. _Please come. I’ll do your homework for a week._ He would beg. Renjun always replied that he could do his own damn homework. 

Donghyuck, Chenle, and Kun frequent his house often now. All of them huddled up in Renjun’s bed, spilling gossip on what’s happening in the school and their own love lives. Renjun hates that his stomach does a twist when hearing what Jaemin was doing with this person or that person. 

“I heard he’s super safe though.” Chenle said while eating Renjun’s last ice cream drumstick, “Like, he uses condoms. And make sure he’s tested for...stuff. That’s more than anyone can say for the rest of the soccer team” 

“Ew, guys, I don’t want to hear about Jaemin’s nightly adventures,” Renjun whined, rolling over in his bed. 

Donghyuck jumped on him, “You’re just jealous it’s not youuuu.” He cooed. Renjun shoved a pillow in his friend’s face.

“No seriously, Renjun,” Kun piped up, “You are way too frustrated all the time. I think you need to come with us to that party Saturday night.” 

“But Saturday is my first match,” Renjun replied. Still, he was intrigued. He had been so caught up in adjusting to life in Sokcho that he had forgotten to take care of his social scene.

“That’s Saturday after _noon_ ,” Chenle rolled his eyes, “Come with us. We’ll make you look irresistible.” 

Renjun thought about it. He really lets himself go sometimes at parties, not caring what he does. It had been a problem back in Yangyanggan, which explained why Renjun never really talked about parties aside from with his friend Jungwoo from his old school. But at the same time, maybe letting himself go would loosen him up a little bit. He _had_ been too awfully stressed out about everything. And maybe, going home with someone would make him more clear headed when it came to Jaemin. 

“Okay, fine.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

Renjun could hear the pounding of his heart so loud that he was almost sure others could too. His first tennis match. It wasn’t that he was afraid of a crowd, he thought as he stood up to his position on the court, a guy from a neighboring high school on the opposite end. He had never been afraid of a crowd, considering that he was quite extroverted in nature. 

Renjun was nervous because of who all was _in_ the crowd. He had remembered his friends mentioning to him how Jaemin and his entire friend group always came to watch the tennis games, but they had also said that they came to watch the hot _girls_ play. And the last time he checked, Renjun was not a girl, so why was Jaemin and his _entire_ group of friends plus a dozen extra coming to see his first match, taking up the entire stand? Especially when there were 3 other matches about to start that _did_ have hot girls in tennis miniskirts. 

Renjun gave Chenle, Kun, and Donghyuck a panicked look from the side, but the three of them shrugged. The match was going to begin in about five minutes, but Renjun’s crowd were already acting like fools: screaming Renjun’s name and hollering in his honor. Renjun didn’t even know more than half of these people. Na Jaemin himself shot him a wide smile and wagged one eyebrow, a move enough to make his heart beat even faster. Renjun looked away quickly, but ended up catching Lee Jeno’s eye. Imploring, Renjun gave him a look and a head gesture silently saying _come here, really quick. Help._

Jeno took a moment to understand, but he jumped out of his place in the stands and jogged over to where Renjun was standing, awkwardly swinging his racket around. Behind Jeno, he could hear the group of boys whistle at the two of them, to which Jeno just shot his head back and gave them a wink and a shake of the head. 

“Renjun, you’re gonna give us a show?” Jeno asked as he reached the smaller boy, hand on Renjun’s tense shoulder, “Oh shit, relax baby.”

Renjun chose to ignore that last part and instead looked at his friend with panicked eyes, “Jeno, what are all of you guys doing here? Aren’t you guys supposed to be watching them? The pretty tennis girls you all drool over?” He waved his arms all around him at all of the other courts about to start their matches. He didn’t mean it as a bad thing. He loved his teammates, all of them gorgeous and wicked talented. They could crush an opponent in a mini skirt just as well as they could in sweatpants. He just didn’t understand why _they_ aren't receiving this ridiculously nerve-wrecking crowd instead. 

Jeno ruffled Renjun’s hair, “Yeah, well you’re a stunner.” 

In his peripheral, Renjun saw Jaemin jog up to the two of them, dressed in a black tank top that showcased his toned arms and Adidas pants, “Renjun.”

Jaemin nodded to Jeno, “Sorry for interrupting. Time’s about to run out, and I needed to give something to Renjun here.”

Renjun’s face turned to one of confusion, but Jaemin began taking off a weaved brown-leather bracelet off of his wrist and reached out for Renjun’s own wrist. 

Jeno’s eyes went wide, “Is that-”

“This is my lucky charm, right here. I wore it to my very first game and I vowed to wear it to my very last,” Jaemin said smiling as Renjun allowed him to clasp the bracelet around his own wrist, “I’ve never lost a game with it on. And I’ve never taken it off either, see?” Jaemin raised his wrist so that Renjun could see the very stark tan line he had gotten from wearing the bracelet so long.

Renjun was touched, truly. He beamed, and smiled with genuine appreciation for Jaemin for the first time in a very long time. He didn’t know why he was suddenly worthy of something that seemed to hold a lot of importance for Jaemin, but he was immensely touched nevertheless. If he wasn’t more cautious, he might have even hugged him. 

Jeno interrupted, “Should I give you a lucky charm too?” 

Renjun turned to him, about to adamantly refuse any further acts of kindness out of sheer overwhelmness. 

But before Renjun could even open his mouth, Jeno had stepped closer and landed a kiss on his forehead before Renjun could even register it. Just as quickly as he had done it, Jeno walked away winking and shouting good luck behind him. 

Renjun had no words. Jeno had definitely been overly affectionate with him before, but it had always been in a suggestive way that was obvious it had to have been a joke. But just then, Renjun couldn’t tell if it was Jeno being playful again or if he was being _weird_. Renjun’s mouth was agape and he looked over at Na Jaemin, who looked deep in thought. As if he was trying to analyze what he just witnessed. 

Renjun’s eyes darted to the clock. Two minutes before the match started.

He decided to break Jaemin’s line of thought, playing around, he asked, “Are you going to kiss me good luck too?” 

Jaemin blinked and his attention was back on Renjun. He held his head high, almost looking down on Renjun’s small figure, “Two in a row will negate the effects, Renjun.” 

Renjun frowned. He didn’t like the part of himself that had almost wanted Jaemin to have said yes. But he shook his head and gave the boy in front of him a smile, “The match is about to start. I’ll give this back to you after I win.” Renjun gestured towards the bracelet. 

Jaemin shook his head no, “No, I won’t take it then. Give it back to me before my next soccer game, so you’ll have no choice but to come watch me. Anytime before that and I won’t take it.”

Before Renjun could even protest, Jaemin had already started going back to the stands to join his friends, leaving Renjun watching his back as he retreated before getting in position. 

He looked down at the bracelet Jaemin had allowed him to borrow and then over at his opponent. Renjun gave his opponent a sweet smile, twirling the racket in his hand to showboat. He was _not_ going to lose. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


He was hoisted into the air. Renjun’s crowd yelling and bouncing him on their arms as he celebrated the 3rd place medal around his neck. It was quite impressive for a first time player. He could even see Donghyuck, Chenle, and Kun within the crowd, his friends enjoying the feeling of being crushed in a huge celebration rave by Daejun High’s most attractive group of athletes and students a little too much. Renjun could almost get high off of it: the feeling of his name being chanted like a mantra.

He wasn’t even sure when he came back down to the ground, but when he did, he was unmistakably then wrapped in the arms of someone whose scent was such a familiar clean, strong musk. Whose hair resembled a pretty pink sunset. Whose strong arms made Renjun weak in the knees. 

He didn’t even protest. 

He just let himself melt into the hug. He blamed his rapid heartbeat on the game, and the exhilaration of his accomplishment. But he knew that if he dug a little deeper and did some soul searching, he would know that the reason had something to do with a boy. A boy he wanted _so_ desperately to dislike.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be out VERY soon, and it is STEAMY.  
> Also ty for reading, for all the nice comments, and feedback <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: underaged drinking ahead,   
> but if you made it this far, that probably won't be  
> a problem asdfasdafs

  
  
  
  
  
  


4PM. Renjun didn’t know why he bothered, but he found himself standing at the dock in front of his boat. This was an odd time for him to be at the dock. The sun was not even close to setting and he wasn’t even planning to go on a ride. Knowing there was a party he had agreed to attend at Mark Lee’s house in a couple hours, Renjun knew that he couldn’t ride that night, especially figuring that he would most likely not come home until well into the night, if not early into the morning. 

He didn’t know why he suddenly felt considerate, but he knew Na Jaemin, like a daily alarm schedule, would be here tonight at the time Renjun usually was, waiting to ask him the same question he had been asking every day. And Renjun was not going to be there, but he still didn’t want Jaemin to be waiting long for him. 

He left a note, on a bright pink piece of paper taped to the pole where his boat was docked. 

_ “I’m busy tonight! Don’t wait for me. The answer is still no regardless, so don’t wait for me. :D” _

Again, Renjun didn’t even know why he was being considerate. It would have been fun to have Jaemin wait around for him. But Renjun hated to admit that he was too weak in the heart to do that. Not this time. And probably not next time.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


The music was loud enough that as they were approaching the house, Renjun and his friends could hear it, even with the windows rolled all the way up. Hype music that was bass boosted to make everyone want to go out and dance. There were a good amount of cars leading up to the driveway, forcing them to have to park on another street and take a short walk to their destination. Renjun admits that he was excited, still coasting off the positive energy of his tennis wins earlier in the day. He twirled the leather bracelet around his wrist, waiting for his friends to get out of the car. Donghyuck, Kun, and Chenle had fought over who got to do Renjun’s makeup and who got to pick his outfit. Although Renjun had yet to attend a party while at  _ Sokcho _ , they acted like he had never attended a party  _ ever _ . His friends were decked out in their most stunning attire, hair styled perfectly and well thought out outfits. 

Renjun himself was no less than a doll. His lips were pink and wet from a light gloss. It was subtle enough that it looked as if he had been sensually making out with someone, leaving his lips colored and slick, rather than actual makeup. A smoky reddish brown eyeshadow accentuated the outer corner of his eyes, giving him a hazier appearance and making his eyes pop. A silver ear-cuff designed to look like a snake wrapped around his cartilage, and a simple thin chain choker laid gently around his slender throat. 

Renjun’s soft, but beautiful shoulders were on full display, as he adorned a slightly see-through, loose white, flowy shirt that had such a large neckline that it fell off of Renjun’s left shoulder easily, revealing a teasing expanse of skin. He didn’t even bother pulling his shirt off his shoulders. It would fall back down either way. Beneath, he wore a pair of skin-tight dark red ripped pants, with yet another stylistic silver chain hanging from his belt loop to his pocket. Donghyuck had whistled the moment Renjun stepped out of his bathroom to change. 

“You’re going to get yourself a  _ harem _ tonight, Renjunnie,” Chenle had said exasperated, “This isn’t even fair.”

  
  


So here they were, walking through the front yard of Mark Lee’s home, a two story house with a wrap around porch and balconies on every bedroom. The sky had already gone to sleep, the color as black as a raven’s feather with a light sprinkling of stars, but the house in front of them was  _ far _ from sleepy. It was to the point where Renjun would bet large money that they were going to encounter a noise complaint at least once tonight. 

People were hanging around the front yard, alcohol in hand, maybe a smoke in another. Chit chat was everywhere, only adding to the loudness of the atmosphere. They could see people up against some trees or corners making out, some playing table tennis set up outside on the grass under a bright fluorescent lamp, some just sitting on the porch faded off of weed and booze. On their way in, Renjun and all of his friends were greeted with enthusiastic waves and invitations to join them in whatever they were doing from classmates Renjun kind of recognized. But they had all planned to get a drink first, wanting to pregame themselves up for a wild night. Stepping on the porch, they could already feel the vibrations of large speakers blaring music from inside. The house was sturdy, but it even seemed to shake within its frame.

“Ah!,” Donghyuck stopped the both of them, “I forgot.” He dug into his pocket and grabbed something. Three condoms, and began handing them out to each of his friends. 

“One for you, one for you, and one for you. To stay safe, you know?” 

Kun frowned, “What’s this for?

His friend rolled his eyes, “Okay, I know all of us are huge bottoms, but who knows if your partner is going to have a rubber on hand. You have to be sure.”

Stuffing it in his back pocket, Renjun nodded,  _ ah, right _ , heading inside behind his friends. His ears had to adjust to the sudden loudness of the house, which was not only attributed to the music but also the sheer amount of people yelling over it. It was chaos, but in a good way. In the kitchen, people hung around the marble island, pouring themselves up another drink or doing body shots on the table beside it. Renjun  _ definitely _ wanted to try that at some point. None of the cups were normal sized. Mark Lee must have been one hell of a partier, because all of the plastic cups that he purchased were in the size venti. Boxes of pizza and bags of chips were stacked on a far table in the kitchen, where people whose stomach needed replenishing after an intense time dancing refueled their energy. 

In the living room and just about any other room besides the kitchen, there was an immense variety of activities going on.

Cup pong, where Renjun noticed Jeno was playing against some other athletes he recognized from practice, had a small crowd around them, cheering with every toss. These people play hard, Renjun thought, for instead of beer being in the cups per the usual, next to the table was a bottle of blueberry vodka. 

The couches were mainly occupied with either stoners or students making out and getting  _ incredibly _ close to dry fucking. It helped that Mark had a big house. And everywhere, there was dancing. Moving hips. Moving lips. Couples. Strangers. Friends. People going upstairs to the bedrooms. People going back downstairs wearing their shirts backwards followed by a partner shortly afterwards. Attractive people were everywhere, making a breeding ground for horrible decisions. Horrible decisions that he already knew his friends would be making voluntarily. 

Donghyuck and Chenle had already disappeared into the crowd, knowing Renjun could handle himself more than well. And Kun had just come back to him with two  _ suspiciously  _ large cups of cheap vodka mixed with grape jungle juice in his hands, handing one to Renjun, before heading onto the dance floor himself. Renjun looked at it. He could smell the distinctive stench of vodka, but now there was a hint of artificial grape flavor. 

He needed to set a limit for himself, especially when he knew that he could get carried away. He could handle his alcohol, but that didn’t mean he didn’t get extremely drunk after so much. And although Renjun can kind of sober up quite quickly even after being slammed drunk (he attributes it to his strong will power, but he knew it was probably just genetics), there was still an incredible amount of damage that he could do within the time frame that he  _ was _ wasted. Three cups? No, two. Two will work more than fine, especially with cups this large. There, that was his limit. 

Renjun was about to join his friends in the dance crowd when he spotted, amidst the crowd, Na Jaemin, and  _ of course _ he had his lips--those  _ perfect  _ lips--on a pretty girl’s neck, who Renjun recognized to be Choi Dahee from his English class. Her lipstick was still intact, as if Jaemin hadn’t kissed her at all. But her neck was beginning to show signs of red, little marks scattering on her smooth skin. Renjun didn’t blame him. Dahee was hot, and if Renjun was bold and was into girls, he would be doing the same thing given the opportunity. Nevertheless, it put butterflies, painful butterflies, in Renjun’s stomach to see the stories people spread around about Jaemin’s sexual life happening right in front of his eyes. It was better when he had just heard about it, and didn’t have to see it. He should have known Jaemin would be coming tonight, after all, this was one of his best friends’ parties. Renjun’s gut wanted to twist its way out of his own body, and he didn’t like the sight at all. Deep inside, Renjun probably could figure out why he felt this way but he will  _ never _ , ever come to terms with it. He would rather die than admit that he felt  _ jealous _ , but even if he didn’t want to admit it, his feelings, thoughts, and actions revealed everything to the point where Renjun’s eyes say it without even having to use words. 

_ You know what, fuck the limit _ Renjun thought to himself as he looked back down at his cup. To wash away the dreadful feeling inside of him, Renjun raised his plastic cup to his lips and began chugging down the burning, disgustingly sweet alcohol as if it was his life source. He pretended it tasted good until the flavor settled on his tongue and it did actually start to taste good. Around him, people began noticing the small,  _ gorgeous _ boy not taking a breath as he downed the concoction, and recognized him as today’s tennis rookie champion. Renjun could hear shouts of  _ Ayyyy! Look, it’s Renjun.  _ From a variety of people And chants of  _ chug chug chug _ mixed in with some yells of approval amidst the blaring music. It only encourage him to tilt the cup back even further, earing whoops. He felt the last drop go down his throat and Renjun yelled in self-delight while throwing the empty cup onto the floor dramatically.

By this point, he had a small crowd, but there was only one person whose eyes he wanted on him. Na Jaemin. And Renjun was successful, for when he turned, Jaemin had already had his lips off of the girl’s neck who still had her hands wrapped around his neck, and the two boys made eye contact. Renjun’s chest was heaving, having not taken a breath since he started chugging. He wasn’t going to push away his revenge fantasy any longer, not when he had the excuse of  _ oh, i’m drunk _ . 

Renjun smirked.  _ Time to turn the tables around _ . 

Looking back into the party, Renjun spotted Lee Jeno still over at the cup pong table and he yelled out as loud as he could so that everyone who cared to listen could hear. 

“Lee Jeno!” Renjun yelled out. 

The boy in question, who looked so incredibly handsome in his muscle tank top and messily styled up hair, looked over to the loud call of his name and upon spotting Huang Renjun, he hollered back, surprised that the boy had even came to the party. But even more surprised at just how  _ delicious _ Renjun looked, with his shirt hanging loosely off showing  _ so _ much smooth skin and pretty pink lips. The thin chain around his neck sold the deal, and Jeno was hooked on the sight. 

Renjun yelled out again to him, people wondering what the commotion was, “How about I repay you for that good luck kiss you gave me earlier?” 

Lee Jeno could only say he was shocked and confused, and as the pretty boy quickly made his way over to the cup pong table, all eyes on him, Jeno could only mutter out a shocked, “wha-’ before suddenly, Renjun threw his arms around Jeno’s neck, pressing his own body up against Jeno’s muscular one, and roughly, but so  _ satisfyingly _ , kissed him. Renjun could hear a roar of approval around him, and if he were honest, Renjun did not why he was doing what he was doing. It was under the ruse that he was repaying Jeno for his ‘good luck kiss’ earlier at the Tennis match, but Renjun knew that deep inside he wanted to provoke a feeling out of someone. 

All he knows is that he wanted Jaemin to see this, for  _ a reason he didn’t want to admit _ . He wanted Na Jaemin to see this and he wanted Jaemin to feel what Renjun felt, knowing that it was more likely that Jaemin didn’t actually care. He suddenly felt bad for using Jeno like this, and instead of thinking about the pink-haired boy who breaks his heart a little too often, Renjun let himself enjoy the kiss with Jeno, deepening it with every second, hands twisting all in Jeno’s hair while the boy in question roughly reciprocated with his own hands grabbing aggressively at Renjun’s waist, rubbing alongside his back. Jeno’s lips moved in a rough manner, but with an expertise that Renjun enjoyed. Renjun’s back was pressed against the side of the cup pong table and Jeno was not afraid to move his lips down to the side of Renjun’s pretty, slender neck, making the boy hold on desperately to his broad shoulders. 

Eyes hooded and lips swell and wet, Renjun let out a small moan and it could be seen on his face. “Fuck, Renjun,” Jeno whispered against his ear, hands grabbing on Renjun’s body as if desperate. 

Renjun gently pushed Jeno’s body away then, almost regretfully as the boy was  _ very _ good with his mouth, and smiled lazily up at his friend, “There’s my good luck charm to you. Now go win some pong.” He said as he made his leave, leaving a stunned Jeno behind. 

Jeno blamed the smaller boy’s action on the alcohol that he could taste in his lips while they were kissing, still so incredibly sweet and delicious, but that only explains Renjun’s side of the action. It didn’t explain why Jeno’s heart was beating faster than it ever usually does, despite there being barely any alcohol in his own system. 

Renjun made a move to join his friends where everyone was dancing, a large crowd beginning to gather up as the song changed into one that everyone knew the lyrics of. As soon as he reached them, nestled deep within the crowd, he could see Mark yell  _ Let’s fucking party _ before flipping a switch on that turned on all of the lights into rapidly changing blue strobe lights, flashing a bright neon blue every frame and leaving the house pitch black every other frame. It was like watching the world around them as a stop motion film, everything seeming to happen so fast and so slow at the same time. 

He could see his friends dancing under a bright blue light one second and see nothing the next, and when he looked again, they were there. It barely felt real. But if one thing was constant, it was the music. Loud, hot, and prompting him to dance. Renjun chanted along with the crowd whenever a memorable line would come up, and he’d sway his hips and feel his body up and do anything that the music prompted him to do. He allowed the music carry him away. He felt Donghyuck, Kun, and Chenle’s bodies up against his own and he didn’t shy away from it. Instead, he let himself move with his friends, all of whom were not shy to get intensely into it. Besides, everyone else was doing it too. 

But amidst the neon strobes, it became harder to distinguish where he was. One moment, he could see his friends. Another, he was still dancing, but he was somewhere else. Being in such a tight, almost-claustrophobic crowd meant everyone being pushed around everywhere. He was here. And then he was there. Against other people. He didn’t care who: boys, girls, strangers, friends. Everytime the light strobed, it was someone else. He was pushed further along the crowd, until his depth perception was gone and for all he knew, he would be dancing like this forever. For eternity, and he didn’t mind. Renjun could feel the heat from everyone’s body and he didn’t care. 

Again, he didn’t care who he was dancing near: blondes turns into brunettes, brunettes turn into raven black hair, and raven black hair turns into artificial green. And then artificial green turns into

Light pink. 

Na Jaemin. 

Suddenly, he was awfully close to the taller boy, suffocated in his presence but Renjun couldn’t find himself getting away. They had been pushed together by accident within the crowd, but this time, Jaemin was not with some girl. No, he was right here. In his partially unbuttoned top and well put together pants and  _ face _ , all for the taking. The neon blue light would vibrantly make Jaemin’s hair almost glow and with every frame that the light switches, Renjun could feel himself getting closer. He let the excuse be that they were just partying. The music was so loud that the lyrics were barely listenable, but the beat, on the contrary, was clear as day. He felt the strong bass with his entire soul as it rumbled through the house, and moved his body against Jaemin’s own. Renjun didn’t know when his hands went up to Jaemin’s strong shoulders, but he felt the response when the boy snaked his arms around Renjun’s waist, moving his body closer as they moved together to the music. Renjun longed for the flashes of neon, just so he could see Jaemin’s face. 

They were dancing so incredibly close that as Renjun moved, he could almost feel Jaemin’s breath against his own. Their breathing mingled together seductively and teasingly until Renjun felt the temptation of the forbidden fruit he wasn’t supposed to indulge in. He was  _ so _ incredibly close. Renjun could feel the heat radiating from Jaemin’s body and a part of his head wanted to utilize that heat in another way. They were so close, noses almost touching as they dance almost sensually. 

And then, something clicked in Renjun’s brain, saying that he  _ needed _ to get away before this gets  _ worse _ . And Renjun pulled away, weaving his path through the crowd of sweaty dancers until he reached the kitchen. He hadn’t even realized how far into the crowd he had been pushed until he had to excruciatingly make his way through a whole bunch of people. In the kitchen, the intensity of the music was still there, but it was a bit less in his eardrum now so that he could finally hear just how loud and fast his heart was beating. It was way less hot now than it was back there. A bead of sweat ran down the back of his shirt, which was threatening to fall off his body any second now. 

Just as Renjun made it to the kitchen, where normal lights were turned on instead, he was quickly turned around and before he knew it, Renjun was lifted up from his thighs and set down on the kitchen island: the cold marble contrasting with the heat of his warm thighs. And then strong arms situated themselves on either side of him, essentially locking Renjun in place. Jaemin had followed right behind him as he left, and Renjun cursed inside, seeing how his heart rate was not slowing down any. If not, it was speeding up even more. 

His breathing was heavy, and from the looks of it, Jaemin’s was too. The boy looked at Renjun, bringing his forehead to rest against Renjun’s own, but not tearing his eyes off of the smaller the entire time. Renjun couldn’t find himself the will to move, but instead leaned against it also, letting both of their breathing calm down. 

“What are you playing at, Renjun,” Jaemin spoke, almost in a growl that made Renjun’s knees go weak. 

He looked over to the side, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just having fun.” He breathed out, “You want to pour me a drink?” 

Jaemin pushed himself back and ran his fingers through his hair, almost frustrated. That or frustratingly hot, “Stop acting like you don’t know what you’re doing, Renjun.” 

Renjun hopped down from the counter, giving Jaemin a shove. Jaemin’s body barely moved at the push, “Doing what?” Renjun turned his head over a couple feet away to where some people were doing body shots, “If you won’t pour me a drink, I’ll just do it myself.” 

Renjun walked the short distance over and before a girl with bright green highlights in her bleached blonde hair was going to take a shot off of some guy’s toned torso, Renjun enthusiastically asked if he could do it instead. The girl laughed, saying, “Only if you’re the next person to get body shots off of.” 

“Deal,” Renjun said before reaching down, hands behind his back, and wrapping the shot glass that was laying on the guy’s stomach and quickly removing it, tilting his head back and swallowing the hard liquor as fast as he had picked it up. A couple people around him cheered.

The guy climbed off of the table and Renjun hoisted himself on to replace him. 

He was still sitting when the green-highlights girl looked over to where someone was approaching and exclaimed, “Jaemin!”

Jaemin gave her a dazzling smile before gesturing in Renjun’s direction, “May I?” 

She nodded enthusiastically, urging him to go head, and Jaemin turned his gaze towards Renjun. Jaemin tongued his own cheek as he walked over, and Renjun laid himself down, not knowing why he was going through with this.  _ This....is why I haven’t gone to a party since moving here.  _ Renjun was like this back in Yangyanggan too, but at least then, he had Winwin to be the socially responsible friend who would keep him from acting too incredibly dumb. But here, he had no socially responsible friends who would stop him from doing shit like this, definitely not Donghyuck, Chenle, or Kun, . If anything, they’d encourage him. But he laid himself down, hands above his head as Na Jaemin made his way closer.

Jaemin looked down Renjun. Jaemin’s hands resting on one side of the table and head tilted to the side so that he could look Huang Renjun straight in the eye. The smaller boy wanted to look away from the overwhelming gaze, but couldn’t. He saw fire in his eyes. Then Jaemin brought his hand over and slowly peeled back some of Renjun’s already incredibly loose shirt, further exposing a milky, smooth stretch of skin in his chest or collar area. Such a beautiful sight. Renjun accidentally shivered at the touch, and he regretted it instantly the moment he saw Jaemin’s lips turn upwards into a smirk. 

“Two can play games, Renjun,” He said as he reached over to pour a shot into the glass before placing it right on Renjun’s newly exposed skin. Renjun gulped as he could only see Jaemin’s sharp and contoured jaw reaching down to expertly pick up the shot with his mouth. It took him no effort at all, and then he tilted his head back, downing the liquid. The group of people behind him applauded again. 

Jaemin, without another look in Renjun’s direction, removed the shot glass from his mouth and roughly slid it over to the counter where the rest of them were placed and wordlessly walked away. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Renjun wanted  _ it _ . He couldn’t have it with the person he wanted it with, but anyone who was good looking enough and was nice enough will do. It was only in moments like this, when he was drunk out of his mind, that Renjun would face the facts and admit that the person he wanted  _ it  _ with, ‘it’ being sex, ‘it’ being cute dates out on the water during sunset, ‘it’ being nights staring up at the stars making up constellations together, ‘it’ being a couple children with the hot athlete in the future, was Jaemin. But if Renjun, even drunk-Renjun, lets himself think about that too much then he’ll want to cry. So for the time being, with the tiniest amount of thinking that Renjun’s vodka ridden brain can do, ‘it’ refers to sex and only sex. There’s no harm in admitting that, right? Yes, yes, ‘it’ refers to sex only. 

And it refers to the handsome stranger with him at the moment, whose name he can’t remember, and whose hands led him up to an empty bedroom somewhere in Mark Lee’s house. Renjun was not sure how many cups of mysterious alcohol his friends and then their friends kept on pouring for him until this dark haired, handsome stranger approached him. But when he did, Renjun was out of his mind enough to shamelessly flirt. The stranger looked to have had a few drinks himself too, for his cheeks were flushed red and he laughed at everything Renjun said, even when it wasn’t funny. 

Both of them drunk and laughing. He had flirted with everything he’s got until it all sounded stupid and maybe a little bit slurred. He wouldn’t have known the difference, but it seemed like the stranger didn’t mind. Instead, he got closer, thumb running circles along the back of Renjun’s hand. Renjun did not remember what had been so funny, but he found himself giggling to himself, leaning his head against the stranger’s shoulder. Before he knew it, lips upon lips, hands over body and body over hands, and he was in this bedroom, with gray walls and bright lights. Renjun wanted to speak and tell the stranger to turn the lights down low, but his words could barely form a coherent speech. 

Instead, he felt fingers unbuttoning his pants, but Renjun was still thinking about if aliens existed, and then about how handsome the stranger was, and then about the physics of toenails, and then Na Jaemin, and then of the handsome stranger again. And then whether OJ Simpson actually did kill his wife. And then the handsome stranger again. And then Na Jaemin again.

And it was almost like he had spoken the person into existence, because just as he was laying there, propped up on his elbows, a key rattled in the lock and within a minute, someone had opened the door quite loudly and made their way to the bed. It was quite a commotion and Renjun made himself sit up slightly, propping himself up on his elbows. The handsome stranger had stumbled off the bed at the sudden intrusion, picking himself up to a stand. Renjun looked over to see two people who just came in, but he could only notice one of them. Even in his drunken state, jittery feelings filled his stomach.

‘ _ Nana _ ’ Renjun excitedly giggled. 

“Get the fuck out, Chaewoo,” Jaemin snarled to the handsome stranger, “Renjun’s clearly drunk out of his mind. What the fuck do you think you’re doing”

“Chaewoo doesn’t seem too far from it either, Jaemin,” Another voice sounded behind him, Mark Lee, who was trying to curb the heat he could feel radiating from Jaemin’s voice. He felt bad for Chaewoo, who, albeit was not as drunk as Renjun was obviously, was heading there. Give or take another drink or two, “Both of them are pretty drunk.” 

Jaemin ignored his friend, instead coming over to Renjun, who was just laying on the bed. Sighing, Mark walked over to help Chaewoo, who was stumbling a bit himself, out of the room and back down the stairs.

  
  


Renjun laid back and looked up at the ceiling lights. So bright they hurt his eyes. He frowned to himself. Was this what heaven looked like? He could barely register anything as it was happening, but he felt fingers closing his pants up again, a familiar hand going up to gently hold his cheek and asking him if he was okay, and then before he knew it, his weight was lifted off the bed in one fluid motion. He felt like he was flying, so light like clouds.

Jaemin carried him as if he weighed nothing at all, the boy draped across his arms and face buried against the nook of Jaemin’s neck. Renjun further intoxicated himself with Jaemin’s scent, which he had been denying himself for so long but right now, in his impaired mind, he had no shame in wanting to smell that for the rest of his life. Renjun felt himself be carried downstairs and the music was suddenly too loud for his sensitive ears and he cried out in pain. Jaemin carried him through the back door where there was less people and around the side, out to the front, out of consideration that Renjun probably wouldn’t like everyone to know he had gotten himself completely wasted. 

When they had gotten to where Jaemin’s Jaguar XF was parked, the music had almost completely disappeared behind them. The only thing illuminating Renjun’s face was the streetlamp, casting both of them in an orange glow. The entire time, the smaller boy had been complaining about how he could take care of himself, albeit it would take a good while for him to form that sentence. 

“But,” Renjun started tapping on Jaemin’s shoulder, “Chen...Le. And Dong..yucky. Kun.” 

“It’s okay. They know I’m taking you home,” Jaemin said softly as he opened the car door with his foot, “They’re the ones that mentioned to me how much you drank.” 

“Traitors,” Renjun muttered, “So they’re the ones...who told you to go get me.”

Jaemin shook his head, “They didn’t tell me to do anything, Renjun.”

He gently set the smaller boy down into the seat. 

Just as he did, something had fallen out of Renjun’s back pocket. After buckling Renjun in, Na Jaemin leaned down to pick it up. A rubber. He stared at it for a moment, for a moment too long, and then looked over at Renjun, whose eyes seemed to be less hazy. Jaemin held up the condom he had picked up, “I thought you didn’t need to use this?”

“ _ I  _ don’t,” Renjun said, dragging out the “I”. His words a little bit quicker to form now but still not quick enough, “I was going to let someone use it on  _ me _ .” Jaemin had figured that much. He wasn’t sure why he had asked, or why he tossed the condom so roughly back to his drunk friend before coming around to the driver’s seat. As he walked around the car, Jaemin shook his head to get unwanted thoughts out of his mind.

As he began driving, with the low hum of the engine out on the quiet streets of 1 A.M. Sokcho, Jaemin could feel eyes bearing into the side of his head. Without looking over, he asked, “What is it?” 

Renjun smiled at the acknowledgement, head leaned over to the side to get a good look at Na Jaemin in all of his glory. Then he dilly dallied his fingers, slowly across the middle part of the car, until his fingertips ran along the inside of Jaemin’s muscular thighs, “Why is it that…” Renjun spoke slowly, formulating his rugged thoughts, and Jaemin took a deep breath. “...you’re allowed to fuck around..” Jaemin kept his eyes on the road, trying to ignore the feeling he was getting as Renjun slowly explored with his hands. Renjun continued, “...and I can’t…”

“Renjun.” Jaemin’s voice came out as a bit of a low growl.

The boy in question didn’t stop, “It’s not...fair,” He said, voice beginning to become more stabilized and it shocks Jaemin because it shouldn’t be this fast, “I...deserve some...compensation.” 

“Renjun, you were drun-” Jaemin’s voice got caught in his throat and he cursed, “Fuck, Renjun.” The boy had his hands, his beautiful hands, massaging over Jaemin’s clothed cock, evoking adverse feelings in his groin with every touch as he tried to drive straight. He barely had alcohol tonight aside from that one shot, so this feeling in his body was  _ all _ Renjun’s doing. 

Jaemin suddenly found himself out of breath and unable to speak, even surprising himself because he had  _ never _ prior to this felt shell shocked from a person trying to seduce him. 

Jaemin took a hold of Renjun’s wrist and put them back in Renjun’s own lap, to which the boy whined. 

Jaemin cleared his throat and his mind, “I don’t care who you fuck, Renjun.” He didn’t know why it was a bit hard for him to put that sentence out there, “As long as you’re not wasted as shit and you don’t know what you’re doing.” 

“You don’t care?” Renjun raised an eyebrow, head resting back on the leather seats, he played around with some buttons on Jaemin’s monitor nonchalantly, “Even Jeno?” 

Jaemin didn’t even realize he was snapped until after he said it, “Not him.” 

“What if I want him to?” Renjun was lying, but at this point he knew he was playing with fire, but he had the benefit of not caring enough to stop himself.

The pink haired casanova sighed, feeling an uncomfortable tug in his chest, “Then...I can’t stop you, Renjun. You know what you want.” 

Jaemin stayed silent after that, keeping his eyes on the road in order to not miss any turns as he ventured into Renjun’s neighborhood with the weird roads. He hadn’t even realized he was gripping his steering wheel a little too tight until he let his hands go of it as they pulled up in front of Renjun’s home. There were no cars home. It seemed empty, and Jaemin’s mind flashed back to the summer nights when while bobbing on the water, Renjun would tell him about his family’s frequent trips to  _ anywhere _ but home, and he felt a little pinch in his chest when he looked over at the boy and realized that Renjun would never tell him something like that nowadays. He reached over and fished for house keys in Renjun’s pockets. 

  
  


As he hoisted Renjun back into his arms and they walked towards the house, Jaemin could hear a soft voice, so soft he almost didn’t hear it. 

“I hate you, you know.” 

He chuckled lightly, “I know.”

In the crook of Jaemin’s neck, Renjun spoke again, “I hate the way you make me feel.”

Jaemin stopped right before the door, looking down at his old friend, “And what might that be.” 

It took a moment for Renjun to reply, and to Jaemin, for some reason that he couldn’t pinpoint, it felt like an eternity.

“Helpless.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay im sorry but there will probably be 2 more  
>  chapters instead of one bc I'm already past 10k for the 'last' chapter
> 
> anyways, thank you so much for all of the feedback <3 i appreciate every single one of them  
> and I read every single comment. And it makes me really  
> happy that you guys like the story!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 16,765 word chapter ahead,  
> and 1 more chapter until completed  
> (this time for real)  
> im so sorry i get  
> carried away

  
  


The sun streamed directly across the blinds and into his closed eyelids. Instead of black darkness, the only condition Renjun could sleep in, there was orange everywhere. He groaned, head pounding like crazy. His throat felt dry and his body felt like he was carrying two of himself on his back. He opened his eyes then closed them immediately, feeling the pain of direct sunlight into his undiluted pupils. Renjun rolled over and dug his face into the pillow, wanting to go back in and sleep away the headache but he knew it was fruitless. Now that he was awake and feels the excruciating pain, it would be impossible to make himself go back to sleep. There was a slight ringing in his ear, almost as if his eardrums were still recovering from the loudness of the music last night. 

Renjun shot up from his bed, eyes now wide open. _Last night_ . “Fuck” _Jaemin. Vodka. Jeno. Dancing. Then Jaemin again. More dancing. Body shots. Drinks. Lots of drinks. Lots and lots of drinks. Handsome stranger. Kissing. Groping. Bedroom._ “Fuck, fuck, fuck” _Jaemin. Mark. Jaemin had to fucking button up his pants for him again._ Renjun cringed to himself in a panic. _Being carried all the way down the street to Jaemin’s Jaguar._

Renjun chewed on his fingernails while looking off into the distance of his room concerned, _The condom. Oh my god, the condom fell out of my pocket. Driving to my house._

Renjun’s hands were shaking out of embarrasment now, _Oh my fucking god. I kneaded and groped Jaemin’s dick through his pants while he was driving._

He tried pulling out his own hair. _Carried out of the car. In Jaemin’s arms. He carried me to the door. I fucking confessed he made me helpless. He takes me inside with my keys. Up to my bedroom. I fucking try flirting with him when we get up there. He puts me in bed. Tries to leave._ Renjun wished he could have ended at that. _I hold him back. He stays._

And that was the last part that Renjun had remembered. He must have blacked out after that, but regardless, he had done enough last night to bring him a lifetime’s worth of shame. Renjun laid back on his bed and kicked at the air. He vowed to always be the designated sober friend from this point forward. 

Na Jaemin must have left sometime after Renjun had blacked out, for he was nowhere in the room. Instead, on the nightstand adjacent to Renjun’s bed, he finds a glass of water, a couple pills, and a note giving directions on what to take first and so on. Renjun takes his advice and finds himself extremely grateful despite the embarrassment he still felt. He hated that he had to burden Jaemin with having to take care of him like he was a child last night. But why Jaemin. Why couldn’t it have been Donghyuck, or Chenle, or Kun, or literally anyone else? It would have made thanking them a whole lot easier if that had been the case. But no, it was Jaemin. It was _always_ Jaemin. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Renjun had contemplated going back home for a good five minutes now, pacing back and forth on the street right across from Jaemin’s own. He knew where the boy lived from pestering Jisung on the phone about it. It had taken him 30 minutes to walk there. Although Renjun had a nice car sitting at home in his garage, he walked so that he could have time to think. And also because he sucks at driving on narrow streets. In his hands, Renjun held a small gift for Jaemin as a thank you for taking care of him last night. Thinking about it still gave Renjun shivers of embarrassment and horror. He knew that he had to thank the other at some point or another, so he might as well get it over with. But the cringe that he felt within himself was holding him back from actually going to see Jaemin. Instead, Renjun was deep in thought, biting his fingernails once more and pacing large circles back and forth in the middle of the sidewalk. “Aiii, Renjun, why did you have to go and make a fool of yourself.” He whined under his breath to himself. 

In his peripheral, Renjun cursed and turned around to hide himself. It was the man himself in all of his glory going on a morning run on the opposite street. To make matters even worse, Jaemin was wearing nothing but athletic shorts. No shirt, nothing on his torso except a small white towel and an unworn shirt draped around his shoulders as he jogged. Renjun’s breath caught in his throat. He had known Jaemin had a stunning body, mostly due to the fact that they swam together all summer, but it seemed as if Jaemin’s abs had gotten even more cut and defined since the last time he had seen him shirtless. Renjun had to make a split second decision quick before Jaemin passed him.

_Shit shit shit_ he muttered to himself before turning back around and frantically waved around in the air, trying to catch Jaemin’s attention. The boy seemed intensely focused on the path ahead of him, music playing through headphones. However, Renjun’s unmistakable yell and small figure started jogging up towards him, forcing the taller boy to look over. 

“Hey, Jaemin!” Renjun called out, jaywalking across the street. The boy in question slowed to a stop all the while taking out his headphones and he looked at Renjun in front of him. Sweat trailed down his neck and torso. Renjun had to stop himself from staring too long or too hard.

“Oh, Renjun.” Jaemin spoke tersely without much tone in his voice, “What are you doing here?” 

Renjun winced at the sound of Jaemin’s tone, or really, lack of one. It was as if the boy was inconvenienced by Renjun’s presence. Of course he’d act like this, Renjun thought. He had made a complete fool of himself the previous night. 

He looked anywhere but at Jaemin’s face, “I, uh, just wanted to say thank you for...taking care of me last night.” His voice got quiet and trailed off at the end. 

“Yeah it’s no problem,” Jaemin replied, looking past Renjun as if waiting for something, “Is that it?” 

Renjun gripped the gift in his hands tighter and tried to nonchalantly hide it behind his back. He saw Jaemin’s eyes flicker towards the movement, but it seemed like he wasn’t going to say anything, “Yeah.” Renjun never felt so shy before. 

“Okay, because I have to get back to training.” Jaemin said before moving aside to continue his jog. 

Renjun frowned, feeling an all too familiar prick in his chest. He had recognized the feeling before. It was hurt. Although he would understand how Jaemin would be upset over feeling burdened and the overall outlandishness of Renjun’s drunk behavior, it didn’t hurt any less to see Jaemin being a complete prick. _I haVe tO gET bAcK tO trAInINg_ , Renjun mocked in his head. _Bitch please, you were just running._

Renjun did not like that he was pouting, walking almost dejectedly back home. He should have brought his car, he thought to himself, that way he didn’t look like a pathetic loser sulking his way home with a gift that the recipient was too rude to even receive. It had taken 30 minutes to walk to Jaemin’s house, when it could have been a 5 minute drive. 

The sun was approaching its midpoint in the sky, and the peak hour heat beat down on Renjun. He must have fucked his body up last night, for the pills for his headache was already starting to wear off and he could feel the searing pain in his forehead again. It didn’t help that there was nothing in Renjun’s stomach. He had not eaten when he woke up, having forgotten he needed to do that to replenish his energy. Renjun winced, swatting at his head with the gift as if it would knock the ache out of it. His other hand shielded his eyes away from the sun, which had been making his headache worse by the moment. It didn’t help his case that his throat was feeling incredibly dry and his body was feeling the exhaustion creep up. 

“Hey cutie!” Some random man on the street approached Renjun. He looked to be in his late twenties but still living in his parent’s basement. Renjun cringed looking at him. Who actually thinks they can pick up random 18 year olds on the street acting like that. Renjun ignored the man, focusing instead on making his way home so that he could rest. His body slouched over, and Renjun rubbed at his eyes. 

He jumped all of a sudden, eyes wide, at sudden contact. The stranger had actually not taken his hint and ran over to him anyways, draping an uncomfortable arm across Renjun’s small shoulders which already felt as if they were going to collapse. Renjun hadn’t even noticed the man approaching.

The boy pushed the man off, yelling at him to get the fuck away. His voice came out weaker than he intended it to, and Renjun tried to muster up the energy again. “I will fucking kick your ass. Don’t think that because I’m small, I can’t fuck you up.” Renjun bluffed, knowing full well that Renjun was currently in no state to defend himself. He had just hoped his offstandish, repulsed demeanor will make the man back off. He didn’t. 

Instead, the man went up to Renjun again, grabbing onto Renjun’s wrist tightly, trying to pull him close. Renjun shrieked. It was broad daylight and obviously he had been shooting up drugs simply from the track mark on his arms. The boy quickly brought a knee up to the man’s groin, sending him backwards and to the ground groaning in pain. Renjun then tried to run his way out of there with the incredibly low amount of energy he had, but he had failed to hear the footsteps right behind him. 

And when he did, it was too late, as Renjun was violently whipped around and a hand with _incredibly_ dirty and sharp fingernails slapped him so hard across the face, it brought him to the ground. Renjun cursed as his hand hit the stinging asphalt to break his fall, and he looked up at the man, one hand holding his cheek where it was red and burning. Renjun could feel some trickles of blood, most likely from the sharpness of the man’s fingernails as he had struck Renjun. _Fuck_. 

The man was quite upset, but Renjun was even angrier. He wasn’t going to back down.

But, as it turns out, he didn’t need to. Huang Renjun, still on the ground in a sitting position clutching his face, was ready to pick himself up and throw another hit at the stranger, but before he could, his view was blocked. Block by someone tall, with a muscular build and signature hair color that Renjun was all too familiar with. _My fucking God,_ Renjun thought to himself, _Is my life a movie? My life has to be a fucking movie._ Renjun was too busy thinking about the oddity of the situation, the chances of it happening, that he had barely even registered the sound of punches being thrown and loud yelling. Well, he could hear the loud yelling, but it was getting hard to understand what they were saying. 

Renjun’s ear rung and his sight would fluctuate between overly sharp to concerningly hazy. He had to squint his eyes to see that the stranger had stumbled backwards, walking away briskly while still yelling profanities at Na Jaemin who had, of course he had to, come to his rescue. Jaemin yelled them back. Renjun picked himself up off the asphalt, world spinning around him and the sun’s heat and brightness making him extremely tired. He imagined his bed. How soft the comforters were and the abundance of pillows that encased him when he went to sleep. He thought of the moomin plushie that he’s had for so long that he just keeps it with him on the bed, and how it felt to climb into a cold bed after a long day and waking up to a warm one. 

He was only shaken back to reality when he felt hands on either one of his shoulders, shaking him gently. The hands then moved up to either side of Renjun’s face, and Renjun’s eyes came back into focus and for a moment, his hearing did too. 

In front of him was the beautiful boy that had plagued his thoughts ever since they had met, whose eyes now where brimming with panic and concern as he looked down on Renjun’s fatigued figure and his hands which were now wiping away a bit of blood. It wasn’t anything too intense, but still enough to leave a scar that would last a couple weeks. Renjun heard him speak, “Renjun…” His voice was frantic, “Renjun-ah, listen to me.” “Listen to me, are you okay? Are you alright?” 

Renjun found the strength to push himself away from the intense hold of the taller boy, who had slipped on a tank top now contrary to his shirtlessness before. He slapped Jaemin’s hands away, “I’m fine. I’m not a fucking weakling who needs your help. I can take care of m…” Suddenly his vision began to oscillate between blur and clearness, back and forth all within a matter of seconds. One moment he could see every crease on Jaemin’s eyebrow and the next all he could make out of the boy was a vague outline. His hearing began to fade out again also, for slowly, statements of concerns started to turn into faded murmurs. It was only when the ground started spinning that Renjun knew what was happening. By then, it had been too late.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


He woke up in an unfamiliar room. The only light filtering in were the hazy streams of the 5PM sun, casting an orange-red glow in the room. A large room, but it still seemed lived in with the clothes scattered here and there on the floor, picture frames badly hung, a gaming area set up with a couch, and so many trophies that the stand seemed on the verge of collapse. 

Across the room was a large mirror facing the bed, and sitting up amidst the ocean of deep red comforters, Renjun could see his hair sticking out in all sorts of places and he pats it down. His face had two cuts across his cheek, but they had stopped bleeding and seemed to be cleaned up. On the nightstand, once more there were pills, water, and a tray of fresh fruit. He reached over, head still hurting, and indulged himself in these. The water soothed the dry cracknes of his throat, the fruit helping him curb his hunger a little bit. 

Once again, he had burdened Jaemin with having to take care of him. He thought about it. The boy must have carried him the 15 minute walk back to Jaemin’s home, and Renjun groaned to himself at how much of a nuisance he must have been. He suddenly understood why Jaemin was being so curt with him. Not only did he ruin the party for Jaemin last night by making him help out, but now he had ruined Jaemin’s run and is taking up space in his bed. The boy was nowhere to be seen in the room, and Renjun was grateful for that. He wouldn’t know what to say besides a brisk thank you. 

He slipped off the covers and looked around for the blue-paper wrapped gift he had hoped he didn’t drop. It would make it even more uncomfortable of a situation if Jaemin had found it and uncovered it himself. It was nowhere in the room, and Renjun cursed. 

Sighing dejectedly, he briskly made his way to the door of the bedroom, heading to leave. He didn’t make it far before he bumped into a strong chest and stumbled backwards a little bit. Renjun looked up at Jaemin. The boy had just gotten out of the shower, as evident of his partially towel dried hair. He had a lazy Sunday outfit on, a plain shirt with a pair of shorts. 

“Where were you going?” He asked, hands going up to brush some fringes out of Renjun’s eyes. 

Renjun looked anywhere but Jaemin himself, “Home. Thank you for taking care of me. I’m really sorry for burdening you. You won’t have to do it again,” Renjun had said professionally before attempting to shove the stronger boy away. 

“Right...no,” Jaemin replied, before blocking Renjun’s path. Renjun pushed at him some more, “You’re not leaving until we get actual food in your stomach.” 

“Get away,” Renjun complained, pushing at Jaemin’s shoulders as if it were going to do anything, “You don’t even want me here. So let me leave.”

Before Renjun could push again, Jaemin swooped down and lifted the small boy across his shoulders, emitting a small scream from the other. Renjun yelled, “I’m a man, you know. You need to treat me like a man!” Jaemin kicked the door closed behind him as he made his way back over to the bed, Renjun still flaying around on his shoulder and plopped him down. 

“You know, this is technically holding me hostage.” 

Jaemin pouted, “You don’t want to spend time with me?” 

Renjun kicked him in the shin, “Quite frankly, no. And from your behavior this morning, it seems like you feel the same way.” 

At that Jaemin stayed silent. They held a couple beats of silence like that, Jaemin looking too deeply at Renjun’s face. Renjun not being able to do the same. His neck felt flushed under the intense scrutiny. Finally, he heard a sigh and Jaemin sat down on the bed next to him. 

“I’m sorry for this morning,” He said slowly. Renjun looked over at him with wide eyes, he had definitely not been expecting an apology, “I was acting that way because I didn’t know how else to act.”

“What do you mean.”

Jaemin turned to look at him now, brows furrowed as if he was confused himself, “I don’t understand why I do the things I do when I’m with you. Why I keep wanting to be around you even though you make it clear you want nothing to do with me. Why I couldn’t drink, couldn’t fuck, couldn’t do anything last night because I was too distracted by you.” Jaemin breathed, “I keep asking myself why do I keep going out of my way like this for a friend who doesn’t even want to be around me.” 

Renjun bit his lip, not knowing what to make of his spiel. Renjun could tell him the truth. That he also wants to be around Jaemin all the fucking time even though he doesn’t want himself to. He drank, he made out with some stranger, he did what he did _so_ he could get distracted from Jaemin. But it was more than that. His heart sped up whenever the boy walked by, and it ached when he saw him with someone else. His nights were spent thinking of Jaemin and his days were too. 

The only difference is that Renjun understands why this happens. He had pushed the thought away for a while, refusing to acknowledge the horrible truth sitting in his chest. He had worked so hard to prevent it from happening, but it made it happen even faster seemingly. But he realized then that pushing the truth away doesn’t make it any less true. It won’t just go away if he thinks it’s not there. And the truth was, Renjun hated the thought of it, that he wanted Na Jaemin so badly. “Like” was too weak of a word, but “Love” was too terrifying of a word. All he knows is that he wants Jaemin to himself, the boy and all of his glory. He wanted picnics on the beach somewhere, watching the sun set in beautiful splatters of light. He wanted to hold his hand walking to an ice cream parlor, not afraid of being his next one-night stand. He wanted quiet whispers of affection and adoration in strange hours of the morning in his arms. He wanted it all. Realizing this made Renjun want to cry. 

Instead, he said to Jaemin, repeating the boy’s own words from what felt like centuries ago, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’ve developed feelings for me, Jaemin.” 

Jaemin laughed and it caused a pang in Renjun’s chest, “Well then, it’s a good thing you _do_ know better.”

Ouch. That hurt. What was Renjun expecting. He bit the inside of his own cheek, almost wanting to draw blood. His fingers played around with the sheets as they both sit there for a moment. 

Finally, Jaemin stood up and extended his hand over to Renjun, who looked up at him and then at the hand. He hesitated, not knowing what Jaemin was playing out. Here he was, sitting in front of someone who had all the power in the world to destroy him and to break his heart to pieces, and would definitely do so. If he takes the hand, then he falls harder. If he doesn’t take the hand, then...then...Renjun thought about it. If he doesn’t take the hand, then still, Renjun struggles to admit it, he will fall harder. Either way, the results end up being the same. 

So he takes the hand. 

Jaemin reached over to where a wireless speaker was, and pulled out his phone quickly to connect the bluetooth before putting on “California Dreamin’” by Jose Feliciano. The sound of the slow nostalgic, Western track that reminded him of autumn evenings where the leaves fell in colors of yellow, red, and brown mixed well with the ambience. Aside from the Golden hour evening sunlight coming in through the window, with a slight breeze billowing the thin red curtains, there was no other light, leaving the both of them in a dimly lit but nicely ambianced room. The music echoed across the walls and filled Renjun’s ears with its sweet sound. _All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey._ Feliciano sang, and Jaemin put his hands on Renjun’s waist, and tells Renjun to put his on his shoulders. _I’ve been for a walk. On a winter day._ They begin swaying, close with one another. Slowly but beautifully. _I’ll be safe and warm, if I was in LA. California Dreamin’ on a winter’s day._

“What are you doing,” Renjun breathed out, eyes imploring Jaemin’s own for answers as they danced around the room, avoiding soccer balls and clothes.

Jaemin smiled, twirling Renjun gently before resting his hands once more on the boy’s small waist, “Finishing our dance from last night.”

  
  
  


They sit on Jaemin’s balcony. He had taken an old mattress from the guest room that no one ever uses and laid it out there. The sun only had an afterglow left, leaving the sky a royal purple with the tiniest flashes of brilliant orange in the far distance where the ocean was. On the second floor of a hilled neighborhood, Sokcho lit up beneath them. The balcony offered sights of a good part of the city leading all the way up to the roaring seas. Blinking lights from the neon signs hanging above restaurants, karaoke, or convenience stores. Lights from fishing boats dotting the seas, looking like stars on the ocean. Children playing LED hacky sack on the streets. 

Their food had arrived by delivery and splayed out in front of them on the mattress. Two orders of black bean noodles, one large order of spicy rice cakes cooked with ramen and stringy cheese, two side orders of sesame seaweed rice rolls, and a plate of hot fried chicken. Renjun thought it was overkill, but he soon came to realize that in order to maintain his muscle mass while building on more, Jaemin _had_ to eat an incredible amount of food. Na Jaemin was constantly exerting energy that he had to be on top of his eating, evidently, for Renjun was full by the time Jaemin was halfway done. 

Jaemin was awfully comfortable for someone who just slow danced with a boy they apparently did not like romantically. Renjun sat crossed leg, listening to Jaemin’s stories and mindless rants. Like old times, except rather than on a boat they were in his house. Renjun never thought he’d ever be at Jaemin’s school, much less his house.

“Ah, I forgot,” Jaemin said and then got up from the mattress to go grab something in his room. When he came back out, Renjun wanted to jump up and snatch it away from his hands, “Were you looking for this earlier?”

Jaemin held up the blue-wrapped gift that Renjun had been planning to give him as a thanks. But now, he just felt weird about it. 

Renjun stretched his arms out towards it, “Yes, give it here.”

“But why?” Jaemin said smiling, “It has my name on it. See? Right here. To Jaemin.” He pointed at the writing on the paper.

Renjun huffed and then relented. He guesses that he might as well, since Jaemin had helped him twice now, “Okay fine, whatever. I had made you a small thank you gift for taking care of me, but I didn’t give it to you because you were an asshole earlier.”

Jaemin nodded, “I wholeheartedly agree and apologize for being an asshole earlier. Can I open it?”

Renjun rolled his eyes, “Well what else are you going to do? Leave it wrapped forever?”

Jaemin smiled before looking down, tearing the wrapping off the gift. When he took off all the baby blue wrapping, Jaemin took a long look at it. It was him. Or, well, a painting of him hand-painted with watercolors. Jaemin looked at it and remembered the scene well. It was during the summer, and they were anchored against a cliff on the waters. This cliff was particularly unique because along the sides of it, weird trees grew here and there. But the most beautiful tree that grew along the side of it was near the bottom. A beautiful white dogwood tree, with beautiful pink and white flowers that upheld the spring and ventured into summer. Its hung a few feet right above their heads and when the wind blew, it would scatter beautiful white petals on the ocean’s surface where they were docked. The portrait was of Jaemin, sitting on the boat underneath the tree on bobbing waters, arm outstretched in the air trying to catch the white petals as they would fall off the branches, a large smile on his face. Jaemin stared at the painting, awed by the talent but more touched than anything. 

He looked up at Renjun, who looked nervous anticipating Jaemin’s reaction.

Renjun spoke, “Back in Yangyanggan, in my art class, for a project I had to do a piece on friendship.” Renjun lied. It wasn’t friendship. His project was to do a piece on romance, “I decided to paint you. It won a district award and a 100 for a grade. It had been laying around my room, so I decided that you should have it.”

Jaemin smiled, “I don’t even know what to say, Renjun. It’s beautiful. This is the best thing I’ve ever received.” 

Renjun beamed brightly, it was all he needed to hear. It was all worth it, “Okay thank goodness, because I was about to make you brownies but the last time I made some, I put too much olive oil and it turned into chocolate soup.” 

“Well I’m glad you didn’t” Jaemin spoke, looking at Renjun curiously but with such appreciation that was undeniable in his expression, “This is perfect.”

Renjun couldn’t help but bite his lip to stop himself from smiling too hard. He shied under Jaemin’s intense gaze that he should have been used to by now, “Stop looking at me, I look hideous now.” He said, gesturing to the cuts on his face. To be honest, they were barely noticeable but since Renjun had to live with his face all day, every day, he noticed every single detail.

Jaemin shook his head, chuckling, “You could never look hideous, Renjun. Just think of them as battle scars. You can brag about getting into a fight and won.”

“But you were the one who actually made the asshole from earlier back off,” Renjun said with a thank you. 

“But no one has to know that, right?” Jaemin winked with a laugh, “You have to be more careful, by the way. The world is dangerous.”

“I know, _mom_ ,” Renjun sarcastically rolled his eyes, but he was nevertheless grateful for Jaemin’s concern.

  
  


Now that Renjun was here, he didn’t want to leave. It seemed Jaemin didn’t want him to either, because even when they had cleaned up their food, the pink hair boy made a spot for his head in Renjun’s lap, claiming he wanted to look at the stars. Renjun ran his fingers, raking through Jaemin’s soft hair, and told stories of his own. If either of them were to mention old times, which this awfully reminded them of, it would break the mood. So they didn’t. Instead, they dwelled in the present, laughing into the empty air at funny stories and laying a little too close for comfort. Renjun just hoped Jaemin couldn’t see how fast his heart was beating. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  


Renjun could definitely feel a change of atmosphere in his study period where he spent his days with Jeno. Suddenly, instead of coming in excited and talkative, Jeno was quieter than usual, as if he was in deep thought. Renjun had completely forgotten about their kiss at the party until he had stepped inside of the classroom, and he physically cringed to himself. Why had he done that, in front of _everyone_ . The only thing keeping him from feeling too bad was assuming that a kiss to Jeno was probably nothing compared to the attention Jeno usually gets from people. After exchanging brief hellos and settling down, Renjun tried to focus on his work. But it was _hard_. It was hard when a thick cloud of awkwardness hung in the air. They were like that for a while, only communicating when it was about the topic they were studying, but it slowly got unbearable. Especially after they finished what work they had to do for the day and there was nothing left to do but sit in silence, when usually they’d be talking about this and that. 

“Look, Jeno” Renjun said at the same time the boy in question spoke, “ Renjun.”

Jeno cleared his throat, “You go first.”

“I’m…” Renjun fidgeted with his sleeve at the awkwardness, “...sorry about kissing you the other night.” 

Jeno looked a bit disappointed, tapping his feet lightly, “Why are you sorry? Didn’t you say it was just for good luck?” 

“Right,” Renjun said, staring down at his feet.

Jeno leaned closer, hands clasp and forcing Renjun to look at him, “Unless...there was another reason why you kissed me.” 

Renjun stayed silent, biting the inside of his cheek, “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been thinking,” Jeno said, “I can’t blame you for not noticing. I know that me and my group of friends have...a bit of reputation. But don’t you get curious as to why I’m always flirting with you? Why I always want to talk to you? Why I’m still here every day even though I already picked up memory tricks to be self sufficient in history?”

Renjun was confused and he furrowed his eyebrows, “Jeno, your personality is just like that though.”

Jeno nodded as if he understood, “That’s what you assume. Which is why I don’t blame you for not noticing my feelings.”

Renjun hesitated on speaking, unsure what to make of the situation, “I don’t unders-”

Jeno interrupted with a confident, sure voice, “Renjun, you know I like you, right?

Renjun looked up, eyes shocked even though they shouldn’t have been. Jeno had given him all of the signs--the flirtatious remarks, the constant want to hang out, the stares that Renjun convinced himself was just Jeno staring off into space--and Renjun had completely made excuses for them. He didn’t know what to say back. Suddenly, he felt immense sorry for having kissed Jeno earlier. If Jeno was being genuine here, then his kiss at the party must have left him in such a state of confusion. Renjun felt like a horrible friend. In Jeno’s eyes, Renjun could sense certainty and a bit of pain. 

“Jeno…” Renjun softly spoke, “If I had known, I wouldn’t have ki-”

“I know,” Jeno affirmed, “I know you wouldn’t have. But you didn’t know. And that’s okay.”

They sit there in silence for a moment. Renjun taking it in, and Jeno holding something back on his tongue that he seemed like he wanted to say but didn’t. At least not yet. It was only when the silence got too long that Jeno finally said what was on his mind.

“I also know there’s something going on with you and Jaemin,” Jeno started, voice unwavering as if he’d accepted this for a while. Renjun opened his mouth to protest, but Jeno had already continued talking, “I _know_ you like him. I could tell by the way you look at him and by the way you look hurt when anyone says his name. Which is why…I also know you’re the person he kept seeing over the summer.” 

Renjun gaped, no one knew about that, “How did y-”

Jeno chuckled a bit dryly, “He’s one of my best friends, Renjun. You think I don’t notice when my best friend goes voluntarily missing the entire summer, heading towards the dock everyday like clockwork? You think I don’t notice that when he _is_ home, his mind is off somewhere else? We were all curious, but never asked. He stopped going MIA when school started again and we all forgot. But when you came here to Daejun High, the moment I started witnessing you two interact and hearing around the school that he kept meeting the transfer student down at the dock for a couple minutes every day, I knew it had to have been you.” 

Jeno wasn’t finished, “I originally came to you because...well yes, I need help in World History...but also because I wanted to know exactly who was the person who took up all of my friend’s time back in the summer. I just...didn’t expect myself to end up wanting you too.”

“ _Too_?” Renjun asked before shaking his head, “Jeno, he doesn’t like me.” 

Jeno nodded as if he made himself believe that too, “Right.” 

Renjun scooted closer to Jeno, his hand going up to lift the boy’s face, “Jeno, you’ve been so good to me. You…” Renjun didn’t like to say it, “You are the obvious choice, aren’t you.” 

“Then choose me,” Jeno affirmed, hand going up to keep Renjun’s own hand on his face. 

“I ca-”

“You can.” Jeno said with a frustrated tone, “You can. You just don’t want to.” 

Renjun looked down at his feet, although he was never one to shy away from a conversation. He couldn’t help but feel so incredibly guilty, for causing this much pain for someone he was sure didn’t like him back as Jeno would. 

He heard a sigh and then felt hands on his face, and once more, as Renjun looked up, Jeno landed a light kiss on his forehead. Renjun looked at the boy with sorry eyes, and in Jeno’s face he could see the same sense of sorriness. Renjun knew how much it hurt, considering he was in the same situation himself. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Jaemin comes that evening, but he looked more tired than usual. 

He hadn’t even changed, but instead jogged up to Renjun in his complete soccer attire. Shin Guards still on, Jersey, shorts, knee-length socks and everything. A sweatband was placed around his forehead, with his pink fringe of hair overhanging it. There were small dark circles underneath his eyes and his shoulders weren’t held as high as they usually were. Even then, Renjun found him impeccably attractive. They stood on the dock, ocean calm beside them. The boats were bobbing up and down in their ports steadily on smooth waters. Renjun had planned to ride to a nearby cove that day and eat dinner by himself while watching the sun set. He had packed himself a sandwich and a bag of chips and two waters, but upon seeing just how exhausted Jaemin looked when he jogged up to the smaller boy, Renjun reached into his bag and pulled out one of the waters, handing it to the soccer player. 

Jaemin gave a quick thanks and unscrewed the cap, gulping down the water as if he was going to collapse any moment now. 

“You look rough,” Renjun commented, eying the boy up and down to make it even more obvious. 

Jaemin managed a smile, “Coach really put my nerves on edge today. He kept telling me that the recruiters aren’t going to want me if I play like I don’t have passion.”

Renjun frowned as they walked side by side down the dock together, “I’ve seen you practice though. Passion seems like the last thing you lack.” 

Jaemin gave him a look of complete agreement and bewilderment, “I know right! I don’t know what he wants from me. At this point, I’m doing everything perfectly. So I ask him, right?”

“Right,” Renjun nodded, prodding Jaemin to go on.

“I ask him ‘Hey Coach, what am I doing wrong.’” Jaemin starts his recount, “And Coach says ‘There’s just something missing’ and I’m getting frustrated at this point because he literally will not give me a straight answer. So I ask him to elaborate. I ask him ‘What’s missing?’ And the son of a bitch says ‘I don’t know.’” Jaemin threw his hands in the air and repeated that last part, “Renjun, can you believe it? He tells me I have perfect technique and then tells me that there’s something wrong. What? If I have perfect technique, how can something be wrong?”

Jaemin finished up his charged rant, kicking at the air, and Renjun laughed out loud at the sight, “Calm down. You’re going to pop a blood vessel and then you _really_ won’t be able to play.”

The boy sighed with a pout and nodded in agreement, “Yeah, you’re right.”

And then he looked back up at Renjun, and brought a hand up to the boy’s face, thumbing at his soft cheek as the rest of his hand rests gently on Renjun’s nape. He felt his skin growing hot. “Anyways, enough about me. How’s your day been?”

Renjun bit his lip. Jaemin asked him as if he truly was curious, and not just as a passing question that didn’t actually hold much weight. He could have reached up to remove Jaemin’s hand from his face, but he didn’t. Instead, he acted as if it didn’t matter to him in the slightest. Renjun thought about it, “Honestly,” He looked down, “...not that great.”

Jaemin frowned, “Why? What’s wrong. Is someone bothering you? Let’s go fuck them up. I’ll help.” 

Renjun laughed and shook his head, “No. Trust me, you wouldn’t want to hurt this person. But, uhm,” Renjun felt awkward telling Jaemin this but alas, the pink haired boy had weaseled his way into Renjun’s life again whether he liked it or not, “My friend confessed to me. And, well, how do I make myself like a person, in that way?” Renjun stared off away from Jaemin. He asked because it would have done him good. It would do him good to choose Jeno because Jeno was Jeno. But, at the same time, Jaemin was _Jaemin_. His heart knew who he wanted, but his mind told him it was fucking dumb. And renjun agreed. It was fucking dumb. 

Jaemin stepped back and put his hands in the pocket of his shorts, pursing his lips and thought about it, “Renjun, you can’t make yourself like someone. You’re one of the smartest people I know. I’m sure you know this.”

Renjun sighed, knowing Jaemin was right, and then he asked the boy one more question, “Alright, then how do you make yourself _not_ like someone?” 

Jaemin also took a beat to answer this one, but when he did, he sounded sure, “You can’t.”

  
  
  
  


“So, can we go on a ride? For old time’s sake?” 

Renjun rolled his eyes for the thousandth time even though in his heart, it was getting harder to say it.

To say, “No, Jaemin.”

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


“So you’re saying Lee Jeno _and_ Na Jaemin are both trying to get you all boyfriend-up?” Kun whisper-screamed with wide eyes, all of them sitting in the library for lunch instead of the cafeteria today, trying to catch up on homework before their next class since all four of them completely forgot having gone out to eat late at night yesterday after Renjun had gotten home from his ride. 

The librarian shushed them, narrowing her eyes at the group of students. 

“Okay, first of all, only Jeno likes me.” Renjun corrected and he was about to continue before he was interrupted for the fiftieth time since he had begun telling the story originally to them.

“Oh please,” Donghyuck smacked Renjun on the side of his head lightly, “Na Jaemin doesn’t hang out with anyone the same way he ‘hangs out’ with you. Trust me, Renjun. This entire school had been keeping track with him the moment he hit puberty four years ago. Jaemin isn’t the type to spend his summer going boating of all things or eat dinner on his balcony with someone.”

“Or let someone borrow his lucky charm,” Chenle added, pointing at the leather bracelet on Renjun’s wrist, “Like Jesus Christ. The entire time I’ve known he existed, he has never taken that thing off. And now, he’s given it to Renjun to borrow.” 

Renjun shook his head, “Guys, I’m just a friend to him.”

Kun snorts, “A friend he likes to slow dance with, right.” 

The librarian shushed them again. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


When Jaemin came that evening, he looked even worse than the day before. And Renjun was becoming increasingly concerned. His tennis practice, on their worst days, didn’t even leave him in this state. The way Jaemin was walking lacked the confidence he usually had, and the bags underneath his eyes seemed only darker today. His hair was messy, but Renjun found it charming still. As Jaemin jogged towards Renjun, a smile began to grow on his face. Renjun smiled back but continued to worry. 

“Hey,” Jaemin then abruptly came up to him and wrapped his arms around Renjun’s waist, pulling the smaller boy in close, and Jaemin buried his head in the crook Renjun’s neck. He held Renjun tightly and melted into the boy, smelling the light and pretty cologne off of Renjun’s large grey hoodie. Jaemin was noticeably taller than Renjun, but his head and shoulders still felt comfortable as they lay on Renjun’s shoulder, face buried into his neck. 

Renjun was surprised. He was never one to be afraid of contact, and from the summer, Renjun had been more than close physically to Jaemin: laying on his arm, hooking elbows, Jaemin flirtatiously laying his hands on his waist. But this time, it was just a simple, intimate hug, but it felt more vulnerable than Renjun had ever seen him. Renjun’s hands didn’t know what to do, from the surprise. In the corner of his eyes, down the street from the dock, he could spot a group of girls sitting in the outdoor patio of a cafe pointing at them and pulling out their cameras. 

“Jaemin, your obsessed fangirls are watching,” Renjun whispered. 

“Let them,” Jaemin replied quickly, holding Renjun even tighter, making up for lost times when he didn’t hold Renjun like this, never having known it would feel this good to have the smaller boy in his arms. Renjun was his friend. Why did holding him feel so different. Hugging Jeno never felt like this. Hugging Mark or Jisung never felt like this. 

Renjun felt his heart thump and swell, sure that Jaemin could feel it through his chest, and he had to bit his lip to suppress a small smile as he finally hugged Jaemin back, arms looping around the taller boy’s neck. Renjun knew that Na Jaemin was going to be the death of him, that it was only a matter of time before his heart gets broken again. And this time, he might not recover. Especially not when said boy was holding him like this. 

When they pulled away, Jaemin still had his eyes closed, as if he was still savoring the moment. 

Renjun softly spoke, hand reaching up instinctively to brush stray pink hairs away from Jaemin’s face, “Jaemin, are you alright?” 

Jaemin opened his eyes, then nodded as if it was nothing, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just some soccer things, you know?” 

Renjun frowned, “What now?”

He shook his head, “Same thing. Only today it seemed a bit worse since I was already drained from yesterday. It’s messing with my vibe, Renjun.”

He laughed, “I can tell. You need to relax, Jaemin. Go get your favorite food, listen to nice music, take a bath with candles and shit.”

Jaemin lifted an eyebrow, “Will you be there?”

Renjun’s face tinted a light pink at the implication, “I’m serious. You need to take care of yourself.”

The boy smiled, “Are you worried for me?” 

Renjun bit his lip and played with his thumb under the sleeve of his hoodie, “Yeah, I am. Is that a problem?”

“Not at all,” Jaemin’s smile got wider and for a moment, he looked alright again, “Go on a ride with me, Renjun. For old time’s sa-”

“No.” This time, when Renjun turned around, he bit back feelings of stupidity for being so obvious and just _so_ gullible when it came to his feelings. That night, the ocean’s serenity couldn’t even distract him from his thoughts. 

  
  
  
  


* * *

The next couple of days went by in a blur. Daejun High definitely knew how to keep him busy, that was for sure. Huang Renjun had to alternate his afternoons between tennis practice, choir, and art club. Oftentimes, an hour or so of his evenings were spent doing some community service project. His free period that he shared with Jeno had become a lot less awkward now. Jeno had chosen to practically pretend his confession never happened, and went back to his normal self. If normal meant that Jeno amped up the flirtatiousness by a milestone and was overly close to Renjun at all times. At first, Renjun was wary, unsure how to get back to the way they were before. But Lee Jeno had a way with words that Renjun couldn’t help easily believing him when he says he’s not upset with it anymore. 

Despite the hecticness, he still always had time for a ride in the evening. Or more like, he always _made_ time. Recently, that was about the only time of the day Renjun was able to see Jaemin, not that he was counting. Jaemin in school was quieter than usual, either dozing off in class or intensely studying his materials. Any breaks in the day they had, Jaemin would head to the field in his school uniform, jacket, tie, and everything, and practice some kicks on the soccer field. 

When he came to the dock, the pink haired boy continuously looked worse every day, more tired, more defeated. It made the both of them nervous, especially knowing their next game was coming up around the corner. And that time, the recruiters from SNU will be there to watch. 

Renjun humored him when he came to the dock. Rather than rejecting his requests right away, he would pack an extra sandwich or buy some takeout for two and they’d sit there on the dock, right in front of where his boat was anchored, and eat together, legs dangling off the end right over the seas. Sometimes, Renjun would sit there with Jaemin talking and eating past the sunset, and it was only when Jaemin would remind him that he’d remember what he was even here for. 

Renjun noticed Jaemin had also not gone out with his friends for quite a bit also, which was strange in Renjun’s eyes and the eyes of the entire school because since when did Jaemin deny going out? The school seemed to be at an unease since this was unlike Jaemin. It was unlike him to stay back when Mark and his friends were going to go out to get a small drink --these were school nights after all--and go flirt with some girls or guys. It was unlike him to brush away a pretty and popular admirer when she would come up to him seducingly. And they found it awfully strange how Jaemin prefers to spend his time doing only two things as of recent: soccer practice, even when no one else was practicing, or spending time with a certain boy down at the dock. 

It was especially confusing to the school’s population because this had to be the first time Na Jaemin had ever spent _this_ long with someone as objectively gorgeous as Huang Renjun--even the prettiest girls and guys at Daejun High say he was--without doing anything with him. It was weird for Renjun to hear rumors about himself floating around the school. Not malicious ones, but it honestly makes him wonder who has the time. He would get approached here and there by giggling people telling him how cute they thought he and Jaemin were. Before Renjun could deny it, they’d already be making their way somewhere else. It didn’t help that when Renjun complained to Jaemin that this was happening, the boy would just tilt his head back and laugh.

 _Do you think they’re watching right now?_ Jaemin asked one night, as Renjun remembered. They were sitting on the dock once more, drinking some sodas. 

Renjun remembered grumbling, rolling his eyes, _Probably. I wouldn’t be surprised._

The next thing he knew, Jaemin snaked one arm around Renjun’s small waist, clothed only by a cotton shirt, and leaned over, and suddenly, on Renjun’s cheek, he could feel the touch of a pair of lips pressing against it. Jaemin’s. Jaemin kissed his cheek and then spoke into the boy’s ear, _Let’s give them a tease then, shall we?_

Renjun had pulled himself away then suddenly, saying he had to leave before it got completely dark despite him obviously not caring too much the past days. His face still burned hot and his heart wouldn’t stop beating. Why was Jaemin doing this to him? _Oh right_ Renjun realized _It’s because I let him._

When Renjun drove away that night, he didn’t bother to look back. 

  
  
  


* * *

The next day, Renjun didn’t come to the dock. He sent Jaemin a text saying that he had been feeling sick all day and that he shouldn’t bother coming down to the dock that evening. The truth was, he wasn’t sick at all. He had also skipped school, partially because he did not want to take that AP Chemistry test that day but also because he was just sick of his own feelings. He had acknowledged at this point that he felt something more, significantly more, for Na Jaemin, but that didn’t mean it hurt less to be around the boy knowing that he can’t possibly feel the same. J

aemin does things that he does not understand has such a profound impact on Renjun. Jaemin does not understand that every time he brings his hand up to caress Renjun’s face, Renjun feels like he is being lifted up into cloud nine. Jaemin does not understand that every time he jogs down to the dock, Renjun’s heart swells a little bit knowing that the boy must be tired and beaten to death by soccer practice but he still finds time to make it to ask Renjun a question that the boy knows Renjun would say no to. Jaemin does not understand that when he kisses his cheek like that, it breaks his heart knowing that it was all just a tease. But most of all, Jaemin does not understand that everything he does makes Renjun fall for him a little bit more everyday. And it was _painful_. 

Renjun laid in his bed, hugging his blanket to his chest, and stared at the wall. He hadn’t been able to sleep. The clock read 12 A.M. which wasn’t extremely late by any means--sort of for a school night--, but when he had been trying to sleep for the past 2 hours, it felt like an eternity. Renjun had figured that sleeping off his feelings will help loosen up his mind, and take it off of his impending doom at the hands of Jaemin. And that would have been a good idea if he had been able to _fucking sleep_. Renjun cursed as he tossed in his bed. He raised his wrist to look at the leather bracelet. It still brings him happiness to know Jaemin was willing to give him something seemingly this important to him to borrow. He must have meant something special to Jaemin, he knew that at least. But not enough to love him back, Renjun thought with a twinge of sadness. 

He wasn’t stupid. He knew by this point, from his own observations and from practically everyone else’s, that Jaemin didn’t treat him like he treated other people. Jaemin was kinder to him, more attentive. More flirtatious. Jaemin rearranged his plans for Renjun, and he goes out of his way to bring him snacks at the dock occasionally. He attends Renjun’s small art shows at school, bringing all of his friends along too, and asks deeply about each piece. But even after all of that, Renjun knew it was just because he was quite about the only person who really understood Jaemin. He was a good friend. And for now, that had to be enough. 

Renjun heard a loud knock against his window and he jolted up in bed out of surprise. Maybe a bird had flown into his window on accident. Maybe even a large cicada. He put a hand up to his frightened heart and calmed himself, laying back down. But just as he was about to get settled into the bed again, a loud thump hit his window again. _Oh my fucking god,_ Renjun thought to himself, _What the fuck is going on_. 

He slid out of bed now, unsure of what he was going to see when he opened his curtains. Maybe the tree outside on his yard was tapping against it. He grumbled to himself, upset over how much of a scare the loud sound gave him. Just as he moved aside the curtain, another sound hit his window. But this time, Renjun could see it: it was a rock. 

Upset, Renjun assumed it was one of those annoying neighborhood children, and threw his window open, whisper yelling into the night air from his second floor window, “Who the _fuck_ is throwi-”

“Oh.” Renjun stopped his words as he looked down at who it was.

Na Jaemin stood in his yard, fingers to his lips in a shushing manner, and gave the boy in the upstairs window a smile. Jaemin wore a plain shirt on top of a pair of athletic joggers. His hair was messily styled up, shining underneath the bright light of the full moon. He looked amazing. Behind him on the street, Renjun could see where his Jaguar was parked. 

Renjun whispered to him as loud as possible, careful not to be too loud and wake up his parents, “Na Jaemin, what are you doing here? It’s fucking midnight.” 

“Coming to get you, obviously,” He gestured towards his car.

Renjun let out a fake cough, “I’m sick.” 

“You’re not sick. You just didn’t want to go to AP Chem today to take that test,” Jaemin claimed, “I asked Donghyuck.” He pulled out his phone and waved it around. 

“Traitorous bastard,” Renjun muttered under his breath and then looked back outside the window. Jaemin kicked his feet at the grass, looking down at it as if it was particularly interesting. It was a bit chilly outside and Renjun held himself to combat against the breeze. He could hear the sounds of cicadas and the occasional car driving past once in a while, but other than that silence.

When Jaemin spoke up again, his voice sounded pleading and Renjun could hear a sense of desperation in his voice, “Please, Renjun.” And he continued quieter, Renjun almost didn’t hear him, “Don’t deny me tonight.” 

Renjun chewed on his inner cheek. He didn’t know why Jaemin was so adamant to hang out with him, especially at this ridiculous time in the morning. It was 12am and they had school the next day. Jaemin was being a dumbass thinking that he would leave at midnight knowing he had to be up early the next morning. However, Renjun could sense the pure exhaustion and pleading in his friend’s tone. Something had taken him all the way here. Something had convinced him it was a good idea to drive all the way to Renjun’s house in the middle of the night and ask him to come with him. 

Renjun sighed and closed his window. 

  
  
  


Jaemin took that as an answer, as Renjun saying no. He looked at the closed window for another moment, wondering why Renjun was so incredibly stubborn to act like he hated him. Jaemin knew that he didn’t. He wasn’t dumb. He knew Renjun always brought more food than he could have eaten for his tiny body to the dock, knowing that Jaemin would be there. He knew Renjun wouldn’t let him into his own house the times when he randomly shows up during the day to hang out if he truly hated him. If nothing else, Renjun saw him as a friend, yet still acted like he was an enemy. 

Pursing his lips, Jaemin turned and fished out his car keys from his pocket. He pushed the button that automatically turned the engine on for him and unlocked his door. It was midnight anyways. What even made him come here. 

As Jaemin opened up his driver’s side door, he heard the sound of a door opening and closing and he looked up. 

Renjun had came out through the front door, having changed into a warmer outfit, and made his way over to the car. Jaemin felt his mood shifting almost instantaneously. 

“Well look who decided to come out and play,” Jaemin said with a playful grin.

Renjun rolled his eyes, “Shut up. I can still go back inside, you know.”

  
  
  
  


When Renjun had left his house at midnight, creeping quietly so his parents didn’t wake up, he hoped that he wouldn’t regret coming with Jaemin on this stupid, crazy rendevous. But as he sits in the passenger seat, talking to Jaemin as the boy takes them through the silent streets of Sokcho, he knows he would have gone even if he did end up regretting it. 

They arrive in front of a 24/7 traveler's stop, a rest area of sorts that came with a convenience store and supply store. It was empty at this time, but it usually was empty anyhow, since there weren’t many travellers coming into Sokcho unless they were here for business or family. Renjun wondered why they were here. Jaemin parked and got out of the car, prompting Renjun to do the same. He caught up with the taller boy who was making his way to the storefront. 

“What are we doing here?” He asked.

Jaemin nodded towards the store, “Grab some snacks and drinks.”

“When you say drinks, are we talking about coca cola or are you talking about beers?” Renjun asked, eyeing the other. 

Jaemin looked back at the smaller boy with a smirk, “Whichever you’d like. I have an ID.”

Renjun ended up getting the coca colas and sprites, still having a bit of bad memories attached to his horrible alcohol experience at the party. Jaemin had disappeared off to the supplies area the moment they stepped inside, telling Renjun to go grab the snacks. Renjun paced the aisles, pondering what to get. At the end, he ended up settling for a couple bags of different chips, some sweets, and the typical gas station seasoned potato wedges that they sell. Then he remembered Jaemin’s unusually large appetite and he grabbed a couple more snacks in case it wasn’t enough. 

He walked up to the cashier, who looked like the last place he wanted to be was there working the late night shift, and set the abundance of snacks on the counter. 

The cashier popped his gum, “Wow, you eat a lot for someone so small.” 

Renjun smiled, shaking his head, “It’s for two.”

“Hot date, huh.” 

He must have been really bored to be this intrusive, Renjun thought, “Well,”

Just as he was about to speak, he could hear Jaemin’s scattering behind him. He turned around and the pink haired boy was carrying some blankets and pillows from the supplies section. They weighed down on his arms. 

Jaemin spoke up, “I got it, Renjun. Let me get my card.”

Renjun refused, already pulling out his own credit card and setting it on the table, “No, I got it. I’m well off too, you know.” He smiled playfully. 

The cashier eyed Renjun and Jaemin strangely before looking back at Renjun, ringing up his total, “Your hot date is Na Jaemin?”

“Great, you know him too?” Renjun rolled his eyes, typing in the pin on the keypad. 

“Everyone and their mother knows him,” The cashier looked equally annoyed, “Soccer star and all.”

Jaemin behind him shrugged, “What can I say?”

Renjun turned back to the cashier as he grabs the snacks in the plastic bags, “Anyways, we are _not_ on a date. Don’t go around spreading rumors, now.”

The cashier deadpanned him and then gestured to Jaemin while still looking at Renjun, “He’s literally buying pillows and blankets. What else could you two be doing.”

Renjun’s mouth gaped like a fish at that as he realized the cashier had a very good point. He pondered the answer to that question too, and then he turned back to Jaemin who was now checking out his items. Renjun asked, “Yeah Jaemin, what _are_ you doing with that?” 

Jaemin turned and winked at him, “Like he said, hot date.” 

Renjun kicked him in front of the cashier. 

They drove a long time out of Sokcho. They took the highway that Renjun would usually take if he were to go from Sokcho down south to Yangyanggun or vice versa; however, thirty minute on that highway, instead of continuing straight which would get them to Yangyanggun, Jaemin took an exit to the left, venturing into an area Renjun had never been to before. Renjun had kept prodding the pink hair boy to tell him where they were going, but Jaemin would answer with some cryptic, “You’ll see when we get there.” 

“You know how murder-y and serial killer-y this all feels, right?” Renjun asked, his legs draped up on the dashboard.

Jaemin screamed, making Renjun jump in his seat, “Get your feet off the dashboard! This is my fucking baby.” He referred to his car. 

“My _god_ ,” Renjun yelled back, “You scared the hell out of me!”

“You deserved it!”

“Oh my god, I want to go home,” Renjun faked complained, “I can’t believe you just screamed at me over a car.” 

“Well I can’t believe you just put your feet on my dashboard.” 

The rest of their ride was like this, endless bickering that was never really serious. Renjun kept finding new things to complain about, which only led to Jaemin finding more things to complain about. And it was this cycle of vicious words that never truly meant any harm. And when they would settle down, it would only last a couple minutes before Jaemin would say something flirtatious or audacious enough to make Renjun fired up again. But despite that, for some reason, it felt comforting. 

They drive for a while. At first, right off the exit looked like a normal small town. Gas stations here and there, homes scattered in low density areas, an occasional market or barber or small mom-and-pop restaurant. But as he kept on driving, everything began to disappear and all around them was just black. Renjun knew that it was trees covering them on both sides, but at night it was impossible to see through them and recognize them as trees. The only thing they really saw was the headlights on gravel in front of them, but Jaemin seemed to know where he was going. 

He had one hand on the steering wheel casually and the other was resting on the middle arm rest. His hands were large, and had visible veins from working out so much. They were just resting there and Renjun didn’t know he had been staring until Jaemin paused mid-speech about something his cousin did that made him angry the other day and looked over at Renjun for a brief second before eyes turning back on the road.

“You know if you want to hold my hand, just say so,” Jaemin teased, turning his palm upwards as if inviting the smaller boy.

Renjun’s neck heat up from being caught but he quickly and confidently teased back, “Alright, I want to hold your hand. We’re on a _hot date_ after all.” And then, Renjun took the invitation and sassily slipped his fingers through Jaemin’s own, feeling so small against Jaemin’s large and masculine hands. His palms were warm, comfortable, and fit like a glove, just how Renjun had imagined them. He knew he was being stupid and daring, but he covered it up well enough with a ruse that Jaemin would just think he was teasing him back. 

Jaemin was surprised. He usually was the one teasing and Renjun would just make fun of him or act appalled and disgusted, but this time, Huang Renjun was playing his game back to him. He was playing his game back _quite_ well too. He was also surprised at just how small Renjun’s hands were in comparison to his own. 

“So we’re playing games now, are we?” Jaemin asked, eyes still on the road as they wind further into the woods, “Since we’re on a hot date, how about you kiss me?” 

Renjun didn’t want to back out of this little game, but he was shocked at how easily Jaemin wanted to push the edge. Renjun played it cool, not taking long to reply with a suggestive, “How about it.”

They were going on 70 MPH per the speed limit before, but now, on this dark and quiet road, Jaemin quickly pulled to a stop in less than 10 seconds. Renjun’s body lurched forward at the sudden motion and he looked over at Jaemin, who then took his hand off the wheel, other hand still not letting go of Renjun’s own, and scooted closer to the boy. 

Suddenly, Jaemin’s presence seem to envelop the entire car in this unspoken tension as his eyes drop down to Renjun’s lips. 

“Do it then,” Jaemin said, looking back up at Renjun’s eyes. 

_He’s just playing games. He’s just playing games. He doesn’t actually expect you to kiss him. He’s trying to push my limit. He’s just playing games, Renjun._ He thought to himself to calm his head from just how close they were and how suffocating Jaemin’s entire body suddenly became. 

Renjun pushed the boy back into his seat, and told him to drive. He lost.

Jaemin tilted his head back in laughter, the tension disappearing in the air as it seems he was back to his normal, annoying and dorky self, “I win. I win. I win. Although, for a second there, I thought you were actually going to go for it, Renjun.” 

_For a second there, I thought I was too_ , Renjun thought, but instead he said, “No, your breath probably stinks.”

It didn’t. 

But with that crude jab, Jaemin feigned hurt and they were back to their normal selves. 

Their drive didn’t change scenery; however, it did change elevation. As Jaemin continued driving in what seemed to be the middle of nowhere, Renjun could tell they were going up in elevation by the way his ears popped from the change in pressure. They must have been on a mountain.

It was still a while to go, and Renjun was not surprised that conversation never died once. That had never been the case, not during the summer, not during the phase when Renjun pretended to hate Jaemin’s guts, and definitely not now. They had been too busy shit-talking their horrible librarian or making next year’s FIFA world cup predictions that Renjun almost didn’t notice that they still hadn’t let go of each other’s hands, and as Jaemin was talking, he would rub small circles on the back of Renjun’s hands. But still, he noticed. And he wished he didn’t because now his heart aches a little more. 

  
  
  


They arrive at a parking lot surrounded in complete darkness. Trees surrounded them on all sides. No other car was there and if Renjun was being honest, this looked like the beginning of a horror movie. Here they were, absent of cell signal and absent of civilization for a good few dozen miles in a mountain somewhere. Renjun was starting to really contemplate the idea that Jaemin truly was a serial killer. Renjun was told to carry all of the snacks, while Jaemin bundled up all of the rolled up blankets and pillows in his arms, with some tucked under his chin so they wouldn’t fall out. And he began walking in one direction until they reached a trailhead. 

“We’re walking a _trail?_ In the pitch black? _”_ Renjun asked, staring at his friend incredulously.

“Relax,” Jaemin assured, “It’s literally a five minute trail. You’ll survive.”

  
  


They walk in the dark for five minutes, following the paved stone path. Their eyes both started to get adjusted to the darkness and now could make out the shape of trees or steps ahead of them. Renjun’s breath was taken away when they arrive at their destination. It was beyond where the trees ended, where a jut of pure rock that honestly almost looked like Pride Rock from The Lion King hung off of a _very_ elevated mountain side. 

The full moon’s light illuminated the white rock, making it almost glow a pale bluish-white underneath its heavenly aura. Beneath them, the forest met the coast. Renjun could see untouched shoreline where the mountain’s trees ended. He could hear the rushing sound of the waves and see the never ending ocean reflecting the light of the moon and the stars that the skies were sprinkled with. Renjun set down the plastic bags full of snacks and carefully walked towards the edge, not caring how windy it was up here, but rather, enjoying just how magnificent it felt to be on top of the world. 

Behind him, Na Jaemin found a flat area of rock where he then laid a thick layer of blanket on the bottom to cushion, and then another one to help cushion even further. And then unrolled a couple more blankets on top for warmth before throwing some pillows on his makeshift stargazing/cliff-gazing spot. 

“You won’t come with me to the ocean,” Jaemin said as he was setting all of this up, “So I took you to the mountains.”

Renjun turned around to face Jaemin, with a genuine smile of shock and pure happiness on his face. Jaemin took off his shoes and set them to the side before plopping down in a sitting position. 

Renjun shook his head in happy disbelief, “Is this what you usually do for friends?” 

He shrugged with a smile, “Just for friends who pretend to hate me.”

Renjun rolled his eyes despite there still being a grin on his face and he made his way over, taking off his own shoes and sitting criss crossed on the heap of blankets, with some on the blanket on his lap. Renjun’s face was lit up by the moon, making his skin glow and his light blonde hair look silver. He looked like an angel. 

“Well now I don’t hate you anymore,” Renjun laughed. 

Jaemin clapped and whooped into the open night air. It echoed, “Mission complete.” 

Renjun gave him the most endearing smile he could have possibly had. If he wasn’t sure he was in love before, then now he does. 

  
  


Renjun did not know how long they were there. He didn’t bother to check his phone. He didn’t even bother to touch his phone once. Jaemin was enough. They were in a sitting position for a while, hands propping them up from behind as they faced the edge of the cliff, admiring the endlessness of the ocean from high above. 

As they munched on an assortment of snacks and sipped on carbonated drinks, they indulged in each other’s company. Jaemin had gone through five different bags of chips or sweets while going through a long, extended story about how he was left at the wrong airport once when he was little on accident. _How the fuck do you forget your kid in the wrong terminal on accident_ , Jaemin had ranted and Renjun listened with complete enjoyment. He told stories of his own too. Renjun talked about how his parents had accepted he was gay a long time ago because when he was little, he was obsessed with male celebrities and talked about getting married to them at age 5. Or how he got himself a sprite instead of coca cola because he was still scared from the time he was dumb enough to take on a friend’s dare of drinking coca cola shaken up with mentos. If Renjun thought they had exhausted all they could have ever talked about back in the summer, he was dead wrong. 

  
  
  


He didn’t know when but at some point in the night, or more like very early morning, he had gotten quite close to Jaemin, having no other choice but to brush up against the other’s leg constantly or sit hip to hip. Despite that, Renjun was still quite comfortable. He was comfortable enough to lean his head into Jaemin’s chest or neck everytime something hilarious happened and he needed something to latch onto while he laughed. He was comfortable enough to get his legs and torso tangled up in blankets beside Jaemin’s own. They had eaten all the snacks and drank all the sodas so now, Renjun being as close as he was, could smell the sweetness of cherry cola still on Jaemin’s lips. 

He took a good look at Jaemin. His light pink hair underneath the pale blue moonlight almost lavender, but despite that, he still looked so incredibly masculine. The lines and angles of his face had more depth and his forever piercing eyes never ceased to take Renjun’s breath away. 

“Renjun,” Jaemin began to playfully tease, “You know when you look at me like that, I’m tempted to kiss you, right?” 

“Hmm,” Renjun played along, feigning innocence, “When I look at you how? Like this?” 

Renjun tilted his head to the side a little bit, letting some soft whitish-blonde locks of hair fall in front of his eyes, which was then lightly pushed to the side by the slight breeze. He looked up and down at Jaemin with doe eyes that seem to glisten underneath the starlight, subtly biting his lip as he did so. It was subtle, but noticeable nevertheless. 

“Yes, like that,” Jaemin confirmed, “You have to be careful with who all you give those looks to, Renjun. Some people might not have as much self-control as I do.” He said that last part in a joking, light-hearted manner, which gave Renjun a bit of relief knowing that he didn’t have to think too deeply about what that statement implied. But even then, he felt the urge to punch Jaemin at the notion that the boy had any form of self-control whatsoever.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny. But,” He just rolled his eyes, “Jaemin, don’t kid yourself. You have no self-control.” 

“Really,” Jaemin snickered, “What does that mean?” 

Renjun pursed his lips and swept his hair to the side, “Even with your huge reputation and knowing people are watching your every move, you are shameless with the girls you go around with. Shameless, I say. Where’s the self control in that?” Renjun tsk-ed at him, pretending he didn’t care about it, but he absolutely did. 

Jaemin looked away with a smile, “I _do_ have my limits, Renjun. I’m not just fucking any pretty person I see,” And then he gestured in Renjun’s direction with a wink, “Obviously.”

Renjun decided to ignore that and was skeptical of the statement, “Hm, I don’t know about that. You do have quite a reputation with women.”

“My reputation with women, huh?” Jaemin smiled with the hint of a smirk at the end, “ _This_ is not something we’ve ever explicitly talked about. I’d just always assumed you’d be too jealous to ask me about it.” He played.

Renjun, if he didn’t know Jaemin was just messing with him, would have gotten upset at how true the accusation was, but now was _not_ the time to prove Jaemin he was right. When he totally was.

“Not jealous,” Renjun shook his head with a smile so sweet that it was almost sadistic, “Just curious as to what the fuss is about.”

Jaemin turned his body and cocked his head to the side, “I’m good at what I do, Renjun. That’s what the fuss is about.” 

_I’m good at what I do_ , Renjun repeated in his head. The implication was obvious: Jaemin was good at being a womanizer. Good in bed. Good with his lips. Good with his hands. Good with his hips. 

His throat suddenly felt dry, and out of sheer self-sabotaging dumbassery and the fact that he was going to blame the time and how it was _so late_ that he wasn’t thinking straight, Renjun made a bold move. The boldest move he could have possibly made that screamed _obvious._

“Show me,” Renjun requested with command and curiosity in his voice. 

He regretted it the moment he said it, but now he knew it was too late to take it back. It was such an obvious and clear statement that Renjun did not even have the opportunity to pretend he was talking about something else or convince Jaemin that he had misheard him. At this point, Renjun was all in, while of course, keeping the image that his feelings had nothing to do with this, albeit in vain it seems like. His feelings had everything to do with this.

“What?” Jaemin was the one to be shocked this time, by the sheer _boldness_ of the boy in front of him, who looked like an angel in the moonlight but whose words and suggestive remarks portrayed anything _but_ an angel. 

Renjun mentally reminded himself _Go all in, Renjun. If you back out, then he’ll know something is fishy. If you act cool and just go for it, then he’ll think that you don’t care enough to pussy out. All in. All in. All in._

“If you’re as good as you say you are, then show me,” Renjun restated, voice firm although he was panicking internally, “Kiss me.” 

Jaemin raised an eyebrow. It was a killer move to make anyone weak in the knees, “You want me to kiss you like I kiss the girls I mess around with?” 

Renjun did not like how Jaemin worded that. _You want me to kiss you like I kiss the girls I mess around with?_ But wasn’t that what Renjun had practically asked of him? Wasn’t that what he implied himself? The way Jaemin had said it made it seem as if Renjun just gave the most stupid and ridiculous request and he wanted no part in it. Renjun was a bit embarrassed, wishing he had shut his mouth rather than deal with this rather awkward probable rejection.

To save himself, Renjun shrugged as if it didn’t matter, “Or not. I was ju-”

Before he could finish, Renjun felt a large and strong hand cupping the right side of his face, tilting his small face up, before he felt the soft but most impeccably _perfect_ lips on his own. _My fucking God_ , Renjun had a million thoughts race through his head. He was not expecting Jaemin’s lips to feel this perfectly fitted on his own. He wasn’t sure how to react. He had thought about what it would be like to kiss Na Jaemin so many times before. Countless times in the summer. And nowadays, countless times _since_ then. But now that he was doing it, Renjun didn’t know what to make of the fact that it was better than what he had ever imagined. 

Jaemin’s hands were firmly on his cheek, controlling but in a sensitive way. Renjun begins moving with Jaemin, pushing all the panic out of his mind so that he could _savor_ this, so that he could _feel_ this, because he knew he would never have it again. Renjun’s lips move passionately against Jaemin’s, slow at the right moments, tugging at the right moments, and matching his pace while slowly escalating. Jaemin’s right hand moved down from Renjun’s face to his shoulders, and now his other hand was in the action too, reaching over to pull Renjun closer by the waist. It felt like _fucking_ euphoria. The hardest drug, Renjun was sure, could not compare to this. 

Jaemin’s behavior suddenly turned desperate, as if he had been starving for years and was only now being fed. His lips lock intensely with Renjun’s own, his hands grabbing eagerly and urgently at Renjun’s waist, as if this was the first time he had touched a person, as if this was the best life was going to get and he had to savor it. Their bodies moved fluidly with each other’s. Renjun knotted his fingers through Jaemin’s hair, as Jaemin swiftly and easily lifts Renjun up and onto his lap. They were so _fucking_ close to one another and Renjun’s mind was clouded with thoughts that _this_ was what he needed. This was the _only_ drug he needed. 

There was a sweetness to Jaemin’s lips that he never tasted before, and he moaned slightly into Jaemin’s mouth. The sound must have stirred some feeling in Jaemin because he began pulling Renjun closer on this lap, hands wrapped tightly around his slender body, kissing deeper, rougher. Renjun’s lips were like nothing else. The way he knotted his fingers in Jaemin’s hair was like _nothing else_. 

Jaemin pulled away but kept Renjun in the same position. The small boy was heaving, catching his breath. His eyes looks glossed over and faded, lips wet and swollen, and trying to anchor his soul back to the ground. Jaemin looked at his handiwork, still surprised that Renjun had been this _bold_ . Jaemin had been asked to do a lot of things before by a lot of people, but never would he have thought Renjun, _the_ Renjun, would be here, asking him to kiss him. 

“You’re gonna let me off your lap or what,” Renjun breathed out, looking at Jaemin with hooded eyes. 

Jaemin smiled, something blazing in his eyes, “You tell me, am I as good as I say I am?” 

Renjun made a show of thinking about it deeply, “Hm, I can’t say for sure.”  
Jaemin shrugged, eyes already lingering back on Renjun’s lips, “How unfortunate. Looks like I have to keep trying.”

He leaned in to catch Renjun’s _sweet, sweet_ lips again, met with the taste of pure euphoria when he did. The boy was not hesitant to reciprocate, meeting Jaemin’s urgency with his own. When he tugged and pulled, the other boy tugged and pulled back. Suddenly, Jaemin flipped them around, until Renjun was laying back on the soft pillow and Jaemin was situated on top of him, encasing the boy in his large frame. Jaemin, as he continued attacking Renjun’s pretty lips, let his hand slip under the boy’s cotton shirt, feeling the smoothness and curve of his waist. His hand on pure skin felt so good to him, although it was practically nothing. Knowing this was Renjun that he was touching, kissing, grabbing stirred an intense feeling in him. His lips moved down slowly to Renjun’s smooth, soft neck where he began kissing a mixture of soft and rough kisses, some bites here and there even though he had never given hickeys before even with his level of experience. The smaller boy moaned at the action, head tilted back in ecstasy, for his neck was easily one of the most sensitive parts on his body. Jaemin responded to the sound, only going rougher, before coming back up to catch Renjun’s lips once more. Jaemin felt the strong urge to move his hands elsewhere, to move his hips elsewhere, to do more. He had never felt this crazed before. But he didn’t. 

Renjun then pushed him away, breathing fast and heavy, “Nope, don’t see what the hype is about.” Renjun knew _exactly_ what the hype was about.

Jaemin laughed, knowing he was lying, “I will try to not let that insult keep me up at night. It’ll be hard, but I’ll try” 

They both lay back, confused and exhausted.

“That was a weird request, wasn’t it,” Renjun asked, looking up at the sky. 

Jaemin hummed, “I’m not complaining.’ 

Renjun rolled his eyes and shoved a pillow at his head, “Of course you wouldn’t.”

Renjun didn’t know how he did it. He didn’t know how he managed to make himself stay calm. Internally, he was not sure what to make of himself. Unsure what to do now that he knew Jaemin’s lips was the only thing he needed. His heart had been beating uncontrollably the entire time, but it threatened to stop altogether at the sudden rush of emotions he was getting. He just fucked himself over once more. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They laid there for what seemed like forever, shoulders touching each other in an innocent way, and looked up at the heavens. They had shoved the kiss in the back of their heads, supposedly, and now moved on to deeper, meaningful, quieter conversations, as if they were afraid the trees would hear and tell its friends. The only subject they did not touch was themselves, their summer, their whole dynamic. But other than that, Renjun allowed himself alongside Jaemin to divulge his thoughts and passions. His hopes and despairs. Jaemin did the same. Renjun thought about how much of a movie cliche this was, and how he of all people gets to experience this. With someone he was hopelessly in love with. However, in moments like these, when Jaemin had driven to his house at midnight to take him to the middle of nowhere so they can stargaze and enjoy a scenic outlook, Renjun thinks that maybe the inevitable heartbreak is worth it. He thinks, that if he’s going to feel this way regardless of what he could ever do to stop himself, then why stop himself at all? Why not just dive in headfirst? 

So that’s what he does. 

  
  


“Renjun, I’m scared,” Jaemin breathed out. They had been laying there, watching the stars twinkle for a while now. Hushed conversations filled the quietness of nature, but every word they exchanged sounded so clear in Renjun’s ears. He knew Jaemin was talking about soccer. The subject had evidently been plaguing his head for days upon days now. In Jaemin’s voice just now, Renjun heard the sound of raw vulnerability, “I’m so scared that I haven’t been able to sleep.”

Renjun turned to his side, facing Jaemin, “I know, I can tell.” He said softly. 

Jaemin swallowed, as if in pain, eyes still turned towards the heavens, “The truth is, although I complain about it every day, I know Coach is right. I am missing something. _Something_. I don’t know what it is either, but I can feel it in the way I play.” He breathed, “When I play and when I practice, the ball is just a ball to me. I love the sport. I love my team. I love playing. But at the end of the day, I see the ball as just a ball. It’s something I have to put my entire focus on into getting it into the other team’s goal. And that’s all it is. Making it into the other team’s goal.” 

Renjun hummed in acknowledgement, “But isn’t that a good thing? To focus entirely on the ball?”

“In theory, yes,” Jaemin explained somberly, “But I’m too technique driven, Renjun.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“What’s so bad is that it works, but people who have been observing this sport for decades, people like those pretentious SNU recruiters, see a kid like me: A kid who scores perfectly but relies solely on technique and lacks a true passion. And they think one thing: this kid is great now, but he’s going to burn out. He’s going to burn out because no matter how good he is, he lacks the one thing that makes all the difference: passion.” 

Renjun didn’t know why he did, but he had already touched Jaemin in more intimate ways tonight than this, so he brought a hand up to trace along the sharp lines and angles of Na Jaemin’s handsome face. Jaemin looked at him, gaze deep and penetrating. 

And when he spoke, Renjun made sure he put every ounce of sincerity he could muster in his voice, “The thing about passion, Jaemin, is that it’s not something you either have or you don’t. It’s something you can _cultivate_ , something you can develop or realize. And if I know anything about you, then you _will_ get to that point one day, one day soon. I can see that you’re capable of passion by the way you ultimately never give up on things, even if you’ve given up on them before. You pick it back up and you don’t stop until you succeed,” Renjun hoped he hadn’t made it too obvious what he was referring to, “You’re capable of passion by the way you get beat down by your coach every single day and you still come back. You even skip lunch sometimes so that you can go out and practice. If there was no passion there, why would you even bother? Even if it’s a little bit, a little spark of passion, when nurtured and worked towards, can become that raging flame that your coach keeps wanting out of you.” 

Jaemin didn’t say anything, but the look that he gave Renjun said all that was needed to be said. His eyes bore into Renjun’s soul, and Renjun let him look. He bared his heart for Jaemin to see if it meant he’d realize his potential. 

And then Renjun whispered again, this time, words that Jaemin had not heard since the summer, words he didn’t know he needed to hear so badly until they came out of Renjun’s lips again, “It’s going to be okay, _Nana_.” 

This time, Renjun did not use that intimate nickname while he was drunk, or while he was sarcastic. This time, it meant all the truthfulness in the world. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


“Renjun, what are those things on your neck?” Kun squinted his eyes as he stared right on the light marks splattered along Renjun’s neck. He had tried covering it up with makeup this morning, but Renjun had forgotten the setting spray so it had melted off by now. The cafeteria’s air conditioning was down for repair, which meant they had to eat their food in a swampy temperature. 

Donghyuck’s eyes grew to the size of balloons and he clapped, “Holy fuck, are those hickeys?”

Renjun cowered in his seat, and Chenle reached over to pull down his collar some more, letting everyone at the table whoop and holler. 

“Guys, shut up. Shut up,” Renjun tried shushing them, waving his hands in the air in front of their faces. 

“No,” Donghyuck demanded, “Not until you tell us who, what, when, where, and how.”

“Exactly,” Chenle said and he stood up in his seat and made a motion to yell to the whole cafeteria, “I will scream to the cafeteria asking who it was if I have to!”

“Sit the fuck down!” Renjun whisper-screamed, panicking, “I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you!”

Chenle sat back down and all of his friends gathered close, anticipating the news. 

Renjun breathed in and out, “So last night, well, technically this morning since it was like, super ear-”

“Get to the point, Huang,” Kun cawed. 

“Jaemin made out with me,” He finally just said. 

His friends’ dropped their jaws. 

“ _What,”_ Chenle exclaimed.

Renjun calmed them down and then continued explaining, wanting them to know the context of what all happened. He talked them through how the pink haired boy came to pick him up at midnight, how they bought a bunch of snacks and supplies at the store, and then how they spent hours on the cliff talking until it was almost dawn. Even this morning at school, Renjun knew he should have been tired, but he wasn’t. 

“And then, since I’m a dumb fuck, I asked him to kiss me. And he says, ‘You want me to kiss you like how I kiss the girls I mess around with’” Renjun explained, “And in my head I was thinking, that’s a horrible way to put it but yeah, I guess. And then, guys, holy shit, he kissed me for a hot few minutes. I think he ruined kissing for me”

Renjun was expecting his friends to go wild, but instead, they sat there in silence, looking at him and then looking at each other, as if they knew something Renjun didn’t. Donghyuck pursed his lips in concentration, as if in deep thought. And Chenle looked as if he wanted to burst out and say something. Renjun narrowed his eyes at all of them.

“What is it,” Renjun asked, “Come on, tell me. There’s something you are all thinking, I can tell.”

“Renjun...you see….” Kun began, face showing a look of curiosity, “Jaemin had never kissed any of those girls.”  
“What?” Renjun was confused, his heart pitter pattering in his chest.

Donghyuck was the one who explained, voice also quite confused, “Yeah. Everyone knows this, practically. But Jaemin, when he hooks up with people, they always talk about how he never kisses them. Not on the lips at least. Which is why it’s weird that he said he’d kiss you like he kisses the other girls. Because the thing is, he _doesn’t_ kiss those other girls.”   
Renjun thought back to the party. When he had been kissing that one girl, he had noticed her lipstick was still completely intact. He noticed that Jaemin’s lips were on her neck but never her face. Then he thought back to last night. Jaemin hadn’t? He hadn’t kissed all those other people? Suddenly, Renjun was so confused and wanted answers. But he didn’t know what to make of the situation. He looked over to his friends, “Excuse me, what?”

Renjun looked over to Jaemin’s table. Where all of Jaemin’s friends were sitting, laughing about something. Before he could look away, Jaemin turned and caught Renjun’s eye. When he did, the boy gave him a side smile and winked. Renjun could only give a half-one back before turning back around to his friends.

“Someone please knock me out.”

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


At practice, Jaemin played harder than he ever had before. His mind was more focused than usual, body moving more fluidly than ever. His headspace felt different. His kicks had more of an ‘ _umpth’_ to them. His passes more clear and precise. For the first time, he was able to consistently do backfoot kicks, where the ball was heading towards him in the opposite direction and he kicks backwards to his target. Even the coach clapped a couple times, barely blowing his whistle at him or yelling at him from the sidelines. Even Mark and Jeno noticed a difference, patting their friend on the back asking what’s got him in such a mood today. Jaemin shrugged. When he ran, he ran faster than ever. His lower body moving as one with his thought process. Everything happening in split seconds, and he executes them all perfectly. 

Near the end of practice, Jaemin jogs over to the bench where all his teammates were drinking water or energy drinks and packing up to leave. He downed an entire bottle of water in record time. Just as he was going to grab his bags to go inside to shower, Jaemin spots a familiar head of whitish blonde hair in his peripheral. He turned towards it. 

Renjun was slowly jogging towards him onto the field, racket from tennis practice still in hand. _Huh_ , Jaemin thought, Tennis practice must have ran late today. They usually ended an hour earlier than soccer practice did. He jogged over and met Renjun halfway. 

“Hey,” The smaller boy breathed out, a pretty smile on his face.

Jaemin smiled back curiously, “Hey, what’s up. What are you doing here? Did tennis run late?”

Renjun shook his head, “No, I just stayed back for a while to practice some more. I just came over here to see how you were doing. Is Coach bullying you again?” 

It was the truth. Renjun had stayed back, not knowing what to make of the revelation he had heard earlier. He channeled all of his thoughts on the tennis ball, hoping it would distract him. But it hadn’t. If anything, the quietness of the practice court all to himself made thinking about Jaemin way too much easier. He was thinking of whether or not he should ever confront the pink-haired boy about it. Would it be a good idea? A horrible one? What if he found something out that he didn’t want to hear? He figured that seeing him, actually seeing Jaemin, would allow him to gauge whether he’d be able to even work up the courage to ask. So far, it wasn’t looking so good. 

Jaemin smiled widely and shook his head, “Actually, no. Not at all, really. In fact, he’s been unusually supportive.”  
Renjun beamed genuinely, “Maybe you discovered your passion.”

Jaemin shook his head in disbelief, “Maybe I had.” And then he asked the smaller boy, “Listen, do you want to wait for me in front of the school? I just need to take a shower really quick and change. I’ll drive you to the dock so you don’t have to walk.” 

“It’s literally less than a ten minute walk,” Renjun stated, “But sure. I’ll meet you there after I shower.” 

Jaemin smiled. 

He jogged back to the bench where his gym duffle was, but before he made it, he was stopped once again by his Coach. His coach put a hand on both of Jaemin’s shoulders and shook him a bit like a proud father.

“You practiced well today, Jaemin. Extremely well” He stated as a matter of fact.

Jaemin smiled widely, “Finally, huh.” 

His coach nodded, and then spoke in a low tone, “I think, Na Jaemin, that you found what that missing _something_ was.”

Jaemin frowned, confused, “What do you mean? What is it?”  
The coach, still having his hands on Jaemin’s shoulder, tilted his head and gestured his head in a direction somewhere behind Jaemin. Jaemin turned to see where his coach was looking and spotted the only thing he could be referring to. Huang Renjun’s retreating figure as he crossed the grass on his way back into the school’s tennis locker room.

And then, Coach said one word, firmly and confidently as he looked back at Jaemin, “ _Motivation.”_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it! Next chapter will be the  
> last one! I already written it, now to edit.  
> Thank you for reading! I really love all of your feedback whether  
> it's comments or just viewing the story <3 it gives  
> me motivation!  
> also i apologize for making this chapter massively long


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i lied again. 1 more chapter  
> 23k words ahead, beware.   
> lemme explain, the final chapter was originally a   
> whole ass 42k word chapter & i tried   
> reading it back and it took more  
> than 1.75 hoURs. So i split it up in two !!

  
  
  
  


Renjun stood leaning against the column of their school entrance, pretending to be busy on his phone as he waited for Jaemin to meet him when he finished showering after practice. Renjun had taken a quick shower himself after staying back on the court for another hour, and changed into a light red shirt and a pair of white shorts. His hair was still wet, but was quickly drying in the evening sun. He knew he was a bit stupid. He was stupid for continuing to spend time with Na Jaemin even though he knew this would only end in trouble. Yet he had faced the facts: heartbreak was inevitable. He might as well have his heart broken and keep the memories of Jaemin rather than have none at all. Or at least, that was his excuse.

His mind still pondered at what his friends had told him earlier.  _ Jaemin had never kissed any of those girls. _ Renjun did not know what to make of that. What was he supposed to think at this point. On one hand, Na Jaemin would explicitly tell him that he knows better than to think he has something going for Renjun. But on the other hand, Jaemin did things like this that boggled Renjun’s mind. There were so many signals thrown everywhere that he just confused himself thinking about it. Renjun muttered to himself,  _ How the fuck would I even bring that up _ . He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. He imagined scenarios in his head. ‘ _ Hey Jaemin! I heard you don’t kiss other girls. Why did you kiss me?’ _ No, because then that would make it sound like he thought he was special. ‘ _ Hey Jaemin! I knew you lied to me’. _ No, because that would sound accusatory.

He was distracted by a honk and a gorgeous white 2019 Jaguar XF pulled up in front of him, windows rolled down. Jaemin peeked his head through the side, giving Renjun a signature smile. His hair was wet and towel patted from his shower and he had changed into a muscle tank, where the arm holes were wide enough to reveal the sides of his toned body. He wore a pair of black joggers underneath. 

“You gonna get in or what?” Jaemin smiled, beckoning the boy over.

Renjun gave Jaemin a teasing grin, “Sorry, my mom told me not to get in weirdos’ cars.”

“I got candy,” Jaemin joked.

The shook his head with a smile as he moved, “You got a nice big lollipop for me?” He asked in a suggestive manner as he buckled himself up.

“Sure do,” Jaemin winked at him with a side smile.

“Oh good. I love to bite mine.” Renjun smiled widely and sarcastically.

Jaemin gave him a look of horror. 

  
  
  
  


Jaemin ended up, per usual, asking Renjun to come on a ride with him, for old time’s sake. Always those same stupid words. And Renjun, being the stubborn fool he was, said no. As he pulled the boat away from the dock, he set his eyes on the horizons. He had always stuck to the coastline or places not that far from the coast, like small limestone islands and sea cliffs, but Renjun figured that lately he had been testing the waters in his life. So he might as well literally test the waters and go towards an unknown horizon.

It had been one of those oddly sunny days where even with the sun, you could tell a storm was coming. It was unsuspecting, for the sun was bright and hot. But he and everyone else could tell rain was coming by the way the wind was a lot more active this morning, albeit a warm breeze, it was a strong one nevertheless. The way that the sun shared its space in the sky with plenty of clouds. And well, of course the weather forecast told them. But Renjun had already double checked. If he was out here for an hour, then he’ll still be able to get back well before the rain even begins. 

He boated a distance out towards the horizon, until he could barely make out the Sokcho coast behind him. He could not tell whether being away from Sokcho felt freeing or whether he still felt like something was missing. He blamed Na Jaemin for that. He blamed Jaemin for taking a piece of him away that Renjun wished he had been strong willed enough to not hand over. There always seemed to be something missing when Jaemin wasn’t around. 

It was like a puzzle piece that he kept finding and losing and then finding again only to lose again. The picture wasn’t complete without it. Without him. Out in the horizon, where the waters were calmer, Renjun did not even anchor. The water was too deep to anchor to anything. Beneath him were probably hundreds of feet of water. Sea creatures he had never even heard of in his life. The large endless ocean that seemed to swallow him and his boat whole. Renjun laid there, on his boat as it floated slowly across the still waters, hands resting behind his head. 

Occasionally, a bird flew over, being a long distance away from land, and Renjun was always surprised at that. Renjun could now see dark clouds forming in the distance, even if the sun was still out. The clouds came in like a powerful front, and Renjun knew that it would hit Sokcho in two hours or so. It was slow, but it was surely moving. He could tell too, by the way the waters were no longer calm, but were beginning to bob his boat slowly. Disturbed from his sky and ocean gazing, Renjun sighed. And picked himself up.

When Renjun arrived back at the dock, he had seriously not been expecting to see no one other than Na Jaemin himself still sitting on the pier. Renjun narrowed his eyes,  _ what the fuck _ . He thought he might have been mistaken, but the light pink hair and athletic build was undeniably Jaemin. 

The boy hadn’t noticed him yet, but instead was scrolling through his phone leaning the railing of the pier, where people who didn’t want to boat could hang around to look at the ocean. 

Renjun went to his port and tied his boat up before making the walk over to the pier. It had quite a lot of people at this time. Some were hanging out as friends, eating ice cream while sitting on the benches. Others were couples admiring the beautiful storm clouds rolling in from a distance. Renjun fast walked his way over until he was just a couple feet from Jaemin. 

“Na Jaemin, what are you still doing here,” Renjun asked curiously as he made his way over and leaned against the railing alongside Jaemin. The water crashed against the sides of the pier below them.

The pink haired boy looked up and his face broke into a smile, “Waiting on a pretty date.”

“You go on dates?” Renjun raised an eyebrow and tried not to let the twinging feeling in his gut overtake him, “And here I thought you just fucked around.”

Jaemin shook his head with a snicker while looking at the distance, “Of course not. I’m a gentleman, you know.”

Renjun rolled his eyes. He wondered who the person was, “Well, whoever it is, she’s late, it seems like.”

Jaemin now turned his body towards him, leaning down slightly to Renjun’s eye level, “Actually,  _ he _ is just on time.”

_ Oh _ , Renjun gets it now. Jaemin was referring to him. He was getting jealous for no reason and pinched himself. He knows it was a teasing joke, but it still made his heart skip a beat at the notion of a date.

Renjun shook his head with an amused grin, “Very funny, Jaemin. No really, why were you waiting for me? I was out there for, like, an hour.” 

Jaemin shrugged, “I need someone to catch me up on what I missed in calculus today. I was pulled out for half the class, remember?” 

Renjun remembered. It has been happening a lot lately. Their previous soccer game had landed them in the regional interhigh finals that they’d be playing  _ very  _ soon, in five days, so sports newspapers here and there had been trying to pull Jaemin out for quick pictures or interviews. Today, that time had been multivariable calculus. Renjun remembered his seatmate groaning as the newspaper representatives called out the soccer players in that class one by one, Jeno, Jisung, Mark, Jaemin, and the others. Even Mrs. Jun got extremely irritated. 

Renjun nodded, “You could have just called me.” 

Jaemin smiled, “I’m a visual and interactive learner. That wouldn’t work. Come on.” 

Jaemin patted Renjun across the shoulders and incited them to walk to his car together. 

They arrived at a cafe that was not too far from the dock. It was nestled amidst other businesses on a seaside outlet. Inside, the design was very chic and modern, with a hint of green from house plants here and there. Edison bulbs hung over each specially smoothed wooden table. The smell of arabica coffee beans and different types of fruit blends hit their noses the moment they walked in. 

Jaemin had ordered an iced black while Renjun settled for a matcha melon smoothie. At the cash register, the girl, looking to be about their age, was awfully shy when talking to either Renjun or Jaemin alike, giggling to herself and trying to make small talk with the both of them. When they got their drinks, both of the cups had her number sprawled onto it. 

Renjun laughed to himself as they sit down at a small table closest to the window where they can see the seas and its approaching dark clouds, “Does she think this is a lottery, where if she puts her number on both of our drinks, the chances of landing at least one of us will be higher?” He thought it was endearing in a way, even if he wasn’t interested. 

Jaemin shook his head amused, “I can’t understand women sometimes.”

Renjun brought his straw to his lips, but not before he said, “Yeah, me neither. Which is why I’m into men.” 

Jaemin laughed at that.

Jaemin paid attention to Renjun’s recap of their day in calculus, picking it up quickly. It wasn’t hard material per se, but it was the type of lesson where if you miss five minutes of it, as Jaemin had earlier that day, then you’d be sorely confused. It hadn’t taken long for Renjun to finish explaining the concept and how it was applied, and Jaemin made sure to reiterate through working examples to show that he understood. 

Renjun hadn’t even finished his drink in the time it took him to cover just about the entire lesson to Jaemin, and figured that they’ll just stay here for a little bit until he did finish. 

Well, he did end up finishing his drink. But they don’t actually end up leaving until well after that. Renjun only notices after the fact that whenever he lets himself get carried away by Jaemin’s company, he spends an absurd amount of time with him. His drink had been empty for an hour now, and both of them were still sitting next to the window in the cafe, talking to each other like great friends. Great friends who flirt. Jaemin was notorious for this, and when Renjun would kick him and tell him to stop playing around so much. Jaemin would always reply with a  _ why? I like seeing you flustered _ . It made Renjun even more flustered, but he didn’t show it. Instead, he’d always roll his eyes and stick out a tongue at the boy. 

Jaemin told Renjun about how great his soccer practice went today, but he left out the part where his coach confronted him. He was still confused about what the coach meant by  _ motivation _ . Actually, he wasn’t confused by what he meant. He was confused on what made his coach think that. It bothered Jaemin, but he pushed it in the back of his mind for now, rather preferring to spend this time in the company of his  _ friend _ . 

Renjun, on the other hand, tried to shove his inner curiosities in the back of his head, but failed. Even though he was having a great conversation with Jaemin about whatever decides to come to their minds, in his head he cannot stop thinking about asking Jaemin about the whole kissing conundrum. He knew the best thing was to not ask at  _ all _ , to avoid potential awkwardness. But the devil on his shoulder was chanting in Renjun’s ear  _ ask him ask him ask him ask him ask him _ like a mantra over and over again. 

Jaemin liked to say whatever was on his mind. Currently, he was telling Renjun a recount of what happened earlier at his lunch table, “So you can’t tell anyone this, okay Renjun?”

“Of course,” Renjun made a motion to zip up his lips. 

“So,” Jaemin leaned forward, hands clasped on the table, “Jisung has the  _ fattest _ crush on your friend, Chenle. And s-”

Renjun shrieked, jumping up from his seat and Jaemin waved his arms around in a panic telling Renjun to sit back down. Renjun exclaimed, “Are you fucking kidding me? Chenle has been talking about that kid  _ nonstop _ since I’ve met him. Everyday, it’s always Jisung this or Jisung that. Oh my god, so now you’re telling me it’s reciprocated?”

Jaemin’s face lit up in a way as if he knew the exact same feeling, “Jisung does that too. It doesn’t help that he talks fifty words a second. But yeah, I guess it’s reciprocated.” He smiled knowing his friend’s cute little crush was not unrequited. 

Renjun did not know how he was going to hold in this secret from Chenle. He was stoked for his friend. “Anyways, you were saying?”

“Right,” Jaemin continued, “So you know the dance our school is hosting for Senior Spring?”

“Mmhm,” Renjun nodded. He had seen posters here and there, but since none of his friends had been asked yet, they never really talked about attending, although just about every senior was.

“So the plan is,” he explained, “Jisung is going to ask Chenle to the dance. Last minute, I know. But he’s only recently worked up the courage. And near the end, he’s going to put a song request in for “Puzzle Piece,” you know that song Chenle sung at the talent show last year?”

“Um, I wasn’t at Daejun High last year,” Renjun reminded him.

“Oh...right” Jaemin realized, pursing his lips, “Well anyways, Chenle sang that song at the talent show last year. So Jisung is going to slow dance with him to that song, and at the end, it’s so cheesy, but he’s going to kiss him. I think it’s adorable, don’t you?” 

Renjun laughed at how sweet and innocent it was, “That is so precious! Chenle would love that, but if I’m being honest here, Jisung doesn’t strike me as the type to plan all of this out for just a kiss.”

Jaemin smiled and sat back, “He’s a lot more innocent than the rest of us, I can tell you that.”

Renjun bit his bottom lip.  _ This is the perfect opportunity, Renjun. Do it. Do it. _ His head devil spoke. His conscience, however, screamed at it to shut up, reminding him how weird of a conversation that would be.  _ Fucking do it, coward _ . Renjun got mad at his own head for calling him a coward and it convinced him.

“Say…” Renjun started, fingering the coaster for his drink, “Jaemin, speaking of kissing, can I ask you something?"

"Go for it."

"When’s the last time you’ve kissed someone?” Renjun asked, trying to make it seem casual.

Jaemin snorted, “Why?” 

“Just curious,” Renjun said nonchalantly. 

Jaemin pretended to think on it, bringing a hand up to massage his chin, “Hmm, I don’t know, Renjun. You tell me. Some time like...yesterday perhaps?”

Renjun blushed at the memory. He definitely had not forgotten their kiss, and the thought of it still brought butterflies in his stomach. 

“Before that,” Renjun said exasperatedly, looking at Jaemin. 

Jaemin shifted in his seat, but not in an uncomfortable manner. It looked like a lightbulb went off in his brain, and he knew. He knew, and Renjun knew that he knew. Jaemin leaned back, draping one arm across the back. His facial expression changed into one of a canny smile, as if something clicked in his head and he suddenly understood. Jaemin’s eyebrow raised and he breathily chuckled. 

“They told you, didn’t they?” Jaemin asked, grinning mischievously as if he knows why Renjun was asking him this. He did. Renjun’s neck heated up. This was definitely as embarassing of a confrontation as he had imagined in his head. 

“Who’s they?”

Jaemin gestured all around him, “Literally any given person at our school, Renjun.” 

“Told me what?” Renjun pretended to play dumb, but he knew it was in vain.

Jaemin leaned forward again in his seat, pressed up against the table with his elbows both resting on it, “That I don’t usually let people kiss me or kiss other people. That you’re the first person I’ve kissed in a long time.” 

_ Well, fuck.  _ Renjun thought. Jaemin already outed him, so he might as well admit to it casually.  _ Act like it doesn’t matter Renjun. Act like it does n o t matter, or else he’ll think you think you’re special or something _ .

“Yeah, I heard,” Renjun said, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. The action didn’t go unnoticed. He tried to be lighthearted, “I was that irresistible, huh.”

Jaemin was looking up through his hair at Renjun with an almost teasing grin, “Renjun, just say what you want to say. You want to ask me why I kissed you.” 

Renjun took in a breath. It seemed like Jaemin could see through  _ everything _ that he was doing, and it felt like being naked. Like he had no protection and was forced to be completely honest. 

“Okay then, Jaemin. Why did you kiss me?” Renjun asked, finally. He made sure not to show just how curious he actually was.

Jaemin smirked, “See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Renjun was getting a bit ticked, but he stayed silent. Jaemin then pursed his lips, head seeming to mull over the thought, and then he shrugged his shoulders.

“To be honest,” Jaemin said, “It was just because I felt like it.” Renjun could not sense whether that was truth or not, for Jaemin seemed to hesitate when saying it.

_ Then why don’t you feel like it with other people _ , Renjun thought, but he didn’t push it. Instead, he cocked his head to the side and smiled sarcastically, “So you just do what you feel like regardless of how it affects other people, huh.”

Renjun knew he chose the wrong words when suddenly, Jaemin cocked an eyebrow and lifted his chin up, “Are you saying it affected you, Renjun?”

“Are you saying it  _ didn’t  _ affect you?” Renjun spat back with a confident gaze, he tapped his fingers on the table.

Jaemin should have retorted quicker. But Renjun’s words got caught in his head and he dwelled on it for a moment too long. He thought back to practice. To what his Coach said as he gestured for Jaemin to turn and look at Huang Renjun’s retreating back.  _ Motivation _ . He thought about how at practice today was the first time he had ever felt a surge of power that  _ great _ during a play. How he had never been better than he was then. Jaemin thought on that for a moment, and then chalked it up to being caused by the extra strong coffee he had that morning before school. 

“You’re taking quite a bit to answer, Jaemin,” Renjun raised a delicate brow, “It’s making you look awfully suspicious.”

Jaemin shook his head, looking back at the smaller boy, and lied, “Sorry, it was a dumb question. I didn’t pay attention.”

Renjun bit the inside of his cheek. This was getting nowhere, and the only thing he was going to gain from finishing this conversation was more confusion and more painful feelings in his chest. He rolled his eyes at Jaemin’s response and grabbed his bag off the table, pushing his chair out.

“Well I guess if my questions are dumb and no one’s paying attention, then there’s no use of me being here anymore,” Renjun said as he got out of his chair, “You understood the calculus lesson, right?”

“Renjun, that’s not what I meant,” Jaemin spoke in a low, careful voice as he watched Renjun walk past. 

The smaller boy hummed in acknowledgement but still made his way to the door.  _ Fuck _ , Renjun thought, looking outside, it was already starting to drizzle. He could hear the soft pitter-pattering of the rain that he knew would only get louder and more intense. Although he loved the rain and all, he didn’t love his just-washed-hair getting wet again. It didn’t matter. He opened the door and stepped outside, immediately feeling the prick of falling droplets on his skin. He looked up towards the heavens, closing his eyes so water wouldn’t fall in. 

Behind him, the door opened again and Jaemin walked out, coming around to stand in front of him. Jaemin blocked his path while the skies above them cried, but Renjun didn't make a move to push him aside. He just stood there. It was like a scene from a movie. The sky was getting a greenish blue. Jaemin’s light pink hair looked darker when suddenly wet with rain water, and his clothes began sticking to his skin. He looked down at Renjun, who stared up at Jaemin.

“You just washed your hair a couple hours ago,” Renjun randomly pointed out, wondering why Jaemin wasn’t more careful about this.

Jaemin chuckled. Although the rain was growing louder, he could hear the beautiful sound clearly, “And so had you, Renjun.”

Renjun pursed his lips. That was true. They stood there, under the incoming storm, covered in a blanket of the heaven's tears. Jaemin’s car was in the parking lot down the street, but neither of them made a move. Renjun wasn’t sure if he even wanted a ride back with Jaemin. But he hated leaving things off with the boy like this even more, and besides, he still had his tennis bag in there. He was still upset by Jaemin’s aloofness and how he always answered Renjun’s questions cryptically, if he ever answered at all. It seemed like Jaemin knew Renjun was still thinking about this, because his next question hit deep.

“When are you going to stop asking me questions that you don’t actually want to know the answer to, Renjun?” Jaemin asked, looking down at the pretty boy with the light blonde hair, face glazed with rainwater. 

Renjun stared up at Jaemin. Droplets of water were dripping from his pink locks, and his thin clothes were drenched. He could see the outlines of Jaemin’s abs through them. His eyes were piercing as they looked towards Renjun for an answer. It was like he didn’t even care about the storm about to happen. About the coldness of the rain pellets on their skin. About the powerful wind threatening to knock the world over. Or the terrifying ocean waves not far from their right. All he could see was Renjun.

He thought about Jaemin’s question. It was as if the pink-haired boy knew his thoughts, knew his soul, knew why he asks, and knows his feelings. It was terrifying, because if that was the case, then it meant that Jaemin for sure did not feel the same way judging by his reactions.  _...questions that you don’t actually want to know the answers to, Renjun _ . Jaemin was right, wasn’t he. He thought to himself. If what Jaemin was implying is true, then he wouldn’t want to know, would he? Renjun decided to stop the facade of being upset. He knew that at some point, Jaemin would have knocked it down again anyhow, might as well be sooner than later. 

“Now,” Renjun replied, meeting Jaemin in the eyes. His brown orbs capture Renjun’s soul and Renjun wonders how he ever thought it would be possible to not have fallen for him. He was a fool for thinking that. 

“Good,” Jaemin replied with a smile that urged Renjun to be okay. He reached out for Renjun's cheek, as if the boy was precious, "You need to just take my actions as kindness and friendship, and leave it be."  


Renjun pursed his lips, knowing that Jaemin was correct, "Right."

Jaemin then looked up at the sky, allowing the rain to hit his face. It dripped down his neck, through his shirt, back onto the ground. Around them, the streets were empty of pedestrians and cars, for no one actually wanted to go out in this weather. Only the people who worked inside of the shops remained, but even they were cleaning down tops getting ready to close for the evening. The static sound of rain got louder, and they knew they should move, but they didn’t. 

Jaemin then looked back down at his friend, “So what now? You’re going to come with me or what?”

Renjun snickered, wiping his face from the water with his sleeve, “Do I have a choice?” 

Jaemin shook his head and ruffled Renjun’s hair, “Absolutely not. I’m not letting you walk in this rain.” 

“I don’t need your permission,” Renjun retorted.

Jaemin nodded, “That’s true. But you  _ do _ need your tennis bag to be dry. And your backpack with all of your,,,you know, homework, and textbooks, and classwork, and notes, and permission slips, and sheet music, and sch-”

“Alright alright” Renjun laughed, “I’m coming.” 

  
  
  
  


“Fuck, I’m hungry,” Renjun muttered to himself on their way home. Both of the front seats were now soaked with rainwater from their bodies and their shoes squeaked against the floor mats. Outside, the rain had escalated quickly. Jaemin’s windshield wipers had to work fast to clear the water off of the car, just for it to cloud over again in mere seconds. It was a good thing that there were only a couple other cars on the streets of Sokcho though, for most people will already be home or still at work waiting out the storm. 

“Are your parents home?” Jaemin asked, focusing on the road. He turned up the heater in the car so that they wouldn’t freeze to death from the icy rain. 

Renjun shook his head with a sigh, “No, they’re in China. Chengdu is hosting some huge business conferences for rising markets. Yours?”

He looked over at Jaemin, who also shook his head no. Expected. One thing that Renjun and Jaemin could always bond a bit over was their loving but absent parents. The difficulty of juggling so much, and leaving some parts behind. When their parents _were_ home, it was precious and sweet. But fleeting. It was small moments like these where they didn’t have to say much to understand each other. Jaemin replied, “They’re in Seoul.” 

A beat of silence, and then Jaemin asked, “So you’re going to be home alone?”

He shrugged, “Yeah. It’s nothing new.”

Jaemin hummed, “Do you want to stay the night at my place then, instead?” 

Renjun looked over at Jaemin, confused at the sudden request. I mean, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal since they were just friends, but Jaemin didn’t seem like the type to have friendly company over often, “Are you afraid of thunder?”

Jaemin chuckled, “No, I’m not. I just thought that…” His voice suddenly got more meek and hesitant, “...maybe you could come over...and we could play video games and…”

Renjun’s heart swelled and he wanted to burst out laughing. Why was Na Jaemin, notorious flirt and confident prince of Sokcho, suddenly acting so shy at the notion of wanting to hang out. He was probably used to people asking him instead, Renjun thought. 

“...cook dinner, or watch a mov-”

Renjun interrupted, “Sure.”

Jaemin looked over, only for a second because the road needed to be paid attention to, “Wait, really?”

He snorted, “Why do you act so surprised and shy all of a sudden, Jaemin?” 

“Well, I usually have to have an excuse like a school project or needing help with something for you to actually let me casually hang out with you. That or I’d have to come to your house at midnight and beg you,” Jaemin explained with a shrug.

He laughed, “Jaemin you come over to my house to eat all my food and hog my room all the time.”

“True, but I always come saying I need to borrow your salt shaker or something.”

Renjun pursed his lips, “Okay yes that’s true.” 

Jaemin coughed as he turned the street, scared of hydroplaning, “You want to know something, Renjun?”

Renjun hummed in response, looking at the hilled road in front of them, with water sliding down the slope.

“I never thought I’d see you at Daejun High, but now that you’re here,” Jaemin started, “I’m glad.” 

Renjun smiled to himself, turning away so that Jaemin wouldn’t see. Jaemin would never understand what it felt like to hear that from someone you want so badly.

"It's like..." Jaemin's voice went soft and Renjun almost didn't hear him, "I'm getting a second chance."

_ A second _ _chance._ Renjun bit his lip as those words. Jaemin wanted a second chance. With Renjun. At friendship, he presumes. But nevertheless, Jaemin had been working towards a second chance the moment Renjun transfered to Daejun High. All this time, Jaemin hadn't forgotten. Renjun wasn't sure how to feel. 

  
  
  
  
  


Renjun looked at himself in the mirror of Jaemin’s spacious downstairs guest bathroom. He had taken a shower, changing out of his rain-soaked clothes and into a fresh set that Jaemin dug out of his own closet. The shirt smelled like the pink haired boy’s unmistakable scent: a deep, fresh scent that reminded him of ocean diamonds. The shirt was way too large on Renjun, as he had expected since he was Renjun and Jaemin was...Jaemin. With his tall stature, broad shoulders. Renjun was swallowed up in his clothes. 

His pretty legs peaked underneath the shirt, and he honestly looked like he was ready to seduce a crowd. He admit that he looked cute. Steam fogged the mirror from his shower, and it was getting suffocating. He grabbed his wet clothes and exited, heading towards the laundry room where he threw his clothes in the washing machine. The last time he was here, Jaemin had given him a quick tour of his home, and he was quick to pick up the layout. 4 bedrooms, although only two were used. One for him and one for his parents when they were home. 3 baths. It was a comfortable home, for sure, much like his own. Renjun wandered around while he waited for Jaemin, who was still upstairs showering. He could hear the faint noise of the faucet when he was quiet. The house was casted in a dark hue, aside from the occasional flash of thunder. He turned on the lights as he walked around, looking at the picture magnets on the kitchen fridge. Jaemin as a little kid kicking a soccer ball. His parents shaking hands with some person. Jaemin grown up in his professionally taken soccer photos. 

“What do you want to eat?” A voice sounded.

Renjun turned around, as Jaemin walked in, having showered and changed, with a towel draped around his shoulders. Jaemin then took a look at Renjun, and eyes trailed up and down Renjun’s body and he let out a small grin as he walked past.

“What,” Renjun narrowed his eyes. 

Jaemin let out a laugh as he poured himself a glass of water, “I’m sorry I didn’t have any clothes that fit you. You’re being eaten up by that shirt, Renjun.”

The smaller boy shook his head in understanding, “No it’s okay. I look cute.”

“Jesus, Renjun,” Jaemin snickered playfully, “Is there any modesty here?”

“I mean,” Renjun started and opened the fridge to ponder what to make. He was  _ hungry _ , “I don’t see anyone denying it, why should I?”

“Touché.” Jaemin admitted. 

Renjun noticed, Jaemin hadn’t denied it either. 

  
  


They ended up making grilled cheeses with tomato soup. Renjun had remembered having this for lunch the one time he went to New York for vacation a couple years ago. It turned out, as Renjun found out while they were cooking, that Jaemin had been to America for travel too; however, he was in Los Angeles, where he really didn’t eat anything else there but In-N-Out burgers that he could not find anywhere else.

Renjun screamed at Jaemin, shocking the other immensely, for suggesting they use processed cheese slices, calling it sacrilegious. ‘ _ What the fuck is wrong with you’ _ Renjun yelled, grabbing the cast iron pan ready to smack Jaemin with it. The pink haired boy backed up, hands out in front of him, ‘ _ Renjun, I honestly don’t see what the big problem is. _ ’

Renjun had grabbed his own hair in frustration, ‘ _ Making a grilled cheese with that horrible processed shit is doing a disservice to you, to your ancestors, and to humanity. _ ’

And that is how Jaemin found himself in a full rain-proof suit that covered everything except for his face and walking the short distance to the nearest convenience store in this ridiculous weather, all because Huang Renjun wanted to use what he called ‘ _ real cheeses’ _ instead. 

As he browsed the aisles, Jaemin grumbled under his breath, ‘ _ what the fuck is Swiss anyways. Gruyere? Colby jack?’ _

Jaemin honestly did not understand why Renjun had the power to make him go out and buy cheeses down the street while it was storming. But he figured it was probably the cast iron pan in the boy’s hand that he threatened to hit Jaemin with. 

It ended up being worth it completely. The blends of different gourmet cheeses combined with the buttered toast to produce an umami, robust flavor combination that was only enhanced when eaten with the tomato soup. They sat on the kitchen floor, impatient and not wanting to set the table. With their backs leaned up against the cabinets, they relished in the delicious dinner. Well, Renjun called it a dinner. Jaemin called it a snack. When they had finally eaten, Jaemin swore up and down that he would never eat processed cheese ever again. Renjun wholeheartedly supported that decision and proposed that the two of them start a petition to have the product banned as a whole in the entire country of Korea. 

Outside, the wind was ferocious and the thunder was pounding, but on the messy kitchen floor, grilled cheeses in hand and under the cozy kitchen lamps, the atmosphere was warm and safe. 

  
  
  
  


They spend the next couple of hours cooped up in Jaemin’s room. The only light was from his TV where his couch and gaming station was. It was enough to illuminate the room in whatever colors were showing on the screen. They played Red Dead Redemption together on Jaemin’s comfortable couch, a blanket spread across both of their legs. Jaemin got really into it, screaming at Renjun whenever something was wrong, causing Renjun to scream back in greater intensity. It was fun, but ultimately, it got into a full blown argument and they had to stop. Partially because they were laughing at the ridiculousness of it all and partially because someone might actually get slapped if they continued. The entire time, Jaemin had gotten up here and there to get more snacks for himself until he ultimately got full. When they stopped playing games, both went to brush their teeth knowing that they might forget if they put it off later into the night. 

Instead, Renjun put on a movie. Jaemin had never seen some of his favorite movies of all time, so he decided to hold him hostage and watch at least one of them before the night was over even though Jaemin really didn’t want to watch that one chick flick Renjun recommended. 

"You are going to watch White Chicks whether you like it or not," Renjun demanded.

"No, I literally am not," Jaemin insisted.

"I'll hold you hostage until you do," He threatened. 

“You can’t hold me hostage in my own house, Renjun. I am  _ not _ watching that,” Jaemin stated as a matter of fact. 

Renjun pursed his lips, and then made a bold decision. In his head, he was trying to justify himself.  _ I’m just doing my civic duty and making sure he watches this movie. Everyone needs to watch this movie. If I have to do this, then it’s what I have to do _ . He thought to himself before pulling himself off his spot on the couch and removing the blanket off of Jaemin’s lap. 

Instead, he replaced that now empty space on Jaemin’s lap with his own body, before pulling the blanket back on top of them. He just essentially sat himself on Na Jaemin’s lap, his back leaned up against Jaemin’s chest and his legs curled up in front of him. He could feel the strong body behind him and encasing him as he covered the both of them in blankets. 

“Well, now you can’t move,” Renjun said as he looked back and up at Jaemin who had a curious eyebrow raised. Renjun could tell Jaemin had no idea what to do by the way the boy was unsure where to place his hands, especially since he probably had not been expecting this in the slightest. The daring look on Jaemin’s face was enough to make Renjun go crazy.

Then Jaemin threw his head back in laughter before then wrapping his arms around Renjun’s small waist, putting his chin on Renjun’s shoulder, “This is definitely one way to do it.” He chuckled. 

Renjun could feel his body get hot feeling Jaemin’s deep, breathy voice on his shoulder, but he pushed that thought away as he played the movie.  _ I’m doing this so he has to watch the movie. Yup. That’s why. This was the only way. _ He thought to himself, but as he felt Jaemin’s strong arms loop tighter on his waist, pulling him in closer on his lap, Renjun decided  _ fuck it. I did it because I wanted to. _ Renjun had known full well Jaemin could’ve pushed him off if he wanted to. Hell, he could’ve done squats while carrying Renjun, so him sitting on his lap essentially did nothing. He just did it because he wanted to. Renjun had just needed an excuse. 

If Renjun was honest, the entire time the movie was playing, he could barely pay attention. How could he, when he was on his crush’s  _ lap. _ How could he, when Jaemin was nonchalantly rubbing circles into his waist. He knew Jaemin was not doing it consciously, but that didn’t make the effect any better on Renjun’s mind. Occasionally, he would remove one arm and place it on Renjun’s soft thighs, rubbing it a little as he talked. Renjun held in his breath when Jaemin did that, not sure whether he loved or hated it when Jaemin touched him like this and didn’t even know the effect he had. Even when Jaemin would comment on something in the movie, feeling his words spoken so closely to Renjun’s ear did something to him, distracting him from his words. It was one of his favorite movies, but it was awfully hard to watch when Jaemin’s scent was  _ everywhere _ around him. 

Occasionally, Renjun had to shift his weight or move his hip a little on Jaemin’s lap to get comfortable, unintentionally grinding into his body. His bottom accidentally pushing up against Jaemin’s hip and lap. 

And Jaemin would say in a low voice, that made Renjun almost want to do nasty things, “Careful, there.” 

It sent a burning, unsatiated feeling into his groin that he had to push away by intensely staring at the TV screen until every pixel seemed clear to him. Other than that, it was a sweet experience. Jaemin ended up enjoying the movie a lot more than he’d care to admit, but it was obvious from the way he reacted to everything. Or how he’d pause the whole movie when going on a rant about how  _ stupid _ one of the characters were being or how funny something was. Renjun was glad, but although the room was kept at a comfortable temperature, he needed a fan. 

When the movie was finished, Renjun climbed off of Jaemin’s lap in a hurry, needing some fresh personal space so he could collect himself. He laid back on the couch where he originally was, and looked over at the clock. 11 P.M. If this was a weekend, then that would not be extremely late by any means. However, it being a weekday and them both having school the next morning meant that they had to sleep earlier. 

Jaemin sighed, “Fuck. I have to try to sleep, since I can’t really be on my A-game during practice or the game if I’m exhausted.”

“Right, so why the long face?” Renjun asked. 

“Because I’ve barely been able to sleep the past few days. Last night, when I took you out to the mountain, we got home at 5 a.m., and then I had to wake up three hours later for school this morning,” Jaemin explained, as he got up off the couch and headed towards his bed, turning the TV off. 

He climbed in under his silky maroon blankets. Now, the only light was a small orange night light in the corner of the room, enough to illuminate a sliver of their faces in a warm bask. Other than that, it was almost pitch black save for moonlight coming in through the window.

“You still seemed to play well at practice today,” Renjun offered some consolidation. 

Jaemin nodded, thinking back to his coach’s words. ‘ _ Motivation _ .’ The scene kept replaying through his head today and every time, Jaemin tried to make an excuse to why his coach was wrong, “I’m just afraid I won’t have that luck again.” 

Renjun smiled and got off the couch himself, “Then, we’ll just have to make sure you go to sleep.”

Jaemin chuckled while rubbing his face, “It’s not that easy, Renjun.” 

“It is if I give you some drugs,” Renjun offered with a small laugh. 

Jaemin shook his head amused before laying back, hands behind his head, staring up at his ceiling, “Anyways, the guest rooms are down the hallway. The bed in the leftmost one is the most comfortable though. Make yourself at ho-”

Before he could finish, Renjun already made up his mind and nonchalantly came over to the side of the bed, lifted the maroon blankets, and climbed right next to Na Jaemin, closing his eyes as he laid his head near Jaemin’s chest. Jaemin was surprised to say the least, although he would be lying if he said it was a bad one. He made room for Renjun to get closer and snuggle in. The boy laid a hand on Jaemin’s chest, scooting closer as per invitation.

“You don’t mind, do you?” Renjun inquired as if he wasn’t going crazy internally, “Your bed is comfortable.”

Jaemin looked down at the puff of whitish-blonde hair laying practically on his chest, “No, I don’t mind.” 

They lie like that for half an hour. Renjun could not sleep, but it was mostly because  _ Na Jaemin _ could not sleep. There was an occasional sigh and then a thrash of a leg here and there. Not to mention, the constant moving around was disrupting Renjun’s sleep mojo. 

The idea of that guest room was starting to look more appealing by the minute. Jaemin changed his position about a million times, waking Renjun up just as he was about to doze off. And then when he did just lay back, Jaemin kept on grumbling to himself. Talking under his breath and cursing everything around him.

Finally, Renjun decided to speak up, having quite enough of it.

“Can you, like, not?” Renjun asked, laying on one arm looking over at Jaemin. 

Jaemin turned his head to look at the smaller boy, looking exhausted and frustrated, “I can’t sleep.”

“Obviously.”

Jaemin gave him an apologetic look, “I’m sorry. Don’t be afraid to go to the guest room if it gets unbearable. I won’t get my feelings hurt.” He laughed. 

Renjun shook his head, still laying on his side, “No, I want to help. What’s the problem?”

Jaemin pursed his lips, as if he was contemplating whether or not to say. Renjun could tell too, by the way Jaemin seemed to mull over the thought in his head. 

“Whatever you’re thinking of possibly not telling me, you better tell me,” Renjun demanded, not taking his eyes off of Jaemin. 

Finally the boy sighed and looked back at Renjun, not tearing his eyes away as he spoke, “I usually don’t sleep in this...,” He looked down at his own fully clothed body, “...attire. So I just feel a little stuffy.” 

_ Oh _ , Renjun realized. Jaemin was one of  _ those _ people. The ones who only slept in boxers. And then he felt bad because Jaemin probably kept his clothes on because he didn’t expect Renjun to actually climb into bed with him.  _ Oh _ . 

“Oh…” Renjun said with realization, “Jaemin, you know I don’t mind, right?” 

Jaemin raised an eyebrow. Even in the very dim lighting, Renjun could see it. 

“You don’t.” Jaemin stated it like an answer, even though it was more of a question.

Renjun shook his head ‘no’ and to prove it, he lifted his head off of the arm he had been laying on until he was partially propped up and moved his free hand over, until his small fingers reached the bottom hem of Jaemin’s shirt. Jaemin didn’t react, but instead, didn’t break his stare, curious to see what Renjun would do. 

Renjun lifted the shirt, making sure to ‘accidentally’ run his hands over Jaemin’s toned abs as he pulled the fabric upwards. It was a slow process, but he wanted to be the one who stripped Jaemin. He liked the soft power it gave him. With more force and a little help from Jaemin who lifted his upper body slightly, Renjun was able to pull the shirt off and toss it over to the side where it fell on the floor. In the dark, Renjun could still see the prominent muscles defined on Jaemin’s body and he felt such a strong urge for more. God, his body was Renjun’s temple and Renjun could bask in its glory for days. He could barely think straight and it didn’t help that Jaemin did not stop staring him down, something blazing in his eyes. 

Renjun stared right back and then trailed his fingers not-so-innocently down Jaemin’s torso until his hands were under the blanket. He moved his fingers along the waistband of Jaemin’s sweatpants until he found the drawstrings which were still tied together. He played with the strings a little bit.

His eyes flickered up to meet Jaemin’s own, which were boring into him with his lips parted slightly. Renjun asked in almost a whisper, “You want this off?” 

Jaemin let out a breathy chuckle as he turned his head back to look at the ceiling once more, not sure what to make of what’s happening but knowing he didn’t want to stop Renjun, “Go ahead.” 

Renjun took hold of the ends of Jaemin’s drawstrings and pulled on them, making sure that he didn't graze  _ something else _ through the fabric. His fingers looped around the knot and twirled it around, pulling here and there, until it became loose. Renjun was enjoying this way too much and needed to get it over with. Renjun slowly got up in a sitting position where he could take a hold of Jaemin’s sweatpants and carefully slip them off. Jaemin pulled himself up to sit also and helped Renjun out by kicking the pants off of his muscular legs. 

Before Renjun could sit back down, Jaemin reached over and took a hold of his hips. In one quick move that left Renjun unable to function, Jaemin pulled Renjun close and then  _ almost _ pushed him roughly with his back against the bed, with Jaemin’s body following on top. His space was suddenly overwhelmed with the presence of Na Jaemin’s body on top of him, almost raking it up hungrily. Friends don’t do this, Renjun thought to himself.

“Jaemin, what are you doing,” Renjun let out, barely making words form. 

Jaemin was on top of the smaller boy, head buried into Renjun’s shirt as he moved up on the boy's body, taking in a deep whiff as he breathed out, “Getting comfortable.”

His hands were trailing up to rest on Renjun’s waist and Renjun honestly had no idea what to make of this. Renjun’s arms reached up to hold onto his shoulders as Jaemin laid on top of Renjun now, face shoved into the crook of the smaller boy’s shoulder, so close to his neck. He tangled their legs together. Renjun’s hands on his bare back was nice, and he tried not to think about the fact that Jaemin was practically naked and laying on top of him right now.

“Is this comfortable?” Renjun asked quietly, heart racing and he tried to push the feeling in his groin away. 

Jaemin then moved his lips near Renjun’s ear, and it sent shivers down his spine when Jaemin spoke, “Very.” 

That night, Jaemin slept better than he ever had. 

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


Renjun wasn’t going to lie. It felt good to pull up to the school in Jaemin’s car. Jaemin had let him drive that morning, but very hesitantly. And the entire time Renjun was behind the wheels, Jaemin had been freaking out over every hard break or extreme turn. Renjun would just roll his eyes and tell him to relax. 

“I told you we’d make it,” Renjun stuck out his tongue as they both exited the car parking lot and headed towards the entrance of Daejun High. 

“Barely,” Jaemin grumbled to himself, and he stuffed his keys back into the pocket of his uniform. His hair was messily styled up today, for he hadn’t had too much time at home since he ended up waking up  _ way _ too late, on top of a small body that was  _ way _ too comfortable and way too nice. In fact, Jaemin had started to notice everything about Renjun was  _ way _ too nice. His hair, his eyes, his lips. But if Jaemin was only talking about Renjun’s appearance, then there would not be much of a problem to talk about. Jaemin wasn’t going to deny his friend was a beauty. But no, that wasn’t it. It was the fact that Jaemin also found Renjun’s laugh to be nice, his humor, his witty remarks, the sweet gestures he sometimes did to be  _ way _ too effective.  _ That _ was what concerned Na Jaemin. Jaemin shook his head. He just needed to distract himself with something else. 

Renjun could see the eyes of some students on the two of them as they walked to the school from the parking lot together. It wasn’t new. He looked over to Jaemin, who didn’t seem fazed by it in the slightest. 

He shook his head and tsked to himself. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“Guys, Park Jisung fucking asked me to the Senior Spring dance,” Chenle almost screamed when they got to their usual table. 

Renjun pretended to be surprised and their entire friend group began to freak out on behalf of Chenle, who still had not seem to come down from the high of being asked to the dance by his long-time crush. Renjun was extremely happy for his friend, but felt a twinge of sadness as he realized that Chenle had the reciprocation of feelings that Renjun suspects that he’ll never be able to feel as long as Na Jaemin was around. Seeing Chenle high off of life from knowing that his crush likes him back, Renjun wondered what it felt like. He was so focused on his thoughts that Renjun hadn’t even noticed when all of his friends turned to look at him.

Renjun snapped out of his thoughts, “Wait, what? Sorry guys, I zoned out.”

“We were asking who you were going with,” Kun piped up. 

Renjun was confused, “To...the dance?”

“Yes, Loony Jun,” Donghyuck teased, “Kun is going with Taeyong, Chenle with Jisung, and I’m going with Mark. Your turn.”

“Wait,” Renjun slammed his hands on the table, “Mark asked you to go?”

“Renjun, I just said this already.”

“Since when? Why is their entire friend group involved with us? Why is this happening?” Renjun freaked out. 

Donghyuck laughed, “Renjun, calm down. And take your pick, Jeno or Jaemin.” 

Before Renjun could say anything, Kun interrupted, “Oh, speaking of Jaemin, why did you go to school with him this morning? Everyone saw.”

Renjun twirled his fork around his school lunch. He usually packed his own from home, but since he had spent the night at Jaemin’s house, he didn’t really have the opportunity to. He told his friends what had happened, per usual. Kun had already pestered him the entire time in English earlier about why he had come to school in Jaemin’s car, but Renjun had told him to wait and that he’d tell the whole group at lunch. After Renjun told them, he was met with incredulous looks.

“So you undressed him, and then he got all over you and you guys went to sleep together?” Chenle went over it, “And you’re still saying that he doesn’t want to fuck your brains out and then make your breakfast for you afterwards?” 

Renjun gaped his mouth like a fish, “ _ Yes,  _ that’s exactly what I’m saying. He...he told me to stop asking him questions I don’t want to know the answers to. If he said that, then it means he doesn’t feel that way, right?”

Kun made an exasperated sound, “Words don’t always necessarily correlate with actions, Junnie.” 

“Anyways,” Donghyuck dragged out the word, “Get a date, Renjun.”

“But it’s so...last minute.”

“And? You have two people wrapped around your finger. I’m sure that won’t be a problem.”

“ _ One _ , Hyuck, I have  _ one _ . And Jeno is not wrapped around my finger.”

“Righhhttt.”

  
  


From a distance, Lee Jeno was stealing glances at Renjun, wondering what the boy was talking about as he huddled close to his friends as if telling them a secret. It seemed as if Park Jisung noticed Jeno’s constant looks, for the boy then piped up to their group, interrupting whatever conversation Mark and Jaemin were having. 

“Jeno, are you going to tell Renjun you like him, or are you just going to eye-fuck him all lunch,” Jisung said while shoving rice in his mouth. The conversation topic definitely caught the attention of their whole table, who were now staring over at Jeno. 

Jeno pulled his attention away from Renjun and looked over at Jisung, shrugging his shoulders, “I already had.” 

This time, another voice came in, “What?” Jaemin asked from beside him. When Jeno turned, his friend was giving him a curious look, but also a confused one. Jeno felt a bit of rage brew in his stomach. The fact that Jaemin had what he wanted, and did nothing about it infuriated him. Jeno loved his best friend. But he couldn’t help but feel a green jealousy in his head. 

Jeno looked Jaemin straight in the eye as he spoke, “I told Renjun I liked him.”

Jaemin nodded while pursing his lips, thinking on it, “And what did he say?” 

Jeno didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want to admit that Renjun had his heart somewhere else. Not when Jeno still had hope he still had a chance. It was a good thing that before he was going to say something, Mark snapped his fingers as if he just remembered something. 

“Oh! Speaking of Renjun, I was going to ask,” Mark turned to Na Jaemin, who had still not taken his attention off of Jeno, “You seem pretty close with him. What’s up with that?” 

Now, Jaemin turned his gaze away and looked at his drink, palming it around his hands, “He’s a good friend.”

Jeno clapped, “Good friend, huh? Since you’re a good friend of his, do you mind putting in a good word for me?” At this point, Jeno knew he was taunting Jaemin, but he couldn’t stop.

Jaemin took a moment to reply, but when he did, it sounded almost bitter, “Of course.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Renjun was talking out loud, trying to memorize the names of the Qin dynasty rulers of China. It was difficult, which was ironic since Renjun was literally born in China. He and Jeno were in their usual classroom during their free period. Jeno didn’t actually have work to do that day since he had already finished up his part of the studying, so he was just sitting there trying to distract Renjun every other minute. Renjun didn’t mind too much. Since Jeno’s confession, Renjun expected them to be a lot more awkward, but it was the opposite. Jeno kept up his antics and did his best to woo Renjun. Renun, however, would be more careful with his replies, knowing that he couldn’t joke around with Jeno’s feelings. Sometimes though, he’d humor the boy, who insists that Renjun not act shy around him. 

“Renjun, you need a break. You’re going to break your brain if you keep on trying to memorize all those old dead people,” Jeno complained, wanting Renjun to keep him company.

The boy sighed and sat back in agreement, “You’re right. But I can’t believe I’m this bad at it. It’s literally my own birth country! Mandarin is my mother tongue” He said while waving his arms in the air. 

Jeno laughed, “So? Korean is my native language, and I still get tongue-tied when I look at you.”

Renjun shot him a dirty look and shook his head in disapproval, “Jeno, do you enjoy being like this? Flirting with me like it’s your life source”

“Yep.”

“Don’t you get tired of doing this to yourself,” Renjun asked, resting his chin on the palm of his hand.

Jeno shrugged, “I still think I have a chance, so why not?” 

Renjun sat back into his seat and smiled at the boy, incredulous that Jeno was still trying. Lee Jeno was one hell of an attractive man, and Renjun knows this. He felt almost bad for not being able to like him back in the way Jeno wanted him too. If Jeno had been just a stranger looking for a one night stand, Renjun would have gladly given in. But no, this was his friend. His friend who was very attractive but who he was unfortunately could not want in the same way. . He had to give it to Jeno for being resilient. 

“How about you, Renjun?” Jeno then asked, “Don’t you get tired of doing the same thing to yourself?”

“Hm?” 

Jeno then scooted his chair closer, resting his chin on a closed hand, “Wanting someone who you don’t have? Don’t you get frustrated?” 

Renjun sighed. Jeno was the last person he wanted to have this conversation with, “I mean, yes. But there’s no use being upse-”

“I don’t mean  _ that _ kind of frustration,” Jeno interrupted. In his eyes, Renjun saw something different. Something hungry. Jeno continued, “Tell me Renjun, Jaemin goes out and does whatever the fuck he wants. But don’t you get sexually frustrated too? How is that fair?” 

Renjun narrowed his eyes, “I mean, of course I am. But if I wanted to go out and have sex with someone, I will. It’s j-”

“But you don’t. You say you would, but you don’t.,” Jeno interrupted once more. He had a habit of doing that, “Why not. You’ve told me before that you’ve accepted that Jaemin will never like you back. So why do you still suppress your urges?” He sat back. Jeno was playing a game, Renjun realized, and it was working. 

“I…” Renjun started, “...don’t know.”

That was the answer Jeno wanted, “Renjun, do you find me attractive?”

Renjun was shocked at the sudden question, “What?”

“Do you find me attractive?” Jeno’s voice was commanding of an answer. 

Renjun bit his lip, confused at the sudden inquiry. But nevertheless, he answered, “Yes, Jeno, I do. But I don’t understand how that has to do with anyth-”

“Then I can help you out when you’re frustrated,” Jeno said with a sure, confident voice, “If you’d let me.”

Renjun’s mouth gaped open, and he was at a lost for words. Lee Jeno had just offered to help satiate his sexual needs.  _ One  _ of the most attractive men in the entire school had just offered to be used to help him out. What the fuck was Renjun supposed to even say to this. 

“Jeno, you  _ do _ know how ridiculous you sound, right?” 

Jeno shrugged, “Do I? Think about it. I want you. And if nothing else, you'd enjoy me physically. Can’t I just have that?” 

Renjun could not believe what he was hearing, “Jeno, I could never do that to you knowing that you want more.”

Jeno pursed his lips, as if trying to hold back frustration, “Renjun, I told you several times now that I don’t care.”

_ But do you actually _ , Renjun wanted to ask, but he didn’t. Nothing was said between them for a couple moments. 

And then Jeno sat back up in his seat and tucked a strand of hair behind Renjun’s ear, “Just think on it, will you? In the meanwhile, let me ask you. Do you have a date to Senior Spring?” 

Renjun bit his lip and thought about what his friends had said earlier.  _ Get a date, Renjun _ , but he was hesitant, “I do not.”

Jeno looked genuinely surprised, “Are you kidding me? How do  _ you _ of all people not have a date?” 

Renjun blushed at that and shrugged his shoulders, “No one’s asked.”

“Well,” Jeno said, “Can I take you to the Senior Spring, Renjun? As friends?”

Jeno spoke again before Renjun could even formulate a response, “And before you say no, you should know that Na Jaemin already has a date. If for no other reason, you should come with me so that you arrive with the hottest man at Daejun High. Or in your case,” Jeno rolled his eyes, “The second hottest, after your precious Jaemin.” 

Renjun laughed at the sarcasm, “You’re one of his best friends, yet it sounds like you hate his guts.” 

Renjun laughed to mask the slight jealousy he felt to find out that Jaemin was going to be at the dance in tow with someone else. But of course, what had he been thinking. Of course, Jaemin was going to have a beautiful date to the dance. It was Jaemin, after all. Still, it didn’t hurt less. He didn’t let it show. Not in front of Jeno, who already made it clear he wanted Renjun to give in to him. 

Jeno shook his head, “I love him like a brother. But even brothers occasionally need something to fight over.”

Renjun gave Jeno an endearing smile, and Jeno wished he would stop looking at him like that, “Jeno, if I go with you, it’s not going to be to make Jaemin jealous. It’ll be because you’re my friend.” 

Jeno gave him a wide smile, “So you’re coming with me?”

Renjun shrugged, “I guess so.” 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


That evening, Jaemin arrives at the dock before Renjun does, which was strange since it was usually the other way around. As Renjun made his way down towards the pier’s edge where Jaemin was standing with his hands in his pockets, he was surprised to see that the pink haired boy had arrived first. 

“Jaemin?” Renjun asked, prompting the other boy to turn around, “You’re here early.”

Jaemin went up to him until they were barely a foot apart. At this distance, their height difference was prominent, and Renjun looked up at his friend curiously. Jaemin looked as if he had something plaguing his thoughts. 

Jaemin then recounted, “Remember that time you told me that your day hadn’t been that great? And I said ‘is someone bothering you? Let’s go fuck them up’ And you said ‘No, trust me. You wouldn’t want to hurt this person.?”

“Yes?” Renjun replied cautiously. He was rubbing his arms slightly to protect himself from the chilly after-storm breeze. Jaemin must have noticed, because he quickly peeled off his own jacket and draped it around Renjun’s shoulders, as if it was instinct. Renjun hugged it tightly around him, smiling at his friend who still seemed so distracted. 

“Was it because that person was Jeno? Was it him who confessed to you that day?” Jaemin then asked, looking curiously at Renjun.

Renjun’s lips parted. There was no way Jaemin could have known that unless Jeno told him or if one of Renjun’s friends told him. But none of his friends were particularly close to Jaemin, so it must have been the first option. 

“Yes, but,” Renjun spoke cautiously, pulling the jacket around him tighter, “how did you know?”

Jaemin looked away for a moment, tonguing his cheek, “He told me. And what did you tell him?” 

Renjun raised a confused eyebrow, not sure why Jaemin was suddenly so curious about Jeno’s confession, especially when Jaemin could have easily asked Jeno himself considering they were good friends. 

“Why do you want to know?” Renjun inquired, bringing Jaemin attention back to him. 

Jaemin pursed his lips, “I’m just curious.”

Renjun paused before replying, “I told him I just want to be friends.” 

For some reason, Jaemin almost seemed to look relieved, for some clear tension fell out of his shoulders and he seemed more relaxed now, running a hand through his own hair. 

It was Renjun’s turn to ask uncomfortable questions, “Jaemin, who are you going to the dance with?” Renjun didn’t meet his eye as he asked, but instead stared at the lamp post in the corner of his vision. 

“Yoon Minah,” Jaemin said, as he stepped closer. At the sudden closeness, Renjun looked at Jaemin with caution, but Jaemin continued, “Why do you want to know?”

Renjun slowly repeated his words back to him, “I’m just curious.”

Jaemin nodded at that, knowing he wasn’t going to get anything else out of his friend. He had asked Yoon Minah almost in a panic. He needed to get his mind off of why Renjun felt so different to him, why his body felt so special when he held Renjun, why his laugh made his heart swell, and it was by coincidence that Yoon Minah hadn't gotten a date yet. So he had asked. 

Jaemin then questioned, “How about you, Renjun. Who are you going with?”

Renjun hesitated, holding his tongue. Then he smiled up at his friend, “You’ll see.” 

Jaemin wondered why Renjun wouldn’t tell him. Usually, Renjun had no problems telling him minor details about his everyday life, so he was especially curious as to why Renjun decided to make him wait for this one. He wanted to pressure Renjun into telling him, but he didn’t.

They stood on the dock, facing each other and figuring they were a little too close, Renjun stepped back a moment. 

“So, are you going on a ride today?” Jaemin asked, swaying in place. 

Renjun laughed, “Jaemin, do you think I’m here everyday just to see you or something?” 

Jaemin was about to reply, but Renjun continued, teasingly, “Because you’re right.” 

Jaemin seemed to pause whatever was going on his head and looked at Renjun in a surprised, but happy shock. He stayed like this for a second before Jaemin bursted out in a bright, and cheerful laugh, “Renjun, were you flirting with me just now?” He said while pointing at himself as if he was the luckiest man in the world. 

Renjun smiled at how happy he looked, “Maybe I was.” 

Jaemin shook his head and brought a hand up to his own face to comb over his mouth, “You have  _ got _ to do that more often, Renjun.”

Flicking Jaemin’s forehead with his fingers, Renjun played, “Just savor it now, Nana. It won’t happen often.” 

Renjun hadn’t meant to let the nickname slip out again, but it just had naturally, and when Jaemin heard it, Renjun could see something shine in his eyes and Jaemin slightly bit on his lip while grinning. 

“You know I love it when you call me that,” Jaemin said while holding his head high. 

Renjun massaged his forehead in regret, “Yes, I sure do know.” 

“So will you come on a ride with me? For old time’s sake?”

Renjun shook his head dejectedly with a sorry smile, “Forget it, Jaemin.”

“Then…” Jaemin said slowly as he stepped forward, “How about you come home with me?”

Renjun raised an eyebrow, “Again? Don’t you have other friends?”

The pink-haired boy shrugged, “Yes, but I’m not asking them, am I? I’m asking you.”

Renjun felt his heart jump out of his chest at that comment, and he almost felt like giving into Na Jaemin, “Why?”

“Why does it have to be any other reason than me just wanting to hang out with you, Renjun,” Jaemin asked as if tired, and then he looked over to the side and said in a small voice that Renjun barely made out, “And...because I sleep better when you’re around.” 

Renjun laughed, hands on his knees as he looked up at his friend who only looked more embarrassed, “Is it because I’m exhausting?”

Jaemin chuckled now, “A bit, so how about it?”

Renjun thought about it, moving his lips to the side, then looked at his clock, “I’ll see you in an hour. Keep time, so you don’t have to stand on the pier aimlessly waiting, you idiot.” 

Renjun walked away with a smile on his face. He hadn’t even realized that once again, he had given in to Na Jaemin. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Hand me the toner,” Renjun requested, reaching his hands out. 

“You’re literally going to make your hair fall out, Renjun. Why are you dying your hair at home,” Jaemin refused. 

Renjun gave him a death glare, causing Jaemin to give in and toss him the sponge. When they had gotten to Jaemin’s house, both boys were too lazy to cook and ended up ordering delivery. But that was not before they fought over what cuisine they wanted. Renjun was about to get into a fist fight over wanting Japanese food, but he was unmatched to Jaemin, who was  _ also _ about to get into a fist fight over wanting Italian food. At the end, neither were willing to compromise so they ended up buying both. Jaemin practically inhaled an order of creamy chicken fettuccine alfredo with a side of mozzarella sticks and a meatball sub. Renjun had watched in horror as Jaemin finished everything and still wanted dessert. Renjun, on the other hand, just ordered two rolls of sushi and a bowl of tempura udon, which was more than enough for him. 

So now, it was 10 PM and they had finished watching two episodes of Game of Thrones. This time, Renjun didn’t try to make an excuse to sit on Jaemin’s lap. He just did it. The pink-haired boy didn’t seem to mind too much, for his hands instinctly reach around to hold Renjun’s body as they lay back on his couch watching the show. 

Now, they were sitting in front of Jaemin’s bathroom, Renjun had the brilliant idea that he wanted to use a toner over his already white-ish blonde hair to produce a shiny silver sheen. His inspiration? Daenerys Targaryen. Jaemin had told him it was a horrible idea to do it at home, at 10 PM on a school night.  _ What if all of your hair falls off and you have to go to school tomorrow bald? _ Jaemin urged. Renjun rolled his eyes,  _ Then I’ll be the hottest bald bitch at Daejun High.  _ With a bottle of silver toner in hand, Renjun began brushing it, massaging the formula through his hair. Jaemin could only watch and tsk. Jaemin sat on top of his sink table, watching as Renjun was possibly making a bad decision, and then waited out the thirty minutes for the toner to settle in. Meanwhile, the two boys conversed about this and that, never failing to pull conversation out of the blue. At some point, Renjun had mentioned Jeno’s name and for some reason, Jaemin seemed hesitant to speak, but aside from that, it felt like the Jaemin that Renjun always knew and, he hates to admit it, love. 

Renjun’s timer for 30 minutes went off, and he hopped off the counter, heading towards the shower. 

Reaching down at the hem of his own shirt, about to pull it off his small body, Renjun stopped when he noticed Na Jaemin had yet to leave the bathroom. The pink haired boy was still sitting there, and was looking quite closely at him as if heavily distracted. 

Renjun gave him a sly smile, “What? You’re gonna stay and watch? I’ll put on a show.”

Jaemin felt something stir in him at the suggestion, but he hopped off the counter and shook his head almost menacingly, “Tempting.” He said before heading out, closing the door behind him. 

  
  
  


Na Jaemin did a double take when Renjun stepped out of the bathroom. He had spent  _ extra _ long in there, not only washing out the toner, but fishing around the cabinets for Jaemin’s hair dryer so he could blow dry his newly dyed hair. Jaemin didn’t say anything for a moment, just taking in the new look. If Renjun’s hair was pretty before, it was on another level now. The plain whitish blonde that he had before was now replaced with an illustrious, vibrant silver that looked subtle enough that Renjun didn’t end up looking like Jack Frost but just the right amount that it looked like his hair flashed a pearly silvery-white whenever he ran his fingers through the soft locks. The color made Renjun’s pale skin tone look even dewier, and his brown eyes and pink lips served as a good contrast. Renjun wasn’t sure what to make of Jaemin’s shocked silence.

“Do you not like it?” Renjun asked shyly.

Jaemin snapped out of his daze before giving Renjun an impressed smile, “Renjun, I didn’t think it was possible for you to get prettier than you already were.” 

Renjun’s face heat up from the comment and he came over to sit next to Jaemin and elbowed the boy, “I swear Jaemin, I didn’t think it was possible for you to get more obnoxiously flirtatious than you already were.”

“But I’m serious,” Jaemin then said, bringing a hand up to touch Renjun’s shiny hair, “It looks great.”

Renjun beamed, “Thank you, now apologize for underestimating me.” 

“I wholeheartedly,” Jaemin put a hand to his chest, “apologize.”

“I accept,” Renjun nodded before running his own hands through Jaemin’s light pink hair, “Your hair makes you look like Princess Bubblegum from that one show Adventure Time, but it works on you.”

Jaemin laughed and got himself up off the edge of his bed, strolling over to his large cherry-wood vanity that sat across from his bedroom, where all of his colognes, ties, and hair gels sat below a large, ornate mirror. Jaemin rested both of his hands on either sides of the table, looking at his reflection in the mirror. 

“What should I dye it next? I’m thinking I should do it when my roots grow out in a couple months,” Jaemin said while observing his hair. 

Renjun got up and walked towards where Jaemin was standing, and thought about it, “Maybe a light blue? Or you could go back to brown. I liked you in brown.” Renjun thought back to their painful summer, and how handsome Jaemin always looked with his regal brown hair and sharp features. He still did, if not more. 

Renjun then asked, “What made you dye it pink?”

Jaemin looked at Renjun through his reflection and then down at his collection of cologne. Renjun didn’t know why he had a collection, when he seemed to only use one. Jaemin seemed to hesitate when replying, “I was inspired.”

“By?” Renjun stepped closer until he was right behind Jaemin, front pressed up against Jaemin’s back. And Renjun moved to wrap his arms underneath Jaemin’s own arms which were resting far apart on top of the table. Renjun clasped his arms around his friend’s strong waist, essentially giving Jaemin a warm backhug. Renjun’s head rested gently on the side of Jaemin’s shoulder, staring at the two of them in the reflection. Jaemin large in stature. Renjun small behind him. Jaemin looked down to his side where Renjun was resting his head nonchalantly, and was slightly amused at just how comfortable the boy was and just how outwardly sensual Renjun was being without thinking twice. Jaemin wondered if the boy knew what he was doing. 

Jaemin looked back in the reflection, meeting Renjun’s eyes in the mirror, “By sunsets during the summer.”

Renjun didn’t know what to say.  _ By sunsets during the summer.  _ Their summer. Their sunsets. Their memories. Every evening was spent on the waters, seas bobbing them up and down gently, their backs against the side of the boats as they watch the sun set in different shades in the sky: oranges, red, purples,  _ pinks _ . Huang Renjun was shocked. This was a testament that Na Jaemin remembered. He didn’t just forget. He remembered. But for some reason, Renjun, along with happiness, felt immense sadness. Because it meant that although Jaemin remembered, he didn’t do anything about it. 

Renjun whispered his next words, “Why?” 

This time, it was Jaemin who looked down, pursing his lips for a moment before finally admitting, “I wanted to keep a part of it with me.” 

_ Then you should have just kept...me... _ Renjun thought to himself, but he didn’t say it. He didn’t say anything, but instead he smiled. Jaemin must have caught it in the reflection, because he gave a small smile back, and if Renjun wasn’t imagining it, it was laced with a hint of sorry.

To lighten the mood a little bit, Renjun pretended to check his own face out in the mirror, arms still not letting go of Jaemin, “Damn, I look good.” 

Na Jaemin let out a laugh, “Again, no modesty whatsoever.”

Renjun rolled his eyes, “Says the guy who thinks he owns the school.” 

“I  _ do _ own the school,” Jaemin teased, although it would have still been true if he had been serious.

Renjun opened his mouth to protest but he really couldn’t. Jaemin really was the center of everything. 

“You’re not too bad yourself, Renjun,” Jaemin continued, “You moved here not too long ago and I already hear your name everywhere. You must have gotten a million people who asked you to Senior Spring. It must’ve been a tough choice.”

Renjun shook his head, “Actually no.”

“No?”

“To be honest, Jaemin. Every guy who’s hot, besides Jeno, thinks that I’m dating you since you cling onto me like a leech everywhere I go, so they don’t bother asking me out,” Renjun said with a pout.

Jaemin laughed, “You think Jeno’s hot?”

“Very,” Renjun said with a smirk. 

“More than me?” Jaemin asked with a raised brow. He was just playing around, but a part of him wanted to know. 

Renjun sighed dramatically, “I’m not going to inflate your ego any further.”

“So you  _ do _ think so,” Jaemin took the hint before grinning, and he continued, “Well, regardless, I guess it’s good that no other guys are trying to get with you. That means more time that you spend with me.” 

Renjun tsked to himself, “Don’t be so selfish, Nana,” Renjun teased before moving his hands up to the top of Jaemin’s loose white button up. Jaemin watched as the boy’s pretty fingers unbuttoned his shirt slowly, revealing more toned skin. 

Jaemin looked over to the side and down at Renjun, who was still staring in the mirror, watching where his hands went as he continued to unbutton Jaemin’s shirt. The pink-haired boy asked in a low and slow tone, “What are you doing,” but not stopping Renjun in the slightest.

“It’s 11 P.M...Bedtime.” The small boy whispered into Jaemin’s shoulder as he unloosened the last button, revealing Jaemin’s gorgeously carved abs that made Renjun’s knees go weak. Jaemin turned his attention back into the mirror, where he put his arms off of the table and let Renjun’s petite hands slide the shirt off of his body, letting it drop to the ground. Renjun made sure to let his hands linger on Jaemin’s back subtly, so that Jaemin didn’t think too much of it but he still got to feel the stone-like back muscles of Jaemin. 

Leaning once more against Jaemin’s back, he reached his arms around to the front, brushing against his torso a little too long, and rested his hands on Jaemin’s waistband of his pants. The pink haired boy had an almost dangerous look in his eyes and he suppressed some feelings in his body as Renjun’s hands undid his clothes almost  _ too _ sensually.

“You seem to enjoy this a lot, Renjun,” Jaemin breathed out. 

Renjun only hummed in reply, “Just trying to help.” 

Jaemin reached over in the corner all of a sudden and turned off all the lights in his room, leaving both of them in complete darkness. Turning around to Renjun, whose eyes were only starting to adjust to the darkness, and Jaemin rested his forehead against Renjun’s own, breaths almost too close for comfort. Renjun’s words got caught in his throat and he had no idea what to do, especially not when Jaemin then reached down to pick him up by his thighs, both hands on either sides of his upper legs as Renjun was lifted up. Out of instinct, Renjun wrapped his legs around Jaemin’s waist as the pink haired boy brought both of them to the edge of the bed before setting Renjun down on the sheets. He barely had time to settle before Na Jaemin’s body climbed in next to his and wrapped a tight but comforting arm around Renjun’s waist, pushing him down against the mattress until Jaemin was leaning over the smaller boy. 

“If you want it, just ask me,” Jaemin spoke in what sounded like the mix between a growl and a whisper, “There’s no need to play like this.” 

_ If you want it, just ask me _ . Those words almost made Renjun moan. Here Jaemin was, practically  _ offering _ Renjun his ‘ _ skills.’ _ And if Renjun was naive and  _ just _ horny, then he would have given in a long time ago. But he wasn’t. He was also a boy who had fallen in love with Na Jaemin, who wanted more than just sex. Who was not going to settle for being just a plaything for the other, or for being a pretty body that Jaemin could fuck into. Yes, Renjun wanted so badly to sleep with Jaemin, to feel him, to touch him in that way, but more than his lust is Renjun’s respect for himself. He was not going to give in to Jaemin if he wasn’t going to get the full package. He wanted the dates. He wanted the sweet and slow kisses. He wanted the long conversations and the love. He wasn’t going to settle for less than that. If he was going to have Jaemin, then he is only going to have him in that way. For now, he’d just have to settle for their strange dynamic, with their nightly cuddles and encounters at the pier. 

So Renjun pushed Jaemin off and on his back, until Renjun was propped up on his elbow hovering above Jaemin this time, silver hair falling over his eyes as he looked down on his friend. 

When Renjun spoke, it was with authority, “I don’t want  _ anything _ from you,” He lied, “Just take my actions as kindness and leave it be. After all, that’s what you always tell me to do, right?”

Jaemin looked back up at him, as if skeptical of Renjun’s claim but then he understood and gave the boy a comforting smile, “Right. I’m sorry. I stepped out of line.”

“You did,” Renjun nodded before slowly lowering himself on Jaemin’s chest, laying down in a comfortable position with his arm resting on his friend’s torso. 

Jaemin slowly moved his own arms to hold Renjun in that position, staring up at the ceiling as their breathing matched rhythm.

“You deserve a better friend than me,” Jaemin said, voice sincere but strong at the same time. 

Renjun laughed airily, face against Jaemin’s chest, “I do, don’t I?” He paused, “And yet, I’m still here.”

“And yet,” Jaemin repeated, “You’re still here.”

Silence. Renjun was still here, and he was growing more in love by the day, especially when the person who he dreamed of every night held him like this, looked at him like this, touched him like this, talked to him like this. 

And Renjun whispered then, in a small voice, “Goodnight, Nana.” 

Jaemin didn’t reply for a while. Renjun almost thought he had already fallen asleep, for it had to have been long minutes of pure silence. Renjun even forgot that Jaemin still had not replied until a long while later, he did. Jaemin must have thought Renjun had fallen asleep, and then he spoke. And upon hearing the words, Renjun closed his eyes and made himself believe he had been dreaming this whole time. It had to be a dream. 

“Goodnight, baby.” Jaemin almost whispered.

_ He’s just flirting, Renjun. He’s just mindlessly flirting.  _ The smaller thought to himself.  _ Don’t get your hopes up. He’s just flirting.  _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Another day, another piece of the Renjun and Jaemin drama unfolding,” Chenle exclaimed as Renjun finished telling them about what had happened last night. At the far table where Jaemin and his friends sat, the pink haired boy looked noticeably bright. The dark circles that had plagued his eyes from before were now gone, and instead, he looked rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. It was 3 days before the big soccer match, and he looked more ready than anyone. 

“It’s actually ridiculous how stupid both of you guys are being,” Donghyuck chimed in, “I seriously don’t get it.”

Renjun shrugged, taking a sip out of his water, “It’s complicated, guys.”

Chenle had a dreamy look in his eyes, “I don’t see what’s so complicated at all. It’s so  _ romantic. _ Mysterious and pretty transfer student and handsome soccer prodigy falls in love.”

Renjun was about to deny it when he was interrupted. 

“Speaking of soccer, are we going to the soccer pre-game party? It’s the night before the soccer game and someone on the team always hosts it” Kun asked, filing his nails instead of finishing his god awful sandwich. 

“Wait, isn’t that kind of bad?” Renjun asked curiously, “Why do they have a party the night  _ before _ a huge match. Shouldn’t they be resting? They’re already overpracticed at it is” 

“No, it’s not like that. Every year before their big games, they have what they call a dry party. No drugs. No alcohol. And only the player’s friends are invited, and a couple girls of course. I was invited the other day by Taeyong and they...,” Kun explained, gesturing to the others, “...were just invited today. The party is basically just to pump them up and get them energized.”

“Hm,” Renjun thought on it, “But I haven’t been invited.” 

“Yes you have,” Chenle insisted, “Jisung invited me in English class today, and he said to carry the message to you that you’re invited too.” 

“By who?” 

“Who do you think?” Chenle laughed, before gesturing his head at the table in the far left, “Your two lovebirds, of course.”

Renjun looked over to their table and then back at his friends, “So what I’m hearing is that tomorrow is the dance, and then the day after tomorrow is the party, and then the day after that is the game? Isn’t that a little too much for them?” 

Donghyuck shrugged, “They can handle it. They’ve always had.”

Renjun frowned, “That doesn’t mean they should.”

Renjun disliked how their schedules were so hectic. It was if there was no time to breath. He admitted it: he worried about Jaemin. With that in mind, Renjun devised a small little plan. 

  
  
  
  
  


Renjun had texted Jaemin right before his soccer practice started, telling the boy he wasn’t going to be at the dock today. Jaemin had texted back asking him where he was going to be instead, but Renjun decided not to reply. Instead, he found himself at home, rummaging through his belongings until he could find a certain two pairs of keys. When he had finally found them, he hurried and packed a bag before opening the garage. There, his barely driven 2018 Aston Martin Rapide in the color black sat. He barely drove it, despite it being his 18th birthday gift from his parents, but it was mostly because, one, he prefered to walk places, and two, he was scared of getting it scratched or dirty considering it was  _ quite _ expensive. 

But Renjun thought to himself, it’s now or never. 

He showed up at Na Jaemin’s house at 7 P.M. with a full tank of gas. The sun was still up since it was starting to set later and later by the day. Jaemin’s soccer practice had already ended and more likely than not, the boy would be home. As Renjun got out of his car, which he  _ very _ cautiously drove all the way here, he stared at the pretty and looming home before him.  _ You keep digging a deeper hole for yourself, Renjun _ , he thought to himself. But he walked up the driveway anyways. Bending down to pick up some small pebbles, Renjun aimed his sight at the far left window of the house, where Jaemin’s balcony was. He thought back to the night Jaemin had done the same thing to him. Being a pretty good tennis player, it didn’t take Renjun many tries to hit the window with some of the pebbles. He tried not to put too much force into it, or else he’d end up breaking the glass, but it was just enough that it would make a loud knock. He did this a couple more times, knowing that Jaemin was home. He saw his white Jaguar XF in the driveway.

Soon enough, Renjun saw the door to his balcony open up and stepping outside was the man himself, donned in a gray shirt and bleached blue jeans. My god, he was stunning, Renjun thought to himself. 

“Down here,” Renjun yelled while waving his arms. 

Jaemin noticed with a surprised look. But then his face broke out into a curious grin and he crossed his arms, leaning against the door of his balcony, “Why are you trying to break my window?” 

Renjun waved his hands in an X-formation, “No, no, no! You’re supposed to ask me the thing I asked you when you came to my house that one midnight. Remember? I was like ‘Na Jaemin, what are you doing here? It’s fucking midnight!’”

Jaemin laughed, throwing his head back and got into his acting mode, clearing his throat, “Huang Renjun, what are you doing here? It’s fucking…” He looked down at his watch, “...7 P.M.”

Renjun smiled, then gestured to his car parked on the side and mimicked what Jaemin had said that one night, “Coming to get you, obviously.”

Jaemin shook his head in delighted bewilderment, not sure what was happening but definitely enjoying it, “And where are you taking me?”

Renjun’s smile turned shy and he shrugged his shoulders, “I just heard that you have a busy couple days ahead of you. I just wanted today to be a little breather before we’re both swamped in activities.”

“So you’re skipping your daily boat rides to come take me somewhere?”

“Look,” Renjun yelled, “Are you coming or not?”   
Jaemin chuckled, before closing his door, bringing a single finger up to Renjun, suggesting that he wait. 

  
  


When Jaemin stepped across the lawn towards Renjun, the smaller boy could feel a sense of nervousness inside of him. He didn’t understand how no matter how many times he sees Na Jaemin, the initial butterflies are still the same. 

“This is a nice ass car, Renjun. It’s crazy that you never drive it,” Jaemin said as he ran his hand over the jet black hood of the Aston Martin. 

“I know right?” Renjun said proudly. 

“Where are the keys?”

Renjun dangled them up, “With me, of course.”

Jaemin gave him a challenging look, “You’re going to drive me, huh.” 

“I’ll try my best,” Renjun said almost sassily and climbed into the driver’s seat. He cracked his knuckles before holding the wheel as if he was mentally preparing himself, and Jaemin couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive? Your legs are a little...short,” Jaemin joked.

“Listen,” Renjun pointed a finger at him as he shifted into drive, “It’s not too late to drop you off.” 

  
  
  


Renjun drove for a while, and at first, it was a terrifying experience for the both of them. Since he didn’t drove often, the brakes of the car felt ultra sensitive, and he wasn’t used to the weight. When he stopped, it was a sudden stop. When he wanted to speed up, the car would lurch forward as he accelerated a little too quickly. Jaemin freaked out, yelling tips at the smaller boy every other turn until Renjun finally got the hang of it. After they got on the highway, Renjun’s panic subsided and his driving went a lot more smoothly. Jaemin even complimented him on it. His feet were getting used to how much force he should put on the gas, and he relaxed a bit more into the seat, letting the music play as the sun begins to set and Jaemin begins to rant about his day and whatever else is on his mind. Renjun joins him, and they were back in their usual habitat. It was a comfort Renjun never wanted to give up. Jaemin had asked him a couple times on the way where they were going, as they were going South of Sokcho for a while now, but Renjun would always give him cryptic hints that Jaemin, as smart as he was, would get frustrated at. 

About an hour later, Renjun took an exit and they go into a decently sized city, much smaller than Sokcho but still highly functioning since it was also a port-town. As they approached the welcome sign, Jaemin recognized the name. 

“Yangyanggan? Isn’t this where you moved from?” Jaemin asked, eyes lighting up with recognition.

Renjun nodded, “Yes. I visit once in a while to see my friends nowadays though. When I moved to Sokcho, I thought I’d beg to come back to Yangyanggan every day. But honestly, Sokcho grew on me faster than I thought it would.”

Jaemin ironically laughed, “Back in the summer, you used to hate Sokcho.”

“I did, didn’t I,” Renjun admitted, “Well, I can now say that Sokcho isn’t all that bad.”

Jaemin nodded with a smile, looking out the window at the traditionally designed but still modern homes, “This is a quiet place.”

“It is, which is why I took you here,” Renjun spoke, “You always told me how Sokcho can get suffocating. Well, we’re not in Sokcho anymore, are we?”

Jaemin chuckled in appreciation, “No, we aren’t.”

Renjun parks near the Yangyanggan dock, where he used to go everyday in the summer to meet Jaemin, and they both got out of the car. Most of the town’s necessities were gathered close to the beach and the dock. All of the ice cream shops, the restaurants, the homes: all were within walking distance of each other and all were also close to the shoreline. Since it was mostly a fishing town, they could see the boats near the shore, nets ready to catch profit. 

The two boys walk along the coast, shoulder to shoulder as they enjoy each other’s company. Renjun likes to poke fun at Jaemin, and Jaemin always appreciates the boy’s honesty. Jaemin likes to tell stories elaborately about this and that, and Renjun humors him with his own. Back in the summer, Renjun always imagined what it would be like to have Jaemin visit him in Yangyanggan like this. How Renjun would show him around their beautiful beach, and then around his town. He just never expected it to turn out like this, with them going together from Sokcho on a random school night. But he was not going to complain. Not when Jaemin puts an arm around his shoulder as they walked from the public beach to the streets of Yangyanggan. Not when Jaemin looks at him with eyes that speak deeper than the soul. Not when Jaemin gets so interested at everything Renjun wanted to say or every place he wanted to show him. 

Every shop was too familiar to Renjun, and the smaller boy tells Jaemin of any funny or interesting thing that he could think of about the place.  _ The woman who owns that store right there always gave me candy when I was a kid. But when I got older, she stopped because I started getting cavities. _ Renjun would say. Jaemin always listened attentively and adoringly at the small little stories that seem to enhance Renjun’s character a little bit more everytime. They walk around the streets like that for a while. For Renjun, it was like a nostalgia trip he was sharing with someone special to him. For Jaemin, it was a glimpse into the Renjun he never got to see, but always had been curious to know. He loved every second of it. 

When they got hungry later on, Renjun decided to drop by a restaurant that his friend Jungwoo worked at that sold greasy but  _ delicious _ pizzas. Upon walking in, they were both greeted with the delicious smell of fragrant cheeses and sweet, tangy tomato sauce on freshly baked dough. 

Upon seeing Jungwoo at the counter, Renjun yelled excitedly and waved. The honey-blonde boy in question jumped up and down and ran over, ditching his station to pull Renjun in a huge hug. They excitedly greet each other before Jungwoo turned over to look at the extremely handsome pink-haired boy that accompanied Renjun. 

Renjun introduced, “Jaemin this is Jungwoo. Jungwoo, this is Na Jaemin.”

Jungwoo’s eyes widened significantly, “Holy shit, you’re the guy Renjun always talked about over the summe-”

Renjun clamped a hand over his friend’s mouth and smiled sweetly at Jaemin, “Don’t mind him. He doesn’t know what he-’

But it was too late because Na Jaemin started laughing so hard that he could barely shake Jungwoo’s hand properly.

“Jungwoo, you’ll have to tell me more about that,” Jaemin said. 

Jungwoo pushed Renjun’s hand away long enough to yell, “I will!”

And then Jungwoo turned to Renjun, whose face had turned pink at this point, “My god, you weren’t kidding when you said he was hot.” 

Jaemin raised an eyebrow, and Renjun wanted to die inside. 

Renjun denied it, trying not to stutter and out himself, “No I fucking didn-”

“Oh stop lying,” Jungwoo exclaimed, “You totally wanted to fuck him. Remember? You were all like 'ohhh, I'd let Jaemin fuck the shit out of me' every day?”

Renjun did not think he could have been more embarrassed. 

Jungwoo turned to Jaemin this time and reiterated, “Renjun totally wanted to fuck you.”

Renjun hit his friend on the side of the head, “Jungwoo, do you enjoy doing this to me? We’ve been friends since we were two. And this is the treatment I get?”

Jungwoo rolled his eyes while laughing to himself, “You two go sit down.  _ Since _ we’ve been friends since we were two, Renjun, today’s meal is on the house. I already know your order, don’t bother. I’ll make two.” 

Renjun points at Jaemin while still looking at Jungwoo, “Thanks Woo! Make his a large because he eats like it’s his last meal!”

As they find a table in the left corner near the wall, Jaemin took the opportunity to tease Renjun a little bit, “It seemed like you had a little crush on me then, Renjunnie.” 

Renjun felt his eyes roll to the back of his head. Now Jaemin’s ego was going to be inflated even more so, “I never said any of that, he’s making stuff up to embarass me.” That was a lie. Renjun totally said that. 

“Of course,” Jaemin said with a disbelieving laugh, “But just so you know, if you ever felt that way, just ask.”

Renjun was close to throwing a saltshaker at him. 

  
  


They stay there for an hour, despite both of them promising to only stay as long as they are eating. Jaemin and Renjun both agreed that if they do not make themselves keep track of the time, then they will stay for _ ever _ . Knowing that, both made sure that right after they finished their food, they would pay and leave. The only problem was that they finished their food in about 25 minutes, yet they stayed for an hour. Mission failed. Instead, the two got heated and busy in a shouting match about which iconic series was the best: Harry Potter or Star Wars. It had gotten so intense that they were earning cautious looks from people around the restaurant, some of which recognized Renjun who shied under their scrutiny. Finally, when they settled their differences, it was most  _ definitely _ time to go. They had been bickering like a married couple that they hadn’t even realized the time.

They had left Sokcho at 7 P.M. It usually took an hour to get to Yangyanggan, but they arrived around 7:50 but only because Renjun was speeding. They walked around and ate for a while, so now it was venturing near 10 P.M., and the most reasonable thing to do would be to head back to Sokcho, but Renjun didn’t want to do that yet. 

Instead, Renjun drove some quiet roads through Yangyanggan until they reached a neighborhood with a plethora of nice houses, like the ones in Sokcho, where the exterior looked like a traditional two story Korean home. But the interior was modern and contemporary in design. Finally, Renjun pulled up on the driveway of a house he was so familiar with, but one that he no longer called home literally  _ or _ metaphorically. Jaemin got out behind him and they approached the door. 

“Why are we at a random house?” Jaemin asked, looking around. 

“It’s not random,” Renjun replied as he dug out the pair of keys he found earlier and put them into the lock, “It’s mine. My parents haven’t sold it because they still have one branch here, and very occasionally they come to check up on it. Otherwise, no one’s here except for the people who come to do maintenance on our lawn, pool, and anything else.” 

They step inside and automatic lights come on. Renjun felt a wave of nostalgia as he took off his shoes and looked at the familiar layout in front of him. There was less furniture and items everywhere, considering they brought them over to Sokcho when they moved. But a lot of things were still kept in case they ever came back to visit or take care of business. It was all too quiet now. And although Renjun lived here for so many years, it felt like a different place to him. Still beautiful and full of memories, but out of place. Renjun goes on a little house tour for Jaemin, who was more concerned with Renjun’s room. Most of his items were moved to Sokcho, but there were still pictures here and there and art that he made strung on the walls. Those interested Jaemin the most. He asked Renjun the meaning and the stories behind all of them, wanting to see the boy’s face light up in a bright smile when he got excited about explaining something. It was only when Jaemin was flipping through Renjun’s old sketchbook and found, littered amongst sketches of birds, the ocean, landscapes, was a portrait of Jaemin. This time, Renjun couldn’t use the excuse that it had been for a school project, for this was his own personal sketchbook. The portrait was just Jaemin, smiling from a side profile, looking up at the sky. It was beautiful. Renjun bit his lip, and didn’t say anything as Jaemin stared at it. He didn’t need to. Jaemin’s smile as he looked down at the sketch said more than words could.

Finally, they reached the backyard, which was neatly kept. The pool, whose light at the bottom made the whole thing glow at night, was clean and free of any gunk due to people who came by and maintained it every week. Even the grass was trimmed. They sit on the edge and dipped their feet in, wading around the cool water as they talk. About this and that. Little things and big things. In their company, they found a home. Jaemin wasn’t afraid to let his inner nerd show when talking about some superhero movie he watched. Renjun wasn’t afraid to let himself laugh freely, or live freely. 

“Hey Renjun.”

“Yes?”

“You got your phone on you?”

Renjun eyed him mysteriously, “No…?”

Next thing he knew, Renjun felt a hand on his back and suddenly he was pushed and shoved into the pool. The water immediately soaking his clothes and he fell to the bottom. The sudden coldness of the water shocked him and he plunged towards the bottom. The water was glowing a light blue from the pool lights, and he could see Jaemin’s distorted image through the water. The pink-haired boy was laughing, and Renjun eyed his legs which were still dipped in the water. Smiling to himself, Renjun swam up and before Jaemin could escape, Renjun put his arms out to grab a hold of the boy’s legs and drag him down under the water with him. Jaemin lost his balance and fell in. 

Jaemin fell in with a large splash and waded around under water, giving Renjun the middle finger, before both of them let out underwater air bubbles of laughs. 

When they both broke the surface again, all wet from head to toe, Renjun laughed loudly, “I hope  _ you _ didn’t have your phone on you,” 

Jaemin shook his wet hair and joined his laughing, “Well I hope you have spare clothes in my size.”

Renjun snorted, both of them wading in the water, “ _ I _ don’t even have spare clothes here in  _ my _ size. I brought them all to Sokcho when I moved.”

“So…” Jaemin realized, “We’re going to have to drive home in wet clothes?”

Renjun shrugged with a sly smile, “Or we can drive home naked. It’s up to you.”

Jaemin laughed, pulling Renjun closer in the water by the waist, teasing as he said, “You already know what would happen if it was up to me.” 

Renjun bit his tongue at the suggestion. He was slightly surprised at Jaemin’s sudden closeness but he let his hands rest on the boy’s broad shoulders, “You’re a tease, you know that?” The reflective pool light off the water danced across their faces, the smell of chlorine sticking to their skin.

Jaemin snickered at the comment, “And you’re not?”

Renjun shook his head innocently and cutely exclaimed, “Nope!”

Jaemin laughed freely, before letting Renjun go. Instead, Jaemin pushed off his feet and was now floating on the water’s surface on his back, looking up at the sky. Renjun joined him. They gaze together as they floated around the pool, wading only slightly. The stars were bright tonight. But not brighter than the little light inside of Renjun’s heart. 

  
  


They ended up driving home in wet clothes. It was a little past midnight when they arrived back within the vicinity of Sokcho, the city now asleep aside from a few cars here and there and a bar or two. Renjun had also ran over the speed limit on their way home, wanting to hurry and get home so that they can change out of their wet clothing. He had his car heat on maximum so that they wouldn’t freeze to death, but it was still an uncomfortable sticky feeling. All worth it, but uncomfortable nevertheless. Jaemin chattered the entire ride back to distract from how cold their clothes were becoming as it started to dry. 

When they arrived at Renjun’s dark house, the smaller boy quickly pulled into the driveway and both of them hopped out and quickly ran inside. No one was home, so they didn’t have to worry about making a lot of sounds stomping up the stairs. They hadn’t even bothered to turn on the lights. His teeth were chattering the entire way up, and Jaemin rushed up and followed him. They looked like a bunch of misfits running around the dark house. Renjun rummaged through his dad’s clothes to find something that would maybe fit Jaemin until he found a loose shirt and pair of shorts. Throwing them at Jaemin, both hurried to the shower, wanting to wash all of the chlorine off and bask in warm water. Jaemin took the shower down the hallway and Renjun used the one across from his room. It was heavenly to feel warm again, to feel the hot trickle of warm water on his skin instead of freezing wet clothes. When Renjun stepped out, he changed into a cotton sleeping shirt and just a pair of undergarments underneath. The shirt was long enough to cover everything anyways. 

Tired and relaxed from the shower, Renjun went back inside his room after putting the wet clothes in the washing machine. He still didn’t turn on the lights. The moonlight streaming through his window was enough. Besides, his eyes were already adjusted. 

Jaemin came in moments later, and Renjun looked up at him from where he was sitting. In the moonlight, Jaemin was even more handsome. Renjun’s breath caught in his throat. 

The boy in question held out a hand to Renjun, who this time, didn’t hesitate to take it. They stood in front of each other. Jaemin stepped a bit closer, looking down at Renjun’s pretty face and pretty silver hair which was absolutely heavenly in the bright moon’s streams. Suddenly, the quiet was drowned by the sound of crickets outside, the hum of the air conditioner, and their own light breathing. Everything felt amplified as Jaemin rested his forehead against Renjun’s, hands coming up to hold Renjun by his arms. Renjun let himself stay in that position, looking up at his friend who was almost too close to be called a friend. 

“Thank you…” Jaemin breathed quietly, “For today.”

Renjun smiled, “It’s no problem, Jaemin.” 

“No, truly,” Jaemin reiterated, voice serious. He looked at Renjun and then placed a soft, tender kiss on the boy’s forehead. Renjun savored the feeling and it made his heart pound quickly, “Thank you.”

“Jaemin…” Renjun whispered, staring almost too loving at the boy. He hoped it didn’t show.

“Yes?” The way Jaemin spoke to him was as if he saw no one else. Renjun hated how special it made him feel. They were standing way too close and speaking way too softly with one another.

There were so many things Renjun wanted to say.  _ I want you. I need you. Spend your days with me. Your nights. Be with me. Kiss me again. Hold me.  _ But he didn’t. Instead, Renjun makes up something to say, “It’s late. You should probably go.”

“Do I have to leave?” Jaemin asked hesitantly, “Or can I stay with you tonight?”

Renjun pulled his forehead away and instead, places his head on Jaemin’s shoulders intimately, the pink-haired boy didn’t reject the intimacy at all. Renjun replied softly, “We can’t do this every day, you know.” 

“I know,” Jaemin replied, almost regretfully, “One more night. Can I get one more night?”

_ You can get as many more as you want, Jaemin _ . But Renjun didn’t say that. He never said how he actually feels. He  _ never _ says how he actually feels. 

Instead, Renjun just says “okay.” 

That night, even as Jaemin peeled off his own shirt and took off his own clothes, climbing into bed right next to Renjun, unlike the other times, there was no hot tension involved. Instead, Renjun had his back up against Jaemin’s chest, where the other encased him in his arms. Like a big spoon, little spoon. It was an intimate position, for sure. Suddenly, to Jaemin, Renjun’s small body didn’t just feel like a body, it felt like a home. Renjun’s freshly washed hair wasn’t just a nice scent, but it was one that made his head spin crazily. Renjun’s soft breathing as the small boy fell asleep was not just a passing moment, but a precious sound and sight that made Jaemin’s heart feel swollen. At that moment, Jaemin wanted nothing more to hold Renjun innocently like this for the rest of eternity. 

The feeling was so foreign, and if Jaemin knew what it was, he didn’t let himself admit it. 

Meanwhile, Renjun? He was drowning in it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Renjun, if you haven’t given thought to my suggestion of you taking out your sexual frustration on me, then I suggest you think about it  _ right now _ because fuck,” Jeno said as he Renjun walked out of his house, “You look incredible.”

Renjun gave him a dazzling smile as he twirled a little bit. Jeno had come to pick Renjun up for the Senior Spring dance in his beautiful gray 2018 Audi A4. Lee Jeno looked quite handsome himself, donned in a gray blazer on top of a black button up. The Senior Spring dance was not an extremely formal dance like prom was where people had to wear full on tuxes and long gowns, but most of the students still wanted to dress nice without making it look like they’re trying too hard. 

Renjun, however, did what he wanted. He wore a pair of mid-waist gray tartan-patterned pants that tapered at the end into a skinny leg. Above, tucked into his pants, he wore a low-cut v-neck shirt that could  _ barely  _ be considered a shirt. Instead of an opaque fabric, the shirt was made of a creamy-golden tulle that almost shimmered when the light hit it at the right angles, and was most definitely see-through. But not too much, so it was still very teasing. The sleeves were long and flowy, and it looked like golden champagne was flowing down his arms as he moved. The low cut shirt exposed a hefty amount of skin in the middle, where Renjun carefully picked out a shark tooth pendant necklace to dangle in place. On his left ear, and only his left ear, was one golden chain earring that dusted all the day down to his shoulder. It was a nice accent to draw the eye towards. His right ear simply had a small ring. Renjun’s golden brown eyes were emphasized with the smokey brown and gold eyeshadow that he brushed over his lid, giving him a slightly hooded appearance. A little bit of pale pink dusted his lips. Jeno stared at him the entire time he walked over, surprised that Renjun could get prettier than he usually was. 

“What happened to going as friends?” Renjun rolled his eyes as he stepped into the car. It smelled like pine trees from the car scents that hung on his rearview mirror. 

Jeno shook his head as he got into the driver’s seat of the sports car, “You’re making it awfully hard, Renjun.” 

Renjun laughed at that, as Jeno put the car in drive. 

  
  
  
  


“Is there an after-party tonight?” Chenle asked as he sat next to Park Jisung. 

Chenle and Jisung had arrived at the venue not too long ago, where they met up with Donghyuck and Mark, Kun and Taeyong, and then Jaemin and the girl he was bringing, Yoon Minah, a pretty girl wearing a pleated red dress that came down to her mid-thigh. Neither Renjun nor Jeno had arrived. They had occupied a whole table to themselves, where an array of drinks, non-alcoholic of course, and snacks laid. There were already a large amount of people at the venue, with more filtering in by the minute, and the music was loud. None of them wanted to dance yet, not without the rest of the group. 

Neither Jaemin or his friends knew who Jeno was going to come with, only that Jeno promised them that his date was going to steal the show. Jeno had confidently told him that his date was going to make everyone else forget theirs. So, naturally, they were curious to see who it would be. 

Jaemin was also more curious than he’d admit as to who Renjun would be accompanied by, evident by the fact that his eyes kept darting to the entrance to see just who would be coming in tow with Huang Renjun. Jaemin wondered if whoever it was knew that it was Jaemin who Renjun slept next to at night for the past few days. That it was Jaemin who Renjun spent his evenings with. And then, he snapped out of his thoughts, thinking they were ridiculous, and turned his attention back on the group that were all sitting at the plush tables making conversation. 

“Lee Kwangsol is hosting an after-party, but to be honest, tomorrow is still a school day so I might not come,” Taeyong, who had his hand on Kun’s thigh, spoke. 

“Besides,” Mark piped in, “There’s already the soccer pre-game party tomorrow night.” 

“Oh!” Minah then spoke excitedly while looking at Jaemin, “Am I invited to that?” 

The whole group looked uneasy then, knowing that Minah wasn’t  _ actually _ friends with Jaemin, at least, not enough to be invited. 

It was a good thing that just then, before Jaemin could reply, Donghyuck spewed out his drink while his eyes were glued in another direction, “Holy shit.”

“Hyuck,” Mark worriedly asked, “Is everything alright?”

But Donghyuck’s eyes were still off in the distance, mouth gaped open, and he pointed far away to where the entrance was, “Is that...Renjun? ” 

Chenle was already ahead of him, exasperatingly telling the group while waving to Renjun from afar, “He could run me over with his Aston Martin right now and I’d say thank you. My _god_.”

Na Jaemin was not sure what he was expecting when he turned around to see what they were talking about, but it sure was not  _ that _ . Renjun walked in with a confidence and grace that did not fail to capture people’s attention. He was absolutely alluring, effortlessly so. If there was a face to dream about at night, it was this one. His body was decked out in teasing, stunning clothing that looked incredible in all the right places. And it didn’t help that his makeup and jewelry only enhanced his appearance, giving him an expensive and flirtatious aura. The boy’s silvery hair shined under the light, as well as his slightly see-through shimmering chiffon shirt, and chain coming down from his left ear. He was a walking piece of artwork. 

And then Jaemin’s eyes travelled to Renjun’s waist, or more so, the hand that was resting on it, leading Renjun to the table. The hand that belonged to one of his best friends Lee Jeno.  _ Fuck _ , Jaemin thought to himself and he didn’t even know why. It might have been the fact that Jeno was right. His date  _ did _ in fact steal the show. But it also might have been the fact that Jeno had taken Renjun to the dance. That Jeno had the pleasure of having Renjun all to himself tonight. For some reason, that sat strangely in Jaemin’s stomach. 

Renjun’s eyes focused on one person when he had arrived at the venue. And it was the boy in the impeccable outfit. Jaemin looked breathtaking usually, but today, all dressed up and made perfect, Jaemin caused Renjun’s heart to almost stop. He had to put a little extra pep in his step, or else the sight of the pink haired boy would have made his knees buckle. It didn’t help that the girl Jaemin was accompanied with was also a stunning lady. She was smart too, Renjun knew, for she was in a couple of his advanced classes. Real deal, huh. Renjun thought. He’ll show Jaemin who the real deal was. 

As Jeno and Renjun made their seats at the table, the whole group continued their vibrant conversations. It was comfortable, and the first time they had all interacted as one, but it was not a bad experience at all. Jaemin wasn’t really speaking to Renjun in particular, preferring rather to just address the group as a whole whenever he’d say something. He wouldn’t really meet Renjun’s eyes either, as the boy noticed and he frowned a little bit. But didn’t let it overwhelm him. He was here to have a good time. 

Sooner than later, Jaemin stood up from the rest of the group, holding his hand out to Yoon Minah, “Do you want to dance?” 

The girl nodded excitedly, glad to get out of the conversation since she wasn’t really part of their ‘ _ groups’ _ . Renjun watched as they left out onto the main dance area. Shortly after, the rest of the pairings followed until it was just Renjun and Jeno. When they were alone again, Jeno poured Renjun a cup of some soda.

“It’s not vodka or anything,” He said as he handed the cup to Renjun, “But hopefully, it’ll get you excited.”

Renjun rolled his eyes and stood up, dragging Jeno with him towards the dance area, “I’m already excited. Now come dance with me.”

  
  


They dance in a large crowd, until most everyone got lost within it save for their respective partners. It was not as tightly packed as Mark’s party, but nevertheless, a claustrophobic place to be. And Renjun loved it. He loved the lights, the music, the proximity to everyone else. He loved how everyone looked so beautiful in their dresses and nice shirts and nice pants and nice faces. He didn’t take a break once. Lee Jeno proved to be a good dance partner. Swaying with Renjun when the song was slow, moving tighter when the song was heavy. 

Renjun was not going to lie, whenever he’d catch a glimpse of Na Jaemin in the crowd, the pink-haired boy sparing a casual look in his direction, Renjun made sure to feel himself up a little more, grind back against Jeno’s body a little more, and get down a little more. He must have been out there for a long time, for some people were beginning to get tired, temporarily taking a break to drink, eat, and hangout before coming back to dance again. Renjun didn’t need any of that. Right now, dancing  _ was _ his sustenance. Soon enough, all of his friends started taking breaks also. Jeno held out a little longer for Renjun’s sake, a slower song played, and they swayed. 

Renjun could tell Jeno was exhausted and he laughed, “You know, you can go take a break if you want.”

Jeno shook his head tiredly, “I can’t let you dance by yourself.”

An all too familiar voice spoke up behind Renjun, “He won’t have to.” Renjun closed his eyes for a second. It was Na Jaemin.

Renjun, still having his hands on Jeno’s shoulders, turned his body to look. Na Jaemin stood there, in all of his handsome and breathtaking self, with one arm outstretched, requesting a dance. 

Renjun looked back at Lee Jeno, who seemed to be biting his tongue and suddenly hesitant. Renjun sensed an uneasy tension between the two, and he looked at Jeno, “Go take a break, Jeno. I’ll save a dance for you.” He said with a smile.

Jeno looked down at Renjun, and then back up at his friend before leaning down to press a kiss against Renjun’s cheek, almost deliberately looking at Jaemin as he did so, “I’ll look forward to it.” 

When Jeno left, Renjun turned around to face Jaemin, who proceeded to lay his hands gently on Renjun’s small waist, up against the flowy chiffon shirt that was so thin, he could almost feel the boy’s skin. Renjun’s hands went up to loop around Jaemin’s shoulder and rested on his nape. He was pulled in until they were almost chest to chest, and Renjun tried not to look the boy in the eyes. 

“Where’s your partner?” Renjun asked, looking over his shoulders to see.

“Taking a break,” Jaemin replied, before twirling Renjun around until the boy had his back against his chest, “I thought you only saw Jeno as a friend.” 

Renjun bit his lip and twirled back around, now looking up at Jaemin and all of his handsome self, “I do.”

Jaemin couldn’t help but see the gorgeous sparkle of gold dust near Renjun’s eyes and leaned forward a little, “The way he acts makes me think he doesn’t understand that.” Jaemin chuckled dryly, something bitter tasting in his mouth. 

Renjun laughed, “That’s just how he is. Is it just me or do you sound a little,” Renjun leaned in closer to tease him, “jealous?”

Jaemin smiled and let out a laugh, looking down at Renjun, “To be honest, I am a little.”

Renjun raised an eyebrow, certainly not expecting that response. 

Jaemin continued to dance as he spoke in a low voice, teasingly, “I’m a little jealous that he’s the one who got to bring you here instead, get to dance with you all night, flaunt you around with you looking like this,” Jaemin said with a smirk, “You look gorgeous tonight, Renjun.” 

Renjun wanted to scream at him that he cannot  _ go around _ saying things like that, not when he is this in love and on the verge of heartbreak any moment now.

Renjun rolled his eyes, “If I look as pretty as you say I do, then that does not explain why you’ve been ignoring me all night and barely even looking at me.” 

Jaemin smiled, knowing exactly what to say, “Because I’m afraid if I let myself look, I won’t ever stop.”

Renjun made a fake gagging noise, “That was  _ so _ cheesy, Jaemin. How do you get girls acting like this?”

He laughed in response, “Well, most people are easier to impress than you, Huang Renjun.” 

Renjun just shook his head at that, and they dance some more as the song comes to an end. Finally, Renjun looks up at Jaemin with a disapproving smile, “You should’ve just asked me first.” 

Jaemin shook his head as if disappointed, “Maybe I should’ve.” 

  
  


Jeno and the rest of their friends end up joining the dance floor again after resting for a bit. Slowly, other people did too, as their energy was rejuvenized once more. Jaemin and Minah disappeared off into the crowd, and Renjun didn’t let himself think on it too much. Instead, he rather drown himself in the heat of the dance floor, besides Jeno, besides Chenle, besides Jisung, and besides classmates he never talks to in school but doesn't mind getting close to him. He did not know what time it was, and he did not care. All he knew was that he needed a distraction, and this was it. 

However, since Renjun had not taken a break earlier, he tired himself out before anyone else did and excused himself to go sit down at their table, which was strewn with phones, wallets, and empty snack bags and water bottles. He looked around for one he could drink out of, throat famished, but they had all been empty bottles. Frustrated and thirsty, Renjun made his way towards the concessions only to realize that they had run out of water. There were only sodas left, but Renjun didn’t want a soda. He needed some water. 

The person working the concessions instead suggested the fountain, located through the far back doors and to the left after he turned the corner. Thanking him, Renjun made his way through the crowd again until he reached the doors, pushing it back until he was out in empty hallways. Out here, the music was muted and the air conditioning actually worked. Renjun fanned himself as he walked through the brightly lit corridor. 

As he approached the left that the concession worker was talking about, Renjun could hear sounds coming from the other corner. It was definitely people getting something on, but what was more concerning was that Renjun could recognize one of their voices.

It was as clear as day. The breathing, the words, they all belonged to a voice Renjun could remember even while asleep. For some reason, Renjun still walked forwards towards the sounds, which were mixed with the labored breathing and slight moans of a woman, whose high-pitched voice Renjun could  _ also _ recognize. Renjun felt his fingers tremble a little bit and he bit his tongue as hard as he could to push down his emotions. As he turned the corner, seeing it made it worse. Seeing the person you had a hopeless crush on be up against the wall with a gorgeous bombshell, hands all over each other, and hair all messed up, will never cease to hurt. 

It only hurts more now that Renjun, for the past however long, kept on convincing himself that it’ll all be worth it in the end. Convinced himself that the heartbreak he’ll feel will be the worth slow dancing with Jaemin in his room that evening, will be worth coming with him to the mountaintop where he kissed him that night, will be worth going all in knowing he was going to get nothing but heartache out of it. But Renjun was starting to think he was wrong. He had fallen deeper and harder than he had ever been before, and now he was facing the consequences of it. He had just thought that he would be able to handle it when it came. He thought that he was strong enough to handle the pain when the day comes and Renjun couldn't take the heartache anymore. The day was now, and Renjun felt the weakest he had ever been. He hated feeling this weak, but it felt as if his soul wanted to collapse in on itself. 

His body wanted to shake and he wanted to break down right then and there, but Renjun held it in himself, rather eyeing the water fountain a couple meters past them. 

Slowly, Renjun made himself walk. They hadn’t noticed him, but he made his legs move without his mind catching up. No, his mind was off somewhere wanting to break down. Renjun calmed his shaking hands and lips that wanted to tremble and he walked past them, all the way until he was at the water fountain. He reached down to take a sip, the sweet water no longer feeling refreshing to his lips. 

As he was drinking, Renjun could hear a frightened gasp and some shuffling around, trying to button back up clothes or zip things back up as Minah’s voice exclaimed, “Jaemin!” 

_ Ah _ , Renjun thought, so _now_ they noticed him. He heard a ' _shit'_ come from Jaemin's lips as the two stopped whatever they had been doing. A little too late for that. Renjun could have gone his entire life without feeling his heartbreak. He could have collapsed right there in emotional pain if he hadn’t forced himself to stay strong. Jaemin was not about to see him weak. Not tonight. He finished his drink.

Renjun stood up and wiped his lips, turning back around. Minah stood there shyly, not wanting to show herself as she mumbled under her breath how embarrassing this was. 

Na Jaemin on the other hand, looked a bit shocked and stumbled a little bit when saying Renjun’s name, “Renjun.” 

Renjun forced himself to not show emotion, pushing down all the pain that he wanted to pour out, and he made himself walk again, 

“Next time,” Renjun said as he passed the two without sparing another glance, “Have some goddamn respect for people and find an empty room.” He didn’t look at them as he said it, only walked away. So much for being in love. This fucking  _ sucked _ , Renjun thought to himself.

It was only when he found his way past the far doors away from everyone else that he allowed himself to cry. On the last day of summer, Renjun vowed to never cry over a boy again. Now, not only did he cry over a boy again. But he cried over the  _ same _ boy. The same, perfect, Na Jaemin, who he let himself fall in love with all over again. It hurt _so_ bad. He didn't know what to do. For the first time, he prayed. He prayed to whatever entity existed out there _make it stop. please, make it stop._ He begged over and over again. Make it stop. Make the pain stop. Yet it kept on rolling in. 

Renjun muffled his small sobs as he slid his back down against the wall, head buried in his knees. He had let himself get to this point. 

  
  


Renjun decides to go to that after-party at Lee Kwangsol’s house that night, having been invited by some strangers that he had met on the dance floor. He wasn’t originally going to go, but he needed to drown himself away. So he tells Jeno and his friends that he was going to be leaving, and then he let his new friends drive him to the big house near the seaside, where he downs cheap beer and the whiskey he found in the host’s parent’s liquor cabinet. He drinks it until he is in a fake state of happiness, where he can forget Na Jaemin and forget the boy’s smile, his laugh, the way he speaks, the way he holds Renjun. Where he can forget all of it. He takes a drag out of someone’s blunt and then another one. Not too many because Renjun hated the smell. He just needed it to fade his mind away. If the party had been fun, Renjun didn’t remember. If it had been horrible, Renjun didn’t remember. 

He doesn’t even remember how he came home. And that’s how he wanted it. Because for a while, it meant he won’t remember Na Jaemin. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter up very soon !   
> HEAVY drama ahead.   
> anyways, stream Ridin!  
> sorry for keep lying about it being the last chapter :((   
> and as always, thank you guys so much for commenting, reading, kudos, and all of your feedback <3 it makes  
> me SO SO happy!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 34k chapter. we've reached the end ! :') NO FLUFF ZONE AHEAD. 
> 
> Warning: 2 cases of smut ahead. If you see this symbol (///M///) , that means it’s beginning.  
> And when it ends, there will be (\\\\\E\\\\\\) in case any of you want to skip  
> through the very detailed scenes asdfasdaf  
> HOWEVER, just saying, the smut plays a vital role  
> in the sequences of events (so pls read if ur comfy w it)

  
  


Renjun did not remember anything from the previous night. He did not know how much he drank, but it was enough to scatter the memories away like crackled leaves under an autumn wind. There was no trace of how he arrived at home, tucked in his bed all snuggled and safe. There was no trace in his mind of a familiar car that had pulled up in a hurry to the house on the beach, with a boy who came in looking for him so concerningly. No trace of a drink being taken out of his hands and thrown in the sink. Of strong hands on his shoulders telling him it was time to leave. Of those same hands guiding his back to stabilize him as he walked a bit swerved to said car. 

Renjun doesn’t even remember telling the owner of those hands ‘ _don’t...touch me.’_ He had said in a slurred but sure voice,’ _don’t touch me after you...touch some...one...else. Get away’_ He doesn’t remember a hurt and guilty face in response and then the removal of that hand on his back a moment later. He doesn’t recall being helped up his stairs, and placed into his bed although he resisted. He doesn’t remember a hand that was about to go up to caress his face, but then stopped and pulled back as if guilty. Renjun only knows that when he woke up the next morning, the last thing he could remember was a scar on his heart. It still hurt. 

  
  
  


In English, Renjun was surprised that he could still pay attention considering that he couldn’t remember _anything_ last night after he left the dance. He had woken up at the time he would usually already be heading to school, and he panicked. He threw himself out of bed so quickly to get ready, with no care to his headache or dry throat, that he did not even notice on his nightstand was a glass of water, a handful of pills, and a sheet of instructions written in such a familiar handwriting. His alarm was the only reason he woke up, or else Renjun would have slept off his hangover until late noon. 

His parents had arrived home today from China sometime early in the morning, but they were only going to stay until tomorrow evening before flying up to Busan again. However, although they were home, tonight they had plans to check out the three locations that were in and around Sokcho, so they weren’t truly home for long. Renjun wasn’t even concerned about that at this point. He was mostly concerned with trying to get to school on time. His head pounded as he ran throughout his room, searching for things, but he pushed the aching feeling in his skull away. 

He had made it to school at the nick of time, but his hair was still tangled and messy and he wore a wrinkly t-shirt with some sweatpants he picked up off the floor.

“Jesus Christ,” Chenle said to him from beside his desk, only now having the opportunity to talk to Renjun after the teacher finished lecturing, “This is why you don’t go drinking on school nights, Renjun. You look like a drug addict.”

Renjun shot him a look as he turned in his classwork they had been working on, “Chenle, I already feel like shit. At least lie to me and say I look somewhat presentable.”

Chenle shook his head, “I’m an honorable man, Renjun. I cannot lie.”

Renjun threw some eraser shavings at his friend. 

“Anyways,” Chenle said while looking concerningly at Renjun, “I’m glad Jaemin brought you home from the after-party before you could die from alcohol poisoning.” 

Renjun looked confused. He hadn’t remembered how he had gotten home, “Wait, Jaemin brought me home? Wasn’t he supposed to be with Minah?”

Chenle pursed his lips, wondering how to explain this, “Yes, about that...you missed a lot, Renjun."

"What do you mean?" Renjun scooted himself closer, missing the context of whatever Chenle was talking about.

"After you left," Chenle hesistantly spoke, "a lot of things happened? A lot of confusing things? I'm not sure how to explain all of it."

Renjun nodded with pursed lips, "Just try your best, lele."

"Minah and Jaemin got into a little verbal fight not too long after you left.” Chenle spoke. 

A fight? What? Renjun was curious to see what this argument could have been about. He gripped his pencil tighter. 

“Spill,” Renjun was curious. He didn’t want to think about Jaemin at the moment, but the inquiry was eating at him.

“Well…” Chenle started, contemplating how to say this, “She made a big deal out of him not wanting to sleep with her, which is weird because I saw them go off together. But he came back and she was trailing behind him, grabbing onto him and he kind of shook her off. They exchanged some pretty harsh words, and she practically screamed at him in front of everyone. She ended up leaving early”

Renjun’s face was concerned, even though he didn’t want to be, “What did she say?”

“I couldn’t really make it out, but Jeno overheard. You should ask him,” Chenle shrugged.

Renjun bit his lip. He was curious, but he wasn’t sure if he was curious _enough_. At the mention of Jeno, Renjun suddenly thought, “Wait, Chenle. Why did Jaemin bring me home? Why didn’t Jeno?”

Chenle laughed nervously, “So the thing is...Jaemin wasn’t supposed to take you home? If that makes sense?”

“It doesn't. Explain.” Renjun demanded. 

Chenle scratched the back of his head, “It was weird, Renjun. I told you. I lot of weird things happened after you left.”

“Just tell me,” Renjun was running out of patience. 

“So we were all at a 24/7 diner: me, Jisung, Hyuck, Mark, Jaemin, Jeno. Kun went home with Taeyong. Basically everyone except you since you were the only one who went to the after-party instead. At 2 A.M. or so, Jeno gets a call from someone at the party you were at. They called him since they knew you were his date to the dance that night. And they ask Jeno to come pick you up. But uh,”

“Yes?”

“But I guess Jaemin overheard, because he literally got out of the table and ran out the door to go get you. I never seen someone slap money on the table so fast before running out. Jeno went after him, holding him back and they argued about it for a bit before Jeno just let him get you,” Chenle finished. 

Renjun’s face morphed into one of incredulity, “Why would they argue about it?”

Chenle shrugged, “I have no idea. It was outside the diner, but Jaemin was getting heated. I’ve never heard them argue like that before, since they’re kind of known to be great friends.”

“And Jeno just let him?” Renjun was slightly surprised. 

Chenle nodded, looking almost scared as he thought back on it, “Yeah. You don’t understand, Renjun. Jaemin was almost scary…”

Renjun sat back in his seat, exasperated. He honestly did not know what to make of the weird antics that the pink-haired boy always wanted to play. He was so _sick_ of Na Jaemin. Sick of his mixed signals. Sick of heartbreak. Sick of Jaemin being so good to him one moment, and then breaking his heart in the next. He was sick of it. The teacher continues lecturing after a while, but the boy could barely pay attention. His mind was off somewhere else, thinking of _someone else_. He didn’t mean to. He had vowed to try his best not to think about Jaemin more than he was to. And again and again, he fails. Exhausted, Huang Renjun buried his face in his hands. 

  
  


Renjun tries not to talk to Na Jaemin for the rest of the day. Even in multivariable calculus, where they sit right next to each other, Renjun would not make eye contact or associate with the pink-haired boy unless it was for a worksheet or problem. He realizes that it was better this way, to make himself drift apart from Jaemin. The less he made contact with the pink-haired boy, the better it was for his sanity. He was not sure how much longer he could stand to surround himself with Jaemin’s presence, with his smile, his laughter, his company. Renjun wasn’t sure how many more nights he could sleep next to Jaemin, how many more evenings he could spend with him, how many more times he could let Jaemin touch his face gently, before Renjun breaks. 

Renjun knew that Jaemin could feel the difference in the way he was behaving. It was thick in the air. It was obvious in the way Jaemin had to repeat himself twice before Renjun would pay him any attention. In the way Renjun didn’t look over at him even when Jaemin tried speaking to him, yet would turn when another classmate asked him something. How Renjun would smile at something a random person would say but when Jaemin tried to make him smile, he never would.

Jaemin kept on trying to make comments, to which Renjun would pretend he hadn’t heard, focusing rather on his work or on his phone if there were any free time. It was so incredibly obvious, and drove Na Jaemin a little crazy by the minute. 

“Renjun, what’s going on?” Jaemin asks with concern in his voice. By now, Jaemin had stopped trying to make Renjun do anything as little as smiling at him. The pink haired boy twirled a pen in his fingers as he intensely looks over at his friend, wanting nothing more than for Renjun to look at him like he usually does, with his bright smile and soft face. It felt so uncomfortable for Jaemin to feel this distant with Renjun, and he’d give anything right now to make Renjun look happier, and he didn’t even know why he felt so adamantly about this.

This time Renjun looks up from his phone and over at Jaemin. The pink-haired boy had slumped shoulders, as if dejected. And Renjun bit his lip. The last thing he wanted for the person he loved was sadness, because that was what love _was_. Even if you shouldn’t be with them, you still don’t want them to be hurt. 

But still, Renjun doesn’t give Jaemin the smile he wanted. Instead, the smaller boy replied, “Nothing’s wrong, Jaemin.” 

Jaemin pursed his lips and let out a small sigh, “You think I can’t tell when there’s something wrong with you, Renjun? We spend all of our time together, and you think I don’t notice when something’s off?” 

Renjun chewed on the inside of his cheek, not wanting to admit that Jaemin was right. He _was_ being obvious, without considering that at this point, Jaemin _did_ know enough about him to understand Renjun’s emotions. When Renjun was tired, Jaemin could always feel it, and he’d let Renjun rest with his head on his lap. When Renjun was angry at someone, Jaemin could always tell, and he’d let Renjun go on long rants where if words could murder, whoever had inflicted this anger on Renjun would be dead. When Renjun was sad, Jaemin could always sense it, and he’d rub circles onto Renjun’s hand, trying to relax the boy. 

He was a fool to think Jaemin would not notice this. He needed to play it casual.

Renjun gave Jaemin a half smile then, settling with pretending there was something else he was upset at, “I’m just tired.” Renjun pointed at his own head, “I can’t remember anything from last night, you know? I’m exhausted.” Although it was true, that wasn’t the reason why Renjun felt so upset. 

Jaemin sounded like he didn’t believe him, but he didn’t push further, assuming Renjun would not appreciate it, “Did you take the pills I set out this morning?”

Pills? He hadn’t seen them. Renjun shrugged, “I didn’t see that you set them out.” 

“Take them when you get home,” Jaemin said seriously, wanting to reach out and touch Renjun’s forehead and see how the boy was feeling, but he didn’t, considering his friend seemed a little off today. 

“I will,” Renjun nodded, still without a smile, but he figures that he still owed Jaemin a thanks, “Thank you for tak-”

“Don’t say thank you,” Jaemin interrupted, not looking away from Renjun for a second, “I’d do it again any day for you.”

Renjun paused, “Right.”

Jaemin bit the bullet and continued speaking, “I can’t stop you. But I can still say that I don't like it when you drink like that. At that point, you’re not even drinking to get drunk and have fun. You’re drinking to get a hangover and feel like absolute shit, and I do not understand that at all.”

 _He had been_ drinking to get a hangover and forget, Renjun thought to himself. That was his whole point. 

He snapped a little bit at Jaemin, “I don’t need you to tell me what to do and what not to do, especially not when I can’t do the same to you and have you actually listen.”

Jaemin spoke seriously, voice clear like a needle, “You can, Renjun. But you never ask.” 

“I don’t need to,” Renjun furrowed his eyebrows, “You’re not going to listen to me.”

“Goddamnit Renjun,” Jaemin seemed frustrated now, hands palming on the desk. He kept his voice relatively low, so that he didn’t draw any attention to the two, “How would you know that when you’ve never asked me for anything? I can’t read your mind, Renjun, so why do you always expect me to know what you want? What do you want from me? Do you want me to stop going to so many parties? I’ll do it, just say the damn word. Do you want me to be more careful with whatever girl I’m with in public? Is that it? Just say the word, and I’ll keep it private. Or do you just want me to stop seeing people altogether?”

Renjun fidgeted with his shirt sleeve, nervous. Yes, that was _exactly_ what he wanted. But he couldn’t say that. It wasn’t fair. Even though Renjun loved him, Jaemin did not owe him anything. He could not make someone want him if they can't.

Jaemin continued, voice as stark as ever, “Because I’ll do it. Just say the fucking word, and I’ll stop all of it. And stop assuming you don’t mean enough to me that I wouldn’t stop for you. Just tell me what the hell you want”

Renjun was silent, only looking back at the pink-haired boy. He was drained, emotionally and physically.

And then he replied, “I’m tired. I want you to leave me alone. For once, just do it.” 

Renjun could only catch a glimpse of hurt flash across Na Jaemin’s face before he turned back in his desk, palms sweaty from the painful interaction. How was he supposed to tell Jaemin that he was right? That Renjun never asks because if he did, then the taller boy would know that he wants him? 

They both had their flaws. Jaemin was a careless player with such an oblivious thought process and reckless behavior. Renjun was a pessimist who acted as if the worst already happened, making him assume the most negative scenario before it even plays out. In fact, he was doing it now. Instead of having the conversation with Na Jaemin in the classroom of their calculus course, he chooses to ignore the topic altogether. 

He felt Jaemin shift back forward in his seat beside him and went quiet. Renjun bit his lip, hating this situation. At times like this, he thought back to their walks on the beach in Yangyanggan or Jaemin’s protective arms as they cuddled while watching a movie. He wanted to throw away his mission to detach himself from Jaemin and run into the boy’s comforting presence. He wanted the weird sense of normal they had before last night. But at times when he was tempted, like now, Renjun made himself remember how well that worked for him last time. How well that turned out for him last night. He could still feel the puffiness in his eyes from crying.

  
  
  


Renjun doesn’t show up at the dock that day either, choosing rather to curl up in his bed waiting for the time to pass. He laid there on the soft comforters amongst his plethora of pillows, staring closely at his lamp, wishing that it would get his mind off of Jaemin. But it was all he could think about. 

He had gotten a text earlier from Jaemin, the boy asking him if he was going to show up. Renjun didn’t bother responding, but a painful swell bloomed in his chest when thinking of Na Jaemin at the dock alone today, waiting for a boy who was not going to come. Thinking of Jaemin standing there, looking around and pacing while wondering when Renjun was going to show up. He hated that he cared so much. He hated how soft he became for Na Jaemin.

He heard a knock on his bedroom door and Renjun lifted his head, beckoning, “Come in.”

The door knob twisted and his mother peeked her head in. 

Renjun frowned, “Oh, have you and Dad not left yet? I thought you guys were going to check out the branches tonight.”

“We are,” She said with a sorry smile, “Soon.”

She stepped through the door and in her hands a large bag and a bouquet of beautiful flowers. They were gorgeous, but unique. It wasn’t roses or tulips like normal bouquets. There was none of the typical flowers. Instead, this bouquet was full of vibrant yellow Daylillies, blood red Gaillardias, and gorgeous stalks of fragrant lavender. It was an odd choice for a flower bouquet, but Renjun knew the connection between those three flowers. He almost knew exactly why those particular plants were chosen, and his heart began thumping in his chest. He looked up at his mother, waiting for her to confirm his suspicion. 

“You got an admirer, Renjunnie. Someone had rang our doorbell and left this on the front steps,” His mother smiled as she gives her son the bouquet and places the gift bag on the ground, “Aren’t they beautiful?”

Renjun could smell the fragrant flowers before he even holds them, “They are.”

“Although I must say…” His mother observed the bouquet, “This is quite a strange assortment of flowers. It’s not very...typical, if you know what I mean”

Renjun stared at the colorful floral arrangement in his hand, “Daylillies, Gaillardias, Lavender....They all have something in common,” He pauses as he brings the gaillardia to his nose to smell, “They’re all flowers that can grow by the sea. They can still grow near the ocean although the soil is salty and would kill most other flowers.” Renjun repeated some words under his breath, “...they can grow by the sea...” 

His mother smiled, “It seems like whoever it was likes the oceans then.”

Renjun absently stared at a pretty petal off of the Daylilly. He knew exactly who this was from, “...He does. He loves the ocean.”

When his mother leaves, Renjun reaches down to the gift bag, a baby blue paper bag the size of his head. He reached inside, and the first thing he pulled out was a note written on a bit of cut out poster paper. 

It read, ‘Stop being a bitch, it looks bad on you. Or at least...stop being bitchier than usual. Anyways, you weren’t at the dock today, so I brought your daily dose of ocean to you.” With no signature, but Renjun didn’t need one to know who it was. 

He could tell it was a certain pink-haired boy by the sloppy handwriting, the sarcasm, and the fact that no one else knew what the ocean meant to him besides Jaemin. He was touched on one hand, but angry on the other hand because of the fact that Jaemin continued to make him swoon even when he wasn’t around.

He set the note aside and looked within the contents of the bag.

A glass jar, with some freshly collected seashells. Renjun could tell they were freshly collected off of the beach by the way sand was at the bottom layer and there were still wet particles all over the pretty rose-gold and pure-white shells. He felt a smile peek at the corners of his lips. He always loved seashells.

And then, a sand dollar encased in a small black box. It was rare to find one of these, and Renjun was definitely surprised. Either Jaemin got lucky and picked one up, or he took his time searching for one.

Then, a moomin plushie, Sailor version, where moomin’s fluffy body was decked out in sailor’s attire, complete with a sailor hat on his white head. Renjun found himself laughing at this one. He squeezed it, head filled with delight. 

Finally, Renjun reached down to pull the last item out, but it was a lot more squishy. When his hand came up, he was shocked yet amused at the same time. Na Jaemin had given him a heavy duty zip lock baggie of _ocean water._ . A whole bag of _sea water_. So Jaemin really was not kidding when he said he’d bring a dose of ocean to him. It was deadass a bag of saltwater from the ocean, and Renjun couldn’t help himself. He laughed. 

Renjun looked at the gift bag that all of the gifts had arrived in: baby blue, like the ocean. Then at the flowers. They were some of the only flowers species that could grow by the sea. 

His heart swelled as he looked at the gifts in front of him, not knowing what to do with himself now. Jaemin sometimes did things like this that he couldn’t understand. These gifts were so thoughtful that Renjun was surprised Jaemin found the time in his evening to do this, especially when Renjun had treated him so harshly earlier. If they were on normal terms, seeing these gifts would have brought Renjun immense joy. He would have called Jaemin and made fun of the pink-haired boy for giving him a bag of ocean saltwater. He would have invited the boy over, and let Jaemin sit on his bed with his back leaned against the headboard while he showed Renjun stupid videos on his phone or rant about how good french fries dipped in ice cream was.

But Renjun held back. He didn’t call Jaemin. He didn’t let himself. Just to be polite, Renjun texted Jaemin a quick ‘thanks’ and then put his phone on silence.

Why did Na Jaemin do this. Why did he always go out of his way for Renjun. Renjun remembered once when he had shown the slightest symptoms of being sick, Jaemin arrived at the dock the next day with a horribly cooked bowl of soup that he had made himself. Renjun remembered barely being able to eat it, but appreciating the gesture more than anything. He remembered when he was cold that one night stepping out the boy’s car, and Jaemin had not hesitated to give him a spare hoodie.

It was all in the details that Renjun felt didn’t match with the reality. The reality that all he was ever going to be was a friend. Renjun fell back on his bed, body against the soft sheets. In his arms, he held the Moomin plushie and he stared at the bouquet of flowers sitting on his nightstand. Renjun knew this was not going to be easy, but he didn’t expect it to be this _hard_. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


6 P.M. arrived faster than he had expected. Renjun had forgotten all about the soccer pre-game party, for his mind was too preoccupied with other matters. When he _did_ realize, Renjun heavily contemplated skipping and not attending at all. However, his friends had called, saying that they were getting ready and will be on their way to pick Renjun up soon. He bit his lip, knowing that he practically had to go since his friends were already on their way. He figured that if nothing else, he could just stick around Chenle, Donghyuck, and Kun the entire night. 

Jaemin was going to be there. Of course he was. He is the soccer captain. And Jaemin’s group of friends also liked to hang out with Renjun’s group of friends, meaning that the chance was more than likely that they will be interacting together tonight. Renjun decided to play it cool. If nothing else, Jaemin was still someone he had to deal with on a daily basis: classes together, mutual friends, parties, school events. Even if Renjun changes the schedule that he arrives at the dock, he would still be seeing Jaemin at school. So he’ll just play it cool, drifting apart slowly until he can fully detach himself.

Donghyuck’s car, a sleek black 2018 Lexus GSF, pulled up in front of Renjun’s house. The windows were down and as Renjun came out, he could see his friends poking their heads out of the seats whistling at Renjun and telling him to hurry. 

Renjun came out in simple but more than suitable attire. He donned a pair of tastefully ripped jeans that cinched at his waist and ankles. Its light blue color helped accentuate the slenderness of his legs. On top, he adorned a white mesh shirt that stopped right as his jeans waistband began. So if Renjun reaches up or moves his arms in any way, his cropped mesh shirt would reveal a bit of his toned, flat stomach. He didn’t care. Not tonight. Around his neck was a gold band that almost looked like a choker, and a simple matching gold band bracelet sat on his wrist, along with the leather brown one. Renjun’s makeup was smokey brown with a hint of red at the corners. 

He climbed in the car and sat in the backseat next to Kun. All of his friends were dressed in equally stunning attires. Donghyuck was not a bad driver. It was just that Chenle, who was sitting in the passenger seat, was a bad navigator. His phone kept taking them to wrong turns, and they end up making loops on their way to the party. But it was not stressful. Instead, the group of friends took the time to laugh at the stupidity of their mistakes. 

They pulled up to Lee Taeyong’s house, a large home with plenty of space to do things. Taeyong’s house was just down the street from Jaemin’s. A five minute walk at best. Which meant it was around a thirty-five minute walk from Renjun’s house. However, in the car, it was _supposed_ to be less than a ten minute drive, but with their faulty navigator, it instead took them double the time. It was a two story home. More wide than it was tall. There looked to be plenty of rooms and corridors, with a decently sized front yard. 

There were a lot of people, but not as many as Mark’s party since that was an open invitation party. Here, there were the entire soccer team and whichever friends they wanted to bring. There was none of that blaring music, but rather, it was a tame party. With games and casual activities. 

As far as he could see from the _outside_. People were constantly shifting to different parts of the house, talking to different friends. Some, Renjun knew. Some, Renjun didn’t. His friends seemed to feel the same and planned to stick around people they did know. As they crossed the lawn and entered the house, immediately, Park Jisung and his friends hollered over at them, becoming them to come over. 

They were all sitting on the floor over in a large corner, looking as if they were about to start something. Renjun gave the group a smile and made his way over with his friends, ignoring how Lee Jeno and Na Jaemin were both looking at him. Renjun caught Jaemin’s eyes for a split second, but he wasn’t sure what he saw in those beautiful brown orbs. They were all sitting in a circle, cards in hand as some random soccer player was dealing out a deck. 

“You guys want to play?” The soccer player asked as Renjun and his friends approached. 

Kun humored him, “What are you playing?”

Taeyong, scooching over to make space, smirked, “Strip poker.” 

It was safe to say that Renjun sucked at poker. He had played the Texas Hold’Em version before, but that was drastically different. He was in a different turf now, one that he was unfamiliar with, playing the classic Five-Card Draw instead and it showed. With his skill level, Renjun would think that he wouldn’t make bets or calls so easily, but everyone else was, so he felt pressured to fold or bet too. The first time, he wasn’t too concerned about it. He took off the gold band around his neck and placed it on the coffee table where all the stakes were held instead of chips like normal poker. The next time someone made a faulty bet, thank goodness, was not him, but by Park Jisung instead, who just took off his shoes. Another bet later, Renjun had lost once more, cursing to himself. He kicked off his shoes and laid them on the table. He only had two bracelets left and then it would be off with his shirt, pants, and hopefully it doesn’t get to the last part. 

Other than that, it was a fun game. He didn’t have to talk to anyone as an individual, but just as a whole collective group. Jaemin, Jeno, the random soccer player, and Donghyuck were awfully good at poker, and knew exactly when to bet or fold. None of them lost a single article of clothing. 

Until the fifth time a bet was made, Jaemin put down a bad hand and the table cheered. 

The pink-haired boy shook his head and threw off his shoes, telling the group, “Enjoy my bare feet while you can. I’m not losing another one.” 

Renjun believed him. He was good. Renjun, on the other hand, was _not_. In fact, he was horrible. He ended up putting down a horrible hand, and he laid down a golden bracelet. The only bracelet left was the leather one given by Jaemin. Kun loses the next one, and then Jisung again, then Mark. Renjun thought he was going on a roll until he laid down his cards, and it was the worst one he’s given yet. Scrunching his eyes together, he gritted his teeth and took off the leather bracelet, laying it on the table. The endgame was near, and he was not ready for it. 

Thank goodness, the game was near an end soon, so if Renjun could play a couple more rounds well, he wouldn’t have to take off any more. At this point, he was at the butt of everyone’s jokes during the game. _At this rate, you’re going to have to peel off your skin if you keep playing._ Donghyuck teased him. He only need to lay down a couple more good hands. And just as he thought that to himself, he laid down a bad hand and he curses to himself. 

The table erupted, laughing hysterically. He heard small chants of _take it off! Take it off!_

Blushing, Renjun asked for mercy, “Please, guys. I’m _tiny_. It’s embarrassing.”

Chenle hushed him, “Shut up. It’s cute.”

Rolling his eyes, Renjun reached down at the hem to peel off his white mesh shirt, tossing it in the middle. The table started hollering, making Renjun hug his body tightly in embarrassment. He made note to never play this again until he got good. 

“Well damn,” Jeno said with a mischievous shake of the head as he looked at Renjun. 

Shy, the smaller boy looked away just to catch the eye of Na Jaemin, who was leaned over in his seat, elbows resting on his knees and looking right at him. His gaze flickered slightly up Renjun’s body nonchalantly and to be honest, Renjun felt himself want to surrender into that gaze. To stare back and continue their long game of push and pull. But reminding himself of his predicament, Renjun looked away quickly, heat crawling up his neck. Even as he looked away, he could feel eyes boring into him. 

The game ends quickly after that, with Renjun being the most harassed victim of strip poker, and the group all parted ways. Renjun and everyone else put their clothes or accessories back on if they lost any. They scatter off here and there, doing different activities. Renjun follows Chenle, Donghyuck, and Kun around, chatting with different people. The conversations were exhausting, for his friends would keep on moving around, indulging in one or the other. It was difficult to be equally invested in each conversation when they would move on so quickly. That or they were participating in different activities. 

There was no alcohol or drugs involved at the party since tomorrow was the _game_ , so there was dry cup pong with sprite instead of vodka. Others were playing spin the bottle to make out with pretty girls and guys. Some people were just hanging outside on the porch. There were even people in the kitchen experimenting with whatever Taeyong had in the fridge. 

Ultimately, his friends ended up sitting with a group of soccer players that were closer to his friends than they were to him. Renjun had only met Park Bunseon and Kim Heesoo a handful of times, but not enough to sit there for what seemed like forever and have a conversation about some video game that Renjun didn’t play. He wasn’t particularly interested, and Renjun wanted something that will pique his mind a bit more. If he was quite honest, he was a little bored. He got up off the couch, telling his friends that he just saw a friend he wanted to catch up with. That was a lie. He just didn’t want to seem rude in leaving in the middle of a conversation he had no particular interest in.

Renjun instead wandered around the house, looking for something he actually wanted to do. He passed the kitchen, where people were experimenting with something that smelled like banana and garlic. It was putrid and Renjun had to pinch his nose and walked past. There were plenty of corridors and empty outlets in Taeyong’s home that the guests used for different things. None of which Renjun wanted to really do. 

He walked through a corridor on the far corner of the house until he found a second den room with voices coming from it. Curious, Renjun walked closer. 

As he entered the room, he spotted several people he knew. And several people he didn’t know. 

Lee Jeno, Na Jaemin, Choi Gongsil, a couple people on his tennis team, and a couple soccer players he was familiar with. Jaemin was leaning against a couch, involved with some small conversations. Jaemin didn’t seem particularly interested in this party either, almost mindlessly nodding to whoever it was that was talking to him. Jeno was sitting in an armchair, leaned back lazily, as he twirled marbles he found on a nearby cabinet in his hands. And the group of people were huddled around a coffee table, casually waiting around for something it seemed. 

Choi Gongsil, his chemistry classmate, suddenly spotted Renjun and waved him over, “Yah, Renjun! Come play with us. You’d be a jackpot for whoever spins you.”

Na Jaemin looked up at the mention and raised an eyebrow at the boy who walked closer to see what it was all about. 

Renjun pursed his lips in curiosity, “What are you guys doing?” 

Choi Gongsil smiled, “7 Minutes in Heaven.”

Renjun gave him a concerned look, “The...game where you spin a person. And you get locked in a room with them for seven minutes?”

Gongsil nodded excitedly, before looking behind his back at the group, “They’re all attractive, so you shouldn’t be uncomfortable. But if you didn’t want to do anything sexual with the person you spin, there’s a lot of people who just go in there for 7 minutes together and sit awkwardly.” 

Renjun looked at the cast at hand. The soccer players? He expected their participation. Jaemin? Expected. Jeno? Also expected. Renjun just never seen him in action before, only heard stories of Jeno’s physical intimate life from other people. Not to the extent of how much he heard Jaemin’s, but still plenty regardless. Nevertheless, it was weird to see everyone willing to participate in this. He bit his lip, wondering if he wanted to play. _What if you get Jaemin? Don’t do it_ , Renjun thought. 

“Whose idea was this?” He asked Gongsil. 

Gongsil gestured his head towards some girls on his tennis team, “The girls. They came in and saw that Jaemin, Jeno, and a couple of the other boys were already in here. I guess they just wanted to get physical with the soccer players and they suggested it.”

Renjun nodded slowly in understanding, “And...everyone just went with it?” 

Gongsil shrugged, “I mean, Jaemin was about to leave, but we all kind of pressured him into stayi-”

Before Gongsil could finish his statement, Jaemin in the background leaned over and spoke out, interrupting their conversation. 

“I don’t think this is up his alley,” Jaemin told Gongsil, giving Renjun a daring look.

“What are you talking about?” The assumption made him mad, “I’ll play.” Renjun shut him down. _Fuck, what did you just do._

Jaemin just brought his palms in the air as if backing off, conceding.

Jeno was sitting there, observing it all. 

“Renjun,” Jeno said, “You know you don’t get to spin twice. You’ll have to be comfortable with whoever you get.”

Renjun shrugged, smiling, “And?”

“And he wants you to spin _him_ , that’s what he means,” Jaemin almost resentfully said in reference to Jeno to Renjun. 

Jeno’s brows furrowed as he looked over at Jaemin, wondering what the fuck his problem was. All of a sudden, Jaemin wanted to make this personal? It made Jeno a bit angry and vexed. 

Renjun watched the tense interaction and was beginning to regret his decision. But he still had a point he wanted to prove.

Soon, a pairing comes out. Since it was a spacious house, there were three ‘closets’ to be used. However, it was less of a closet and more of a mini-bedroom, complete with a couch and very dim lighting. Renjun saw a peek of it when the two people came out. The group of participants then all sit around the table, a glass bottle set in the middle and they start with the person to the right of Renjun, a girl he recognized to be Min Yuna from the volleyball team. She reached over to the table, spun the bottle quickly. Watching it made Renjun’s head dizzy but it finally landed on a guy Renjun knew did pole vault but didn’t recognize the name of. Someone whistled as they happily accepted the spin. They laughed, heading towards one of the empty rooms.

Renjun always thought that 7 Minutes in Heaven was a strange game, but he was curious. He looked around the group. Everyone was exceptionally attractive. Renjun mentally shook his thoughts out of his head. He was sexually frustrated, emotionally frustrated, and curious. 

“Your turn,” Gongsil said, tapping Renjun on the elbow. 

“Me?” Renjun asked, “Already?”

He laughed, “Yes, you were to the left of Yuna. It goes clockwise.”

“Oh…” Renjun said and he got off his place on the couch and kneeled in front of the coffee table. Everyone looked at him in anticipation. He placed his hands on the green glass bottle, biting his lip, and gave it a good spin. It felt like the spin took forever until it slowed. And when it did, it took _forever_ to come to a complete stop. It almost made him dizzy.

But when the bottle came to a full halt, the group of players around him clapped and whooped. Renjun looked to where the nose of the bottle landed and instead of one person, it landed right in between two people. He looked up and gulped to himself. This proved it: he had the worst luck. The absolute _worst_ luck. 

The nose of the bottle landed right between Na Jaemin and Lee Jeno. Renjun looked up at the both of them and swallowed his spit. Jaemin had a brow raised as he looked to the group for further instructions. Jeno had something else, something blazing in his eyes. 

Gongsil laughed, “You’re a lucky one, Renjun.” 

“Huh?” Renjun asked, about to question if he’s supposed to spin again. But the gameleader continued. 

“You get to have both of them, if you’d like,” Gongsil said while laughing. 

“Fuck no. Jaemin, give it up,” Lee Jeno said before he stood up, looking back at Jaemin.

Jaemin seemed to hesitate and wanted to put up a fight, but with the whole crowd looking at him, Jaemin just put his hands up in surrender, saying “Whatever.” 

Then, Jeno made his way over to where Renjun was about to sit back up on the couch, and in one quick motion, picked Renjun off the ground by his thighs and carried him off in the air, heading towards one of the rooms. Behind them, some people in the group whistled and laughed. Renjun didn’t even have time to gauge Jaemin’s reaction as Jeno took him away from Lee Jeno shut the door behind them. 

Just as he was set back down on the ground, Renjun was pushed against the wall, hands grabbing at his waist, and a pair of lips came down on him. 

“Mmph,” Renjun tried to speak, but Jeno barely gave him a chance, “Jen-”

Renjun was not sure whether he was kissing back or not, but Jeno had a strong arm around his waist and it felt good. 

“Jeno,” Renjun finally got out and pulled away, breathing heavily.

Jeno took a step back and looked at Renjun, “Renjun.” 

“I’m-”

Jeno interrupted, a habit he had never been able to kick, “You’re in love with Jaemin. Yada yada. I know,” Jeno said almost a bit rudely, and it made Renjun scrunch up his nose. It was as if Jeno was making light of Renjun’s emotions. It was as if Jeno was downplaying his feelings or shoving them to the side.

Jeno continued “ But he doesn’t like you back,” Jeno said those words but felt as if he were spitting lies. He knew a lot about Jaemin. He knew how his friend acted, and to say that Jaemin doesn’t like Renjun back felt like a pure lie, but right now, all Jeno could think about was how much he wanted Renjun, “But you chose to play this game, Renjun. And you’re here now,” 

Jeno stepped closer and tilted the smaller boy’s face up before speaking again, voice low, “Don’t you think…”  
Jeno brought his lips down to Renjun, giving him a deep kiss and Renjun didn’t pull away, thinking on Jeno’s words. _He doesn’t like you back_. It hurt, and the pain that he feels in his chest turned into an unfair anger., “...it’s time…” Jeno’s lips trailed down to Renjun neck, his most sensitive part, and Renjun let out a little sigh, “...that you take a little…” Jeno’s hands trailed down his back until they reached his hips and Jeno pulled their bodies together, “...for yourself?”

Jeno pulled back and looked at Renjun for a response. 

The smaller boy looked up at Jeno with big eyes, curious but at the same time filled with a desire to patch up a broken heart . In the position they were standing, with their hips together, Renjun could feel Jeno’s hardness growing against him and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t just a bit curious and eager for a distraction. He thought back to Jeno’s proposition that he take out his sexual frustration on Jeno, and the idea never sounded better than now. Especially when all he was trying to do was forget Na Jaemin. Forget Jaemin and his gorgeous face. His gorgeous body. His sinful touch. 

Renjun thought of Jeno’s hands on his waist, and he knew it would never match the absolute flutter of butterflies in his stomach that Jaemin gave him when he did the same thing. He thought of Jeno’s lips that were on his own earlier, and he knew that it would not feel like a flood after a year-long desert drought like when Jaemin had kissed him. He thought of Jeno’s hands on his cheek, not as gentle as Jaemin’s, not as filled with emotional backstory and depth, not as laced with a lifetime’s worth of memories all made in less than a full year, and knew it would not feel the same. 

But right now, that would have to do. 

**////** **_M_ ** **///**

Slowly, Renjun without breaking eye contact, brought his hand down to where he felt Jeno’s hardening member was growing, tracing the outside through his pants. It was large, and Renjun bit his lip. His actions seemed to provoke a positive response from the other boy, and Jeno’s breath seemed to catch in his throat as he waited for Renjun’s next move. Suddenly, Jeno felt a sense of smugness, as if he was triumphing in something. He wasn’t expecting the Renjun to slowly drop down to his knees in front of him, face only illuminated by the pale dim wall light plugged into the wall outlet a couple meters away. 

The sight of Renjun on his knees, hands massaging over Jeno’s clothed member was enough to drive him crazy. He wasn’t sure how to act. Having wanted this for so long, so excruciatingly long, and now getting it felt like a victory he wanted to ingrain into his mind. The sight of it. Renjun was so teasingly slow and although Jeno wanted to be impatient, he didn’t want to risk the smaller boy stopping what he was doing. 

Finally, Renjun pulled his pants down just enough that he could reach his petite hands inside and slip it through before bringing out Lee Jeno’s dick, hard as a rock. The sensation of Renjun’s hands on it was making his breathing labored. Slender fingers. Tight grip. Teasing touches. It only got worse when Renjun finally brought the tip to his lips and swirled his tongue around the head. The small but powerful action made him shudder, mind completely fazed over at the sensation. 

Jeno placed his hands on the wall to stabilize himself. Renjun smiled at the sound, and only made it more intense as he put the pre-cum leaking cock in his mouth, taking it in slowly and teasingly until he found it fitting down his throat slickly. _Fuck_ , Jeno chanted over and over again as he tries his best to stay calm as Renjun throat fucks him. 

In Jeno’s head, he wondered if Jaemin was thinking about what they were doing in here right now. He wondered if Jaemin would have liked to see Renjun, who Jaemin was so fond of and spent so much of his time with, on his knees in front of someone else. In front of him. The thought of it made Jeno both satisfied and angry at the same time, and when he looked down to see what was happening below him, the smug pleasure was even more enjoyable. Renjun’s pretty lips were slick, and the pressure of his mouth made Jeno go insane. 

He put a hand on Renjun’s head and guided his movement deeper. Renjun let him, enjoying the moans he was emitting out of the other boy. Renjun knew what he was doing, and although a part of himself felt a complacent payback against Jaemin, Renjun wasn’t going to make that his primary reason for doing this. Renjun took it all in, moving his head back and forth on the shaft, and when he got to the head, he would make sure to swirl his tongue underneath where most of the sensitive nerves were. That always seemed to emit something out of Jeno. 

**\\\\\\\E\\\\\\\**

It seemed as if he forgot they were on a time limit, for a knock was then heard at the door. It was a rough knock. Jeno turned his head towards the sound, muttering a _shit_. But Renjun didn’t stop. His lips kept on moving back and forth. Renjun knew he was playing a dangerous game, and the self-satisfaction of finally getting his mind away from a certain someone made him continue. 

“Time’s up,” He heard from outside the door, a voice familiar and sounded impatient. Renjun could recognize that voice from a mile away: deep in timber, peculiar in sound but pleasing to the ear. Jaemin’s vocal color was unmistakable. Hearing it made Renjun almost angrier, almost more hurt. 

Jeno growled, “If Jaemin doesn’t fuck off, I’m going to-” Jeno couldn’t finish before he let out a moan as Renjun continues to take him deeper. Jeno kept calling Renjun’s name like it was the last time he’ll ever hear it. 

The knock on the door got more demanding, but Jeno kept ignoring it, preferring rather to focus his attention elsewhere.

Suddenly, the door opened and a person stepped in. The person closed the door back up behind him. Jeno knew who it was before he even turned to look. When he did, Jeno gave Jaemin a smug wink before turning his head up to the ceiling in bliss, as if wanting to show Jaemin just how much he was _enjoying_ this. Jeno wanted to show Jaemin just how good it felt. Renjun, on the other hand, gave no fucks. For just a few more seconds, he kept on sucking the soul out of Lee Jeno before finally pulling away, wiping at his mouth as he did so.

He pulled away, eyes hooded in a self-congratulatory daze. Jeno zips himself back up and he stares at Renjun as if still hungry. 

“You done?” Na Jaemin said with an edge to his voice. The sharpness could be heard from a mile away. The pink-haired boy was standing at the entrance, back leaned up against the wall as he grinded his teeth together to himself. 

Lee Jeno laughed but there was no humor to it. The arrogance was thick in his voice. He wanted to push it further, drunk with the power of knowing Na Jaemin just witnessed this. The two friends were already slightly on edge from last night, with the whole fiasco of who was going to take Renjun home from the after party. An uneasy tension sat thick between them. 

Jeno looked up and spoke with the intention to provoke, “Not really, but me and Renjunnie here can take this somewhere else if you’re so eager to use this room. What bitch are you fucking now?”

Renjun, eyes wide from the clear hostility in their exchange, inserted himself in. The cruelty was evident in Jeno’s voice. He wasn’t sure why Jeno was acting like this. It was almost as if Renjun had given him too much power that he could not handle, “Jeno, sto-”

Jaemin looked dangerous, pulling himself off the wall, voice sharp like the edge of a blade, “Who said I was using it, Lee?”

This time, Jeno really laughed, nodding to himself as if having an epiphany, “Oh, so you just came to watch? Did you like what you see?”

Renjun’s brows furrowed as he stood there cautiously, gauging the situation to see where this was headed. It was going towards murky and dangerous waters, but he was not sure what to say yet. Renjun looked at Jeno, concerned by what looked to be a stick of revenge and smugness stuck up his ass. The way he flaunted it made Renjun angry, and he was about to speak up on the behavior but Jeno beat him to it. 

Lee Jeno continued, turning his body towards Jaemin almost tauntingly, “What did you think of it, Na? Renjun is so pretty on his knees like that in front of me, isn’t he?” His voice was dripping with spite, and Jaemin stepped towards Jeno slowly, almost threateningly, as Jeno continued, “Can you imagine how good it felt to feel my dick buried deep in his mouth? It felt so good, Jaemin. To hear him moan with a mouth full? Should we do it for you again to see?”

“Get out,” Jaemin said with finality. Right now, Jaemin did not see Jeno as his best friend. He only saw red. He was fuming with anger, and it was getting hard to control.

Renjun didn’t just stand idly. He moved himself off of the spot he rooted himself at , this time his attention turning towards Jeno, voice angry, “Jeno, what the fuck are you doi-”

Jeno continued, ignoring Renjun, getting up real close to Na Jaemin and taunted, “I would have cummed down his throat if you hadn’t interu-”

Before Jeno could finish his sentence, Jaemin stepped forward and gave a hard shove at his friend, sending Jeno tumbling backwards but still standing. The shove was rough, and the sound it made could have knocked someone’s ribs out. 

“Don’t be so fucking disrespectful,” Jaemin gritted through his teeth, “Stop talking about Renjun as if you own him.” 

Jeno laughed while getting back in a stable position, “It sure felt like it just now.” 

Na Jaemin sarcastically let out a sound _,_ “Suddenly, you think you have something to hold over my head now? Is that it?”

“Actually,” Jeno gave him a sarcastic but deadly smile back, “I do think so.”

Renjun was raging with blatant disrespect. Not only was he being talked about as if he was not just standing there, but the way Jeno was talking about him was disgusting, as if Jeno was using him to taunt Jaemin. Renjun knew that the boy probably did it out of jealousy, but that did not make it any less a shitty thing to do. Jeno was out of his usual character, and Renjun understood that it was because he had given Jeno the key to a floodgate and now the boy couldn’t handle himself and this newfound sense of power. But although Renjun _understood_ , that does _not_ mean he was forgiving. 

Renjun will tolerate many things, but if it is one thing he will not stand, it is disrespect. His choices, his actions, his intimate life will _not_ be used as a trophy to brag to others with. It will _not_ be used as a checkmark in someone’s revenge fantasy. 

Both Jaemin and Jeno looked as if they were going to rip each other’s throats out and he had to intervene. Renjun was not going to be that person in all of the stories who will stand around, freak out, and cry _please stop, please stop_ uselessly as two people were going to fight and acting like complete idiots in front of him.

Before one of them could kill each other, Renjun stepped forward in between them, angrily, “I’m not going to be stepped over like a fucking weakling who can’t speak for themselves. Both of you _will_ listen to me, and you _will_ listen closely.” He spoke with authority.

Na Jaemin was not sure whether or not to be absolutely mesmerized and proud by the mere strength of Renjun’s command and strong will, or angry that he couldn’t throw a fist at Jeno. 

Renjun first turned to Lee Jeno, and before the boy could even find the reflexes to defend himself, Renjun slapped him hard across the face. His hands stung after he did it, but it was necessary. Jeno held his cheek and looked at the boy, watching as Renjun, for as small as he was, held the vicious energy of a giant. 

Then Renjun seethed, “I don’t know why you did what you just did, why you spoke about me like I am some type of trophy, but what did you gain from it? Pride? Arrogance? That you got me to suck you off? I did that for _your_ pleasure, Lee Jeno. Not for you to go around taunting it as if it’s some prize. Not for you to disrespect my name as if I’m not standing here.”

“Renjun, you don’t under-” Jeno began, voice a little pleading. 

This time, instead of Jeno interrupting Renjun, it was Renjun who interrupted Lee Jeno, “Oh but I _do_ understand. I understand your motives, but that still does not mean what you did was acceptable to do..” Renjun practically scolded in an angry shout, “This is not like you, Jeno. You tell me you like me, but you need to put it more in your actions than in your words. If you want me to believe that you actually mean what you say, then you can begin through your actions. The next time you talk to me, it better be an apology. A good _fucking_ apology.” 

And then Renjun turned around to Jaemin and used all of his energy to give the boy a shove backwards. Usually, Jaemin would not budge but this time, Renjun channeled his rage into it and Jaemin took a couple steps backwards. 

Renjun was seeing red and his voice almost broke while speaking, “And you. Don’t you fucking dare try to get involved in who I choose to mess around with as if you don’t go out with someone every other day without giving a shit about anyone else.”

“Is this what it’s about?” Jaemin asked incredilously, “I didn’t fucking come in here to tell you who you can or cannot suck off, Renjun. I came in because your goddamn time was up.” 

Renjun went quiet, heat coming up to his neck, “Oh.”

Behind him, Lee Jeno didn’t take it, “What a dumb fucking excuse, Jaemin, and you know it.” Jeno scoffed, “Because our _time_ was up? Since when did you care about a stupid game like this?”

Jaemin stood silent, head looking to the side as he shifted his weight to the left. 

Jeno continued, “You don’t give a shit about this game. If this was _anyone_ else. _Anyone else_ besides Renjun, you would not give a damn how long I was in here. We both know the truth here, just admit it.”

Jaemin narrowed his eyes dangerously at Jeno, moving Renjun out of the way who was just now confused, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Tell him. Tell Renjun then, Jaemin.” Jeno said, while gesturing to Renjun, “Tell him what happened last night.”

Renjun looked at the both of them in confusion. It seemed as if he was out of the loop of the conversation, for the references Jeno was making were not going through to his head. _If this was anyone else. Anyone else besides Renjun, you would not give a damn_ , Jeno had said. Renjun’s head hurt from trying to riddle what that was supposed to mean, and what the two boys in front of him knew that he didn’t. 

Jaemin’s fists were clenched, and his body language seemed as if he was holding back from throwing himself on Jeno. The tension was so thick in the air that Renjun felt like the ceiling would crumble any moment from handling the stress. Jaemin’s face looked like he was warning Jeno not to continue any further or _else_. Renjun backed away, unsure what was going on. 

Jeno continued, voice growing louder with every word, “Tell him how you couldn’t fucking get it up for Minah last night. Or yet, tell him how you can barely have sex anymore even when you go home with people because you can’t get yourself turned on. And then try saying to his face again that the reason you came in here while I was throat-fucking him was because the _time was up_. Look in his eyes and tell him.” Jeno spat, “He’d know you’re lying before you’d even finish your sentence.” 

Renjun did not have time to think too hard on it, for he was more concerned with what Na Jaemin did next. 

Na Jaemin roughly came up to Jeno and grabbed him by the collar, a bit violently, pulling him close and the two of them stared each other down. The strain was heavy and suffocating in the air and the two best friends looked almost murderous. Jaemin was on the offensive end, while Jeno seemed to be on the defensive. A million words could be said between the harsh glares exchanged between one another.

Now, Renjun was more confused, barely understanding what Jeno was hinting at, and having no idea _why_ Jeno _would_ hint at that. In his head, a million thoughts ran past. What did Jeno _mean_ Jaemin couldn’t get it up for Minah? And what did that have to do with Renjun? Suddenly, he thought back to earlier this morning when Chenle had told him that Jeno knew what happened between Minah and Jaemin last night. But still, what did he mean Jaemin goes home with people but isn't able to do anything with them? And what did that have to do with Renjun? And what about the rumors? It all played with his mind, and Renjun looked at the two people in front of him, only seconds from a full on brawl. 

“Jaemin…” Renjun’s voice came out in a small fracture. 

At the voice, the voice that always pulled him back down to the ground, the voice that melted like sweet honey in his ears. Renjun’s voice. Undoubtedly the most beautiful voice Jaemin ever hears. No matter how many things Jaemin will try to make himself deny, he could never deny that: the fact that he looked forward to hearing that voice every day he wakes up. The fact that nothing else could compare to Renjun’s laugh, his tangents, the way Renjun says his name, even the cute bickering. 

Hearing Renjun say his voice just now, it knocked Jaemin out of his rage induced rampage. Jaemin, hands still on Jeno’s collar, turned his gaze until his eyes rested on a beautiful boy he calls his friend. Renjun looked utterly confused and in shock. His lips were parted slightly and eyes looked as if he had a million questions. A million questioned hidden in his head.

But Renjun only asked one, “What is Jeno talking about?” He asked softly, in referencing to all Jeno had said.

He wanted some sort of clarification, some clarity amidst this maze of confusion. It felt like his brain was being twisted and pulled in ten different directions, and he just wanted to know _what_ was going _on_. 

Jaemin parted his lips, honestly not knowing what to tell Renjun. Hell, he didn’t even know what to tell Jeno. A beat of silence passed, and no one moved or said anything; only anticipating who was going to break the ice. It seemed to go on forever. They all stood seemingly paralyzed. A single move and this could either end bloodily or peacefully. Renjun was holding his breath. 

Finally, after what felt like years, Jaemin let go of Jeno’s shirt and stepped back, his head turned up towards the ceiling in frustration. Jeno relaxed his grip too and he ran his fingers through his own hair. Both Jeno and Jaemin still stood facing each other, a thousand conversations happening between them just in their heads, and shown in their eyes. There was no look of rage now, but rather, if Renjun was not mistaken, pity. On both sides. 

Renjun stood there, not sure what to make of the situation, but then Jeno spoke up, this time his voice was quieter and directed towards Renjun. 

“Renjun, we need a moment.”

The smaller boy bit his lip, disliking that he was still left confused more than ever, but he nodded, understanding that there was something going on here that they needed to fix. A problem that was beyond his current understanding. And he turned his back and left, head spinning from what the fuck just happened. And what the fuck Jeno had said. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Renjun calms himself down by sitting with his friends, who were now playing a different card game. He doesn’t play himself, but he sits there watching. The lighter mood at the table helps relieve his anxiety and instead of rage, he is just left with confusion. He was still thinking about what Jeno had said. All of the things about Jaemin that he didn’t know. The way Jeno used the events that happened against Jaemin as if Jeno knew they would affect Jaemin as much as they did. Jaemin was giving strange signals and it was making Renjun upset. He wished the pink-haired boy didn’t have to make everything so damn complicated.

Renjun stays like that for a while, sitting around the couch watching his friends play cards. Since he wasn’t playing himself, he was able to see his friend’s hands and it brought him enjoyment to make slick, hinting comments that confused the players. 

Renjun could feel himself relaxing a little bit, until Jeno and Jaemin both come down the corridor. Both of them seemed to have made up, for they were having what seemed to be a private, but non-hostile conversation on their way to the couches where their group was playing cards. It was as if nothing happened. There was barely any tension between the two, and Renjun was even more confused. Jeno pats Jaemin on the back as they sit down, and Renjun’s brows furrowed. They were literally at each other’s throat not too long ago, and now they seem closer friends than before? It didn’t make sense. 

Renjun’s body tensed but he made himself calm. Jeno sat on the opposite side of him, and Renjun refuses to meet his eyes. Not until he apologizes for being absolutely disrespectful and utterly asshole-ish. It didn’t help to know that it wasn’t too long ago that he was giving Jeno head. The thought now made him shiver in repulsion, knowing the hell it spawned from its aftermath. Renjun knew that everyone had their moments when they lose control, but that doesn’t mean it should be excused. 

He felt the couch shift beside him, and then the smell of a familiar cologne that Renjun loved way too much entered his nose. It was the smell of home. It was the smell of Na Jaemin, whose aura, if he believed in those things, was so strong that it was suffocating just to be around Jaemin. Renjun hid his face with his hair, not wanting to look at Jaemin. The pink-haired boy didn’t say anything to Renjun for a while, not on purpose. It just seemed as if he was tired, and Renjun, whenever he would peek over, could see it in Jaemin’s face. Furrowed but tired brows. Lips turned flat. 

Both Jeno and Jaemin draw from the deck of cards and join in on the game, acting as if nothing happened. The game went on as usual, with thirty minute plays. Renjun starts to relax again, and even chuckles a little when Jaemin or Jeno makes a funny comment, although he is still crossed with the both of them. Renjun was still perplexed, wanting to lean over and ask Jaemin what had happened.

He knew that if they were back to normal, Jaemin would have ranted to him well before he even had the _chance_ to ask what had unfolded. However, they _weren’t_ their normal selves. And something told Renjun that whatever had happened in that room between Jeno and Jaemin was not going to be revealed to him at this point, especially when it seemed to involve Renjun himself. So he doesn’t ask. Good, he thought. It saves him from having to converse. 

When the game ends, Mark ended up winning and asked to play again. 

They prepare for another round, with the card dealer taking up all of everyone’s cards and reshuffling them. 

During this time, everyone was making conversation with someone else, waiting until everything was shuffled and dealt. Small talk, here and there. Renjun just sat there quietly. To his left, Chenle was talking to Jisung. To his right, there was, well, Na Jaemin. Even Jeno was talking to Taeyong about something pertaining to soccer. The awkward stemming from the silence was unbearable. Renjun sat there staring down at his hands, fidgeting with the stylistic rips in his jeans. 

And then, finally, Jaemin spoke up. 

“Are you okay?” Jaemin asked, turning to look over at the silver-haired beauty next to him.

“Yeah,” Renjun nodded, not looking at Jaemin. Instead, he stared at the sanded mahogany coffee table they were all gathered around. 

A beat of silence. An air of awkwardness hung between them. It was so uncomfortable, especially when the two of them would never describe their dynamic as _awkward_. They were always so talkative and lively when around each other that now, in the current state as they are, it was so awfully uncomfortable. Unnatural, even. 

Jaemin voiced up again, sounding hopeful, “So you got what I dropped off at your house earlier?” 

Renjun nodded, pulling at the strings of his ripped jeans until they came loose in thin white threads. 

Jaemin tried to ignore the passiveness, “Did you like it?”

 _I loved it_ , Renjun thought to himself. But he didn’t say it. Instead, Renjun let out a breath, “Jaemin, you gave me a bag of oceanwater.” 

“I just…” Jaemin sounded a little hurt, and it made Renjun’s heart twinge and want to give in. Jaemin sounded _so_ hurt, it pained him, “...thought you’d like it.” 

Renjun didn’t say anything. All he wanted to do was dissapear and save himself from this conversation he didn’t want to be having. Partially because it was _so_ incredibly awkward and partially because hearing Na Jaemin sound dejected with every offstandish and curt reply he gave made Renjun want to cry and throw himself in Jaemin’s arms. 

The pink-haired boy didn’t give up.

“Where were you today, Renjun? In the evening?” Jaemin asked, voice concerned.

This time, Renjun looked over to meet his eyes, and saw that Jaemin’s voice was careful, gaze searching for some answer, “Home.”

Jaemin nodded. It was an unsatisfactory answer, “Why didn’t you want to ride?”

 _Because you’d be there_. “I just didn’t.”

Jaemin pursed his lips, picking up his new deck of cards. It was getting _very_ hard to deal with the obvious tension between himself and Renjun, “Since when?” 

“Since now,” Renjun said frustrated, and then he turned to look Jaemin dead in the eye, snapping, “When are you going to stop asking so many fucking questions?”

Jaemin replied with just as much frustration, raising his voice, “When are you going to tell me what’s going on, and not be so fucking passive with me?” 

Silence. 

Everyone who was about to play the game got quiet, and suddenly all eyes were on Renjun and Jaemin. An awkwardness filled the air as everyone held onto their decks and stared at the bickering pair. Everyone had noticed the obvious tension between Jaemin and Renjun the moment they had arrived at the party, but it was tolerable up until now. 

Finally, Kun put his foot down, “Okay, you two are out. We don’t know what the fuck is going on between you two but you both need to get off the couch. You can come back when you two stop bringing down the whole mood.”

“Wait, wh-” Renjun started but before he could finish complaining, he alongside Jaemin were pulled off the couch unanimously by the group of people and the empty space was quickly taken up by the others, who gave them a sarcastic wave. 

“ _Kun_ ,” Renjun narrowed his eyes at his friend, who paid him no attention.

“Look, we love you Renjun,” Chenle said hesitantly, “But Kun’s right.”

Renjun sighed, visibly angry, and walked outside, back on the lawn. 

Behind him, he heard footsteps trailing him, already knowing who it was. Every of his senses seemed to be amplified now. The ringing in his ears from how loud everyone inside the party was, even without music blaring, contrasted with the relative quietness of the yard. How bright the lights were from the lamps placed around the lawn. The smell of grass. The footsteps loud behind him. 

“So are you going to tell me why you’ve been fucking M.I.A. with me all day or what?” Jaemin asked with a frustrated tone as he runs ahead and stands in front of the smaller boy on the lawn right below an oak tree that stood in Taeyong’s front lawn, “I’ve been trying to talk to you all day and you don’t give me a goddamn second of your time.”

“I’ve been _busy,”_ Renjun seethed through his teeth, pushing the boy away with his hands. Jaemin didn’t budge. 

Jaemin stepped closer, almost taunting him, “Doing _what_? Thinking of all the ways you can make me go crazy?” 

“That’s _ironic_ ,” Renjun dryly laughed, “That is so goddamn ironic.”

“Oh yeah?” Jaemin challenged him, looking down angrily at his friend, “How so.”

“It’s ironic coming from someone who,” Renjun shoved Jaemin’s chest with every word, “drives, me, crazy, every, single, _fucking_ , day.”

And then Renjun demanded to know, “How does it feel, huh?”

Jaemin pushes Renjun’s hands away when Renjun tries to shove Jaemin again, stepping forward making Renjun step back, “It feels like shit, Renjun. It makes me feel like shit. Is that what you want to hear?” His face showed immense frustration, “It makes me feel like shit when I can’t seem to talk to you. When I can’t make you laugh even a little bit. When I can’t get even a second of your time.”

“Why do you even care?” Renjun asked provoked, “You have a million friends and people around you who will talk to you, laugh with you, give you all the attention in the damn world. Why the hell do you even bother.”

“Because I care about you. Because a million friends are fine, and call me selfish but I want a million and one. I might have a million friends, but it doesn’t matter if none of them are you,” Jaemin said with a serious, most straight face, “I care about you, and I hate when you act like you can’t stand me. Because then,” Jaemin suddenly sounded hesitant, “...because then, it seems like the beginning of this year when you _did_ hate me.”

“You act like there wasn’t a reason I hated you,” Renjun said slowly and through gritted teeth. 

Jaemin went quiet at that, not being able to deny Renjun’s statement. Finally, the topic that they had always been avoiding arrived. Jaemin knew the day would come when they would have to talk about it, but he didn’t think that day was going to be today. Jaemin wondered when he would have to face the unspoken situation they were addressing now, and he would be lying if he said he didn't stay up some nights thinking about it. And thinking about what to say when it came. He looked at Renjun. They stood silently, ready to open the doors for this painful but necessary conversation. 

"There was." Jaemin spoke tersely, "There _was_ a reason. I was an asshole. I didn't put effort into anything. I didn't want to change anything about my life then. I didn't want to face the fact that you reminded me of a life that I could have. So I left. I left because I was afraid of you. I don't even know why. I left because I was naive and I didn't know the value of commitment to a friendship as priceless as yours."

"That's all you have to say?" Renjun asked, "I fucking hated you. You threw me aside as if I was something to keep you occupied in the summer, you absolute asshole."

"You weren't." Jaemin still spoke as if he was biting back more words, "I was just an asshole, Renjun. I was just an asshole who didn't know what was important. So going back to what you said, _yes_. There was a reason why you hated me. But tell me. Can you say that reason is still relevant today?"

Renjun didn't say anything. It wasn't. It wasn't relevant. Because hating Jaemin was the last thing he felt. 

When Jaemin spoke, he did so in a gentle but firm voice, “How much do I have to change until you realize I won’t do that to you again, Renjun: that I won't do what I did to you in the summer. How many nights do I have to stay by your side even after you say it’s fine to leave until you know I’m here to stay? How many days do I have to follow you around begging for you to spend even ten minutes with me before you know that it’s you who have the power now, not me? How much do I have to prove to you I’ve changed until you realize that I wouldn’t give you up for the world, that I wouldn’t...” Jaemin struggled to say it, “...take you for granted again.”

Renjun listened, and each word slapped him in the face. It reopened a wound. It opened a scab that he had already been picking at the moment he arrived in Sokcho. They had never even discussed this before. It was always a topic they would shove aside and ignore when they were together. But it was always the elephant in the room. 

There was always the unspoken story of a summer friendship that blossomed too quickly and was cut too short. Of an abandoned boy in Yangyanggan and a pompous bastard too consumed in his own life in Sokcho. Renjun picked through Jaemin’s words just now and could hear no lies. Deep inside his heart, Renjun had already known it. Known what Jaemin said was true. Renjun could sense that Jaemin had changed since their summer from a mile away. The way he made sure to never make Renjun feel alone, with his daily visits to the dock, even when Renjun didn’t want him there. The way he made sure to not give Renjun a second to breath, making up for the lost time that Jaemin had given up. Jaemin had given up social events for Renjun before, giving up time, given up energy. Jaemin made no signs that he was going to leave Renjun again. The only thing that hadn’t changed is Jaemin’s obliviousness. Other than that, it was obvious that there was something different about Na Jaemin. 

And although the thought that Jaemin wouldn’t leave again used to be what Renjun dreamed of, it no longer brought him the same sense of happiness. 

Because Jaemin not leaving again meant that Renjun would spend the rest of his life by Jaemin’s side, being nothing more than friends. It meant that Renjun would be there as Jaemin ventured through college, as Jaemin meets future partners, as Jaemin gets married, as Jaemin ultimately falls in love with someone that wasn’t him. And although Renjun knows that he cannot make someone love him if they don’t feel the same way, it was still a painful burden that Renjun was not sure he was able to bear.

“It’s not even about that anymore,” Renjun said while shaking his head, his voice quiet. The crickets in the bushes and the chattering from inside the house seemed a little too loud now. Every detail on Jaemin’s face a little too clear. 

“Then what is it,” Jaemin demanded, “Is this...is this because of last night? With Minah?”

Renjun bit the inside of his cheek, “No.”

“Then goddamnit, Renjun, what is it?” Jaemin grabbed at his own hair.

Renjun turned his head away, “I _can’t_ tell you.”

“Why not?” Jaemin looked up to the sky, as if pleading for help from God, “You always tell me everything. Why can’t you tell me this?” 

“I just can’t,” Renjun exclaimed, wanting so badly for Jaemin to stop asking him such difficult questions.

“Yes, you can, Renjun. Don’t be a coward and just tell me what the hell is wrong,” Jaemin accused. 

“If I tell you then I’d have to kill you,” Renjun repeated in a more adamant tone. 

“Then kill me,” Jaemin exclaimed, looking as exhausted from this conversation than ever, “I might be dramatic but it’s better than leaving us off like this without knowing what I ever did wrong. It’s better than losing one of the best things that has ever happened to me.” 

Renjun buried his face in his hands and shook his head, “No, Jaemin, you are _not_ allowed to say that to me. You _can’t_ just say things like that.”

“Why not?” Jaemin begged the question. 

“Because…” Renjun wanted to say it. He was tempted to say it. _Because I love you_. But he didn’t. He couldn’t., “Because…” He repeated, not knowing what to say. 

“Because what,” Jaemin snapped, impatiently, “Here you go again, making claims when you have _no_ idea what you even mean.”

“Jesus _Christ,_ ” Renjun just about yelled, frustrated that Jaemin always saw through him, “You’re so fucking annoying. I hate you. I’ve always hated you. I hated you then. And I hate you now.”

Renjun sounded childish, but he didn’t know what else to say without revealing that he didn’t just _not_ hate Jaemin, but he was in love with him. Now, Renjun considered himself a good liar, but nothing had ever sounded more fake than what he had just said, and it showed. The moment he said it, Renjun knew Jaemin would see through the lie. 

“Renjun,” Jaemin laughed dryly in disbelief, “You _know_ that isn’t true.”

Renjun’s fist clenched and his chest heaved. He looked away to keep himself from crying. He would give anything to be out of this conversation right now. His clothes felt too hot for him. Taeyong’s lawn felt too small for him. Everything was too _much_. Biting his lip, Renjun turned and walked away. He had been driven here by his friends, but Renjun had no problem walking the 35 minutes home if it meant he got to leave the suffocation of the party. He shouldn’t have come in the first place.

“Fuck,” Jaemin cursed to himself and quickly caught up to the smaller boy, “Renjun, get back here. It’s a fucking half hour walk home.”

“I know,” Renjun replied through gritted teeth, not turning around. It was a Thursday night and no one was particularly going around Sokcho. They had the entire streets to themselves to argue and fight in if they wanted to. Jaemin had not hesitated a second to follow Renjun out of the party, and suddenly, it seemed as if the streets of Sokcho were _also_ too small for him. 

They were both outside of the party now, walking down the street. Na Jaemin did not give up. He kept after the smaller boy, who seemed determined to go home. 

“Do you think that ignoring me will make me go away?” Jaemin asked him incredulously. The hard asphalt underneath his feet was nothing compared to the hardheaded stubbornness he felt to make amends with Renjun. 

Renjun lashed, “You went away in the summer. Why won’t you just fuck off now?” 

Na Jaemin rolled his eyes and groaned as he continued catching up behind the smaller. They would be passing Jaemin’s house in less than a minute. He could see his house about a dozen meters away, “I don’t understand you, Renjun. I don’t understand what’s your damn problem. Do I have to marry you to make you believe that I won’t leave?”

Renjun stopped all of a sudden right when he was walking in front of Jaemin’s house and turned to face the pink-haired boy, pushing Jaemin backwards. The boy barely moved. Renjun defended, “I’m not afraid you will leave. Not anymore. If anything, I’m afraid you _won’t_ leave.” 

Jaemin’s brows furrowed and he rubbed his temples, “That doesn’t make any fucking sense, Renjun.”

Renjun now lets it out, He snapped, “When I finally realized that you’ve changed, and you weren’t going to leave like last time, at first I was happy. You hear me? At first I was happy.”

Jaemin didn’t say anything. He just waited for Renjun to continue. 

“And then, I realized...that the notion of you not going anywhere _terrified_ me. It terrified me because I can’t do it any longer, Jaemin. I can’t live every day by your side, being with you, next to you, knowing that I can’t have what I truly want.” Renjun let out a charged rant. 

“And what the fuck might that be?” Jaemin stared him down, chest heaving out of frustration and vexation. 

Renjun bit his lip. He wasn’t going to say. He can’t say. He stood there, breathing heavily, not knowing how to reply. Not knowing how to tell Jaemin that what he truly wanted was him, in all of his entirety. He wanted Jaemin’s hugs. His kisses. His dates. His smiles. His soul. His body. His mind. His entire being. How could he say that? He wouldn’t. 

Renjun turned to walk away again, but before he could, Jaemin reached an arm out to pull Renjun back and hold him in place.

“We are _not_ doing this again, Renjun,” He seethed, looking in Renjun’s eyes for some answer.

“Just leave me _alone_ ,” Renjun snapped harshly. 

“No,” Jaemin incredulously replied. 

“Then this is harassment,” Renjun pushed. 

Jaemin laughed, knowing that Renjun was just pulling at straws at this point, “You know what your problem is, Renjun?”

Renjun bit back at the boy angrily, “What’s my problem? Go ahead, tell me.” 

Jaemin laughed at him as if mocking the boy, “Your problem is that you want things, but you never make a fucking move to get it.”

“What does that even _mean_ ,” His eyes narrowed, his breath hitched. 

“It means what I said, Renjun. Yes, I admit it. I’m fucking stupid sometimes. I am dense. I don’t understand things a lot. I accidentally hurt people without thinking of my actions. But I’m not the only one who is flawed here. We both have flaws. And yours? Your biggest problem, Renjun, is that you think you already know everything. You think you know if something is going to turn out bad before you even do it, so you never chase after it. You think you know the answers to your questions before you even ask them, so you don’t even bother asking to begin with. You have wants, but you _never_ go after it.” Jaemin’s voice escalated with every word, “Hell, you don’t even tell anyone what you want, so how the fuck does anyone know to give it to you? You’re always acting so cryptic, always beating around the bush instead of saying what you really want to say. You’re always thinking of things, but you never voice any of it. You’re always expecting me to read your mind and know what you want me to do, but I _can’t_ do that. So how about you just fucking admit what you want, for once?”

Renjun grabbed onto Jaemin’s shirt, bunching in it up his fists and pulled the pink-haired boy closer until they were closer than what’s considered comfortable. 

He looked into Jaemin’s eyes and spoke through his teeth. He hated that _every_ single thing Na Jaemin had just said was right. He hated that Jaemin spoke nothing but the _truth_ , “You want me to admit it? You want me to admit what I want?”

Na Jaemin looked down at the boy, not hesitating, “Fucking say it.” 

Huang Renjun didn’t say it. 

Instead, he pulled Jaemin down until their lips met with a crash that rivaled any others. Suddenly, it felt as if the world had stopped. The breeze no longer whistled in the night. The moonlight seemed to get shy watching the two. The hands of clocks seemed to have paused in position. All Renjun felt was the sudden sweetness of Jaemin’s lips in an abrupt moment of impact. The city held its breath. 

He had pulled Jaemin down for a kiss that he poured his heart into, he poured his _entire_ heart into. But it wasn’t gentle. No, it wasn’t. 

Jaemin didn’t deserve gentle. Renjun kissed him with all the force he had, tasting the boy’s lips as if it was the last thing he will ever taste before the world comes crashing down.

“Renj-”

“Shut up,” Renjun breathed, eyes still closed, forehead resting against Jaemin’s, “Just give me what I want.” 

And with that, Renjun pulled him back down to meet his lips, arms placed around Jaemin’s nape. This time, Na Jaemin kissed back, almost more ferociously than Renjun had. Jaemin’s hands held his waist, bringing his body closer until they were one. This time, their kiss wasn’t under some pretense. It was just _Renjun_ wanting it. Their lips dance with one another in a fiery show. If Jaemin was the War, then his lips were Renjun’s battlefield. They fought it out. It was as if Renjun was releasing everything that he had built up into that kiss, and it was _sweet_ _euphoria._ It was like being in a room with a million doors while having one single key, and finally finding the door that it fits too. Nothing fit more perfectly. Jaemin’s hands pulled at Renjun’s waist, pushing their bodies closer together. And Renjun knotted his fingers in the pink hair. He felt intoxicated, and barely noticed when he ended up in Na Jaemin’s house. 

The moment Jaemin got the door to open, he pushed the pretty boy inside then locked the door behind him. It was quiet. Not a sound in the perimeter. Not a thing in sight except for each other’s tunnel vision. It was dark in the house, with no lights on, but Renjun could see Jaemin in the moonlight that streamed through the windows clearly. He could see Na Jaemin _so_ clearly. His riled hair. His swollen lips. His swallowing adams apple as he looked at Renjun. 

Renjun didn’t waste any time and walked right back up to Jaemin, meeting him in Jaemin’s arms to be brought into a deep, breathtaking kiss. It felt like the first time _every, single, time_. Nothing exhilarated him more. Renjun pulled at Jaemin’s bottom lip, and the two played a game of tug of war. Not only with their lips but their clothes. 

As Jaemin carried Renjun on his waist, with Renjun’s legs wrapped around him, up the stairs and into his spacious bedroom, Renjun had already began to finger at Jaemin’s shirt, pulling it up and over the man’s head until it was just a piece of discarded fabric on the floor. Renjun ran his fingers across Jaemin’s broad chest, bringing his lips down to leave marks all over his neck and collar. Jaemin was breathing heavily, as if he practiced a marathon for this moment. As soon as Renjun’s back hit the mattress, Na Jaemin was not afraid to tear off the mesh shirt that seemed to crumble under his grip. 

It fell off of Renjun’s body easily, and left his beautiful, milky smooth skin to behold. Gorgeous, graceful collarbones. A slim, but perfectly cinched waist. A constellation of a couple moles scattered here and there like stars. His body was so delicate, yet so breathtaking. Renjun’s eyes looked up at him like stars in the night’s sky. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Jaemin breathed out, amazed and shocked by the mere sight of Renjun like this. He wanted to worship Renjun as if the boy was his religion. 

Jaemin just stared for a moment before speaking as if desperate, “If you let me do this, I’m going to fucking ruin you, Renjun.”

Just him saying that made Renjun want to moan and he pleaded, “Ruin me, then.” 

Jaemin swallowed, “Are you sure?”

Renjun raised an eyebrow. His mind was so cloudy, all he knew was that he wanted this, “Are you usually this polite with everyone else?”

Na Jaemin bit his lip before climbing down, “You’re not everyone else, Renjun.”

Renjun was about to reply, but Jaemin needed no further words. 

Renjun was going to regret it. Renjun was going to regret this. Later, but not now. Right now, Jaemin’s lips sinfully raking over his body felt like satisfaction to his soul. It felt like finding a river after days of walking through a desert with no water. It felt like eating food after a week of starvation. It felt like all he needed was in the form of Na Jaemin. 

**///** **_M_ ****///** ****

The pink-haired boy left marks that dotted along his skin, his collarbone, his neck. His tongue swirled around his nipple and Renjun arched his head back in sensitive pleasure. The pure feeling was as if electric shocks rumbled through his body. Jaemin did this to him. All while using his large hands to feel up Renjun everywhere. The boy let out a lewd moan and Jaemin went crazy over the sound, never having heard a more rich, delicious sound in his life.. He felt his cock further hardening beneath him.

Renjun peeled his own pants off, sliding it off to the floor in a mess before flipping Jaemin over to undo _his_ pants. Jaemin watched as the smaller boy’s nimble fingers fumbled with his waistband before successfully taking it off. 

Renjun wanted to make Jaemin beg for it. He wanted Jaemin to know how it felt to want something _so_ bad. He wanted to drive Jaemin crazy. Renjun ran his fingers across the fabric of his boxers, teasing around the hard outline of Jaemin’s manhood. Jaemin shivered underneath the light, but excruciating touch. It was like jumping to reach a shelf, but you’re always three inches too short. Like making a 99 on a test when one point would have made it a hundred. A sense of impatience brewed within him. Renjun wanted to be cruel, and while doing that, hovered his lips over the solid member through the fabric teasingly. 

_Fuck_ , Jaemin pleaded in a low growl, _Renjun, please._

Just as Jaemin was going to actually lose his mind, Renjun reached under, taking the hard cock out in his hands. He found himself staring at it incredulously for a second there, shocked by just how _big_ Jaemin was. And he wanted to drool. A vein ran through the side and the girth and length both stunned him. He placed his lips near the bottom of the shaft, barely touching it. It was only when Jaemin whispered a rugged _please_ that Renjun finally gave him what he wanted. Twirling the head around in his mouth almost made Na Jaemin shake. The feeling of complete ecstasy overtook him, and it felt as if he was discovering a new world under Renjun’s touch. Renjun surprised him further by taking in his entire length in one go, shocking the pink-haired boy immensely and causing Jaemin to let out deep groans that did too much for Renjun’s mental health. 

Jaemin didn’t know what to do. For the first time in his life, he did not know what to do. Even with the experience he had under his belt, nothing had ever felt like Renjun. The boy took Jaemin in his mouth in stride, hand at the base, and lips putting pressure on all sides. The wet heat from Renjun was like nothing else he had ever experienced. Renjun sent him to outer space. 

Before Renjun could continue, Jaemin stopped him. Pulling out of his mouth and the boy looked up. Lips slick and face all riled up. Jaemin could have came at the sight. 

But instead, he flipped them around, until Renjun was beneath him. An angel splayed out on the sheets, all for his taking. The most beautiful person he had ever met, not just from appearance but from the core of his soul. Renjun was beautiful. The image of Renjun, naked with swollen lips and hooded eyes, underneath him was a powerful one. If he wasn’t careful, it might be the last image he’ll ever see before the sheer power of euphoria takes him. He wouldn’t mind dying like this. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Renjun breathed out with labored words, “It makes me shy.”

Jaemin chuckled, and reached down, placing a sweet kiss onto Renjun’s lips, “Why?” Jaemin kissed his check, “You’re beautiful,” He kissed Renjun’s neck, muttering once more ‘ _beautiful’_ . He kissed Renjun’s collarbone, saying again ‘ _beautiful_.’ Jaemin scattered kisses intimately all over Renjun’s body, telling him he was beautiful after each one. Renjun didn’t even know what to say. Finally, Na Jaemin got up and looked down on the pretty boy beneath him. 

Jaemin reached down to trace Renjun’s lips with his finger. Renjun knew what to do, and he parted his lips, lathering Jaemin’s index finger. The sight was breathtaking. Jaemin moved his hands down. Beneath Renjun, Jaemin began to start working. When the first finger plunged into Renjun, his back arched and he let out a small cry at the sudden intrusion. Jaemin was steady. It was just that Renjun didn’t know how to handle himself. The only person he’s ever wanted this badly, was right here, right now, on top of him, prepping him. It was slow at first, but Jaemin made sure to pick up the speed as Renjun begins to stretch and ask for more. He inserted another finger, pumping in and out of Renjun and gaining pure pleasure just from watching the boy’s face morphe into one of complete bliss. When he inserted a third, Renjun’s hands gripped at Jaemin’s back, nails scratching across the toned muscle as Jaemin continuously finger-fucks him. It was sure to leave red marks the next day. Renjun rides back on the fingers, wanting something bigger, something deeper. 

His cries were loud, but he wanted them to be louder. He wanted the sweet sound of moans to fill the house until there was no space left to fill. He wanted his screams to be etched into Jaemin’s pillow and vibrating through Jaemin’s dreams when he slept. He was going to make it _unforgettable_. 

Finally, Jaemin pulls his fingers out, breathing heavily as he does so, and the sudden emptiness leaves Renjun whimpering for more. 

“Patience, baby,” Jaemin whispered into his skin as his lips climbed up Renjun’s torso, pressing light kisses along the way. It was like the calm before the storm. The storm that was about to rock Renjun’s entire world in its earth-shattering presence. He could feel it brewing inside of him. 

When Jaemin’s lips met his own, something else was happening underneath. Renjun’s legs were still parted, and he could feel the Jaemin’s tip teasing his entrance. _Please_ , Renjun begged quietly into Jaemin’s ear as the boy continued to leave kisses on Renjun’s neck. It was bruised everywhere, but to him, it looked like artwork. Art that was his and his only.

Slowly, Jaemin inched his way inside, careful not to rip Renjun in half. The entire time, Renjun held onto Jaemin’s shoulders as if his soul would leave if he let go. And if he were to be honest, it very well could have. The feeling of being filled up, inch by inch, by no other than Na Jaemin was a high that Renjun wasn’t sure he could ever come down from. Jaemin kept on cursing, overwhelmed by just how tight and satisfying Renjun felt. 

Na Jaemin had nothing to compare it to. He had _never_ felt pleasure this immense, and he wasn’t even _moving_ yet. Not with anyone. The power that Renjun had over him at this moment was one that he could not comprehend himself. He knew that right now, Huang Renjun could ask him to do _anything_ , and Jaemin would do it gladly. He did not know how he was going to recover from this. 

When Jaemin got situated, his entire length buried deep within Renjun, the boy began to beg. The pleads were music to Jaemin’s ears. And Jaemin delivered, every single request and more. If Renjun asked for faster, then that’s what Jaemin gave him. He’d pump faster until Renjun was screaming his name as if he doesn’t know anyone else’s. If Renjun asked for deeper, then that’s what Jaemin gave him. He’d push deeper until Renjun could feel the absence in his stomach two days from now. If Renjun asked for harder, then that’s what Jaemin gave him. 

Their lips move together, only breaking apart when they needed to breathe. But Jaemin rocked the bed so much, he was almost afraid it would break out of its frame. His back stung from Renjun’s sharp nails digging into it, but that was the last thing Jaemin was worried about. He couldn’t find it in him to care. Not when he was inside Renjun, _his_ Renjun. The Renjun that he tried to make himself stop staring at. The Renjun that took him to Yangyanggan to help him relieve his stress. The one that came to watch the stars with him in the middle of the night. Jaemin could not think of anything else when the boy was moaning his name so sinfully, pushing his hips back into every thrust, their sounds of sex were the fuel Jaemin never knew he so desparately needed. For the first time, it was Jaemin who wasn’t sure what to do. Jaemin trailed kisses everywhere, memorizing Renjun’s body with his lips as if he was never going to see it again. 

“Baby, you’re driving me crazy,” Jaemin spoke into Renjun’s neck as he continued to fuck the soul of of Renjun’s body. Sweat went down his neck. 

He didn’t know what to do with himself as he approached his climax. Nothing in the world could have prepared himself for this. It didn’t help that Renjun’s high-pitched claims that he was about to cum only made Jaemin more engaged. He wanted the boy to feel pleasure. Jaemin’s own pleasure was just an afterthought to him, with Renjun’s pleasure being the priority. The sound of Renjun’s voice, the hooded look in his eyes, the pink swell of his lips, were all testament to a job well done. Jaemin revelled in it. 

When he came, Jaemin’s arm trembled from on top. The feeling bloomed in his member but spread through his entire body. He had never felt an orgasm as intense as this one, and it looked as if Renjun felt the same, for when the smaller came, it was the most enjoyable, satisfied sound that could have been emitted from a human being. Jaemin dropped down to his elbows, unable to sustain himself up as he came. It rocked his entire body, and he would bet on his life that this was the greatest physical pleasure he had ever experienced in his life. Jaemin’s face was buried in the crook of Renjun’s neck as he rode out the orgasm, feeling the smaller bathing in the same ecstasy that he was. 

**\\\\\\\** **_E_ ** **\\\\\\\**

It was a moment of pure bliss, and in those seconds, he smelled nothing else but Renjun’s sweet cologne. He tasted nothing else than Renjun’s lips. He felt nothing else than Renjun’s body. He saw nothing else than Renjun’s eyes. He heard nothing else than Renjun’s breathing. Everything was _Renjun_. 

Jaemin had never tried narcotics before, and never planned to. He never tried heroin. He never tried morphine. He never tried opium. He never will. But Jaemin imagines that any given one of those drugs had nothing on the drug that _is_ Huang Renjun. 

Renjun didn’t know what to do. He had _no_ idea what to do. The sex he had just experienced will never be matched again, for he was sure that nothing else will never feel the same way. Nothing would ever feel as good as Jaemin being inside him. Nothing would ever smell the same as the fresh, masculine fragrance that overwhelmed his nose when Jaemin was on top of him. Nothing would ever taste the same as Jaemin’s gentle lips on his own as he lays down beside him. Nothing. 

They finish cleaning up and Jaemin lays there silently, body still recovering from what Renjun considers to be one of the most confusing moments of his life. One one hand, Renjun just felt a pleasure that he was sure not many people will ever get to experience in life. It wasn’t just sex. It was the most mindblowing sex that could have happened. It ruined all other intimacy for him, because it was that good. 

But on the other hand, Renjun felt the world come crashing down on him as he comes back into his senses and realizes what he had just done to himself. He just voluntarily let Na Jaemin have sex with him. _No,_ he _urged_ Na Jaemin to sleep with him. He just brought himself the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain he will ever inflict upon himself. Pleasure because that was the most fulfilling intimacy he had ever had. 

Pain because he didn’t _just_ want the sex only. He wanted Na Jaemin. He wanted more. Having sex with Jaemin just now just made not having anything else so much worse. It was as if Renjun had allowed himself to be weak. He had promised himself that he would have respect for himself, and not settle for just sex with Jaemin if he couldn’t have anything else. And he just did. He _just_ did. And now, he had let himself experience something so intimate that will ruin all other intimate experiences for him. 

Renjun suddenly pulled himself up off the bed and into a sitting position. He looked across from the bed into the vanity mirror and looked at himself. In any other situation, he would find the hickeys on his body amazing, but now, they just bought him a lifetime’s worth of pain. Pain for a love he will never have. 

As Renjun sits there, Jaemin stays back on the bed, hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. He was deep in thought, a line of stress appeared on his forehead as he thought hard. A silence settled between them. 

Finally, he spoke. 

“So that was all you wanted?” Jaemin asked, voice low yet gentle, “Sex?” 

There was a mixture of emotions in his voice that Renjun couldn’t necessarily pick out. Renjun bit his lip, and didn’t say anything. _No_ , that wasn’t all he wanted. That was far from all that he wanted. 

Jaemin’s voice came in again, and it was soft yet laced with conflicted emotions, “Why does that make me feel…” He struggled to say it, “...disappointed.” 

Renjun reached around for his clothes. His shirt was torn so he just grabbed a random one, probably Jaemin’s, that was lying around and slipped it on.

Jaemin then sat up on his bed, looking unrealistically handsome, and stared at Renjun. 

Renjun then replied, looking away, “Well, isn’t that all you wanted?” 

Renjun bit his lip, a bad habit of his, heart aching so badly in his chest, and he got off the bed. He reached down and fished around for his pants until he found them, and then he slid them on. Jaemin didn’t answer for a while and the silence overwhelmed them as Renjun changes back into his attire. 

Suddenly, Renjun’s vision began to fog up and he pinched himself to bite back tears. _Not now, not here, Renjun_ , He told himself as his mind threatened to break down. 

Renjun turned his head away, “I’m so fucking stupid.” He whispered to himself, voice trembling. It was obvious he was going to cry. Jaemin heard it. 

Jaemin quickly hopped off of the bed, hurrying to put on a pair of pants before he rushed over to Renjun side, cupping the boy’s face, thumbs wiping away at the tears threatening to fall before they even did.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Jaemin asked him in such a gentle voice that Renjun hated that he was falling even harder. He hated that Jaemin was treating him this gently. That the boy touched him, even now, as if Renjun was delicate and was loved back. 

Renjun turned his head away but Jaemin still had his hands protectively holding him, “Nothing’s wrong.” The wateryness of his eyes betrayed his words, and he suddenly wished he was out on the ocean, away from Sokcho, away from all of this, where the water would hide his tears once more. 

Jaemin reached down to look at his friend, heart tender and sore at the sight of Renjun crying, “Renjun, you’re crying. Something is wrong, and I need you to talk to me.” He said gently. 

Renjun shook his head while closing his eyes, trying to push back more tears, “I...can’t.” 

Jaemin couldn’t help his concern, “Was it me? Did I hurt you when we were...?” 

Renjun shook his head again, “No, it’s not that.” His voice cracked. 

The silver-haired beauty looked up at Jaemin, wondering if this was the last time that he’ll be able to be this intimate with the boy. This close. Wondering if this was the last time he’ll be able to stare this long into Jaemin’s brown eyes. To memorize the bridge of Jaemin’s nose, the softness of his pink hair, the cupids bow above his lip. 

And then Renjun spoke. 

“I told myself that I’ll never give in and become one of those girls you just fuck,” He tried not to make his voice tremble more, “Yet here I am.”

“No, Renjun,” Jaemin tried to assure him, hands still on Renjun’s face as he ushered a _no, no, no_ trying to relieve Renjun, “Because you’re also my friend. I’m not going to just leave you because you’re my fri-”

“Fuck being your friend,” Renjun’s voice came out scratchy and by now, silent tears fell down the side of his cheek, “Fuck being your friend, Jaemin. I don’t want to be just a friend to you.”

Jaemin’s brows furrowed, “What do you m-”

“I love you.” 

Renjun admits it. He said it. He _just_ said it. And he is shocked at himself. 

  
  


He said it, and as Jaemin freezes in front of him, he almost regrets it. Almost. But not quite, because it felt good to finally say it out loud. He had never said it in words before, because he was so afraid. He still _is_ so afraid, but now, he had nothing to lose. He had already lost everything. He lost the strength to keep Jaemin away a long time ago. And just now, he lost the strength to resist sleeping with Jaemin knowing it would destroy him. The words repeat in his head over and over again until it filled the walls of his head. _I love you. I love you. I love you._ It didn’t feel less real the more he said it. If anything, it felt more real. More solidified in Renjun’s heart. 

He loves him. He loves the boy who was loved by everyone, yet loved no one. He loves the boy who gives him his jacket when he was cold even when Jaemin was cold himself. He loves the boy who goes out of his way to care for him when he’s messed up in the head and drunk out of his mind. He loves the boy who randomly shows up to his house, lying about needing to use his hair dryer or salt-shaker, just to hang out with Renjun and eat ice cream on his bed. He loves the boy who showed up at the dock every single day to ask Renjun a question that he already knew the answer to. He loved the boy who floated on top of the pool with him late at night, staring up at the stars in Yangyanggan. He loves the boy who went out in the storm to buy ingredients for their grilled cheeses, where they had eaten while sitting on the floor basking in each other’s company. The boy who takes him up into mountains past midnight and stargazes on a makeshift bed. 

He loves Na Jaemin. And that fucking _hurts_. 

Jaemin freezes in front of Renjun, hands still on Renjun’s face but it is stuck in a state of shock. Renjun could see it in Jaemin’s eyes. Complete shock. Renjun had only said ‘I love you’ once, but it seemed as if it echoed everywhere, for the three words held the most weight. 

He never expected him to finally tell Jaemin like this, but it was too late to take back his words. The damage had been done, and Renjun felt himself wanting to shrink. 

Renjun stepped back. He didn’t look at Jaemin. Without waiting for the boy’s reaction, the boy he loved so much and lost so much to, Renjun let himself walk away. He left Jaemin there that night, walking himself away. 

His legs worked without him. His mind went numb as he left the room, and he didn’t even have the tears to cry anymore because he wasn’t sure which _one_ thing to cry over when there were so many. So he let himself silently walk, out of the memory-ridden house, down the memory-ridden roads of Sokcho, the whole memory-ridden thirty minutes home. The wind never felt harsher on his skin. The sound of cicadas never felt more piercing to his ears. The sight of his own home never looked more sore to his eyes. 

When he got home, he left a note to his parents saying he’ll be gone for the night and took the Aston Martin out of the garage. It was nearing midnight, but he didn’t care. He needed to get out of Sokcho, to a place that wasn’t cursed with Na Jaemin’s memories. Nothing in Sokcho was safe. His bed reminded him of Jaemin’s arms wrapped around his body as he slept. The dock reminded him of Jaemin’s routine of seeing him. Even as he drove, the car reminded him of Jaemin in his passenger seat laughing. 

Renjun began driving south, towards a place that was now ridden with the memories of Na Jaemin, but still less than Sokcho. Yangyanggan. The highways were quiet and empty. Occasionally, he would see a semi truck driving large shipments, but other than that, barely anyone was casually cruising down the highway at nearly 1 A.M. on an early Friday morning. Renjun played sad songs on maximum volume, windows down. 

His hair whipped across his face, but he was fine with any pain as long as it masked the stinging of hot tears going down his cheek. He kept wiping at his eyes with his sleeve, praying it would stop. But it only seemed to flow harder. Finally, he stopped trying to hold it back and let himself cry. It blurred his vision and Renjun pulled over to the side of the road to let it out. His shoulders shook and his hands grip the steering wheel too tightly. He hiccuped between his sobs. His head was aching with pain. His phone constantly buzzed. It might have been Jaemin. It might have just been his friends wondering where he left all of a sudden. It might have just been a social media notification. It didn’t matter. 

He turned his phone off completely, not wanting to face the world. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not the day after. Never. 

When his tears dried a little and he could finally see straight again, Renjun continued on his way. He entered the old city he used to call home and he wished it gave him the same feeling of comfort it used to. He wished he still saw it as a sanctuary that Jaemin hasn’t touched. He wished that his house was still a home. But as he pulled up on the driveway of his old house again, memories of the other night playing in his pool rushed back. Memories of a house tour that lasted too long because they were busy talking about every little detail. Memories of Jaemin smiling at a portrait he found in Renjun’s old sketchbook.

Still, it was less than Sokcho.

Renjun goes into his old room anyways, mattress cold and hardened from not being used in forever. And stares up at the ceiling. He laid there in complete numbness, until his eyelids got droopy. 

He slept. Forcing away all the bad memories into a dreamstate world where maybe in another life or another reality, Jaemin had said it back. 

Had said it back when Renjun told him, “I love you.” 

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Renjun decides to skip school the next day. He didn’t have time to drive back to Sokcho before 8 A.M. and make it to school since it was about a 50-60 minute drive. His teachers would not get mad. He was a good student, after all. Renjun does not know what time he woke up, but when he did, it looked like the life had been sucked out of him. His face was puffy from crying the previous night and his body felt incredibly tired. In a drowsy state, he checked the analog clock on the nightstand. 11 A.M. 

Today was the soccer game. And Renjun was not going to be there. He can’t. At 7 P.M. tonight. Tonight, Jaemin was going to win. He was going to get hoisted in the air by the crowd of watchers. He was going to get an offer to play at SNU. He was going to be celebrated like the star he was. He is going to be happy today. Renjun thought to himself. Jaemin was going to forget Renjun’s confession. He was going to play with his heart. He’s going to dominate the game. Jaemin was going to be okay. Which meant that Renjun had to be okay, or at least try to. 

He doesn’t know what class he would be in right now if he were in school, and he didn’t care. Just thinking about school reminded him of Jaemin. Just thinking about _anything_ reminded him of Jaemin. So instead, Renjun decided to sit there on his bed, knees pulled up to his chest, staring blankly at the empty wardrobe in the corner of his room. The colors and life that it once had was gone, stripped away and moved to his house in Sokcho where his heart and his home was. The bright brown of the cherry wood cabinets seem more dulled. The chirping of bluejays outside sound less beautiful. The smell of his old bed was less nostalgic. Even the blueness of the sky looked less vibrant than it usually would. 

His phone was still turned off. Renjun was afraid of what he’d see if he opened it. Maybe it was blank for all he knew. Maybe it wasn’t. He didn’t think it was worth it to find out. 

Huang Renjun barely eats for hours. There was nothing in his fridge, for no one stayed there frequently enough to buy produce. The only thing left was some instant noodles that were still left in the cabinets, considering they had years-long expiration dates. He boiled the water in a small saucepan and while he waited for it to boil, Renjun hoisted himself up and sat on top of his cold, marble kitchen island, waiting for the bubbles to show up. He just stared at the water. It was all he could do to not feel the heavy onset of sadness. 

His body was sore, remnants of his intimate night with Jaemin. He hated that it still felt good when he walked, to feel a soreness in his hips that proved of sex so unreal it left traces the next day. When he had finished making his instant noodles, he found himself twirling his bamboo chopsticks in them a little too long. His appetite had diminished. Food didn’t taste as good. It didn’t smell as good. It didn’t feel as good going down his throat. Taking a couple bites, Renjun couldn’t sit there and force himself to eat anymore. 

He came back in his room and laid there for who knows how long. A grandfather clock sat downstairs, and in the quietness of his own empty home, he laid there for what seemed like years listening to the faint _tick, tick, tick, tick, tick_ and then large chime every half hour. 

At some point, he gets up to shower, and he stays there under the hot water for a little too long, until his fingertips get pruned over and his skin was numb to the feeling of pelting water. He scrubs his skin, as if it would get rid of the fact that it had been touched so intimately by Na Jaemin. 

The steam clouds the bathroom and fogs up the mirror. When he steps out and runs his hand over the glassy mirror, he looks at himself. The puffy eyes were still there. How long were they going to be there. How long until the evidence of his weakness faded away. He puts on his old clothes and walks down the stairs. 

He looked at the clock now. 

5 P.M. It was early evening, and he could see it to be evident by the way the sun had passed its peak point in the sky. It was a pretty day outside. He would have found it beautiful any other day, but today it was just that. A blue-skied day. Pretty flowers. Children playing on the street. A warm breeze, it enveloped him in what felt like a hug. Having stepped outside, he breathed in the fresh air. It was a delight to his lungs after being cooped up inside for all of the day, barely moving unless it was to eat or shower. 

Renjun figured it was time to head back home. His parents would want to see him at least once before they had to leave for Busan, and not only that, he was dying to get into new clothes. There weren’t any in his house at Yangyanggan so after he showered, he was still dressed in the random t-shirt he had picked up last night. It smelled like Jaemin. And nothing but boxers underneath. He didn’t bother putting on the ripped jeans he had, finding them too uncomfortable for casual wear. He made his way to the car, walking slowly as if biding time before he had to go back, but he was eventually on his way. 

Back to Sokcho. Back to a place he called home, where a certain boy lives that he _also_ calls home. 

  
  
  
  
  


Renjun puts the key into the front door of his house and turns it, unclicking the lock and letting himself inside. His nostrils immediately get hit with the smell of a dish that he loved all too much. He could smell his mother’s classic egg foo young. His father was from Jilin, China, and his mother was from Guangdong, China. Being from Guangdong, she had grown up eating this special dinner-style omelette recipe filled with mung beans, bean sprouts, meat, onions, and mushrooms, all topped with a five-spice demi-glace, served on the side with rice. His father sometimes joked around, saying this dish was the main reason why he married her. It’s been so long since they’ve all been together at the table eating it, and being overwhelmed with the first moment of happiness he has had all day, he forgets about Jaemin for a little bit. 

Dinner with his parents was enjoyable. They had each caught up with each other’s lives. Renjun finally got to speak Mandarin again, which he naturally switched over to when he was with his parents, although his parents could speak fluent Korean as well. 

He asked about their business conference in Chengdu, and was delighted to find out the improvements that will be made in the market sector they were in the next year. To be honest, Renjun didn’t care all too much about business, but he humored his parents for the sake of just wanting to catch up with them. 

Renjun’s father was a portly man, filled with years of good eating and good living. He was the first who he came to for homework help, or for help in sports and other activities. His mother, a thin woman with crow’s feet wrinkles around her eyes from smiling too much but also lines on her forehead from stressing too much, was the person he always came to for emotional advice, whenever she was home at least. 

Although Renjun’s parents were rarely home, he could see it in their faces that they wanted to be. During his youth, they were always together, doing typical family activities. He remembered being forced to fish with his dad, but he’d just sit there in the boat staring at the water feeling bad for the fish. He remembered trips to the park with Mom. Zoo trips with the both of them. Going to the theatre together. 

However, the price of having a well-running business was time, and time had aged all of them in different ways. Renjun barely remembered the last time he had a full dinner with the both of them like this, but he savored every moment he got. 

“I’m glad you’re doing so well in school, Renjun. And that you got accepted to so many places,” His father proudly exclaimed, “So where are you going to choose? SNU or Sungkyunkwan University? Both are top ranked, and you would do mighty fine at either.”

Renjun bit his lip. He hadn’t even thought about it yet. College acceptances had been the last thing on his mind as of late. He knew the obvious choice was SNU for the prestige, but a little birdie in the form of Na Jaemin prevented him for making a clear decision.

“I’m still thinking about it?” Renjun smiled. 

He forked his food and shoved it in his mouth. It was the only time today where he had been truly hungry, the savory taste of the egg foo young exciting his taste buds. 

His mother then spoke up, “Do you have any love interests, Renjun? A boyfriend?”

Renjun stopped chewing, looking up at his mom’s sparkling and expectant eyes. 

He swallowed and cleared his throat, “..No.” 

“Ah, I see. I was asking because,” His mom resumed eating, “a boy kept dropping by earlier, asking for you. He looks exactly like your type, Renjun.”

Renjun dropped his fork and looked up at his parents, “Who?” He prayed it had been just one of his friends. 

“We didn’t get his name,” His father spoke through bites, “But he kept throwing rocks at your window.” Renjun gulped. Rocks at his window. He knew exactly who it was. His father continued, “So we came outside to see what’s the problem. He got really shy and said he didn’t expect us to be home.”

Renjun kept looking at his parents expectantly, “Yes? And?”

“Well, he asked where you were, and we said we didn’t really know. That you had taken your car out somewhere overnight. So he left,” His mom said, taking a drink of her water, “He rung the doorbell every hour, asking the same question. Honestly, we were amazed he had the dedication to come every hour. He must have skipped school today.” 

Renjun bit his lip. Coming every hour was definitely a step up from Jaemin’s usual coming to the dock every _day_. 

“So anyways,” His mom continued, “We were starting to feel bad, so the last time he came, we told him you weren’t home, but we asked him if he wanted to come inside for lunch.”

“Please don’t tell me you let him in,” Renjun whispered.

“Oh, he declined. Said something about how he needed to practice for something tonight,” She finished, before looking back up at her son curiously, “You seem very interested in this boy, Renjun.”

Renjun sighed, figuring he had nothing to lose. His parents were gone by the evening anyways, “I’m hopelessly in love with him.” 

His dad choked, face red, and he reached out for his glass of water as his mother pats him on the back. When he regained his composure, the old man chuckled, “Wow, we were definitely not expecting _that_.”

His mother, on the other hand, kept her calm, as if waiting for this moment her entire life. She reached over to place a hand on Renjun’s, “How do you _know_ it’s hopeless?”

“Because,” Renjun said with a bitter tone, “He...doesn’t feel the same.”

“Has he told you this?” His mother treaded carefully, seeing that the topic seemed to make her son quite upset. 

Renjun hesitated, “No, he hadn’t. But I know. I know he doesn’t.”

His mother shook his head and laughed, “You _don’t_ know. If he hasn’t told you, then you don’t actually know, Renjunnie.”

“Yes, I do,” Renjun said quietly, looking down at his food. He knows. He’s sure he knows. 

  
  
  


After dinner, he needed a breath of air. Talking to his parents had been great, but the mention of Na Jaemin just felt suffocating. He drives down to the dock, where he stands on the pier. It was safe right here, watching the sun continue its descent. The game would be starting in 5 minutes, and Renjun allowed himself to wonder what Jaemin was doing at the moment. He wondered what Jaemin was thinking about. His potential plays maybe. How nervous he was. Maybe he was talking to the SNU recruiters, making small talk, before the game began. Renjun wonders if Jaemin felt confident. He was sure he did. 

Looking out towards the sea, Renjun wanted to look for that certain feeling again. The feeling of being swallowed up by the vastness of it all, to feel safe surrounded by something so large that he was merely a speckle on its surface, if even. The emptiness of it all was what made Renjun attracted to the ocean. It was a place he could go to when he felt the need to hide. To hide between large waves, coursing waters, and endless stretch of sea. 

He stands there for five minutes. The game had started by now. By now, Jaemin was in position, along with the other players, ready to dominate the field. Years of games and practice had led up to moments like this. If they win this, then they win a lot more than just school glory. Many of those players would be winning scholarships, a ticket to the national inter-high tournaments. And for Jaemin, it would be his dream. SNU. 

Ten minutes passed after that, and Renjun was getting antsy. No mattered how much he stared at the ocean from the dock and tried to make himself calm down and feel small, his mind kept going back to the game. Going back to Jaemin. 

Soccer games are almost two hours long, when the breaks and intermissions were included. They had just begun, but the beginning was the most important part. It determined the mood for the rest of the game. The team that was in the lead at the beginning will have more confidence throughout the game. The team that trails behind at the beginning will lose their mojo before things even get heated. Renjun was itching. He wanted to know. What was Jaemin doing right now? How was he doing? 

Maybe he needed to get on the boat right now. Maybe he needed to feel small and nonessential, so that his problems would also feel small and nonessential. He nodded and headed towards his boat. 

But Renjun kept thinking. It’s been fifteen minutes now. Who’s winning? How’s he playing. What’s Jaemin thinking about? What are the recruiters thinking? Are they thinking that same thing that Jaemin had told him that one night on the mountain? That they see him, a kid who has perfect technique but no passion, and think he’s going to burn out? Or do they see the Jaemin that Renjun sees. The one who smiles at the stars. Who plays with his soul on the line.

Renjun walks and can see his boat a couple feet away, and he stops. 

He bit his lip and cursed himself before fishing out his phone from his pocket and turns it on. He waits for it to turn on. The logo appearing too slowly. _Just one question. Just one question, Renjun, and you turn it off again_. His phone turned on and he doesn’t look at the past notifications. He purposely does not look at them. 

Instead, he goes into his contacts and finds Donghyuck’s phone number. He pressed dial. 

Donghyuck picks up on the third ring and in the background, there was so much sound that he could barely hear. 

“Renjun! Finally, you picked up! Everyone’s been trying to call you all day, where have you been?” Donghyuck yelled through the phone.

Renjun chewed on the inside of his cheek, “Hyuck, are you at the game?” 

“Yeah, I am!” Donghyuck yells again.

Renjun hesitated, heart beating nervously, and then he asks, “Who’s winning?” _One question, Renjun. This is your one question_.

Donghyuck makes a sound that couldn’t possibly be good and he whines to Renjun, “Not us. We’re trailing behind _fast_ , Renjun. It’s not good.”

Renjun pursed his lips and prayed he heard wrong. This wasn’t the news he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear they were doing fine, that Jaemin was doing fine, so that his brain could shut up about it and let him rest. He wanted to hear that Jaemin was playing his usual self. That Daejun High was dominating the game as usual with their captain at the lead. Donghyuck keeps speaking, ranting to him on the phone, but Renjun didn’t hear a thing. 

The sound was muffled, but in the corner of his eye, Renjun catches a glint off his wrist. 

The clasp of the leather bracelet. 

The silver clasp of a _brown leather bracelet._

A bracelet that was still on his wrist, even though it should be on a certain pink-haired boy’s wrist. He had forgotten.

Renjun gasps and almost drops his phone as he remembered. He remembered so quickly that it made his heard hurt. He looked at the bracelet still sitting on his wrist and his mind thought back to the tennis match when Jaemin had given it to him.

As Jaemin had given it to him, before his first tennis match, with a bright smile on his face, he had told Renjun. _This is my lucky charm, right here. I wore it to my very first game and I vowed to wear it to my very last,”_ He had clasped the bracelet around Renjun’s wrist _, “I’ve never lost a game with it on.”_ Renjun’s heart then began aching, as he remembered he told Jaemin he would give the bracelet back to him before Jaemin’s next game. 

This _was_ his next game. The one that had started almost 17 minutes ago. The one that they were losing. The one that Renjun had not given back the bracelet at. 

Renjun’s feet began running. He ended the call with Donghyuck, and his legs ran faster than he ever ran. Yes, he was heartbroken. Yes, he could go a long time without ever seeing Na Jaemin again. Yes, he still felt as if his soul had been crushed. 

But Renjun was, at the end of the day, still a boy who was in love. And he wasn’t going to let someone he loved lose his biggest game and biggest opportunity just because Renjun forgot to give him his luck back. When you love someone, you want them to succeed. When you love someone, you want them to do things with their lives and become great. When you love someone, you want their happiness and success more than you want them to love you back. This was more important. 

Renjun fished his car keys out and unlocked it from 30 feet away. When he got in, he swore that he had never put the car in drive faster than he just had. Renjun was not a great driver by any means, but he did not care.

The sky right now was orange and pink, all screaming the color of Jaemin’s hair, the warmth of Jaemin’s hugs, the perfection of Jaemin. Renjun tried taking the quickest road he could, cursing the entire time. His eyes darted back and forth to the time on his dashboard, biting his lip so hard he almost drew blood. He turned off the radio because the static noise combined with his stress was messing with his brain. 

Renjun’s eyes looked ahead of him. _Fuck_ , he cried out, slamming his horns. Traffic. Either it was a car accident up ahead, or it was just rush hour traffic. Either way, he was stuck in a line. He cursed a million times at the car in front of him, hands going up to grab at his hair in frustration. He sat there in his car for a minute, inching forward so slowly that a toddler could outcrawl his car. A _turtle_ could have outran his car. His fingers were nervously tapping on the steering wheel and every second seemed to tick by slowly. One second felt like an hour. His eyes dart back and forth from the road to the clock, and it made him nervous.

“Fuck it,” Renjun said before he cut out of the line and turned a sharp right into the parking lot next to the road, in front of some liquor store. He parked his car in a hurry and jumped out, locking the Aston Martin behind him. 

Then he began running. Renjun knew this path like the back of his hand. The path that it took to go from the dock to the school, the school to the dock, back and forth. He wasn’t a stranger to this road, and his legs knew it. He ran with every ounce in his body. More than he had ever did at tennis practice when the coach made them run laps. Renjun was barely dressed for the occasion. 

On his feet were white flip flops that made slapping noises on the ground as he ran. His loose t-shirt was not suitable for running, and he had to adjust it constantly. His lungs wanted a break, but he didn’t give them one. He just kept running, his body automatically moving towards a path engrained in his head. 

Up ahead of him, he saw the school. He heard the cheers, the boos, the screams before he even saw the field. The sky was still lit up a vibrant orange, pink, and purple above them, which contrasted with the green of the soccer field. It was beautiful. It was as if the sun took off work and set in the sky in order to watch the soccer game. 

He could see it now, not far ahead of him. Daejun High’s classic black and gold uniforms made a powerful statement against their opponent’s team, adorning blue and white. Daejun High was trailing a couple points behind, but this early into the game, a couple points costed a lot in the long run. A bad beginning only leads to a negative domino effect. 

Renjun ran, still a distance away, but he scanned his eyes around for Na Jaemin. He looked for a pink head of hair on the field. Renjun’s lungs were about to burst from running so fast and so long. 

Renjun heard a whistle coming from the field as the team’s coaches called them together. The players all jogged off to where their coaches wanted them to gather around, most likely discussing strategy. Renjun was so close. He had to pass the gate, where a group of students were selling tickets to get inside. Fuck, he didn’t bring money. 

_There_ , Na Jaemin. Huddled in a group with the rest of the players. Hair ruled up and messy, but still brilliantly gorgeous. Sweat running down his face. Renjun could see him, and he suddenly wanted to run away again. But he looked down at the bracelet on his wrist and kicked that thought away. All he needed was to give Jaemin the bracelet. And then he can leave. Just do _that_ at least, Renjun thought to himself. 

Renjun yelled, “Na Jaemin!” 

He used all of his lung capacity to shout Jaemin’s name from more than a dozen meters away, and even amidst the crowd, Renjun could be heard. 

At the sudden yell, the pink-haired boy, Jaemin, turned around, away from the group of players. His eyes scanned in the direction of the yell until he spotted a running, silver haired boy. Jaemin thought he was seeing things.

Renjun saw the ticket table ahead and mentally apologized to them. Renjun ran faster, and just as he approached the table, he shoved past the students and hopped over, earning yells behind him. Renjun shouted back an apology and promised to pay them back later. 

He turned his attention back to Na Jaemin who was now jogging slightly towards him. The coach giving him a nod to do so before getting back to talking with the players before their time-out was over. The crowd was deafening, on both sides. The SNU recruiters were on the sidelines in nice chairs, dressed up in business casual outfits. 

But Renjun’s sole attention focused on the boy in front of him. 

“Renjun,” Jaemin said his name as they came to a stop in front of each other on the far sidelines. At the voice, Renjun wanted to forget everything that happened between them and melt into the boy’s embrace. A look of concern flashed on Jaemin’s face, and Renjun could see a bit of dark circles under the boy’s eyes. He could see the stress lines on his forehead that must have only happened recently. The boy stood in his full uniform, sweat trailing, in front of Renjun. 

“Na Jaemin,” Renjun breathed out. He was just about a foot in front of the soccer player. Renjun’s hands were on his knees as his chest heaved. He tried to catch his breath while fanning himself with one hand. 

“You came,” Jaemin stated as a fact, as if he couldn’t believe it. His expression was barely recognizable. 

Renjun then stood up and glanced over at the scoreboard then back at Jaemin, a look of pain in Renjun’s eyes, “You’re losing.”

Jaemin looked over at the score, then laughed. It wasn’t as bright of a laugh as it usually was, “There’s a first time for everything.”

Renjun shook his head, still breathing heavy, the noise of the crowd incessantly loud behind him, “Not today, there isn’t.”

And with that, Renjun took off the leather bracelet on his wrist. It came off with the clasp and dangled in his hands. He reached over to grab onto Jaemin’s wrist, who looked at him with a gaze that Renjun could not make out or maybe he didn’t want to make it out.

Renjun clasped the leather bracelet on Na Jaemin’s wrist and holds onto his hand for a moment. Jaemin doesn’t pull away. 

Holding back everything he wanted to say, Renjun looks at Jaemin hesitantly, “Your good luck charm. I promised I’d give it back before your next game, didn’t I?” 

Jaemin looked at him with an indescribable gaze, and Renjun suddenly felt as if it was just the two of them in the world. The noise around him muffled. The lights blinding. The smell of grass, sweat, and cologne muted. The pink-haired boy was all that he could see. A million words were exchanged through each of their eyes, only to come back with an error message. 

Jaemin opened his lips, but his voice came out cracked and pained, “Where were you? The game started, and you weren’t there.”

Renjun gave him a pained and sorry look, "I'm sorry. I should have given your bracelet back soone-"

"I don't care about that anymore, Renjun," Jaemin interrupted as if he was distressed, "Why weren't _you_ here."

Renjun held back the pain he felt in his chest, the prickle he felt in his eye, “Jaemin, I hadn’t even planned on being here in the first place.” His voice wanted to break.

Jaemin lets go of his hand, and Renjun pursed his lips, looking up at Jaemin with sad eyes. The handsome player was even more stunning in his natural element: shin guards, cleats, uniform, sweat, the crowd. Yet Jaemin looked as if he couldn’t stand any of it. Jaemin looked as if all he wanted to do was go home. It hurt to see Jaemin like this. 

Renjun nodded, taking the silence between them as an answer, “I guess I’ll go.”

As Renjun turned around to walk away, he heard the sound of his name was called, “Renjun.” 

He turned his body slightly back around to see Na Jaemin was standing there, head facing to the side staring at the ground as if it was interesting. He didn’t look at Renjun as he said it, but Renjun heard every word clearly, “Stay.” A beat of silence, “Please.”

Renjun just stared at him, not knowing what to say or do. Jaemin then took slow steps forward until he stood right in front of Renjun and tilted the smaller boy’s face to look up at him. Renjun let him, and he found himself getting lost for the millionth time in Jaemin’s beautiful brown eyes. He shouldn’t have let him. But there was something about the desperation in Jaemin’s voice that convinced him to let Jaemin touch him like this. They ignore the noise happening around them. 

Jaemin then brings a hand down to grab Renjun’s wrist and slowly bring it up until Renjun’s palm laid right on top of Jaemin’s chest. 

“You feel this?” Na Jaemin asked, face more vulnerable then Renjun had ever seen him. Renjun’s palm was right up against the soccer jersey, right up at Jaemin’s heart. 

It beat sporadically, like Renjun’s own whenever he looked at Jaemin, whenever he hugged him, whenever he was around Jaemin. It was a pace that Renjun recognized clearly, only because his felt the same way. All the time. Renjun was confused. He looked up at Jaemin, whose eyes showed sincerity. 

Renjun nodded. 

“This is because of you,” Jaemin stated. Renjun didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what he _could_ say. 

“Wh-”

“Remember what Coach kept telling me? About how there was something missing in my playing?” Jaemin asked, hesitantly. 

Renjun nodded, wondering what Jaemin was getting at. 

“Do you want to know what that was?” He asked. 

“What was it?” Renjun replied softly, hand still on Jaemin’s quickening heartbeat. 

“Motivation. Something to play for. In my case... _someone_ to play for.” Jaemin responded with a sure voice, “I think I understand what he meant now.”

Renjun shook his head, not completely getting that Jaemin was saying, “Jaemin, I don’t. I don't under-”

The coach whistled and they both turned. The big man pointed back at the field and gestured for Jaemin to come join his team. Jaemin nodded back, knowing that he didn’t have much time at all. 

Rushed, Jaemin put both hands on Renjun’s shoulders and then pointed at the scoreboard, making sure Renjun looks.

Quickly, and in an eager voice, he asked Renjun, “See that score? See how we’re losing right now?”

Renjun furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “Um, yes?”

Then Jaemin turned to look at him, walking backwards towards his team while he spoke, “Stay, Renjun. Stay and watch me play. If you stay, then we’ll win. If you stay, then you’ll know what I mean by what I said earlier. Stay, and watch me.” 

And then he turned to run back to his team, his footsteps more powerful now as he joins them. Jaemin yells something to his team. They all turned back to look at their captain. Jaemin emitted a new aura now, and he shouted something else to his team. And suddenly, they all start chanting powerfully. He turns to the crowd and raises his hands up repeatedly, and slowly, from what started as a small group, the whole Home stand began chanting for the team, each of their names, louder and louder. 

The tides were going to turn. Renjun could feel it. The whole crowd could.

And so he stayed. He stayed and he watched. 

Suddenly, soccer wasn’t just soccer anymore. It was an art form. It was a dance. 

The players had felt the sudden shift in atmosphere the moment their captain stepped back onto the field with them. When the game had started, Na Jaemin had been a nervous wreck. Jaemin had been pacing around at the start of the game. His eyes constantly looked over at the Home stand, and no one but Lee Jeno knew what, or _who_ , he was looking for. His plays were good, but weaker than usual. 

But just now, as he led his team back into the game, the way he jogged, the way he smiled at the opponent as if they were rabbits about to get devoured by lions, the way he directed each player before the referee even blew the whistle again, they knew that Na Jaemin was back. He wasn’t just back. He was reinvented. 

Right before the whistle blew, Jaemin looked back into the stands and his eyes searched. They searched until they found a familiar head of silvery hair, and when Jaemin found him, he smiled. The smile made Renjun want to melt out of his seat. He bit on his cheek and nodded back at Jaemin. The captain turned back around and eyes his opponents like a wolf would eye a sheep. 

The game didn’t even feel like a game. It felt like a well choreographed dance, full of both energy, technique, and passion. Every kick, every improvisation, every pass felt like a telepathic mind game between the players of Daejun High. They all seemed to be thinking with one collective mind. And at the head of it was Na Jaemin, the captain, who gave each player a pat on the back as he ran past, who cheered when his teammate had a good pass or goal, who would tell a teammate to block this or defend that or start offending. The coach didn’t even need to say anything. Jaemin commanded the team as one collective unit. It was a powerful surge of playing, one that completely changed the tide of the game. 

Their opponents were shocked. Daejun High had seemed to be falling behind in the beginning, so much that the opponent’s confidence levels skyrocketed. What they didn’t expect was for the team to come back, and come back tenfold. Jeno was an impressive defensive midfielder. 

Although Renjun was still mad at him, he cheered for Jeno at the top of his lungs. It seemed as if Jeno noticed, for the raven-haired boy looked up at the stands let out a cheeky eye smile and wave. Everyone was great. Jisung. Mark. Everyone. And Renjun didn’t even deny it. He cheered for Jaemin too. If nothing else, he was going to support Jaemin this one last time. Although it was drowned out by the dozens of other people who cheered for Na Jaemin. The entire soccer team had a fleet of supporters, and it only boosted their energy even more. 

As the second forty-five minute session came to its midpoint and they were a little over three-fourths finished with the game, it was obvious who the winner was going to be tonight. Honestly, the crowd could have gone home right now, and it would not have made a difference who won. The other team seemed to be exhausted and their coach was incessantly berating them, as observed by his body language when they huddled together. 

Daejun High, however, was going wild. The coach clapped each of his players on the back and came over to hug Jaemin before whispering something in the boy’s ear. Jaemin turned around, looking at Renjun for a second, giving a smile, before turning back to his coach and saying something back. And Renjun wondered. He wondered what the Coach had said.

It was the last ten minutes, and it looked as if the morale of the opponents were down. The opponents still played phenomenally of course, having made it this far into the regional inter-high competition to begin with, but it was evident in their growing sloppiness that they were distracted. They were distracted by the powerful captain on Daejun High’s team, a person they had played before in the past but never expected for the captain to get significantly better and better each year. Na Jaemin was a person they have grown to fear. They were distracted by the lineup of soccer players on Daejun High’s team who all worked together as one unit. They knew all of their names. Park Jisung. Lee Jeno. Mark Lee. Lee Taeyong. Johnny. Lucas. Many more. Their jersey numbers were now going to be seared in their minds. Numbers to be terrified of.

Stepping back onto that field earlier had been lambs going to the slaughter.

Lee Jeno runs across the field as if his life depended on it, and delivers the best pass that Daejun High had ever seen, jumping in the air sideways and stretching his leg to pass the ball in the direction of his best friend and teammate. Jeno delivered the greatest pass in Daejun High history over to a certain team captain. 

Right before the last minute rung, in front of their eyes, the flash of the jersey number #4 flooded their vision. Strong legs. Fast movements. Pink hair. Na Jaemin. And one, last, powerful kick. 

They won. 

It was deafening, and Renjun felt as if everything happened in slow motion. The sudden screams from the stand, if they weren’t loud before, then now, they were explosive. He had never seen a crowd so invested, so in awe of a game performance before. Everyone in the stands rose to their feet instantaneously the moment the goal was scored, all screaming and beginning to chant for the team.

Renjun clapped and stood with them, heart overwhelmed with both happiness and sadness. Happiness because they had just won, and he had just witnessed playing that would go down as the most passionate gameplay he had ever seen. Sadness because he felt himself, just now, fall even more in love with Na Jaemin. _Stay, Renjun. Stay and watch me play. If you stay, then we’ll win. Watch me._ He had said. Renjun stayed. Renjun had, in fact, stayed. And they had, in fact, won. 

Na Jaemin tore away from the team who practically piled on top of him, bear hugging their captain for the best field performance he had ever given, and looked towards the stands. His eyes scanned the bleachers until he saw the person he was looking for. The person he thought of the entire game. Renjun was leaning against the railing which situated itself around two meters above the ground, with a ton of other students who did not want to sit in the bleachers beside him. They were all cheering with their entire lung capacity, and Renjun smiled at the sound. 

He caught Na Jaemin’s eye. The soccer player’s chest was going up and down from catching his breath. After all, the game only ended mere moments ago and he had been running and exerting himself physically for two hours here. His forehead had a sheen of sweat, and pink hair was messily styled up with stray pieces everywhere from the physical action. 

Once Jaemin spotted the silver-haired boy leaning against the railing with some other students, he walked staggardly, as if his legs were still used to running instead of walking at such a slow pace, in the direction of the stands until he was only about ten meters away, looking up at the crowd. The student population who was there noticed the soccer star and began chanting his name, thinking that Na Jaemin was going over to thank them for their support. It was loud on every side of Renjun’s ears. He didn’t take his eyes off of Na Jaemin, who did the same. 

And then, right there, on the field, looking up at the stands near Huang Renjun, with the whole crowd chanting his name, Na Jaemin drops down on both knees, one following the other. 

It was as if all of the energy had been stripped out of his body and he had surrendered himself to Renjun. Chest still trying to catch air, neck still sweating, Jaemin had dropped down on both knees in front of the stands.

The crowd quieted down, unsure exactly what and _why_ Jaemin, the person who was bringing pride and glory to their school, was suddenly on his knees as if the crowd had done something. There was muttering here and there, as the crowd was a little confused. 

But as Jaemin’s eyes did not tear away from Renjun’s for a single second, Renjun knew what Jaemin was doing. He wasn’t necessarily trying to prove something to the _crowd_ . No. Na Jaemin was showing vulnerability to _him_. To Renjun. 

There he was, the biggest soccer star that Sokcho had ever seen come out of high school, on track to become a player for a top university and later in his career, he’ll be most likely playing for the pros or national team.

There he was, loved by everyone who laid eyes on him. Burdened with the reputation that the entire school and entire city of Sokcho expected of him.

There he was, Na Jaemin. And he was down on his knees, in front of everyone. Showing vulnerability, showing humanity, showing that the world may be watching him, but he was only watching one person: Huang Renjun. 

Renjun was shocked, not sure how to process what was happening on the field in front of him. Jaemin’s eyes did not tear away from him once as he hit the earth, and he doesn’t understand why Jaemin was doing this. Why he was doing this in front of _everyone_. 

Coming to the conclusion that Jaemin must have dropped down on his knees to thank the crowd for supporting him, everyone in the stands began cheering again. And suddenly, the relative quiet was gone and it was boisterous once more. Their attentions was now on the whole team and they chanted each player’s names. But Renjun stayed rooted in his place, mouth parted but not knowing what to do. 

Na Jaemin then looks over and points at the scoreboard, a large digital sign with clear numbers. The numbers that showed that he had won. That he had delivered his team to victory. Just like he promised. Renjun looks at the scoreboard and smiles painfully at the pink-haired boy from afar. Jaemin had won. He won when Renjun stayed, just as he said he would. 

Just as Na Jaemin was standing back up, he was pulled over to the side by his coach who walked him over to the table where the SNU recruiters were at. Renjun looked around, noticing that some of the other soccer players were being pulled to the side by different school representatives too. Others were simply just celebrating. Renjun then watched as Jaemin shook all of the recruiters’ hands, bowing, and smiling brightly. In that smile, Renjun knew they saw passion. How could they not, especially after that gameplay? Renjun’s heart swelled with pride and he didn’t know why tears threatened to escape his outer lids. He blinked them back, instead joining the crowd in more chanting. So this was what it felt like to feel absolutely and fully in love. 

When the players started to get released, they filtered back to the crowd, getting the ones who were still there to celebrate again with them. Jaemin was still at the SNU table. As the silver haired boy was watching, he felt a tap on his shoulders. Turning, Renjun came face to face with Lee Jeno, still in his uniform, seemingly wet from the sweat he was still trying to dry off. 

"Renjun," Jeno stated, voice nervous. 

Renjun smiled at him gently, “Good job out there. You just delivered one of the greatest passes of the season.” 

Jeno nodded, with a smile that was grateful but still laced with sorry, “Thank you.”

Renjun pursed his lips, and Jeno decided to speak, “Listen. I’m sorry about last night. And how I treated you. It was disrespectful, and I...don’t know what happened to me. I just lost control, and I let my jealousy get the best of me.”

Renjun nodded, looking up at his friend, “I know. And sometimes that happens. We let the worst of us get ahead, but you still have to recognize that whether or not you were in your right mind, it’s inexcusable.”

“I know it isn’t,” Jeno said with a sorry look, “Me losing control is not an excuse for being the way I was. And I’m sorry, Renjun. I’m sorry. I was stupid. And angry. And I took it out the wrong way. I’m sorry.”

Renjun could hear genuine regret and sincerity in his friend’s voice, and he relaxed himself, tilting his head to the side as he smiled gently, “I accept.”

Jeno smiled back sadly, “No, really. I want you to know that I _know_ it was wrong of me to talk about you like that, and to use you as a trophy when you’re...not. You’re so much more than that, Renjun. You’re perfect, and if you let me, I’d m-”

“Why do you think that, Jeno?” Renjun asked, voice soft but he knew what he was wanting to say. He just needed Jeno to try to riddle it out himself. He had taken some time to think on this situation, and came to a conclusion that he felt was suitable for their situation.

“Think what?” Jeno was slightly confused. 

Renjun bit his lip, “Do you _know_ why you like me?” 

“Of course I do,” Jeno stated, he took a step back and formulated his words, “I like you because you’re smart. You’re funny. You’re beautiful. You don’t take shit from anyone.”

“Donghyuck is smart, funny, beautiful, and doesn’t take shit from anyone,” Renjun tried to make a point, “Why don’t you like him?” He was not saying it in a harsh way, but in a curious mannerism. 

“Well, he has Mark.”

Renjun shook his head. There was a point he was trying to make, but he couldn’t make it until Jeno gave him a true answer, “No, let’s say Mark was not in the picture. Why wouldn’t you like Donghyuck if you were to spend a lot of time with him? He fits all the checkpoints you just listed.”

Jeno shrugged, unsure why he was being asked this, “I mean...Then I guess in that case, it’s possible that I’d like Donghyuck.”

And then Jeno tapped his foot impatiently, “Renjun, why are you asking me this? What are you trying to tell me?”

“What I’m trying to say is…” Renjun bit his lip, “You just have a simple crush, which I am very flattered for, but I want you to understand. When I ask you why you like me, you give me answers in which my name can easily be replaced with just about anyone else’s who fits a general outline, and it wouldn’t make a difference. Smart. Pretty. Funny. Strong-willed. A million people can have those traits.”

Jeno was about to speak up, but Renjun didn’t let him start. Renjun continued, “But when you truly like someone, and I say _truly_ like someone and it’s not a simple crush, then when I ask why you like that person. Then you would say…” Renjun hesitated, “...You would say things like... you like the way they dance with you at sunset in their room listening to California Dreamin. You would say that you like the way they listened to you rant about how tired you were after school and let you lay your head in their lap. You would say that you like the way they eat five bowls of every meal as if it was their last or the way they throw rocks at your window at midnight. Those things...Jeno, you can’t replace that person’s name with anyone elses and have it mean the same. It doesn’t fit a generic outline. That’s what it feels like to truly like someone, when nothing they do can be replaceable. Do you honestly feel like that with me?”

Jeno went quiet. Even though the crowd around them was growing smaller by the minute, but still as active as they continued going around congratulating people. 

Renjun looked at Jeno hesitantly before continuing, “You just have a crush on me, A simple one, and that’s okay. But...I just wanted to tell you this so that you know...For you, there will be many chances. There are many people like me. To you, I’m replaceable and that’s okay. One day, you’ll find that person who you don't just describe as pretty, smart, funny, but a person who you’ll describe through memories you two share, through habits that you two have, through the little things you love about them. A person who is irreplaceable...But that person, and I think you know this too, isn’t me.”

Jeno looked down at Renjun. He saw kindness in the smaller’s eyes, and he spoke with no hostility at all even though the words that came out of his lips were quite sad. Jeno thought about what he said. A simple crush. Was that true? He thought of it. He liked the way Renjun laughed. He liked the way his hair bounced in the light. He liked how Renjun always had something interesting to say. He liked the hour that they spend together in their free period every day. But that wasn’t anything he couldn’t have liked about someone else similar to Renjun if he spent enough time with them. But regardless, Lee Jeno tried to dig deeper into his mind, searching for some sign that could tell him that he really did like Renjun so deeply as he wanted to. He searched for any possible memories that only them two could have ever shared. He searched for late night conversations that didn't exist. He searched for weird little rendezvous at strange hours they could have had together. He searched and searched, wanting something to prove to Renjun that he was wrong. That it _wasn’t_ a simple crush. He searched for a while.

There were none. 

Jeno sighed, looking down at his feet, "Is it finally time for me to move past someone who doesn't like me back?"

Renjun closed his eyes and smiled sadly, "Jeno..."

Jeno gave Renjun a smile back that masked his conflicted emotions, “How long will it take for me to get over you?” 

Renjun had a sad, bittersweet look on his face as he leans back against the railing, watching students file out of the stands behind him, “Not long, Jeno.” 

Then, the boy in question looked out onto the field and pursed his lips. Jeno’s eyes trailed a certain someone. His best friend. And he thought of last night, after their little fight upstairs, how Jaemin had confided in him. He looked as the pink haired boy stood, talking still to the SNU recruiters. Jeno thought about how well his best friend played tonight. He thought about how Huang Renjun was the reason he played that way, and then decided it was the best thing to do. 

Jeno turned towards Renjun and spoke with certainty, “Talk to Jaemin.”

“What?” 

“Go talk to Jaemin,” Jeno repeated, more sure this time.

Renjun was confused. Wasn’t Jeno opposed to him liking Jaemin just yesterday? “Why? I don’t understand.”

Jeno bit his tongue before speaking, taking a small breath, “He’s dumb when it comes to emotions. He’s stupid. He’s reckless. He’s oblivious. But if it’s one thing that Jaemin is, more than any of those things I just listed, it is that he is patient. You know this too, don’t you Renjun? He’s many things, but above all else, he is patient. And I don’t know what happened between you two last night. Why both of you left suddenly. And why he arrived at the game today looking like he’s given up. But what I do know is that he’ll try every day. He’ll try every day to get you to talk to him. So you might as well do it now and get some closure, because he won’t stop coming to your door until you do.”

Renjun was quiet. 

“Besides,” Jeno said while patting the boy’s back, getting ready to leave, “I think you’ll want to hear what he has to say.”

  
  
  
  


So, 

Renjun stands in front of Na Jaemin now. The crowd had filtered out, and anyone who wanted to wish him a congratulations or good job did so. Everyone who volunteers to help clean up the field, sidelines, and stadium left. And it was just them two. The sky was now dark, save for the blinding white lights of the soccer field. Only remnants of the powerful game they had just played remained. He could still hear the roar of the crowd. The energy in each kick. But now, it was quieter. The field was theirs. The world was theirs. 

Renjun met Jaemin halfway on the field, and Jaemin looked like he was on top of the world. The way he carried himself. That confident walk. The smile that said everything was going to be alright. As if nothing happened. Renjun felt a sense of dread at whatever conversation they were going to have, but he knew it was going to come sooner or later. But Lee Jeno was right. It might as well be sooner. 

They stopped when they were a meter from each other. The field was quiet, and under the mental weight of being near Jaemin at this moment, Renjun wanted to shatter. To stand in front of the boy he declared his love to just yesterday. To stand in front of the boy who made his knees want to buckle in on itself everytime he does something as smile. He wanted to run. But instead, Renjun stood strong. He was not prepared to face whatever conversation they were going to have, but he knew that a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, he may still not ever be prepared.

They just look at each other for a moment, words lingering on both of their tongues but neither saying anything. They could even hear the buzz of the electricity coming from the high powered stadium lights. Or the sound of car engines whizzing away. The sweat had dried off of Jaemin’s face, leaving the handsome boy’s features matted. His gaze bore a hole through Renjun’s skull. 

Finally, Na Jaemin spoke up, “You’re looking at an official SNU soccer recruit.” 

Renjun smiled with an overwhelming sense of pride, “I know. I knew the moment you stepped back on the field that they were going to take you.”

“You always know,” Jaemin said, chuckling. 

Renjun smiled gently, “Well, you’re looking at an unofficial SNU Art and Calculus double major.”

Jaemin’s eyes widened and his lips parted, “You got accepted?”

Renjun nodded, not letting his smile fall.

“So you’re going? To SNU next year?” 

Renjun bit his lip, “I...don’t kno-”

“Come,” Jaemin said, tone more serious now as he took a step forward, “Come with me to SNU next year, Renjun.”

The smaller boy looked down at his feet with a bitter smile, “Jaemin…”

“Please,” Jaemin sounded almost like he was begging, and Renjun looked the boy in the eyes. 

He put his hands in his pocket, “You’re making it complicat-”

“I need you,” Jaemin breathed out, one leg tapping as if anxious. 

Renjun was shocked by the choice of words. They sounded so sure, so intimate, coming out of Na Jaemin’s lips and it made Renjun wonder if Jaemin had forgotten that Renjun’s heart can’t handle it when he speaks like that, “Why?”

“You saw me play, didn’t you?” Jaemin asked, “I never played like that in my life. I never felt that much power with the ball in my life, Renjun. It was because you were here to cheer me on.”

Renjun shook his head at the wild claim, “Jaemin, you can always find a friend who will come cheer you on. It doesn’t have to be me.”

“But it does, Renjun. It does,” Jaemin professed, “I’d rather have an empty stadium than for you not to be there. Watching me.”

Renjun hated how Jaemin could make every word that came out of his mouth sweet. How each sentence made Renjun’s heart skip quicker in his chest. Jaemin looked as if he wanted this so _badly_. Wanted Renjun to be by his side so badly. It made Renjun think that Jaemin had forgotten his confession last night altogether. 

“Don’t you get it?” Jaemin asked almost desperately, “I would not have played like I did if it wasn’t for you. We wouldn’t have won the game if it wasn’t for you. What I said earlier about having someone to play for? You’re that someo-”

“No, no, no,” Renjun reached both hands up to hold his own face in frustration, emotions seeping through, his voice almost begging Jaemin to stop, “You _can’t_ do this to me, Jaemin.”

“Do what,” Jaemin demanded, face aggrieved. He took a step closer. 

“You can’t say things like you _need_ me or that I’m the person you’re playing for. You can’t say things like that knowing that I’m in love with you, Jaemin,” Renjun spilled, hating himself for wanting to let tears fall, “I’m so fucking in love with you, and it kills me when you say things like that to me because it makes it even harder for me.”

“It doesn’t have to be hard, Renjun,” Jaemin urgently pressed, “If you’d just listen to me. I-”

Renjun interrupted, consumed by his own sadness, “How can it not be hard, Jaemin? I’m standing here right now in front of the person I love. And you tell me that you need me. That I’m your motivation. Can’t you see how that’d be hard on me?’

Renjun continued, “It’s as if you’ve forgotten I even told you tha-”

“I didn’t forget,” Jaemin challenged commandingly, “How the _fuck_ could I have forgotten?” 

“Then why are you acting like this!” Renjun pleaded.

A single beat of silence. 

“Because I’m trying the best that I can to make you stay,” Jaemin raised his voice, speaking with complete certainty. 

Jaemin then ran his hands through his face as if wanting to wipe away the stress, “I didn’t know what to do when you left last night, Renjun. We had sex. You told me you loved me. And then you _left_? What was I supposed to even do?”

Renjun bit his tongue and almost drew blood, “I left because I didn’t need you to tell me what I already knew.”

Jaemin then scoffed, laughing as if something was incredibly funny in the dryest way, “Tell me, then. What did you already know?” 

“Why are you laughing,” Renjun narrowed his eyes, suddenly feeling a bit of anger.

“Because here you go again. You think you know everything without ever staying to find out, so you leave before you know anything for sure.” Jaemin spoke, “You don’t give anyone the benefit of the doubt, Renjun. You just _left_.”

“I left because I already knew that you didn’t feel the same,” This time, Renjun let himself shout, and he let his eyes well up. It was too late, he already gave his most vulnerable self to Jaemin by even telling him his feelings, and now there was no turning back, “I’m so sick of you.”

“You’re so sick of _me_?” Jaemin looked at him incredulously. 

“Yes, I am _fucking_ sick of you, Jaemin,” Renjun frustratingly bellowed. 

“Do you think that you’re the only one feeling sick of this? You’re the one who acts like you can’t stand the sight of me. You’re the one who doesn’t ever let me get close to you. I ask to leave soccer practice a little early every day for you, just so I can catch you on the dock. You think I actually fucking go on looped jogs in the evening near the _dock_ , when I live nowhere close to it? I just use it as an excuse to see if one of these days, you might actually let me into your life again. I come every day knowing that you’ll probably say no, and I go anyways because I refuse to let you go this time, just when I’m given a second chance to make things right with you. I have tried my goddamn best to make you understand that I wouldn’t leave you again, but the tables have turned, Renjun. I’m not running away this time. This time, it was you who ran away. And I’m sick of you leaving every time you’re afraid of something.” Jaemin shouted back with intensity. 

Renjun knew Jaemin was right, and it was the fact that he knew Jaemin was right that made him angrier. Every word pierced Renjun with the truth like a knife. It overwhelmed him.

Renjun fired back, “I’m sick of you acting like I’m your fucking _boyfriend_ one day and then the next day, you’re off with some other person. I’m sick of you looking at me like I’m the only person you see. I’m sick of you not giving me a second to breathe because you want to take up every moment of my day. And I hate that I give in to you _every_ , _single, time_ .” Renjun’s voice broke, “Every single time, Jaemin. I give in to you. I _know_ that you go down to the dock every day just to see me, even when you make excuses. And that’s what confuses me even more. I’m so sick of trying to read your signs just to be wrong. I’m sick of getting my hopes up just to fall back down harder. If you hadn’t seen me at the beach this summer, if you hadn’t gone to me at the dock when I came to Daejun, if you hadn’t taken me to the mountain, if you hadn’t come over to my house every other day, if you hadn’t taken me everywhere to the point where I can’t go anywhere now without thinking about you, if you hadn’t kissed me, then maybe I wouldn’t…” Renjun cried, “...maybe I wouldn’t be feeling this way,” 

And then Renjun’s voice got quiet, “I’m sick of loving you.”

Silence. His charged rant was over, and suddenly, Renjun was just left with immense sadness that radiated throughout his entire being. He wondered how he was keeping himself upright right now. Every fiber in his body wanted him to break down right then and there on the field and lose it all. He felt like Atlas from the Greek myths, burdened with holding up the sky on his back. The weight of it crashing down upon him. Renjun looked up at Jaemin, whose face changed into one of pain and eagerness. The silence was emphasized, and once again, every sounds, every feeling was tuned up. The slight breeze on his skin felt more prickly than ever. A sound of the lights buzzing felt like a migraine in his head. The smell of grass and sweet cologne penetrated his senses. 

They stood just a couple feet apart but it felt like miles. Renjun didn’t know how long the silence went on, but when Jaemin never tore his eyes away from Renjun once. It looked like a billion thoughts ran through Na Jaemin’s head, as if he was trying to figure out what to say. _I’m sick of loving you_. Renjun had said. What was there to say to that. Jaemin thought about it. What was there to even _say._ Inside his head, he knew. It was terrifying, but he knew what he had to say. He figured: there was only one thing he could reply. There was only one statement he could give that would express himself better than any other.

The truth. Jaemin spoke again, his voice was stable and sure, not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. 

“I’m not.” Jaemin said. 

At those words, it seemed as if suddenly, time stopped. And the world froze over. _What?_ Renjun must have not heard correctly. _What did Jaemin just say?_ The world stopped spinning on its axis. Funny how it always seemed to do that when Jaemin was around. Suddenly, everything in his world was muted except for Na Jaemin. 

He couldn’t see the colors of the chameleon green grass or the deep, royal purple of the night sky. Only the color of Jaemin’s hair and slightly tan skin. He couldn’t smell the pungent scene of freshly mowed lawn and Sokcho air. Only Na Jaemin’s cologne that was still fresh even after a game. He couldn’t feel the sensation of the light breeze or tickling of grass against his ankles. Only his heart beating inside of his chest. He couldn’t hear the rustling of the leaves from the trees far off the fields or the occasional bark of a dog from the nearby neighborhood. He could only hear the two words that just filled their silence. There was this idiomatic phrase that Renjun remembered from English class: _when pigs fly_ , meaning something was impossible and could not happen or be happening. Well, right now, pigs were flying. 

Renjun felt his body paralyze. He repeated their conversation again in his head just now, trying to find some loophole that explains what Na Jaemin could have meant instead. _I’m sick of loving you._ Renjun had said. _I’m not,_ Jaemin had replied. He repeated that sequence what seems to be a thousand times inside of his mind, knowing full well what it meant but being unable to accept and process it. A million thoughts ran across Renjun’s mind and then none at all. Renjun had to have made something up in his head. Did it mean what he thought it meant? Did he fucking mishear? Renjun must have misheard. There was no way that he had heard that right. Renjun stood motionless, not knowing what to do. Not knowing what this meant, although it seemed to be written out quite clearly. Jaemin could not have made himself more clear, could not have written it out more plainly, but Renjun was still trying to find hidden, alternative meanings. Jaemin stood there in front of him, looking at Renjun as if terrified of what he was going to say next. 

“What?” Renjun’s voice came out in a whisper. He was dreaming. He was making things up. He was hallucinating. He was making any excuse that he could to not believe the words he had just heard. 

“I said,” Jaemin repeated himself, voice clear and more trusting of his own words and feelings than he had ever been, “I’m not.” 

“I don’t under-”

“You do understand, Renjun,” Jaemin assured him, “Stop thinking of the million other ways I could have meant what I said. Stop trying to twist my words around to see where you could have misheard me and just take it as it is. I couldn’t have been more clear, Renjun. So let me repeat myself. I _said_ , ‘I’m _not_.’ As in, I’m not sick of loving you.”

And then Jaemin paused, before speaking again, “ I’m just sick of ignoring it.”

Renjun’s lips parted, but were stuck in shock. His mind went blank. He could not get his body or his brain to function from the sheer shock of letting what Na Jaemin had said settle in. So nothing was said for a moment. And Jaemin took the time to speak. 

“I...I’ve never said this to anyone before in all my years of being alive but,” Jaemin spoke as if he was testing the words out in his mouth, cautious of the weight they held, “I love you. I was just too much of a coward to acknowledge it.”

Renjun gave him a pained look, confused. 

“I’m a coward because I mess with other people hoping that I might be able to drown out the feeling of _your_ touch. Hoping that I might get rid of the taste of _your_ lips. Hoping that I stop seeing _your_ face, everywhere I go, everytime I breathe. Hoping that I stop thinking of you before I go to sleep,” Jaemin took a deep breath, “Because I couldn’t face the fact that I loved you. I never felt it before. I never felt what it was like to want nothing else than to be with someone, even if that meant ten minutes every day down at the dock trying to convince you to spend more time with me. I didn’t know why I was so desperate to always see you, come over to your house, take you here and there, make up dumb excuses so that I can spend maybe five minutes with you. I didn’t know why a simple touch from you like a hug or me holding you by your waist brought me more happiness than any night that I could spend with anyone. I didn’t know why you had the power to put me in the palm of your hands and crush me into dust, and I’d let you. I didn’t know why it hurt so bad when I saw you with Jeno or why I began to not feel anything when I was with other people. I never felt it before, and I was scared, Renjun. I’ve never...done this before. Hell, I didn’t know what it was. When you told me how you felt...I didn’t know what to do,” Jaemin confessed, voice clear and direct but there were still emotions weaved all throughout his tirade: feelings of bittersweetness, happiness, sadness, envy, pining, regret, but most of all, truth. 

“I didn’t know what to do,” Jaemin repeated. Na Jaemin, who had the entire school wrapped around his finger, whose reputation precedes him everywhere he goes, who seems to own the world, now stood there open and completely vulnerable to the person who had the power to destroy him, “...until I watched you leave.”

Huang Renjun didn’t know what to say. Instead, he repeated every word Jaemin just proclaimed in his head, waiting for each sentence to feel dulled, to feel artificial. But they never did. Each time Renjun repeated them mentally, they felt more true. They felt more _Jaemin_. They felt more ridden with vulnerability and truth. Jaemin loved him. Jaemin loved him? What? 

His mind thought back to the summer. Their adventurous nights on the ocean water. Their expeditions through a crystal clear cove or water or on a seaside cliff searching for a place to camp out for a couple hours. He thought of the night Jaemin left him, the last night of summer, and how much pain he felt. How he let the tears roll down his cheek and into the salty, ocean waters as he rode away. He thought about moving to Sokcho, entering his calculus class just to see a boy with light pink hair and an unforgettable face staring right back at him. He remembered the memories flooding in, filling every crevice of his soul until all he could think about was Na Jaemin. Na Jaemin. Na Jaemin. Na Jaemin. Renjun thought back to the initial days at the dock, where the tension between them was thick, but the effort to make amends coming from Jaemin’s end was adamant and relentless. He remembered the diner, its retro-american theme with the vinyl covered walls and LED strip lights. How much he had laughed. He remembered his first tennis match, the pride Jaemin felt when handing over the leather bracelet to Renjun for good luck. He thought of the party, the way they danced so closely and had so many things they wanted to scream at each other, but held it in silently. He thought of afternoons where Jaemin would let himself inside of his house using a spare key under the floor mat and raid his kitchen looking for chips and ice cream. The midnight Jaemin kissed him on the cliff. The days they spent in each others company, not caring what they did or how they did it. He thought of soaked clothes in his pool in Yangyanggan. 

And then he thought about how stupid Na Jaemin was. How just absolutely _stupid_ Na Jaemin was. For a boy who was good at multivariable calculus, did well in level IV advanced biology, scored amazingly high in his standardized exams, Na Jaemin was so _stupid._ He had never met someone more _stupid_ in his life. He had never _loved_ someone more stupid in his life.

Renjun’s lip trembled and he shook his head slowly, “You’re a fucking idiot, Jaemin. You’re not just a coward, you’re an idiot” 

The pink-hair boy stepped forward, pulling Huang Renjun into his chest, wanting so badly to feel the smaller boy in his arms once more. To smell the beautiful white-tea and lavender scent of Renjun’s silvery hair. To feel the gentleness of his body, “I know.”

Renjun continued, rubbing his face into Jaemin’s jersey now, hands reaching up to clutch at the sides, “And you don’t deserve me.”

Jaemin repeated himself as if it pained him to admit it. He buried his nose in Renjun’s hair, “I know.” 

“And I’m never going to forgive you,” Renjun said without any truth to it.

Jaemin pulled away a little, the field all to themselves with them under the bright stadium lights, “I know.” 

Renjun shook his head into Jaemin’s chest, wanting to push the boy away, but knowing he couldn’t, “You’re such a _horrible_ person. Why are you such an idiot? Why are you _so_ stupid? I hate you. I fucking hate you.” He said without any real meaning. 

Na Jaemin just held him as Renjun went on his endless tirade of insults, repeating under his breath _I know. I know baby_. Huang Renjun clutched onto the jersey tightly, biting his cheek so hard in order to keep himself sane from all of these sudden revelations. Jaemin didn’t let him go, arms wrapped around him as if he lets go, Renjun would never come back. They stay that way for a while. Renjun spewing meaningless insults. Jaemin holding the boy, trying to comfort him. 

“I love you, Renjun,” Jaemin spoke into the boy’s hair, “I love you.” 

Now that Jaemin had said it, it felt like a floodgate had opened. Suppressed emotions began pouring out and the three words were the water that could soothe his cracked throat. Nothing felt better on his tongue than those words. Nothing felt more true. He would keep saying it until it got engrained into Renjun’s mind. He would keep saying it until Renjun went home knowing that he did: that Jaemin loved him. He would keep on saying it until the world ended. Finally, the boy stopped trying to fight it and he just lets himself be held. He lets himself be swept away into the arms of someone he denied himself of for too long. Jaemin’s scent filled his nostrils and he buried his face into Jaemin’s neck. 

When Renjun calms down and pulls away, Jaemin took the opportunity to say what he wanted to say, voice almost pleading. The silver haired beauty looked up at him with glassy eyes that showed him the way to his soul. 

Jaemin hesitated, “I’m asking for a third chance. I don’t deserve one. I’m a fucking idiot and I messed up, I know. But I’m going to ask for one anyways: a third chance. It doesn’t have to be now. It doesn’t have to be a week from now. It can be five years down the road, and I’ll still wait, Renjun. I’ve waited this long. I’d gladly wait for longer.”

Renjun stared at him.

Jaemin continued, “ If you give me a third chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. If you give me that chance, I’ll make sure you never feel unloved. Or unwanted. I’ll...go to all of your choir concerts or whatever. I’ll stay up until four in the morning watching your stupid chick flicks with you. I’ll scream your name the loudest during your tennis matches.”

Renjun let out a laugh, still trying to calm himself down, but he listens to what Jaemin had to say. 

“I’ll never touch processed cheese again for you. I’ll fight over Harry Potter versus Star Wars with you. I’ll be with you when you need me. I’ll be with you even when you don’t need me.” Jaemin tried to be lighthearted but he knew he meant every word, “Just give me another chance.”

Renjun shook his head in disbelief, bringing his hands up to trace Na Jaemin’s face. A face he had always been so scared to touch so gently and vulnerable like this. He thought back to the last day of summer, when Jaemin left him. Even then, Renjun had never deleted his number, still wishing at least once a day that maybe Jaemin would text him or call him. He thought to the first day of Daejun High, when he saw Na Jaemin in the classroom for the first time, he was filled with a sense of dread but he also hated that he felt almost a sense of hope. He remembered the first day Jaemin met him at the dock, and how he was slightly disappointed he was when Na Jaemin left. At first he hated himself for it. To a degree, he still does. Renjun had never stopped giving into Jaemin. From day one to the day that they were at now. Which only proved one thing. 

He barely whispered, voice both pained and happy, “You never lost your first chance.”

Renjun looked up at him, the beautiful boy who haunted his dreams, who filled his world with crazy adventures and late night rendezvous, who held him when he was cold and made him laugh when he needed to relax, who he shared horrible memories with just as much as shared wonderful memories with. A boy who was flawed, but was not afraid to ultimately admit it. A boy who was also not afraid to tell Renjun his own flaws, calling out Renjun as he was. They were not perfect people, but it made them human. It made them real. It made this moment, this moment of revelation, _real_. 

Jaemin looked shocked, as if he truly did expect Renjun to never forgive him. He looked into Renjun’s eyes, looking for any sign of falsehood. 

His voice came out rugged, “Renjun.”

The smaller boy interrupted him, “I’m not letting you off easy, Na Jaemin. You’re going to have to work twice as hard.”

Jaemin seemed to have lost his breath and he couldn’t help but smile with parted lips, “Make that ten.”

Na Jaemin then reaches down to grab onto Renjun’s slender hand and he holds it against him, fingers intertwined, “You're serious? Renjun? You want this?” His voice showing hints of shock. 

The silver-haired beauty looked into the eyes of the person he loved. A person who had hurt him so much. But also a person who had gave him memories that he would not forget ten, twenty, thirty years down the road. Memories that they only tell in stories. Memories that they only show in movies. And he knew his answer. 

Renjun swallowed, “You know how you say that I want things, but I never make a move to get it?” 

Jaemin didn’t say anything, just stood there, inches away from Renjun as the silence of an empty field engulfed them. 

Silence. And then. 

Renjun continued, “Well here’s me making a move.”

This time, when he reached up to kiss Jaemin, it wasn’t rough. It wasn’t bruising. It was filled with the emotions of sweet satisfaction, in the most tender way he could have made it. A kiss that held the memories of a beautiful summer broken by time and childish naivety. Memories of sunsets on the beach and then later moonlight on the mountains. Of a pizza shop and a pretty cafe by the sea. Late nights at Jaemin’s house dying hair and watching movies. 

Of a love that had an end, a new beginning, and then, now, a forever. 

Jaemin smiled into the kiss, heart about to palpitate out of his chest. Renjun savored every second of it, not wanting the moment to ever end. He could stay here forever, and it would be okay. Suddenly, everything seemed to fall into place.

A missing puzzle piece that had been found. 

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


A silver hair beauty stands at the pier, around 7 P.M. when the sun begins its trek towards the horizon. The clouds are plentiful, billowing like layers of soft cotton blanketing the skies of Sokcho. Behind him, the city stood, bending before the forces of nature that is the ocean. Today, he doesn’t see the seas as a vastness that hides him from his pains, a vessel for him to feel small when his sorrows feel large. Today, he looks at the endless waters and sees his equal.

In the mighty waves, he sees his equally mighty spirit. In the neverending horizon, he sees his equally neverending hopes and dreams. In the depth of the waters, he sees the depth of his soul. He no longer wanted to be a weak, tiny human who went to the seas so that he could feel small in comparison to whatever problems he had going on back in his life. He wanted to face the churning tides, to feel as powerful as it. He wanted to venture headfirst into the colossal ocean, until it felt like a small pool in his presence. A breeze scatters Renjun’s soft hair across his eyes, and he closed them. And listened. 

The crash of the waves, the singing of seagulls, the whirring of boat engines, the whistling of the wind. 

And footsteps. A familiar walking pattern Renjun knew too well.

Like clockwork, when Renjun opened his eyes, he was there. He was always there. Pink hair. Alluring brown eyes. Charming smile. Tall. Handsome. _His_. 

Na Jaemin looked at him as if he was seeing him for the first time, trying to memorize every quirk and every detail as if he’ll forget it when he blinks. The curve of Renjun’s lips. The sweetness of his smile. The way light shimmers off of the vibrant silver locks. The gentle honey eyes. 

A face that fit in the palm of his hands. The heart that spoke for him.

Renjun stood there, as the boy in front of him reached up to brush a thumb over his porcelain cheeks, hands resting at the nape of his neck. He leaned into the touch as he looked the pink-haired prince in the eyes. A pair of eyes that were no longer afraid to reveal its love, its adoration, its complete surrender of the heart. He surrendered it to Renjun, wholley and without any regret. He had found that in surrendering, he had actually won. Their rocky, twisted road had taken them here: a journey that began from the beaches between Yangyanggan and Sokcho and is continuing right here, on this very dock. The road had been long and winding, but now that they were here, open and fully willing to dive in together, Renjun knew that there must have been a reason why fate decided to have them meet on the secluded beach that day. Why fate had them meet again under the limestone arch against all odds of the vast ocean. Why fate had them meet yet again in Sokcho, at Daejun High. Renjun was a skeptic by nature, but for once, he decided to trust in fate. 

“Go on a ride with me,” The pink-haired boy asks, leaning in so their foreheads rest against each other’s. He could smell the fresh scent of lavender and white-lily off of Renjun. It intoxicated him. 

Renjun expected the typical _For old time’s sake_. He stands there waiting for it, the boy in front of him so close that his sweet, fresh breath lingered and mingled with his own. 

“For the sake of…” Na Jaemin whispered, “...just being with you.” He repeats himself, “For the sake that I just want to be with you.”

Renjun’s breath hitched in his throat, at the change of wording. At the change of heart. 

That was all he ever wanted to hear, Renjun thought. He looked at the boy in front of him, unable to detect a single hint of falsehood. Renjun smiled, a warm feeling basking over him as he revels in just how perfect this moment was. Just how imperfect they both were when alone, but perfect when together. Oh how he wanted to remember this moment forever until he dreams of it when he sleeps. 

Renjun then remembered a conversation they had a long time ago, one that had slipped his mind until now when he finally believes it was time. It was the conversation they had at the dock that one time when, for the calculus project, Renjun had come to watch Jaemin at his soccer practice. He repeated the conversation out loud, wanting to parallel it, beginning with this line.

“How many times are you going to ask me?” Renjun asked, smiling up softly at his pink-haired lover. The wind gently blew hair across their faces. 

Jaemin caught on to what Renjun was doing and he smiled back, repeating the lines. He took a breath, “How many times are you going to say no? Numerically, how many times?”

Renjun laughed at how ironically silly this was, “I don’t know. A billion times?”

Na Jaemin remembered his words from a long time ago clearly, “Then I’ll ask a billion and one times.” 

Huang Renjun stops for a moment, letting the sheer beauty of the moment seep in, and then he asks, “Ask me one more time then.”

Jaemin does. He asks him one more time. 

This time, Renjun says yes. 

This time, the billion and oneth time, Renjun _finally_ says yes.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts?? we finally reached the end !
> 
> I HOPE you all liked how it ended ! I'm so scared of endings tbh, but  
> I'm so happy for all the support my first ever renmin fic recieved ! I love  
> all of you guys, and appreciate all of the feedback no matter what it is <3  
> i feel so bittersweet that this is finished  
> i think i got attached to writing the characters and sokcho and ugh :/  
> also some of you guys found me on twt. idk why my handle is temposlut im so sorry  
> got into me asdfsdg and just wanted to say  
> ily


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